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1. What can you do if you are superior to your husband in most ways?
2. How can you even respect the dummy?
3. How can you be attracted to that war game playing/fatslob?
4. How can you even talk to him when he is so below your level?
5. How can you ever have a good marriage with such a primitive stupid ape as him? OK, I may sometimes have an attitude of superiority with my husbnad. But that is going a bit far. Because he is NOT stupid, he's not a fat slob, and he is not primitave. Is he "below my level"? I don't even know what that means. I know we are not on the same wavelength a lot of the time, and that I seem to be the one who needs to do all the adjusting to understand HIS wavelangth. Not better or worse than me. Just I'm the one doing the adjusting. For what it's worth, I think he is incredibly bright. He is a computer programmer, but he is also a thinker and can look at a work process and tell you how and why it will fail and how to improve it. He has an incredible marketing mind. He is incredibly creative and talented. We just don't share the same interests. It's not that I "look down" on his interests, any more than he "looks down" on mine. We just don't have many shared interests. I'm willing to get new interests that we do share. New recreational activities. I'd like to replace our old behaviors and activities (IBs) with new SHARED activities and intersts. He's very happy with his interests and doesn't want to replace them with new ones.
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Try replacing just ONE NEW ONE now. See what happens. And how you like it. ONLY ONE NEW ONE.
I hear you saying you want to replace some interests but you have to start with just ONE THING. And see how it goes. For example I wanted to buy a bunch of homes. But first, I had to start with buying ONE HOME, the FIRST HOME to see how it went. It went oK and 5 years later I bought another one and many more....
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I am glad he is not a fat slob. I am trying to illustrate how your attitudes toward him could get in the way of what you both need.
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I don't know how you eliminate DJs, Think, without doing it together. Then I think back further and remember when I had to eliminate my own before we began watching/listening for them together. You say aloud to DH when you catch yourself in a DJ. That part I remember well. To help tune my ear...and later, when DH was on board, he would then point them out. I don't see how you do it without listen and repeat, though. Really. You can hear an assumption (the name-calling is obvious) sometimes when it's in your own head and you hear it out of DH's mouth...so confirming what you heard is important (that eliminates that double-DJ you wrote about above). If you've begun catching yourself aloud, then you ask him along on the journey...you need his help to say when he possibly hears you DJ (him or others)...and we did this by saying, "Would that be a DJ?" instead of "You're doing it again. You're DJing me" like a fact. Exploring, learning and growing together. Tough part to do, though. Have to have that conviction for yourself that is NOT who you want to be. And I think it's PORH for this morning's statement, "I know you know how much I react to "you should" statements. I get immediately angry, as I am now, and I'm wondering if you're setting me up to reject you somehow." Then you get up, get dressed and on with your day. If he replies respectfully, you listen. He may be actually doing PORH in the worst way to word it...sharing what he's thinking about and it's coming out as a disrespectful demand. Ask what he intended first...without rancor. We don't know. It's a new journey. Any "you should" statements hit at my button, too, Think. You're not alone. I have heard several times over the last five years, "Wait, that's not what I meant" though when I listened and repeated with my filter. Understand that you can share with your DH...and he may still be hearing when you share that he's to fix...he's to judge your sharing as what you should or shouldn't be feeling...and in his mind, he's saying what he wants you to feel or not feel...sharing his wishfulness. You don't know yet. You will know. Not all at once. You can love through his anger...it's his...it's valid. You can listen when he's not acting out his anger verbally or physically...let him know that. His anger won't end your marriage...acting it out will. Same goes for you.  Your DJ that he doesn't have an interest in your journey is really harmful, Think. Give that one another think through...his very reaction seems to indicate the opposite...that your experience of him on your journey is of utmost importance to him. And you've got expectation of what important to YOU looks like, and not clarifying what his looks like to him. Knowing and being known...you'd be so amazed at the enmeshment, how much our expectation of rejection has it's own setups we don't catch ourselves out...and yet we can see clearly when our spouses do them. There's a reason for that. The same stuff which can drive us apart can also bring us closer. Understanding first, then striving to be understood. He knows you, Think. Be interested in what his goal was in saying what he said...ask...act, not react. Trust that he knows. LA Thanks LA. That was productive.
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Your DJ that he doesn't have an interest in your journey is really harmful, Think. Give that one another think through...his very reaction seems to indicate the opposite...that your experience of him on your journey is of utmost importance to him. And you've got expectation of what important to YOU looks like, and not clarifying what his looks like to him. This really jumped out at me a lot LA. I DO think he has an interest in my journey, just that he doesn't know if he really wants to be a part of it, or seems afraid of being a part of it. In part because of how judgemental I can come across. I probably scare him away. Maybe on purpose. Maybe because it is ME who doesn't want HIM on my journey. Like he doesn't have the secret password or something. I don't know how to let just anybody in. Not that my husband is "just anybody." But he feels that way so much of the time. Like a disinterested stranger. So I push him away even further to protect myself. I hurt you so you won't hurt me. That dynamic. I'm not sure how to stop it. Except to stop my proactive hurting. Which is what I've been working on most. But that doesn't mean the door to my heart just opens up either. It just means that I'm not guarding it by firing defensive missiles.
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How do I clarify what it looks like to him? How do I have that conversation? Can you roleplay it a little for me, LA?
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I totally agree that attitude needs to come before action. Get a second opinion; that sounds contradictory to some MB advice I've heard. Ditto. According to MB, feelings follow actions. The thing is - the attitude of being willing to try has to come first - the rest of the attitudes (attitude towards your M or your H's actions) will come afterwards.
Last edited by ChrisInNOVA; 04/19/10 08:22 PM.
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1. What can you do if you are superior to your husband in most ways?
2. How can you even respect the dummy?
3. How can you be attracted to that war game playing/fatslob?
4. How can you even talk to him when he is so below your level?
5. How can you ever have a good marriage with such a primitive stupid ape as him? Interesting...
Last edited by ChrisInNOVA; 04/19/10 08:21 PM.
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OK, so I talked to my husband about our little "exchange" this morning. He said that I overanalyze. He said that he asked for "oral pleasurement" on the 1% off chance that I might actually say yes. He said that he got out of bed because it was time for him to get up. And he reiterated that I overanalyze. I asked him to help me out by letting me know when I'm being "superior" or "judgemental." He said, "How about if I just say, hey, you're being YOU again?" He was saying it to be funny, and that's also how I took it So apparently I was blowing this morning all out of proportion. I talked to him about my fears a bit too. I said I was really worried about my "rejection" of him because of how he had reacted in the past. And he assured me that he was different now. He doesn't know HOW, but that he is OK with me saying no when he asks for SF, and that I need to be OK with saying no too. So perhaps there is hope for the mutual following of POJA! That I can say no without having to offer an explanation or worry about how he takes it. We'll see . . .
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1. What can you do if you are superior to your husband in most ways?
2. How can you even respect the dummy?
3. How can you be attracted to that war game playing/fatslob?
4. How can you even talk to him when he is so below your level?
5. How can you ever have a good marriage with such a primitive stupid ape as him? Interesting... Rhetorical peppering like that is what gives Bubbles her special charm
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Your DJ that he doesn't have an interest in your journey is really harmful, Think. Give that one another think through...his very reaction seems to indicate the opposite...that your experience of him on your journey is of utmost importance to him. And you've got expectation of what important to YOU looks like, and not clarifying what his looks like to him. This really jumped out at me a lot LA. I DO think he has an interest in my journey, just that he doesn't know if he really wants to be a part of it, or seems afraid of being a part of it. In part because of how judgemental I can come across. I probably scare him away. Maybe on purpose. Maybe because it is ME who doesn't want HIM on my journey. Like he doesn't have the secret password or something. I don't know how to let just anybody in. Not that my husband is "just anybody." But he feels that way so much of the time. Like a disinterested stranger. So I push him away even further to protect myself. I hurt you so you won't hurt me. That dynamic. I'm not sure how to stop it. Except to stop my proactive hurting. Which is what I've been working on most. But that doesn't mean the door to my heart just opens up either. It just means that I'm not guarding it by firing defensive missiles. I really understand the hurting so he'll stop hurting me dynamic. There's no beginning (really) and no end to it (really!). However, you did great here in asking for what you want in your post..."DH, I don't know how to let just anybody in. Not just you, DH. To me, you seem like a disinterested stranger to me. I know that isn't who you are. I know you're choosing to stay married, stay with me, this family...you're part of my journey and I'm part of yours. I push you away even further to protect myself. I hurt you so you won't hurt me. That dynamic." That's how you do it. And if he AO's, you say "I didn't share for you to fix; just to know. If you stop yelling, I'll really listen to you. If you continue, I'll have to be by myself for about 20 minutes to calm down from your yelling." Then you do it. This morning, would you consider your option to answer his statement "Ouch" and walk away? I really like Vibrissa's suggestion to later text/email/call and tell him you're thinking of SF with him tonight after the kids are in bed. And I did have a thought...do you have a lock on your bedroom door? Can you go upstairs and have SF (even when the kids are up)? Would have scared me from all the destruction my boys could have done in 10 minutes...yet, I remember risking that on Sunday mornings while they were little and older...and some weekday mornings, too. Not every time and not the "only when" conditions...maybe make it a goal to work towards entirely...I would think that would be a joint goal. Until you ask, you don't know whether you scare him away or not...and only you can choose to believe he's there, he's with you...he's not a disinterested stranger or a smothering partner...he's him and you are you. Side by side. You can come across as judgmental and NOT be...only you checking yourself, your intent (double-checking your habitual sneaky assumptions), can know. Half is how he takes/expects...just like you. There's an "intent" communication exercise that you guys can do daily, for just 10 minutes at a time (or longer)...where you make up three index cards each...one has a "+" sign, the next has a "0" (null sign with the slash through it); and the third index card has a "-" sign. You each practice safe speaking (not interrupting the other, not refute, retorting)...and as the speaker (for however many sentences), you hold up the card which demonstrates your intent at that moment. It's surprising. There is nothing to fear in sharing your stuff with him when you enforce your boundaries around yourself. Your fear doesn't dictate your actions...you do. You can do this...thing about being stuck in loops is that you take away any part of the loop, and it breaks. LA
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OK, so I talked to my husband about our little "exchange" this morning. He said that I overanalyze. He said that he asked for "oral pleasurement" on the 1% off chance that I might actually say yes. He said that he got out of bed because it was time for him to get up. And he reiterated that I overanalyze. I asked him to help me out by letting me know when I'm being "superior" or "judgemental." He said, "How about if I just say, hey, you're being YOU again?" He was saying it to be funny, and that's also how I took it So apparently I was blowing this morning all out of proportion. I do this a lot too. Often when DH tells me something I'll start analyzing what he 'means'. Is he saying this to just make me happy and does he really think the opposite? Does he really want x? Am I upsetting him? Is he ignoring me? I can make my head spin pretty quick. One day he had to sit me down and say 'Babe, when I say something - that is what I MEAN. If I feel upset I will tell you and you will know. There are no hidden meanings.' I think most guys are like this and most women are prone to over-analyzing. I know it's a load off when you can just say 'no' to something and the other person be ok with that. It's part of protection - making it safe for the other person to say no when they don't like something. YaY for progress.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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And I did have a thought...do you have a lock on your bedroom door? Can you go upstairs and have SF (even when the kids are up)? Would have scared me from all the destruction my boys could have done in 10 minutes...yet, I remember risking that on Sunday mornings while they were little and older...and some weekday mornings, too.
Not every time and not the "only when" conditions...maybe make it a goal to work towards entirely...I would think that would be a joint goal. We do this occasionally. I actually do try. However, if I am being really honest, I am not comfrotable being intimate when there are other people in the house. I had my third child at home. My body was on the cusp of being ready to go through transition when my parents arrived to take the two younger children. I never saw them or heard them. I could have gotten that baby out while everyone was in my home and we all could have celebrated together and had breakfast together, and there was a big part of me that REALLY wanted that. But my body was not on the same page. It waited until all "intruders" were safely out of the home, and then my body relaxed enough for the baby to be born. My body does sex and birth in very simlar ways. Despite what my mind and my heart wants Doesn't excuse me from trying new things, or pushing through a little discomfort if I have to. Or if it's good for me. That is a great exercise you meniton also. I think I will try that out sometime soon. I feel very much like I'm back off the ledge now. Yesterday I got a bit out of control in my head. I need to enforce some boundaries in there too.
Last edited by thinkinitthru66; 04/20/10 10:37 AM.
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I know it's a load off when you can just say 'no' to something and the other person be ok with that. It's part of protection - making it safe for the other person to say no when they don't like something. YaY for progress. Yeah. And just a few weeks ago this was NOT the case. I just didn't realize the rules had changed on his side of the street. What I've learned is that it doesn't matter what is happening on his side of the street. Whether my saying "no" is something he can and can't be OK with. I'm responsible for the effort, not the outcome.
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Wow, your last line really hit me and it is totally on. I also over analyze things and now my husband (and kids) have come to expect that I really know what they want even if they don't say it.
We must now backtrack a bit and say what we mean and mean what we say.
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Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean. Sunny, I came from a family where apparently BOTH parents analyzed things to the point that my needs were met perfectly without me every have to ask or even know what they were. And I can see how I've begun to do the same thing with my children, especially my first child (don't have the energy for it with the younger two!). And I've done it with my husband too. Perhaps changing THIS habit alone will help me with the "superiority" or "Mommy" complex I have going on in my marriage. Certainly can't hurt
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Yes, my mom was like that as well. Both my brother and I are the caregivers in our respective families. It is even more evident in his family as he is a male thus not expected to do as much childcare. The kids will go to "daddy" for cuts,scrapes and hugs.
Once I started seeing those traits in my daughter, I realized I couldn't do that to her. I love my mom dearly but what a mess I was/am.
My husband has the same dynamic in him family. His mother met all his needs and then some and I quickly followed suit.
Times, they are a changing. :-) Good luck from one mother superior to another.
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LOLing @ the evils of analysis, because my analytical results are ususally DEAD ON.
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LOLing @ the evils of analysis, because my analytical results are ususally DEAD ON. Well, it's my analysis and thinking that GETS me in trouble. This (points to brain) is NOT a marriage recovery tool. If my analysis turns out to be right, it's usually just coincidence! LOL
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Wow...I have been using my brain more than ever since I came across MB. For me, it was not using my brain which did me in.
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