Thanks Markos, point taken...

Dear lady, I understand. I would bet there will be lots of tears and hugs when the two of you get together. At least I hope so. I can feel the pain from both of you.

Markos is right. On the other hand, what about all of those military deployments? Your situation is not uncommon, just very, very stressful. And you are not alone in that. Maybe smiley will share some of her secrets with you. She is expecting and her WH is overseas.

I KNOW the courage it took for you to post your first time and I KNOW the courage you must have to read all of those who are trying their very best to share and help you. I KNOW the courage it takes for you to sort out what works for you and what doesn't. I understand your pain.

Time will help. Reading Dr. Harley's works will help. Getting help from this forum is a good thing. You will get there, don't despair. I know, easy for me to say. Sorry.

Larry

Markos is RIGHT ON TARGET!

Unless your plan is to be UN-married, you need to find a way to put this together ASAP!

But NOT without a PLAN..... Please don't wing it!!!!!!

Call The Harley's and create a plan that has the best chance of succeeding.

If you won $10 Million in a lottery, would you wing it with your investments or would you vet out to find the best financial consultants available? I don't think you would wing it... Well you need to take the same approach with your M and vet out the best counselors available in the specific area of recovering from adultery..... MB is the best, IMVHO.

Make plans to go to the next MB Weekend and coach with the Harleys in the meantime.

broken,

It is not good to be separated, no.

You can still work on your marriage, and yourself, even still.


You said you feel weak, broken, and indecisive.

The best place to go when you feel weak - call your husband. He wants to be your strength and help lift you back to your feet. He needs to do this work in order to understand your needs, and you need to allow him to do the work in order to see his changes.

When you feel broken, call your husband. He needs to do something to help salve your wounds, and as he does this, you can begin to feel that he, too, feels pain and is beginning to understand the pain he has given you. It is in hearing your pain and helping you rise again that he will gain a view of his true disastrous burning of the marriage, and know the work he must do to make reparations to you. It is in helping you through the pain that you can once again feel his love coming toward you, and sense that man you once loved and trusted. Allow him to help you when you feel so broken.

When you feel indecisive, call your husband. Tell him of your feelings, so he can reassure you of his steadfast love and desire to rebuild the marriage. So he can once again tell you of his remorse and determination to do whatever it takes to make the changes he needs to make, and to help you through the roughest time in your life. So that you can hear his voice and you can allow yourself that indulgence - to ask that question, get a fix of his love, to pretend to feel his arms around you - whatever it is that you need of him. Just so that he can make that temporary fear go away, and he can help that indecision fade enough and you can get your feelings back on track.


All of this is part of the rollercoaster ride. Don't ride it alone. Your husband wants to help you. This is the time in your life that you need someone to strap themselves in the seat next to you so when that rollercoaster hits the corkscrew curve in the dark you can grab onto them and scream - and you can KNOW HE IS THERE. Grab on to your husband. He wants to help you.


SB

If you need to separate for awhile to think about things, go sit on the porch. Or take a long bath. Or a walk in your neighborhood.

But don't, either of you, move out. You are at Ground Zero in the remaking of your M. You've both got to be on-site to make that happen.

I didn't ask myself any questions about my spouse, don't know why. I was just going day-by-day, piecing Life back together and looking for little patches of comfort to call my own. Looking back on it, I needed H there to do that with me, even though I had a number of moments when I wanted to beat the tar out of him for what he did to me.

Oops, my bad. I forgot you two are currently physically separated. I thought you meant 'legal' separation.

That's a tough one. I think I'd be burning up the cell phone, calling FWH as much as possible. I also think I would spend time writing and sending letters, emailing, texting - as many things as I could to stay in contact with H.

Thanks all for the support. I have my moments that's for sure. WH and I do talk alot...on the phone...via email....and texts on the phone. He is trying very hard and I am slowly softening up. I will be mush when he comes home for 3 weeks...your all right...too much time alone isn't good....i am looking forward to seeing him.

Broke:


Thought so. Time of renewal. Time of healing. And time to get to work. In some strange way, the time apart might have helped. Pep talks about that in another thread. Just saying. . .

Larry

Well, it's friday all. Hope everyone has a good weekend. I will be plenty busy with all the house work and kids stuff....they sure are a blessing by keeping me busy. Quiet time is usually later in the evening for me.

Okay, so I have had a weird weekend. Kind of somber. I accoplished some home jobs I needed to do and then on Sunday I just layed in bed all afternoon. I didn't want to think about anything (although that was not the case) and I didn't want to do anything. Thank God my kids are in a neighborhood where they can play outside all day and be busy. I didn't really sleep but I rested....felt weird. Maybe my downfalls on the roller coaster are starting to shorten up alittle??.....

Okay, another rant....why is it everything I read and everyone I talk to want to come up with excuses as to why the affair happened. It is a choice....people are in control of their lives and they make choices....why does there have to be an excuse for the choice that they make.....They choose not to or they choose too....with every bit of information they have, what is important and what is not.....uuugggghhhhh this is so frustrating!

I have had choices to make several times in the past, and I chose my husband and my kids...why is it so hard for the other person to choose the same thing???

Broke, this is why the wisdom of Dr. Harley is important for you. He has answered your questions in a way that nobody on here can duplicate. Have you read through SAA yet? If yes, what about his explanation don't you buy?

Larry

I am still reading thru it larry....I have to put it down every once in a while because it makes me mad. From the way I perceive it the one who got hurt the most is the one who does the most work to make it work.....but I am still fresh and new with all of this so.....

That's why my wife made a list of requirements for me to complete prior to agreeing to letting me come home. The requirements are in Pepperbands Notable Posts thread, but I'll copy them for you.



These were part of the Just Compensation that Dr. Harley talks about.

You do not need to settle for crumbs, you need to set your bar HIGH!

If your H refuses to meet the standard you set..... then you move on without him. If he is meeting the new standard, then you get to choose if that is enough for you to go forward with recovery.... because recovery , although good, is very hard work.

Normal. This is totally normal. It's because you haven't accepted the A yet. You will. The day is going to come, when you suddenly have a moment of consciousness for the mechanics of the A. It was sort of an 'ah-ha!' moment for me. Of course, that doesn't make the pain less.

Also, the people you are talking to don't 'get it'. They don't understand the mechanics, so they grope around, looking for an easy answer. Disregard this. Keep reading here.

Keep in mind that this is only true when the A is still active!

My wife had no strength left to carry any of the weight.... It's was necessary for me to carry it until she gained her strength back..... It took about one and a half years of solid recovery before she gained that strength back.

When the A is dead, it's time for the wayward to carry the load. ALL of it! And although you may not know what to expect from H..... expect much! Do not allow him to be part of your life if he is going to be All Talk, No Action (ATNA)! The ATNA Club has a thriving membership roster among (F?)WS's .... Refuse to be part of a marriage where your H is a memeber of that club!

I thought that might be the case. It is a whole new world you have found and you don't like it, you don't like it at all. Your rock showed you cracks you never knew he had.

And yes, initially, the one who gets hurt is the one who often has to do the most. For whatever it is worth, your husband is doing more work that many, if not most, I have seen arriving on this board. Maybe even better than that. If you include all the ones who do not come here but the BS does . . . small solace when you are hurting, I know.

It will get better.

Larry

No, he is not doing more than most Larry! And BTW when a H cheats these are not cracks in a rock... these are cliffs that we shove our marriage, our spouse and our children over..... by choice.

I figured that you, once being an OM yourself, and being a part of destroying a marriage, then marrying this same woman and being betrayed by her too, would understand this all to well....