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She just sent me an email saying she's sending the divorce paper work, and I can sign it or not, but since I'm intent on making this ugly, I probably won't.

I didn't reply.

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Good job not replying.

You aren't the one making it ugly.


Me: BW, 46
Him: WH, 48
EA/PA with co-worker 8-08 to 7-09
D-day 7-29
NC 8-17
OW and WH both fired from jobs
OW lost court case for restraining order- judge called her a "practiced deciever" who manufactured evidence!!
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You are handling this with courage and class, Jeff. My prayers are with you.

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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It seems like she hasn't figured out what's coming yet. Taking that tsunami a while to cross the Pacific.

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You never can tell exactly how she will handle it once it comes. She will be angry and say all of the hateful, predictable things that waywards always say and she will blame you for everything but...will she divorce you or will you be her port in the storm. Hard to tell. You can rest easy in the fact that you have done the right thing though.

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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Hey Jeff,

Very typical... Think about what YOU want... if you don't want to D, then don't sign the papers...

Let her stew for a while and don't even acknlowldge receiving them... stick with "I love you and am willing to fight for our M"...

She still has a long way to go, and I would say that NC hasn't even been started yet... Let the OM's W put pressure on the A, and then let the Command's actions put pressure on the A... She will eventually have to face reality and her head may clear up a bit...

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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Originally Posted by RIF
Hey Jeff,

Very typical... Think about what YOU want... if you don't want to D, then don't sign the papers...

Let her stew for a while and don't even acknlowldge receiving them... stick with "I love you and am willing to fight for our M"...

She still has a long way to go, and I would say that NC hasn't even been started yet... Let the OM's W put pressure on the A, and then let the Command's actions put pressure on the A... She will eventually have to face reality and her head may clear up a bit...

Semper Fi,

RIF


I think she's going to get a lot angrier over the next few days. I just noticed a few missed calls on my cell phone from this morning, she tried to call me before she sent the email. I still don't know if OMW has blown up or left with the kids or what. I won't be signing anything, I'll take any paperwork I get to the SJA, but I don't have to do anything until I get back to the states, and like you said, that's plenty of time for lots of things to happen. I don't even feel like replying to her with "I love you and I'm willing to fight for our marriage" right now because I know it's not going to get through until she starts feeling the consequences of her actions.

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Yep - It's just starting and it will get worse before it gets better. ...but you are already expecting that right?

I've seen so many people here on the boards throw out the "D" word, and in the end, they wind up working things out. Not going to say that this will be the case in your situation, but until you redeploy and until a divorce is final... then you shouldn' worry about it.

Having said that, just wanted to let you know again that we here will support you in what ever you decide... You're doing great and I would hold off on making any "big" decisions for a while...

Let the exposure work its way through and then give your W some time with NC from the OM.

Did you think about sending any of the 'hurtful' e-mails to your BN Cdr?

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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Yeah, I sent the most recent chain of emails in which I explain that I can't allow her to continue the affair, and say that I'm sorry I waited 3 weeks to come to this conclusion. She comes back saying I'm crazy, she wants a divorce, I'm trying to demonize her to her friends and family but "we know the truth about what happened here." It was about 12 emails exchanged, her being angry, me being calm and loving.

Is the claims about this only being part of the story, or a half truth about what's happened common? Because I feel like if there's another half, I'm not aware of it.

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Also I just don't see her forgiving me for betraying her by turning her into her chain of command. Ever.

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Quote
Is the claims about this only being part of the story, or a half truth about what's happened common? Because I feel like if there's another half, I'm not aware of it.


Hey Jeff - This is one thing that just about EVERY WS does... they re-write the history of the M. Mrs. RIF did it, and every WS that I've seen on here has done it. The WS HAS to re-write the M in order to rationalize their actions... it helps them justify the A because things were so "rotten" in the M.

Don't worry about what she's told her family or friends... the truth will eventually come out. I suspect that she's just trying to bait you into an argument so she can "justify" her anger at you... Please don't fall for it...

Be loving and kind, but don't compromise your position of fighting for the M... If family or friends try to contact you, be wary of their motives... they may be siding with your W for now. If they are not fighting FOR the M, then they are against it, and you should have nothing to do with them.

If you have to vent, then please vent here to us, and NOT to your wife, "well meaning" friends (they may report directly back to your W), or "well meaning" family... keep your mssg consistant. "I'm willing to do whatever it takes to fight for our M."

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

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Wow, it looks like it's all starting to impact.

It started off with "Are you going to ignore me while you do all this crazy stuff?" Then accusing me of hacking into email accounts to get the address for the OMW. Then lots of "you're just making my life better" and "you're really making this decision easy." And "how ugly do you plan to make this?" Then threatened to out me as a homosexual. Then threatened to sue me for slander, since I have no proof to back any of this up. Said she would never go to counseling with me, or ever see me again. And the big finisher "I'll never speak to you again if you go through with this."

All my responses were positive, and fair. Lots of "I'm sorry you feel that way, but hopefully you'll see in time that I only have the best interest of our marriage at heart."

I find the threats to "out" me especially comical given the recent attitudes towards Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

Sent the whole conversation up to my BN commander. Let no one ever say I wasn't completely honest and open throughout this.

I am somewhat concerned that I haven't heard anything back from OMW.

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Originally Posted by Jeff4187
Wow, it looks like it's all starting to impact.

It started off with "Are you going to ignore me while you do all this crazy stuff?" Then accusing me of hacking into email accounts to get the address for the OMW. Then lots of "you're just making my life better" and "you're really making this decision easy." And "how ugly do you plan to make this?" Then threatened to out me as a homosexual. Then threatened to sue me for slander, since I have no proof to back any of this up. Said she would never go to counseling with me, or ever see me again. And the big finisher "I'll never speak to you again if you go through with this."

All my responses were positive, and fair. Lots of "I'm sorry you feel that way, but hopefully you'll see in time that I only have the best interest of our marriage at heart."

I find the threats to "out" me especially comical given the recent attitudes towards Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

Sent the whole conversation up to my BN commander. Let no one ever say I wasn't completely honest and open throughout this.

I am somewhat concerned that I haven't heard anything back from OMW.

In your earlier post, you said that you didn't think she would ever forgive you for betraying her and going to her chain of command with this. First of all, she betrayed you, not the other way around. I'm sure if the roles were reversed, she would have done the same to you, and deep down, she knows that, but she'll never let it on to you...at least while she's still active in the affair. You see, my WW was absolutely furious that I exposed to her employer. She said she'd never forgive me for trying to ruin her career. I told her she was the one having an affair with a coworker, and if her career was going to be ruined, it was because of that, not my actions. She knew that deep down inside, and once there was NC w/ OM, she admitted she understood it, and it was water under the bridge. Trust me, if your WW goes complete NC w/ OM as a result of your exposure, I'd give you about an 80% chance of recovering your marriage. Seriously, if the affair partner is removed from the situation, and there is no one else to meet your wife's needs, she will seek you out to meet them again, and if you make enough love bank deposits, the love busters (exposure) will get outweighed. She's not going to stop calling you. I bet she calls you every day to spew venom at you. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. Your WW still obviously loves you, but is too caught up in the addiction of her affair. If she was wanting to try and work it out with you just a week ago, I'm pretty confident that she will IF OM is COMPLETELY out of the picture for good and there is no more contact from here on out. Just let exposure do it's work and minimize love busters at this time. Sit back, pull up a chair, and just watch the fireworks for now.

Edit: Why the name change?

Last edited by jmwc95; 04/20/10 06:48 AM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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I changed my display name for discretion purposes.

The above comments were in an online chat, not over the phone. I haven't been answering the phone when she calls. I was extremely hesitant to even reply to her chats, and I told her I didn't think we should talk right now, but she should know that I love her and I'm fighting for our marriage. She continued to spew venom, I continued to be positive and say I was fighting for the marriage.

She sent me an email explaining how easy the divorce would be for her, and how I couldn't stop her, and by the way, she wants "her" dog. He was a dog that we bought together, and he lived with us for 1 years. Then with my parents for 6 months, then her for 6 months, then me for 6 months, and now my parents for 6 months. All his moving around has been because of both of us being in the Army and in training or deployed.

She knows how much I love that dog, and how much he loves me. I used to always tell her when we were having to live apart (and she couldn't have him at her apartment) that he was the only thing that kept me sane without her there. Very mean to threaten our dog.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Also I just don't see her forgiving me for betraying her by turning her into her chain of command. Ever.

Hi Gerka, you are doing great! Don't worry about getting her forgiveness. If she ends her affair and gets into recovery, she will forgive you. If she doesn't, then it won't matter anyway. The bigger issue is if YOU can forgive her for her affair some day.

Hang in there! smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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She's pulling out all the stops, isn't she? Tossing out the D threats, "never forgiving you", saying she'll take the dog.

I'd say this is a superbly effective exposure! She is angry because she's feeling the pressure.

You're in a great position. You have the ability to ignore the D papers (if you even get D papers) while she withdraws from OM.

The tough thing will be meeting her ENs while you guys are so far apart, but it can certainly be done. I've seen some surprisingly effective long distance Plan As.

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I imagine they can get the phone records from that second number. When they do, the jig is up 20 calls a day and 400 text messages to another woman's husband. This will be a big surprise for her when the army asks "why so many texts and calls to a married man? Just what were your conversations about?"

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Originally Posted by ouchthathurt
I imagine they can get the phone records from that second number. When they do, the jig is up 20 calls a day and 400 text messages to another woman's husband. This will be a big surprise for her when the army asks "why so many texts and calls to a married man? Just what were your conversations about?"

I don't think an Army officer in the course of an investigation has the ability to subpoena phone records. They may, however, be able to order the suspect to surrender the phone records. RIF could probably clear that up.

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Hi Gerkaguards,

Quote
Then accusing me of hacking into email accounts to get the address for the OMW.


Bingo!!!

I suspect that she knows just how serious this all is by now, and to make matters worse, she knows that the OM's W will put a VERY short leash on the OM, thus ending her "perfect" little world!!!

THAT is why she is so angry with you... grin

As for hearing back from the OM's W... I wouldn't worry too much about that. Your mission was accomplished by letting her know about the affair... if she has questions, she may contact you, but it doesn't have any bearing on what you are or are not going to do.

Oh, and as for the dog, I completely understand how this would upset you.... but remember, she's going to use ANYTHING that she can to try and get you to engage here in angry outbursts or hateful speech in order to "justify" her actions. Don't fall for it!!!

Just wait until she's called into her Commander's office and questioned by the investigating officer... I suspect that things will get VERY serious then!

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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Well, a little bit of research seems to suggest that an investigating officer has the weight of the US government behind him, and if the situation points in the direction of phone calls or emails, they can subpoena all of that. I guess you learn something new every day.

So she's going to be forced to choose:
a) Try to lie through everything. Get caught in a lie, get a dishonorable discharge.
b) Admit to everything. Take your lumps, but probably not a dishonorable discharge.

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