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#2358567 04/21/10 03:21 AM
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Korban Offline OP
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Dear All,
This is my first post and I need HELP..
Am a guy, married for the last 10 years with 2 Children. 10 months ago, I came out clean and confessed to my wife about affairs that I have been having for the last 4 years. I want to be reconciled with my wife and work on our marriage.
I have searched this site and many others, but I don't seem to get an answer specifically for someone who is the offender, coming out clean and wanting to work on the marriage.
My query is what do I do to get my wife back to a position that we can calmly discuss issues, work them out and eventually have this behind us ?
We are both attending Counselling (Church and professional), but it doesnt seem to be working. We make 3 steps forward, then after a week or so, find that we have regressed 2 back.
PLEASE HELP...

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Welcome to MB, Korban.

The best help you could get would be to coach with the Harleys. There is a link to the counselling centre at the top of the page. This will take you to details of how the telephone coaching works and the cost.

We would also strongly advise you to attend the next MB weekend seminar, in May. After you attend this, you will be assigned a personal coach who will work with you for as long as you need after the seminar. You will also have direct access to Dr Harley on the private forum on this site. There is a link to information on the weekend seminar also at the top of this page.

You will get more responses to your questions if you move this thread to the forum "Surviving an Affair". The "Recovery" forum tends to be much quieter than SAA. Please click the "notify" tab at the bottom of your post and ask a moderator to move this thread.


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@Sugarcane, Thanks for the reply. May not be able to make the weekend seminar as I live in Uganda, Africa. Thanks for the other suggestions though.. Will follow up.

#2358574 04/21/10 04:25 AM
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Korban Offline OP
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Dear All,
This is my first post and I need HELP..
Am a guy, married for the last 10 years with 2 Children. 10 months ago, I came out clean and confessed to my wife about affairs that I have been having for the last 4 years. I want to be reconciled with my wife and work on our marriage.
I have searched this site and many others, but I don't seem to get an answer specifically for someone who is the offender, coming out clean and wanting to work on the marriage.
My query is what do I do to get my wife back to a position that we can calmly discuss issues, work them out and eventually have this behind us ?
We are both attending Counselling (Church and professional), but it doesnt seem to be working. We make 3 steps forward, then after a week or so, find that we have regressed 2 back.
PLEASE HELP...

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You need to start with NC with the OW and read SAA. We also need more info if we are to help you. You need to be totally transparenton on everything with your wife.

I will warn you that you are going to get help and it might not be what you want to hear since you are the offending party. Just grit your teeth and hang inthere especially if you want to save your marriage. The ones who have been here for years will be on soon and they will give you a lot more help than I could ever give you.

Good luck.


BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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@Traci, thanks for the info and the heads up.. I guess if I did'nt want help, I would'nt be here, But I am, so I guess am open and willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage.
I believe that I have been Transparent regarding the affairs and have cut off any relations to the other women. we have been working on the relationship each trying in our own ways to deal with the affairs.

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Korban, in best cases, recovery takes at least 2 years. With multiple affairs, it can take longer. Be patient and consistent with your efforts.

Start reading from here

MB is the best place for surviving infidelity.

Please share your story it is easier to help then.


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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Originally Posted by Korban
@Traci, thanks for the info and the heads up.. I guess if I did'nt want help, I would'nt be here, But I am, so I guess am open and willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage.
I believe that I have been Transparent regarding the affairs and have cut off any relations to the other women. we have been working on the relationship each trying in our own ways to deal with the affairs.

What do you mean when you say you have "cut off any relations?" Do you work with any of these women? Do you ever see them?

You understand that you cannot have any contact, visual or otherwise, with these women, right?

Have you written a No Contact letter that your wife has approved and has sent to them herself?

Are the other women married? If so, their husbands need to know about the affairs.

Recovery is hard work. Wanting to do it is positive. Your wife is going to need a lot of support. I would suggest that you give her this site so we can help her as well.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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korban
Tell you BW about this great site you have found and get her here. Sign her up then let her post on her own. She will get lots of help.

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@TheRoad, Thx.. She knows about the site.. We were referred to the site by a friend.. No idea if she has signed up yet, but we have discussed some of the articles and topics.

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I did wonder where you live when I saw your posting time!


BW
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@Maritalbliss
What do you mean when you say you have "cut off any relations?" Do you work with any of these women? Do you ever see them? I still work with one in the same company, though I can honestly say nothing happened with her, though there was a period of very heavy flirting.

You understand that you cannot have any contact, visual or otherwise, with these women, right? I understand, Yes, But for the most part, The one we work with we hardly see each other. I told her I cant do anything that will hurt my wife or marriage. We both seem to respect that and the flirting died.

Have you written a No Contact letter that your wife has approved and has sent to them herself? The other women apart from the one I work with were people mostly I met in parties, couldnt even contact them even if I wanted to, for the one we work with, yes, we sent a No Contact letter...

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In addition to what's been suggested (I think you could still council with the Harleys on the phone), I would also suggest both you and your wife read "Surviving An Affair" to start with.


Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4

His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08

Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10


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Korban, you need to ask the mods to combine the two threads.


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Originally Posted by Korban
@Maritalbliss
What do you mean when you say you have "cut off any relations?" Do you work with any of these women? Do you ever see them? I still work with one in the same company, though I can honestly say nothing happened with her, though there was a period of very heavy flirting.

You understand that you cannot have any contact, visual or otherwise, with these women, right? I understand, Yes, But for the most part, The one we work with we hardly see each other. I told her I cant do anything that will hurt my wife or marriage. We both seem to respect that and the flirting died.

Have you written a No Contact letter that your wife has approved and has sent to them herself? The other women apart from the one I work with were people mostly I met in parties, couldnt even contact them even if I wanted to, for the one we work with, yes, we sent a No Contact letter...

But...you were able to contact them in order to conduct your affairs, yes? How has that changed?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Thx.. Done so.

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I Realise in my earlier post may have been a bit vague and devoid of details, so the below is everything else that was left out...
Have already mentioned that I started having affairs 4 years ago, after (in my opinion), it seemed that I wasnt getting enough SF in our marriage. During this time, my wife had undergone a traumatic experience a few months earlier, and I think she was still grieving. Looking at the situation in retrospect I believe I wasnt very Emotionally supportive at the time. In my thinking then, I thought that since I was the sole provider in the household (still am), I was meeting my part of the deal and I should have sex when I wanted. Well, I can say things never really got back on track and over the years one thing led to another where I became a control freak and pegged everything on sex. If I couldn't get this, then I wont do that..

My job offered me opportunities for growth and though my wife and I had some very good times, anytime I got a chance to travel out of my station, I usually ended up having an affair, usually just a one night stand. Fast forward to last year June and I felt that I couldn't go on with the lie and double standards.

The incident that brought all to the fore was a company party that my department was hosting, and one of the lady that I was flirting a lot with in the office was in attendance. After alot of drinking and after promising my wife that I would be home at a certain time, I instead left with the other lady to her place. Though nothing happened physically (Yeah, I know it doesn't sound true, but it is), the damage was done. I got home way past the agreed time, my wife was worried and a trip we had planned was cancelled.

I decided enough was enough and revealed all to my wife a few days later. I must admit I never thought or knew the pain that she would undergo. I can honestly say that I hurt in the WORST way the ONE person I have Truly LOVED. We agreed to attend counselling sessions both at our local church and with a marriage counsellor. I rededicated my life to Christ as I had not been living a true life and vowed to work on my marriage.

Forward to March 2010, after having attended counselling sessions both at Church and at the Marriage counsellor, things seemed to have started having a positive turn. We were not there yet, but there was commitment from both myself and my wife to work on the marriage. On this particular day, a very innocent argument arose and before long it went out of control and it ended with me hitting my wife after she told me to grow up.

In both instances I realise my wrong and have apologised for them, though it seems that I lost the good will that had started. I realise that I am to blame for the most of the rot and mess as I clearly made some horrible choices instead of sticking it out and working with my wife when she needed me most, but quite frankly my needs were not being met.

For the longest time, I felt justified in my affairs as I thought that if I couldnt get it at home, what's the big deal, I can get it outside, but I couldnt continue with this lie and had to wake up to the fact that I was selfish and not treating my wife as a Queen as I was supposed to be doing.

My questions really are 2 fold, how do I go about getting the goodwill that was there before to continue working on the marriage, and what should I expect during the rebuilding phase. I love my wife and dont want to lose her.

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@Maritalbliss
To be honest, they were people I met in certain joints, not colleagues or friends, or even friends of friends.. Kindly read my full post (Just recently posted). It will give more details..

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Gosh, how many were there?

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3 steps forward and 2 back means you have actually moved ahead. Don't discount this fact.

The fact that you are still talking is amazing in alot of ways. I suspect the first thing you will have to rebuild will be her trust first and foremost. Open all your secrets to her, email, phone messages, etc. Give her the passwords to everything you could touch. Write out a clear and detailed schedule about where you were throughout the day. Be consistent, and even if she doesn't want them leave your email open on the computer for her to look through. Leave your schedule on the counter for her to read or toss, whichever she desires.

Don't push and don't expect much for some time. If you are merely interacting, and you are doing everything YOU can then you are doing everything YOU CAN. She will have to find a way to either accept or deny it.

Read everything here, but don't push her to do the same at this point. You will simply have to be the best person ever and FOREVER that you can be. There is no bargaining on honesty, ENs, etc at this point. You just have to be as good as absolutely possible, and work to rebuild her trust. It won't be easy.

Be willing to listen to her bash you for a while... it is hard, but theraputic for her to a point. Answer each and every question COMPLETELY HONESTLY. Don't sugar coat it, but don't be too graphic unless she actually asks.

Tell her you are SORRY if you are... tell you you LOVE HER if you do. Don't LIE to her at all ever again. Because all this will come back instantaneously. You broke it, trust, and now you have to live with the consequences.

Just don't discount the 'single step' you gain with a 3:2 ratio.

: DIDN'T see the abuse by you. You have more issues within yourself to worry about first. You aren't marriage material at this point. Work on yourself, give her something worth working FOR. :

Last edited by Cantfigureitout; 04/21/10 09:47 AM.
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