TST

Then we will have to agree to disagree. I believe BH is doing more than most AT THIS STAGE OF RECOVERY. I haven't a clue if he will continue. I believe he will.

You are welcome to post your opinions, as am I. I see no purpose in being disagreeable. Attempting to open up the contents of a locked thread is not helping this newbie in any form or fashion. If you write to me at my email address, I will be most pleased to provide the additional information you do not have.

I will refer you to a letter I have received directly from Dr. Harley wherein he says, "And we don't judge."

Larry

Broken,

My H was deployed at D-day and it took another 3 months to get together consistently. We did spend nearly every weekend together, racking up airline bills. And we spent a great deal of time on the telephone. Our situation was a little different in that H was still working with OW and saw her every few days. It looks like your H has established NC and that is a really good thing.

I concur with those that say to set the bar really high for H's return. I did not really do that and suffered many months of "trickle truth" from H and a false recovery that culminated in him contacting OW via phone and email several months later. And then he trickle truthed about that for another 3 months.

If you can possibly handle it, attend an MB weekend. It covers all the aspects of the MB program and provides a coach that gives that accountability piece. The program is very specific and people who deviate from the MB principles do not seem to be very successful. Maybe they are still married, but not that many seem happy in their marriage.

I hope the time can go by really quickly until you and H can really begin to R your M. In the meantime, hang in there the best you can.

Best wishes.

AM

Larry, I disagree that it doesn't help for people here to know the perspective from which we post. That is WHY I have "FWW" in my signature line - no other reason. It's not like I walk around with "FWW" on all my clothing - Here at home I am simply me - we don't use labels at home, or even around town -lol- but HERE, where we are offering advice to people in crisis [most of the time affair related crises], it DOES matter.

Further, there are some people that post here who would not wish to take my advice based upon my history - and that is their right - I accept being "judged" where my past is concerned - I understand that the poor choices that I made then are subject to judgment by others - Heck, *I* judge my adultery - it was WRONG - I was BAD then! Now, I am no longer making poor choices today - who I was then, is NOT who I am now, but that doesn't mean that the consequences of my adultery are removed. Part of those consequences include some people not wishing to interact with me...I fully accept responsibility for what I did back then, and part of taking full responsibility is owning ALL of the consequences...

I do not understand why someone would be opposed to having others know their history...Especially in the case of being a FWS or FOM/FOW - It doesn't make sense to me...

Mrs. W

Totally agree with Pepper! Reading former wayward points of view is priceless!

I can say without a doubt, being a recent BW that this information is invaluable and I appreciate all of it....Thank you and KUDOS!!
Very inspiring!!

Just because Dr Harley doesn't judge doesn't mean others won't. I'd like to know the context in which he said that - if he is counselling someone for instance I'm sure he wouldn't. Most people seem to judge bad behaviour.

hey all...well, I think I am going thru an angry stage right now. I try not to but I always wind up making WH upset because I argue points with him. I do apologize after the fact because I know he is trying.....but I still get the message across....
I have a phone interview tomorrow for a job up where WH is. I haven't made a decision to go yet but I am keeping my options open. Guess if I get the job decisions will have to be made....I hope I am ready....not too sure I am. I hope with him coming home for a few weeks will help in the decision process...at least we will be able to see each other and physically show that we are working on this.

broken-fingers and toes crossed for you getting that job. I am sure that the time together will be a HUGE improvement. UA is THEE most important component when you are trying to have a happy and fulfilled M whether you are R from an A or not. Many BS/WS say that they start to notice their feelings of love disappearing as the UA goes down. I am sure that there will be an up and down effect to R for you. It is a HORRIBLE roller coaster ride. THose who have gotten to the end say that the ride is WELL WORTH IT. tick with MB. You are doing GRAND.

I am speaking to WH now and I have to ask...because he doesn't have an answer....why is a marriage not important when the affair is happening but as soon as you are caught it all of a sudden means the world to you???? Any good answers out there?

The awareness of what a WS has done can wake them up enough to pull them out of the fog....... Then the guilt, shame and remorse follows......

However, there is never a good enough answer that can remove the damage that has been created......


There is a good thread on the recovery forum called, something like, Can working MB lead to repentance! Check it out when you have time.

Hey all, after having a lengthy conversation with WH this week he decided to come forward to his parents about our situation and then drove to my parents and told them. He also apologized to everyone for the situation we are now in. He cut off all social networking and has talked to Steve in the counseling center. Not bad for a start huh? I am going to make and appt with Steve as well...he told WH that he would like to talk to me....and after some thinking.....I agreed. Keep you posted!!

OH Broken, That sounds GREAT. Everyone who has talked to the coaching center has RAVED about how much better they feel after wards. I am glad to here that DH is on board so far.

That is great progress! How did all of your parents react? Do you have their support?

Hi Broken,

Your post made me cry...... sorry but this stuff really matters to me even though I don't know either of you IRL.

NOW a recovery can begin!

The only element missing is the two of you being together for 15+ hrs of UA time.... If your willing, Steve Harley will help you with all of this!

Praying for both of you.

Well, I haven't heard from his parents but my mother called today and told me that her and my father were there for me. She told me that WH told them everything, they were shocked (no duh!) and that they would like to see a positive outcome. You see, my parents have been together for 55+ years and I am sure they have had their share....they of course want me to fight for the marriage even though it hurt me beyound words. They also want me to be happy.

WH did get support from both sides. They told him to keep positive and doing what he is doing. Both sides were glad to see he was doing something....

TST, I told WH that his actions this weekend showed me that he will do what he can to make amends and that I was proud of what he had done. I also told him that what worried me is his patience...he doesn't have a good history with that and it worries me about how long this recovery thing can take. I hope he has the strength and patience for it....I am sure that he will try his hardest though....I just have to keep on him to continue....

So happy to hear this. This is a very good sign for your marriage.

My parents (married 60 years) were on my side to save the marriage. They loved my husband. Sadly my dad died and my WH never talked to him. WH did send a letter to my dad saying he was sorry. But the affair continued.

I'm so happy for you!