Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 13 of 91 1 2 11 12 13 14 15 90 91
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
You are a good man.

Every woman wants to be fought for.

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
Quote
MB will not work on a woman like this. She is broken and will stay broken and won't seek you out unless she has something personal to gain from it.


This may or may not be true. Jeff hasn't even gotten the chance to TRY MB princples in his M.

And MORE importantly, he WANTS to try.


Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
BTW,

I too had the White Knight Syndrome. It's something to explore. We get a certain satisfaction from rescuing the damsels in distress.

Those damsels are exciting women. The sex is ofen awesome (my psycho ex fiance was hot and hypersexual) and the troubles she deals with which you're rescuing her from are exciting elements in the relationship.

But the woman is using you. She is not consciously doing it, but you're in the picture for only as long as you're useful.

I had many White Knight relationships, starting with high school through to my exww.

When I divorced I started to follow the same pattern. I met a woman in my divorce group who had been cheated on and was hurting over it and I fell for her. I had that White Knight idea that I could show her how she should be loved, etc, etc.

I'm glad I recognized the dead end that was before going further.

I made a conscious decision to seek women who were independent, on their own two feet, and didn't need me for anything other than companionship, good company, and where a relationship could develop.

I've met such a woman and we're marrying soon. I'm very happy and I know I have someone in my life that is an equal partner and not one in need of rescue of any type.

Your WW is a really broken soul.

Part of your personal fog is your age. I have a decade of experience on you as a man who is very similar in values as you are. The White Knight thing is something I had to consciously fight.

We give you this feedback as food for though. By no means do I expect you to say, "You guys are right. I'm ending this right now and counting my lucky stars."

You're hurting and are in a bit of denial. Chew and digest the thoughts we're giving you. A little emotional distance will help you see the truth in what we say.


Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
Originally Posted by Marshmallow
Every woman wants to be fought for.

Not mentally stable ones.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Originally Posted by jmwc95
Also, how did you ever find out it was physical? Did she admit to it at some point?

Yes, she told me during her first one day "break down" where she was saying she loves me and wants to try marriage counseling and work on our marriage. She said they had sex at OCS, and that she was able to climax from it. She said that she used to with me, but over time she's felt like I'm less and less attracted to her and so she's been faking it because she's not into it. Keep in mind her sex drive outstrips my own, and when together initiation is usually 50\50 on both our parts.

During her 3 day "break down" where she read marriage builders, ordered the books, we both filled out the EN questionnaire, and I filled out a personal history (she didn't finish hers before she reverted back to the OM.) Her questionnaire put sexual satisfaction as her 3rd need, with her satisfaction with me as a 2. Her explanation was that she was no longer able to climax from sex because she feels that I'm not attracted to her.

Still, rough stuff to hear. I'm always telling her how sexy she is, how beautiful she is, how much I enjoy our sex life, buying her lingerie, etc. I think that her sexual satisfaction was probably impacted by her lack of feeling connected to me, via communication and affection, which she was instead having with the OM. Her memory of "bad things" in our marriage focuses primarily on things that have occurred while she was having the affair.

I've never had complaints about lack of sexual satisfaction before from other women. We're both very experienced people, me from high school\college days, and her from middle school through college. I've been with about 50 partners, she's been with about 30. So I didn't rush into marriage because of her hypersexuality, or because she was the first woman I've had sex with.

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
Originally Posted by helpthelostdads
Not mentally stable ones.

Quote
The deep cry of every woman is am I lovely? Every woman needs to know that she is exquisite and exotic and chosen. This is the core to her identity. The way she bears the image of God. Will you pursue me? Do you delight in me? Will you fight for me?

.....................

Even if he can't quite put into words, every man is haunted by the question, "Am I really a man? Have I got what it takes...when it counts?"


Excerpts from the book Wild at Heart Discovering the Secrets of a Man's Soul.


Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Hi Gurka,

Thanks for sharing your story with us... it does help fill in some gaps.

One of the things that you will find here on the MB pages is that we that post here speak from our own personal experience. We share them with others that are hurting for various reasons, but believe that most that share do so in the hope that the pain that they've been through and the lessons that they've learned will help someone.

I'm not about to say that any of the posters here are wrong and that you should follow ___'s advice unless it is reinforcing the MB princples.

You are getting a lot of great information here on various situations with BH's that had a WW that was similar to your situation. Please remember that EVERY situation is different, and in the end, it is YOUR decision as to what you want to do.

The facts that the other posters have laid out to you are very similar to what I delt with with Mrs. RIF. For us, we were able to move back to the states and we were able to establish a "normal" marriage in that I wasn't constantly in the field for training, and back then , there weren't any deployments.

Mrs. RIF eventually got the counseling and medical treatment that she needed, and she eventually confessed to the A that I suspected with one of my soldiers, as well as five more that all occured while we were stationed overseas... Her confession was 10 years after her last A.

It took us about 2.5 years to rebuild our M after her confession to the other A's.

Please keep reading here and keep focusing on ending the A and plan-A'ing her when she tries to hurt you. Once she has been in NC with the OM, you can then evaluate what direction you'd like to go.

You don't have to decide today. So focus on what you can control right now, and don't worry about "what if" way down the road...

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
I am far, far more committed to my marriage than I am the army. If I can save my marriage, I'm out.


hurray

All right! More committed to your marriage than the army? YOU are my HERO, Soldier! I salute you, and I want you to know that you are a Great American.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
I'm going to start calling you Wilt. wink

Seriously, it's scary that she needs sex to feel good about herself and that she can't climax anymore with you because she doesn't feel you desire her anymore. That is not good or normal. She has major issues that she will need to get fixed before she can have any healthy relationships, and you can't fix her. I'm afraid she may bounce from relationship to relationship looking for someone she can "climax" with until she can't climax with them anymore. Then she repeats the pattern. If you save your marriage you will have to be on high alert all the time because she is definitely wired to cheat much more than the average person.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
Gerk had it right when he said..

Quote
I think that her sexual satisfaction was probably impacted by her lack of feeling connected to me, via communication and affection, which she was instead having with the OM.


Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Did you notice that she didn't climax with you?


Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
Quote
If you save your marriage you will have to be on high alert all the time because she is definitely wired to cheat much more than the average person.

I just don't understand how you can say this.

When was there a time when Gerk and his W were living together, meeting each other's needs when she cheated on him?


Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
I agree with Marsh 100%.

And being in the military and the separations are hard on marriages. I worked for 5 different 2nd LT's in the past 10 years and ALL of them got out. With the wars going on, even if you are not deployed, there are long, almost impossible hours. My last one worked from 4:00AM to 9:00PM, and most weekends. His wife left him and moved back home. He got out and they now are happily married and have 2 sons. And by the way, he used the MB program.

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by believer
I agree with Marsh 100%.

I agree with Believer, 101 %.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Originally Posted by believer
Did you notice that she didn't climax with you?

No, she was faking. I noticed that she seemed to not be enjoying herself as much as she used to, and I asked her about it when I noticed (I've always felt that talking about sex is the best way to make it better.) She said she didn't know why.

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Quote
She specifically said she sent the papers with the waiver I would have to sign in order to waive my right to personal jurisdiction (basically accept that I've been served.)


If she is sending you a waiver (and divorcing in Texas) DO NOT SIGN THAT WAIVER. Yes, it is a waiver of service but it can also be a waiver of your rights to be notified of any future hearings, etc. In other words, she could get your signed waiver, file it with the court, wait 60 days and then go to the courthouse WITHOUT YOU or notice to you and prove up her divorce. You could be divorced within 60 days of the date you sign the waiver.

Force her to personally serve you. Also, I believe that in Texas if you are active duty stationed overseas, any divorce action would be put on hold. Not 100% sure about that but I am SURE about the waiver. I'll check the rules.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Hey Gurka,

Just wanted to remind you of something... ALL of us are "wired" to commit adultery.

One of the things that MB did for Mrs. RIF and I was that it showed us that we BOTH needed to place specific boundaries within our M to make sure that we protect it at all times... that's why spending time together is so critical to the MB program.

Stay focused on ending the A and don't worry about the things that you can't control right now...

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
What I don't understand is how she thought this would go from the outset. A man 10 years older, married with kids, also in the Army, while she's married to an Army officer. Even when I confronted her initially and asked her how she thought it could work out for the two of them, she said, "I don't know, it's hard to tell the future..." in kind of a hazy voice. It's like she hasn't been able to see past the end of her nose for 6 months.

I highlighted your critical error: waywards don't think.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Yep, don't cooperate, drag it out.

You can have a great marriage again. Believe that.


Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by RIF
Stay focused on ending the A and don't worry about the things that you can't control right now...

Semper Fi,

AMEN !

Page 13 of 91 1 2 11 12 13 14 15 90 91

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 61 guests, and 53 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,807
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5