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You mentioned something which resonated. Your WW suffered sexual abuse as a child. Not to over generalize, since I know several normal women who were similar victims, but this has a massive impact on a woman as she gets older if she doesn't deal with it.

She has a massive scar in her psyche. This is going to be there for a loooooong time. She will have a constant craving for attention from men. She has a low self esteem to buck up her feeligns. When you're gone, she will seek that elsewhere. My exww, with similar issues to yours, sought friendships with men and turned away from friendships with women, who she didn't trust.

This is a generalization. Be careful with those.


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Originally Posted by helpthelostdads
MB will not work on a woman like this. She is broken and will stay broken and won't seek you out unless she has something personal to gain from it.

"She won't seek you out unless she has something personal to gain from it" sounds pretty much exactly like the way MB works, to me!

Here is what Marriage Builders actually says about childhood abuse issues:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5019_qa.html

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Now for your second question: Is it possible for a damaged person to be a good wife?

My experience, having counseled hundreds who have experienced childhood abuse, has led me to the conclusion that childhood abuse does not damage a person. While it's a hotly debatable position, it's what I strongly believe.

So I begin my answer with the assumption that the experiences of your childhood are far less likely to affect your ability to meet your husband's needs (or have him meet yours) than you suspect. Any sensitivities you have developed as a result of abuse have not "ruined" you because they can be accommodated by your future husband. It's all part of learning how to be emotionally connected to someone else. My Policy of Joint Agreement is a terrific learning aid in helping couples adjust to all sorts of sensitivities.

A couple of other related articles:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8115_prob.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5013_qa.html


A reminder, from the top of this page:
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Sometimes you may hear alternative opinions that conflict with Dr. Harley's Ten Basic Concepts. These are often raised by those who have not solved their own marital problems, but still feel they are qualified to advise others. When this happens you can expect some members to explain why their approach won't work, and why Marriage Builders� offers a better solution. There are many who are offended when that happens, but please keep in mind that the ultimate purpose of this Forum is to discuss and learn Marriage Builders� concepts.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I knew about her abuse before we were married. Sadly I never asked her too much about it because it made me so sad, and angry and hurt to hear how someone hurt this wonderful woman that I loved. I realize now that we should have talked about it (she's talked about it with OM) and she should have gone to therapy. She's going to therapy now. Her therapist is telling her do whatever makes you happy right now, and encouraging her to pursue the affair.

So you're saying it's a good idea for her to have therapy for her childhood abuse with a person who's encouraging her affair?? crazy


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Originally Posted by markos
A reminder, from the top of this page:
Sometimes you may hear alternative opinions that conflict with Dr. Harley's Ten Basic Concepts. These are often raised by those who have not solved their own marital problems, but still feel they are qualified to advise others. When this happens you can expect some members to explain why their approach won't work, and why Marriage Builders� offers a better solution. There are many who are offended when that happens, but please keep in mind that the ultimate purpose of this Forum is to discuss and learn Marriage Builders� concepts.


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I plan on dragging it out as long as I can until I feel that she's in a position to make rational decisions again. It boggles my mind that when she's screaming at me she's telling me I'm being crazy and she's perfectly rational.

I'm not signing anything here in Afghanistan. If (when) I get any kind of legal paperwork in the mail, I'll take it to the SJA at a nearby camp and have them advise me. I'm protected from any kind of civil actions by the SSCRA, a federal law, until I return from deployment. I think by that point (3 months from now) she'll have calmed down enough that we can make some decisions.

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So you're saying it's a good idea for her to have therapy for her childhood abuse with a person who's encouraging her affair??


Hi MB,

I didn't read it that way at all...

I read it as a description of the condition of his marriage from a solider that is 7,000 miles away from home who is trying to do the best he can to fight for his marriage...

Please, Let's try and focus on helping Gurka instead of analyzing his posts.

Semper Fi,

RIF


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Originally Posted by RIF
Hey Gurka,
Just wanted to remind you of something... ALL of us are "wired" to commit adultery.

One of the things that MB did for Mrs. RIF and I was that it showed us that we BOTH needed to place specific boundaries within our M to make sure that we protect it at all times... that's why spending time together is so critical to the MB program.

Stay focused on ending the A and don't worry about the things that you can't control right now...

Semper Fi,

RIF

What RIF said. I really get lathered up when all survivors of childhood abuse get tagged with crap like "damaged, self-esteem problems, seeking out men/terrified of men, don't trust men/women," blah blah blah. Do not distract yourself with her childhood issues right now. Right now you need to get her back with you and establish NC. Oy vey. mad


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Hey Gurka,

How have you been doing with reading up on Plan-A?

There are some good suggestions up in the Military section... When you get a chance, take a look at some of the ways that you can meet your W's EN's while you're deloyed...

Semper Fi,

RIF


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Gurka and everyone else,

Sorry to go off psychoanalyzing your WW. Not all abuse victims are permanently damaged goods. I do not know your WW. I guess maybe I am projecting some of my own feelings and experience onto your situation. I respect that you are fighting for your marriage, and I hope this turns out well for you. Up until this point, your marriage never stood much of a chance because of the distance and circumstances. Hopefully, your WW will buy into MB and you will have a great marriage in the future. I just wanted to make sure you didn't overlook anything. There are plenty of BSs that have come here that are clinging to marriages with awful people and continue to take the abuse, hoping their spouse will change. Good luck, and I'll drop the psychoanalysis for good. I just wanted to get more of the backstory to understand your situation better to help advise on what to do going forward. Stay safe.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Hi there-

I wanted to weigh in on the sexual abuse and adultery issue. I was abused in every way growing up- including sexual. My mother told me I was lying about her husband molesting me and believed him over me. I had to live in the house with him until I was old enough to move out. I was extremely anger at my mother for not protecting me. You grow to distrust people when the person who is to care for you the most doesn't.

My grandmother was the only person who loved me growing up. She instilled in me values and loved me unconditionally. I was unhappy in my marriage because I couldn't get my ex to meet any of my needs- and he wasn't interested in doing so. I had a hysterectomy one week and my grandmother died the next at 93.

The one person who put me infront of themselves was gone from this earth- what was I going to do?? I had depended on so many things to fill my emotional love bank. My job, my husband, my house, my friends, my children. The thing that happens is that those things stop satisfying you and you have to move on to the next one.

The emotional hole is for me something only that God can fill- and if I seek anything else to fill it- it's a poor substitute.

I don't feel that I'm damaged goods- although I did commit adultery when I was married before. I have asked for forgiveness and have not received it (as is his right) but I know my Lord has forgiven me. I feel that I'm that much more of a person who will and has kept my boundaries in check now. Do I think I'll do it again? I don't feel that I will.

She needs some therapy- but you cannot force her to get well.

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Originally Posted by Dr Harley's newsletter
An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions.

'da bestest !
[Linked Image from millan.net] Dr. Harley = superhero


*link* to the newsletter


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Good Morning Gurka!

How are you doing this morning?

Semper Fi,

RIF


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I said it before and I'll say it again: Not all abused women end up with the psych scars and they end up dealing with their abuse and have normal relationships.

Having experienced the other end, however, led me to do some research on the matter when I learned about it. The research I did suddenly opened my eyes and so much of what puzzled me in the marriage suddenly made sense.

So to dismiss it outright is wrong just as putting everything into it is wrong as well.

But that's putting things ahead of the more immediate issues at hand.

Ending the affair is number one regardless of whether or not you pursue divorce.

My contribution to you is merely in the fact that divorce will be/may be the most difficult thing you've ever gone through BUT the lessons learned from it can help you tremendously when you finally heal and decide to date again.

In other words, there is life after divorce and it can be much better than you imagined.

That's ultimately what I'm trying to say.

I relate to much of what you post, down to the feelings about deployments, your marriage, etc.

Keep your chin up and we'll be rooting for you.

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Originally Posted by Dr Harley's newsletter
An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions.
I've read this several times and each time I come away with the same thought:

Huh?

Why in the world is Dr. Harley suggesting the BETRAYED SPOUSE would have an affair???


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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The OMW has contacted me again, saying that things have been aired and she feels that her husband is still lying to her even when he says he's telling her the "truth" about everything. She asked me to explain some of the problems in my marriage, and that she had talked to my WW, so that I shouldn't try to paint myself as a saint.

Certainly not what I expected. I seem to be the one on trial now.

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Just finished reading your stitch when you posted

Remember from her POV - she has a vested interest for this to go away quietly and quickly,

She may not be an ally but she will be watching on her end and that is good.

thanks for your service and sorry to see so many soldiers on this board lately...you hear how deployments are tough on the families but one doesnt realize that families are being destroyed during these times/


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Gerka,

I am going to play devils advocate here. You don't have to explain your marriage to OM's W. If she has a specific incident she wants to check with you, then fine tell her. However, you might want to consider that he has convinced her that you are nuts and is using her to try and get information from you so that he knows what is coming. Your W might be in on this as well as she is still talking to OM.

I hate to be cautious here, but I think until the investigation takes place you need to just sit back and do your job. OM's W is going to find out about the investigation and the results so what you say or don't say will not aid her situation at this point.

I gather from your detailed history that it is likely the OM and your W hooked up in OCS and that at that point he was in her CoC. Is that right? If so you need to transmit that info to the powers that be. Also it is possible that other trainee's were aware of the affair. Most won't like having to lie for her and risk their careers. You might get some very good leverage from this.

Be cool, be quiet, and take care of business where you are.

God Bless,

JL

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No, they were both officer candidates together.

I've considered that perhaps they've "turned" her, but I'm not sure....

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She asked me to explain some of the problems in my marriage, and that she had talked to my WW, so that I shouldn't try to paint myself as a saint.


I can't imagine a BS writing this to another BS.

Could it be OM, writing to you, posing as his W?


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The OMW has contacted me again, saying that things have been aired and she feels that her husband is still lying to her even when he says he's telling her the "truth" about everything.


First he says this...trying to get you to tell him more of what you know.

And then he gives you the second part...seeing if you can give him some dirt that he can use to discredit you.

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