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She just told you she didn't see a need for further contact...and now this?

Doesn't make sense.

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I wrote her back explaining how the affair started, how it progressed and what's happened since I've confronted her. I told her if she has specific questions that she needs answered so she can know her husband is lying, to ask and I will answer them.

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Saw my WW withdrew about $4 from her joint account that had been put there for debit card rebates and interest. Such a petty little thing to do.

I'm concerned that since it's a joint account, some kind of autopayment or something may hit it, and then I'll be stuck with fees for no reason.

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Originally Posted by Marshmallow
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She asked me to explain some of the problems in my marriage, and that she had talked to my WW, so that I shouldn't try to paint myself as a saint.


I can't imagine a BS writing this to another BS.

Could it be OM, writing to you, posing as his W?

I'm pretty sure that this is OM not OMW. OM knows that you are using email to contact OMW and it is VERY SIMPLE for him to get OMW mail account info and fake OMW. This is war also from his side and he will use everything he can against you!

Please proceed very cautiously, the best course of action right now is to stop communication with "OMW".


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
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Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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When OMW originally contacted me she said her email was a personal one that her husband doesn't check. To be honest I have no idea what's going on. Him knowing what I told her won't save him though. I just sent in the other 4 months worth of phone bills to the investigators, not having looked at them myself since I first got them. The amount of contact between them is staggering, literally thousands of text messages, hundreds of calls. If the investigators are looking for a "pattern" I think they'll find one.

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Good afternoon Gurka!

Quote
When OMW originally contacted me she said her email was a personal one that her husband doesn't check.


...yep, and I'm sure that OM told his W that he wasn't having an affair too. If OM was 'slick' enough to stay in an A with your W, then he's just laying another lie on his W about not checking her e-mail... assume that the OM is on the other end of OMW's e-mail.

I agree with the others... don't pass on any information to the OM'sW/OM until you can 100% verify who you're talking with on the other end.

OM's W knows about the A, and that's good enough for now.

Great job in providing the additional records... and yes, it will definitely help in showing a pattern.

Have you provided a sworn statement yet? If not, I would get started on that and list the FACTS as you know them. Try to be as specific as you can about contact between the OM and your W. Have your sworn statement signed off by your downrange commander and then send it to each of the commands.

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To be honest I have no idea what's going on.

...um, yes you DO know what's going on! wink

You know that your W is/was having an A with OM.

You HAVE exposed A to their C-of-C.

You HAVE exposed A to your W's friends and Family.

You HAVE exposed A to OM's W.


So, given those facts, you pretty much know what the outcome of all of this will be, right???

THE AFFAIR BETWEEN YOUR WIFE AND OM WILL DIE!!!


Focus on this first step (ending the A) and Plan-A... you don't have to worry about any of the other "steps" right now.

Your goal is to end the A and show your W your BEST side and show her that you can be loving and kind to her no matter what venom she spews at you.

We'll cross the other bridges after we finish crossing this one...

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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So I should be waiting to hear from my WW, right? The last thing she said to me (over instant messsenger) was "I'll never talk to you again if you go through with this." So I assume I should wait to hear from her once she's had a while without the OM.

My BN commander told me that he doesn't need a sworn statement from me, though I offered. The other BN commanders are in charge of the investigations, and I assume they've appointed investigating officers who will contact me if they want a sworn statement.

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Also, should I answer the phone when\if she calls?

Also can I get a good link to a good explanation of "Plan A" ?

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So I should be waiting to hear from my WW, right?


Hi Gurka,

I wouldn't be "waiting" as in waiting for a package to arrive... In other words, I suspect that you WILL hear from her at some point in time but try not to put a timelimit or timeframe on it.

I know this is hard, but try not to think:

"Ok, if I hear from her the next time I open up my e-mail, that will mean that I still have a chance..."

or

"If I have a message from her within the next 48 hrs then that will mean that she's mad at me, but willing to work things out..."

or

"If I don't hear from her within the next week, then all chance for rebuilding the M are off..."


Do you see where I'm trying to go with this? Don't set yourself up for dissapointment. Contact will most likely happen, and you should be preparing for it by studying up on some of the ways to reach out to her by meeting her EN's.

Read some of the ideas up in the military section...

If your BN Cdr said you don't need to do a sworn statement, then I'd follow his advice.

You're doing great!!! Just relax and study up on Plan-A and let the investigations happen...

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

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Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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Hey Gurka - If she calls and you feel that you can control your emotions and stick with your script "I love you and I am willing to do everythning possible to save our M." Then, yes, I think you should answer.

If you aren't sure that you can do this, then I would suggest not answering.

I know it's a hard decision because you want/need contact with your W... that's only natural. But remember, your "wife" is on another planet right now... think through how you'd handle a call from her when she starts off with something like this:

"Gurka, I TOLD you that if you went ahead with this that we're finished! Just wanted to let you know that it's OVER!!!"

If you can respond with your standard line and NOT get into any relationship talks, then go ahead and answer the phone....

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

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Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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Like I said, I could use a good Plan A link. I know I've seen one, but I can't find it again.

We both filled out EN questionnaires during her 3 days of Marriage builders. Our EN rankings are almost identical in importance, none of our needs are more than 1 position off from each other. But where I felt that most of mine were reasonably well met by her (aside from honesty) she pretty much put that none of hers were fulfilled beyond a "1" by me. And instead of putting ways that I could improve the way I meet those needs, she just put criticisms of things that she didn't like.

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I just read back through the EN questionnaire she filled out, and I guess she did say that I was doing an ok job at some things, ie attractiveness, admiration, sex was a 2.

I feel like our emotional needs are very similar judging from the questionnaire, and I know we've met each others before, but such a long time apart has eroded our ability to do that.

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http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

This is from the basic concepts part of the MB web site... I think you can search for theads by using the search tab on the top of your window...

Semper Fi,

RIF

*edited to add*

yep, the search tab at the top of the page... type "plan a" and it will list a bunch of links.

Hopefully some of the more experienced members will provide you some direct links to some of the better threads...

Last edited by RIF; 04/22/10 04:46 AM. Reason: more info

Me, BS

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Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

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I read the basics part, but it's not as good as the some of the better posts that list out the "carrot" and the "stick" parts.

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http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2356286&page=1

"Carrot and Stick of Plan A (Revisited)" by Pepperband...

Here you go Gurka!

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

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Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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Looks like I'm doing a pretty good job of Plan A. Just need to wait for all the consequences to rain down, and her to start thinking clearly again.

Do you guys ever feel like you're acting as a parent by doing any of this? Like you're letting them learn their lesson in order to make them a better person? It seems difficult to see each other as equal partners in this situation.

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Hey Gurka,

Yes, it can feel that way at times... keep reading and learning.

You're doing a super job!!!

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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Gerka,

Are you dealing with combat patrols?

Keep your head in the game when you can. A distraction like this could literally cost you your life, not that you need to be told.

I'm guessing that if WW and OM have talked to OMW, then they have tried to paint you as a raving and jealous guy finding things where they don't exist.

I wouldn't write more to OMW. Perhaps a short note along the lines of:

OMW,

I wish to save my marriage and end this affair. Telling you was an important step.

I encourage you to do your own snooping to uncover the truth. Best of luck to you.

Gerka

That's all. Unless she starts spying and sharing intel with you, then you should have no need to contact her any further.

It will be iteresting to see how they respond to the hammer coming down. My guess is that OM will dump WW like a hot potato.

He's seeing things unravel as it is.

Best of luck.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Looks like I'm doing a pretty good job of Plan A. Just need to wait for all the consequences to rain down, and her to start thinking clearly again.

Do you guys ever feel like you're acting as a parent by doing any of this? Like you're letting them learn their lesson in order to make them a better person? It seems difficult to see each other as equal partners in this situation.

Yes. I once was compared to "Chairman Mao" when I found her pre-paid calling card she used to contact OM after she had already agreed to NC and tore it up. How she "hated" that I was so "controlling." Well, after the addiction wore off, she got over it. It's sad when you have to treat your own wife like a rebellious, hormone-filled teenage daughter, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

Next time OMW says something to the effect of "you are no saint," I would respond by saying that "WW has painted you as a pretty crappy wife, but that it doesn't make it true. Would WW admit to cheating on a good husband, or would she just make excuses to justify her cheating?" I'm sick of people blaming the BS for the WS's affair. It happens all the time. "Well, she obviously wouldn't have cheated on you if you had a good marriage to begin with." Really?

Again, I know you want this affair to be over and your WW to get through withdrawal, like yesterday, but it is going to take some time. Be patient. It's a marathon, not a sprint.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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What did she put as her top ENs?

Maybe we can help you think of ways to meet them from a distance. I wouldn't lose any sleep over it right now; she's madder than a wet hen and you can't make any LB$ deposits at the moment. But in a week or two you can start putting out little glimpses of what a great option the marriage is.

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