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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
The OMW has contacted me again, saying that things have been aired and she feels that her husband is still lying to her even when he says he's telling her the "truth" about everything. She asked me to explain some of the problems in my marriage, and that she had talked to my WW, so that I shouldn't try to paint myself as a saint.

Certainly not what I expected. I seem to be the one on trial now.

It is not abnormal for a BS to turn the tables and make the other parties the 'bad guys'. She's trying to protect the relationship she (thought) she had, and make it salvageable. It's easier to square the whole A if she can be left with a BH who is somewhat of a victim in her eyes.

Don't let her analysis of your M distract you. You've still given her a heads-up; what she does with that is up to her.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Just got a response from OMW:
Thanks, that's it. I won't be contacting you again.

I replied with what you guys recommended above, that telling her was an important step to saving my marriage, and the right thing to do, and that she should never feel like she or I are at fault for any of this.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Just got a response from OMW:
Thanks, that's it. I won't be contacting you again.

I replied with what you guys recommended above, that telling her was an important step to saving my marriage, and the right thing to do, and that she should never feel like she or I are at fault for any of this.

That's fine. Although I don't think you should dismiss the possibility that she will contact you again. Right now she's in a state of disbelief, anger, outrage, etc. You are a reminder of a terrible crime against her. As she gets stronger she may contact you again. Good of you to leave the door open by being cordial in your response.


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Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
Originally Posted by Dr Harley's newsletter
An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions.
I've read this several times and each time I come away with the same thought:

Huh?

Why in the world is Dr. Harley suggesting the BETRAYED SPOUSE would have an affair???

Fred, you have no idea how pleased I am with you for catching this typo that I totally missed.
I copied/pasted this from the Harley newsletter.
Today I did a "notify mod" on Dr Harley ! grin

My brain read it the way I thought it should have been written, not the way it was written.

LOL
Hopefully, the typo will be corrected.


*muah*

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I slept last night from 11pm until 6am without taking anything to make me sleep. Went to the gym at lunch today (to lift weights) and then went running and did ab workouts\pullups\pushups. Jumped in the shower, put on a fresh clean uniform, fixed my hair and had a tasty dinner. Feeling pretty good today.

I feel like I have a plan and I'm executing it to the best of my ability, and it's worked pretty well so far (according to you guys.) I'm feeling kind of hopeful about my marriage, but I'm very worried about my wife and wish I could talk to her.

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Evening Gurka,

Quote
I feel like I have a plan and I'm executing it to the best of my ability, and it's worked pretty well so far (according to you guys.) I'm feeling kind of hopeful about my marriage, but I'm very worried about my wife and wish I could talk to her.


Yes, you are doing a super job with your plan! And good for you for doing some things for yourself today!

Your wife will eventualy return... right now, she's fighting for the addiction that she knows will soon be taken away from her.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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It feels torturous and wrong knowing that she's probably terrified of what's about to happen, and all alone right now. I feel like I want to hold her and tell her it'll all be ok. But I guess that just makes me a sucker.

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How about contacting OM's parents now? Let OM know you are not backing down one bit.


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No, it makes you a loving husband.

Pour out all your love for her in prayer, Gerk.

Hang in there.

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But I guess that just makes me a sucker.


Nope, you're not a sucker. You're a warrior that's fighting for his marriage.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
It feels torturous and wrong knowing that she's probably terrified of what's about to happen, and all alone right now. I feel like I want to hold her and tell her it'll all be ok. But I guess that just makes me a sucker.

It makes you a loving H. hug

She needs to face the consequences of her adultery. Only then will she learn.


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Do you guys really think that if her whole career in the Army (which she's really enjoyed so far, and was looking forward to the future in the Army) is destroyed in the next few weeks\months that she's going to get over that?

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Do you guys really think that if her whole career in the Army (which she's really enjoyed so far, and was looking forward to the future in the Army) is destroyed in the next few weeks\months that she's going to get over that?

Yes. If that happens, then that door will close. Another will open.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Do you guys really think that if her whole career in the Army (which she's really enjoyed so far, and was looking forward to the future in the Army) is destroyed in the next few weeks\months that she's going to get over that?

An important question is, if it is destroyed, is it because of her behavior, or not?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Yes.

If she loses her job, it will NOT be your fault.

It will be entirely hers.

She knew what risks she was taking w/ her career when she began it. The risk was part of the thrill for her...for them.






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Gerka, I said this before, but I want to say it again:

YOU are my HERO, Soldier! I salute you, and I want you to know that you are a Great American.

Keep up the great work!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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The part about blaming the BS just really makes me see red!

Never did get any answers from my ex, but was told by friends and the OW's husband that the reason he had an affair was because I was not into his motorcycles enough. And the day he met the OW, I was working OT to help buy my ex a brand new Harley, which had been his lifelong dream. Felt like a slap in the face.

Hang in there.

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Originally Posted by believer
The part about blaming the BS just really makes me see red!

Never did get any answers from my ex, but was told by friends and the OW's husband that the reason he had an affair was because I was not into his motorcycles enough. And the day he met the OW, I was working OT to help buy my ex a brand new Harley, which had been his lifelong dream. Felt like a slap in the face.

Hang in there.

.... and ..... Believer got the Harley in the D settlement, then, Believer gifted the Harley to OWH.

Since Believer won't toot her own horn, I'll do it for you !
kiss

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Do you guys really think that if her whole career in the Army (which she's really enjoyed so far, and was looking forward to the future in the Army) is destroyed in the next few weeks\months that she's going to get over that?

First of all, it probably won't be destroyed unless she and OM keep going down the same path they are going. Secondly, if it is destroyed, it is her fault not yours.

Honestly, what would you think is harder to get over, losing your job, or your spouse screwing another person and refusing to cut of all contact? If you can get over her infidelity, I'm POSITIVE she could get over a career setback. If she is not the kind of person that could get over it, then trust me, you a much better off without her. This will be her test of true character to determine whether or not she is still worthy of YOU, not the other way around.

I feel for you man. I wish I could send you a couple of my homebrews to calm you down. The WORST part is always right after exposure. It won't get any worse from here.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Do you guys really think that if her whole career in the Army (which she's really enjoyed so far, and was looking forward to the future in the Army) is destroyed in the next few weeks\months that she's going to get over that?


Hey Gurka - Yes, she'll get over it... it might take some time, but she will get over it and then will most likely regret her actions, because she will KNOW that her decisions and choices were the reason that she never had a career in the Army.

You're going to get e-mails/phone calls/chats where she will place 100% of the blame on you... don't buy into this. It was her decision to have an A and she's a big girl and knew the risks that she was taking.

Don't worry about her feelings for her career, they are her's and her's alone, and you are not responsible for her feelings.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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