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Originally Posted by helpthelostdads
Originally Posted by markos
Can you give us other IDs you've posted under so we can read your story? It appears you've been posting four five months.

Nope. Wish I could, but I can't.

Those who know my writing style, know who I am some some I speak to offline know who I was. Circumstances don't let me say more.

I'm pretty sure I know who he is. His WW was worse than most.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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...but getting rid of this broken woman and finding someone deserving of your love and attention once you've healed could be the greatest thing that could happen to you.


I'm glad that I didn't "get rid" of Mrs. RIF... she was about as broken as they come... had MULTIPLE affairs... you name an issue, and Mrs. RIF probably had it.

The "greatest thing" that's happened to me is that God healed and is rebuilding my marriage with Mrs. RIF.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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I set up the cell phone I got my wife at Christmas to get her email through exchange push, so she receives emails instantly. Still haven't heard anything, I have no idea what she's doing since her last "job" ended on the 20th.

To be honest my WW does tend towards selfishness and self-centeredness. Her big problem at OCS was that she wasn't making any friends, and it was really bothering her, she was calling me crying about no one liking her, she said because she was doing so much better than them. I told her to try to talk about herself less with other people, and ask about them, because she tends to domineer conversations and steer them that way, which turns people off. This turned into, "Great, I tell you what a hard time I'm having and you tell me I'm a jerk!" She was in a vulnerable position to be befriended by OM.

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I set up the cell phone I got my wife at Christmas to get her email through exchange push, so she receives emails instantly. Still haven't heard anything, I have no idea what she's doing since her last "job" ended on the 20th.

To be honest my WW does tend towards selfishness and self-centeredness. Her big problem at OCS was that she wasn't making any friends, and it was really bothering her, she was calling me crying about no one liking her, she said because she was doing so much better than them. I told her to try to talk about herself less with other people, and ask about them, because she tends to domineer conversations and steer them that way, which turns people off. This turned into, "Great, I tell you what a hard time I'm having and you tell me I'm a jerk!" She was in a vulnerable position to be befriended by OM.


She just wanted you to LISTEN to her. Sympathize w/ her. Not solve her problems.

Your W is young. She has ALOT to learn. Most 25 year olds ARE immature! She will grow and change.

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You know what's really depressing? Talking to people she went to OCS with and having them tell me, "yeah, she gave off a bad vibe for a married woman, I stayed far away from her. There were rumors of her with XXXXXXX and XXXXXX...."

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Hey Gurka,

Ditto what Marshmallow said...

Took me a while to learn that when Mrs. RIF wanted to talk about a problem, that she just needed for me to listen.

I'm an engineer, so I like to "fix" things! Well, I've learned that Mrs. RIF will let me know if she wants me to solve something for her... otherwise, I know that my job is to just listen to her! loveheart

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

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Markos,

I'm glad you have faith in the system. I think it works with people who stray, as we are all at risk of doing, yet can still be brought back into the fold.

I've been on this board for nearly four years. I have seen many more marriages fail from infidelity than succeed, especially when a WW is involved. Seems like the WHs have a slightly higher chance of coming to their senses, but I have very very rarely seen it in the WW's.

Feel free to report me to the moderators if you wish, but I believe I made it clear that I really hope for a miracle for Gerka. Reality, however, has turned me into the salty dog I've become in regards to infidelity and WW'es.

Stating such, and doing it in a respectful manner, is not forbidden, as far as I know.

It does bother me to see young guys who have no children with WW'es spend months, even years, hanging on to women unworthy of their attention. They're stuck on someone when there are thousands of more deserving women out there. I see this more often in young guys in their twenties who are hung up on romantic notions and are so blinded in their own grief and fog that they can't see the situation for what it is.

A young woman who cheats so soon into a marriage is not worthy of being married to. There's much too much life to live to hang on to such a person, especially where no children are in the picture.

Why settle for sloppy seconds and go through the pain and anguish of recovery with someone like that?

Gerka is choosing to try. I respect that. At the same time, I'm not going to pee on his leg and tell him it's raining when experience on this board has shown me that the odds for him are very low.

I'm giving Gerka the advice I wish I had gotten back when I dealt with my situation.

By all means, expose, end the affair, and then see where you stand. If you end it, do so on your terms. That will give you closure.

If she returns, however, then approach with caution and maker her earn your trust back.

I can tell stories of several guys on these boards that hung on for months, even years, on women who went from OM1 to OM2, 3, 4 etc. All the while, they put their own lives on hold and waited and waited.

This situation puts a real burden on a person's heart. I'm willing to bet Gerk could take his blood pressure and find it abnormally high. Years of that takes it's toll, as I have discovered.

It's also good for Gerka to hear different viewpoints and weigh all his options.


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You know what's really depressing? Talking to people she went to OCS with and having them tell me, "yeah, she gave off a bad vibe for a married woman, I stayed far away from her. There were rumors of her with XXXXXXX and XXXXXX...."


Hey Gurka,

Yes, it is depressing... if you sit and FOCUS on it.

You already know that your W has acted inapropriately and is involved in an A... you can't change that.

You CAN change your thought patterns... try and focus on the positive things that you are doing now to end the A.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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Originally Posted by helpthelostdads
Stating such, and doing it in a respectful manner, is not forbidden, as far as I know.

Nor is pointing out when what you say contradicts the standard Marriage Builders line, which has worked for many people.

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If she returns, however, then approach with caution and maker her earn your trust back.

That sounds like Marriage Builders to me. Are you worried that someone is telling him differently?

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This situation puts a real burden on a person's heart. I'm willing to bet Gerk could take his blood pressure and find it abnormally high. Years of that takes it's toll, as I have discovered.

I don't think Marriage Builders recommends spending years in this kind of situation. 3-4 weeks for women, 6 months for men, is standard.

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It's also good for Gerka to hear different viewpoints and weigh all his options.

It's also good for him to know when people's viewpoints are not consistent with this program, which has worked for many people.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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A young woman who cheats so soon into a marriage is not worthy of being married to.


Mrs. RIF was 18. I was 24.

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Why settle for sloppy seconds and go through the pain and anguish of recovery with someone like that?


This is a very disrespectful comment. So does that mean that I "settled" for sloppy 7ths??? Please, if you wish to make comments like this, please find another forum.

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This situation puts a real burden on a person's heart.


I agree 100%! Mrs. RIF had her first A while I was in my basic course, had 6 more while we were assigned over seas during our first thee years of M. Didn't confess to the othe A's until December 2000. Took us 2.5 years to rebuild. So, lets see.... what was that, about 15 years of a burdened/broken heart.

For me, I have no regrets.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Last edited by RIF; 04/23/10 10:51 AM. Reason: spelling

Me, BS

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Originally Posted by helpthelostdads
I've been on this board for nearly four years.

From the rules of conduct:
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You agree not to create multiple usernames for deceptive purposes.

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Why settle for sloppy seconds and go through the pain and anguish of recovery with someone like that?


This comment is VERY disrespectful and offensive to ALL of the BSes here who have recovered their marriages. Wish there was a "boo-hiss" emoticon right about now.

I don't think Dr. H would refer to our FWS as "sloppy seconds".


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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RIF,

I'm glad things worked out for you. Your FWW's age says a lot. Most of us, men or women, don't have much maturity at that age and I think we're even more at risk for failing in marriage when so young.

My expectations for a woman in her mid-20s who is supposed to be an officer and know better are much higher than for an 18 year old of any background or gender.

I'm glad you made it work. I hope Gerka can do the same. But nothing he's posted so far tells me that this is a woman that is going to be changing much or growing up anytime soon.

Did you settle for sloppy seconds? That's a question only you can answer. You felt it was ok to be with a woman that was with 7 different guys while married to you. I was willing to forgive a woman who was on dates with multiple guys as well. It was a price I was willing to pay in order to keep my family intact.

I know me, however, and I know that the amount of cheating, especially while I was deployed and in harms way, would have eaten at me over the years. It would have been a mountain for me to climb in my mind. Could I have done it? Hard to say.

I feel indifference towards my ex now, but I'm not married to her anymore and am very glad I'm not.

Gerka, friends provide invaluable input. What do people who know both of you tell you? What does your family think?

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I'm glad things worked out for you. Your FWW's age says a lot. Most of us, men or women, don't have much maturity at that age and I think we're even more at risk for failing in marriage when so young.
Age and maturity has less to do with it than an empty Love Bank.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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My family is disappointed but forgiving. They've always loved her.

Her family won't speak to me. I don't know what she told them, but apparently her mother is concerned for her safety. That coupled with the "you're scaring me, I don't want to see you" have me baffled. I've never in my life physically threatened her, even during all of these recent events.

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Hey Gurka,

The "safety" thing and "you're scaring me" are most likely natural protective actions by her family... now you're W's motivation is probably more in line with trying to protect her A activities.

I wouldn't worry too much about these comments other than being careful about what you say to her. As for her family, I wouldn't worry about them for now... your focus is on your M, not your relationship with your in-laws.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Her family won't speak to me. I don't know what she told them, but apparently her mother is concerned for her safety. That coupled with the "you're scaring me, I don't want to see you" have me baffled. I've never in my life physically threatened her, even during all of these recent events.

Nobody expects a person in your situation to do what you are doing, such as exposing the affair. It's to the point that many people will think you are unhinged or unbalanced because you are doing it. Therefore you are a "danger." If you did something so "crazy" as to expose the adultery, then you might do something "crazy" like get violent, or so the reasoning goes.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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No disrespect was intended. That's how I know I would have felt over time towards my WW and it is a feeling many BS's wrestle with. The sentiment may not be expressed in such words, but it's there.

The mods know who I am, my story, and my circumstance.

I'm not going to sugarcoat the situation for BS'es on here. Yes, MB is a great plan to use if you do finally get to the point that you can try to head down the road to recovery. But my experience on this board tells me it's the exception and not the rule.

If you saved your marriage, then congrats. You're one of the lucky few. I haven't seen it happen often on these boards.

Gerka, I'm not going to sugarcoat anything. The reality is what it is. You have a young wife who has cheated on you from the very beginning. By your own admission, she has MASSIVE self esteem issues. She is very insecure and a very high maintenance woman. Your fellow OCS classmates have told you that she wasn't marriage material.

If you feel like rescuing this marriage with those circumstances, then you have that right. I'm merely telling you that there is an alternative which you can puruse since you deserve better than to settle for this.

Children with this woman would be a disaster. The odds of her cheating again are very high.

So do you really want to be going through all of this again in the future, but then have to wrestle with the impact of divorce on a five year old child?

Your wife needs to do a lot more than end the affair and come back to you. Massive therapy is called for to help her deal with her self esteem issues and childhood abuse.

You can't fix that. You can only work on you and nothing more. I had to learn that the hard way. I tried going down your road. I had a fiance who was bipolar. I had a wife with childhood abuse issues and who also had big self esteem problems.

I have a history of being attracted to damsels in distress and a desire to show them how good they could be or should be treated. My first ex fiance is on her fourth marriage and has cheated on every one of her husbands. My exww still has big psych issues and I'm very glad she's someone else's problem now.

I'm very happy I no longer have her in my life. She would have sucked out my soul and destroyed me as a man because all these years later she hasn't changed. She has a great guy in her life right now and all the people I know who know them feel sorry for him and don't understand why he lets himself be used by her.

I'm happy I'm not that man anymore. What I'm saying to you is that the cross you have to bear with this woman is MASSIVE. This isn't a normal woman that got sucked into an affair she didn't expect because of a lack of maturity. There is much more at play with her than a lack of maturity or poor boundaries.

She has big time psych issues which will take years to resolve.

I'm all for trying to save your marriage after infidelity, but there's a difference between saving a marriage with someone who can change or who strayed from her values and doing so with someone who is fundamentally broken inside and needs massive help to get to a healthy place.

I'm giving you things to chew on as a man who has been in your shoes in very similar circumstances. RIF was as well. He was able to save things and make it work. I didn't. Both inputs are valid for their own reasons and both situations are worth digesting and thinking about.

My ultimate point to you is that you deserve better. You have no children and have a biblically acceptable reason to divorce. Given your age and what you have to offer someone, I don't think anyone could blame you or look down on you for walking away from this marriage.

You deserve much more than this. If your wife has a miraculous transformation, then great. I just haven't seen it happen often.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Her family won't speak to me. I don't know what she told them, but apparently her mother is concerned for her safety. That coupled with the "you're scaring me, I don't want to see you" have me baffled.

Expect her family to stick by her. Again, I'm not going to sugarcoat anything. You wouldn't be the first man on this board to have false charges of abuse dropped on him. You don't have to look far on here to find men who are stuck with restraining orders or false accusations. PSUB is one example. I had similar allegations against me.

Document everything. Say nothing that can be interpretted as threatening. Be calm at all times. Express your concerns about false allegations to your chain of command.

You have a career to protect as well.

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but there's a difference between saving a marriage with someone who can change or who strayed from her values and doing so with someone who is fundamentally broken inside and needs massive help to get to a healthy place.


Please excuse the TJ Gurka...

Hi HTLD,

I respect your input here and yes, it is important for Gurka to understand the "other" options open to him. Having said that, Gurka has decided to work on saving his M. I respect that just as I would respect his decision to divorce his wife and walk away.

I took my marriage vows seriously. For Better or Worse is so easy to say, but what does it really mean?

For me, it meant that even though my wife was "fundamentally broken inside" and "needed massive help to get to a healthy place", that I my vow to her was to just that. This was definitely a "worse" time in our very young marriage.

I don't look down on anyone that decided to not work through their WS's adultery and divorce, and I'm not saying that anyone that divorces doesn't take their vows just as seriously as I do... I'm just trying to point out the fact that we should respect Gurka's desicion to work on his M and offer him positive ways to do so. Continued statements of how "bad" is situation is aren't helping him.

As for "success" stories here, there are many. I've been on here since 2002 and there are MANY recovered marriages. You don't see many of them because at some point, they have rebuilt their marriage and no longer need or want to post here.

I normally don't post here unless I'm deployed. Mrs. RIF and I are blessed and we continue to work on our M, even while I'm over here. I post here in order to help others that are hurting and to offer proof that it IS possible to rebuild...

I will be the first one to tell a new member that this will be THE hardest thing that they will ever take on... and I will let them know that there are no short cuts. I don't sugar coat things, but I do hope that in some small way that my posts can provide a glimmer of hope for a hurting BS.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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