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helpthelostdads,

You said
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I've been on this board for nearly four years. I have seen many more marriages fail from infidelity than succeed, especially when a WW is involved. Seems like the WHs have a slightly higher chance of coming to their senses, but I have very very rarely seen it in the WW's.


Interesting comment coming from someone who spent a long time on this board focused on himself.

I have been on this site since Feb 99 and registered Aug 99. That is working out to close to 11 years and I have seen absolute miracles worked on this site. I have seen ordinary couples with many problems NOT JUST AFFAIRs rebuild their marriages and I have some situations that were just horrible make it.

I have no idea how Gerka's situation will turn out, but I am confident that he will come out of this a better man and a better husband to some women whether it is his current W or another. However, one only learns by doing and the plan and process that Gerka is in right now, will serve HIM well no matter what happens with his W.

Not all marriage can be saved, but I can say with certitude that Gerka will be helped and he won't regret trying to save his marriage.

JL

PS: I don't know if Gerka does but I find your assumption that Gerka is stupid enough to have not considered that this won't work out offensive. He KNOWS how things can turn out badly he is in a combat zone for God's sake. You make you statement now let the man get on with his plan.

Last edited by Just Learning; 04/23/10 12:32 PM.
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I am right there with you helpthelostdads!

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I'm pretty sure I know who HLD is.

HLD- the sloppy seconds comment you made was uncalled for and more than that-cruel.

You can get your point across without being cruel- and it has nothing to do with not "sugar coating" the truth.

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Gerka, friends provide invaluable input. What do people who know both of you tell you? What does your family think?


I think the most valuable input for someone WHO WANTS TO SAVE HIS MARRIAGE, comes from people who have saved theirs.


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Well, this isn't the reply from WW I was expecting:
You are insane to think that we are even on speaking terms after what you did to me. Fortunately, I think most other officers think it is pretty despicable for an officer to use the army to try to arbitrate their personal problems, especially when that includes accusing another officer of completely unfounded criminal charges. The next time you speak to me you should plan for there to be a lawyer or a judge present.

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Honestly it makes my blood boil for her to say "completely unfounded criminal charges" when she told me herself exactly what she was doing. She knows they're very well founded.

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PS: I don't know if Gerka does but I find your assumption that Gerka is stupid enough to have not considered that this won't work out offensive. He KNOWS how things can turn out badly he is in a combat zone for God's sake. You make you statement now let the man get on with his plan.


I agree 100%.

HTLD is like a broken record. In fact his first two posts on this thread were EXACTLY word for word the same.

HTLD,

Gerka heard what you said, and has rejected it.

He WANTS to try to save his marriage.


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I honestly don't know how to respond to that email? Thoughts? Ideas?

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She wasn't writing it for you.

Now you know they are going to deny the A.

Which is why I still think it was OM who wrote you that e-mail. He wanted you to say what you did wrong in the M so he could use that as his defense. To say, Look, he even admits what was wrong w/ their M...it had nothing to do w/ me.

Just sit on that e-mail for a bit...let others offer up suggestions.

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I'm not sure how to respond. She doesn't really know at this point how much proof you do have does she?? I wouldn't show my cards at this point.

As far as other officers being po'd about you using the military system to fix your personal problems??? I would think they would be more upset over two officers who know better screwing around on their spouses. That just screams ethical doesn't it?

Others will weigh in here on how to answer. Perhaps maybe a little. "As I said before I love you and I will do anything necessary to save my marriage" But let some of the vets say for sure what you should say.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
I honestly don't know how to respond to that email? Thoughts? Ideas?

First of all, I'm confused why the army has policies on the subject of adultery if it's despicable to ask the army to act on it and if that subject is really just "personal problems." If most officers really felt that way, it seems like this policy wouldn't exist.

DON'T put that in your response; I'm just giving you some first thoughts for you to think about because I know your reaction feelings to that comment are probably strong.

Fighting for your marriage is not despicable, Gerk. What is despicable is not keeping your vows to your one and only.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Yeah, I'm waiting for some of the old timers to offer some sage advice. I just wish the "give up and leave the sloppy seconds" guy would get the [censored] out of the thread, and everyone else would quit arguing with him.

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I understand and I'm sorry.

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Hey Gurka,

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You are insane to think that we are even on speaking terms after what you did to me.


Hmmm... she's speaking to you by replying to your e-mail, right? hurray


Quote
Fortunately, I think most other officers think it is pretty despicable for an officer to use the army to try to arbitrate their personal problems, especially when that includes accusing another officer of
completely unfounded criminal charges .

Hmmm... Seems like you've been discussing this with several former/retired officers and THEY all think that it's pretty dispicable for a married 2LT to have an A with another "officer" when her husband is deployed to a combat zone... Oh, and last time I checked, her commander and OM's commander are both officers... think

What's really interesting is her use of the term "criminal charges"... I think you just found your proof that the investigations are on-going and your W has already been questioned! grin

I wonder who "most other officers" are??? Would that be OM? and maybe OM's buddies that are now being hauled into an office to fill out sworn statements??? rotflmao

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The next time you speak to me you should plan for there to be a lawyer or a judge present.


You really should start keeping count of how many times she throws out the "lawyer/judge" thing at you... it could be very entertaining! Seriously, I think she's just blowing smoke at you because she's scared and realizes just how much trouble shes in (oh and how much trouble the OM in as well!)

Gee, bet this will put a huge crimp on their little A, huh?

Gurka - You are in a very good place right now! Keep your focus and don't let these e-mails get to you. You knew they were coming and you pretty much knew what to expect! There will be more... so be ready.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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If nothing else she's confirmed her intent to try to to lie her way through everything.

So this is something I should reply to at all? I sent her a teddy bear from Bagram on April 4th and I'm wondering if she got it, would it be a bad time to ask?

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also "after what you did to me." Makes me feel like my head might explode. Seriously? After what I did to her? How [censored] selfish can you be? Everything that's happened has been a direct result of her actions.

I may lose my mind if she actually manages to lie her way out of any consequences.

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Originally Posted by helpthelostdads
I'm sorry to be the Debbie Downer of this thread, but everything Gerk has posted about his marriage and his wife indicates that this is a woman that has big issues that aren't going to change once NC is established.

If OM disappears forever, you're still left with a woman that has massive, unresolved psych issues, huge self esteem problems, a craving for male attention, immaturity, unrealistic expectations of marriage, a broken career, and then the sloppy seconds of another man.

Women that needy have massive issues.

This is out of line and contrary to what is trying to be accomplished, here. First of all, if/when Gerka succeeds in bringing his wife back to the marriage, they will need to do the work of recovering the marriage. No marriage = no wife with 'childhood issues' to resolve.

If, indeed, this woman has been damaged from childhood abuse, needs a man in her life, and anything else you threw into the 'damaged psyche' pot, it needs to be explored as a separate issue from the marriage. And the chance is very, very good that, once they have begun inititating MB principles to restore their M, many of these supposed issues will resolve themselves or diminish to a point of manageability.

Your post is akin to saying that adult survivors of abuse will become abusers themselves. As an adult survivor, I can tell you that this is a huge, HUGE over-generalization and is distracting, disengenuous, and dangerous.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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All the replies from your WW, normal and expected.

Don't get rattled.

I'd wait to send a reply, then maybe talk about the NHL playoffs, not if she hates hockey though! Maybe mention the lobster and steak.

Ignore her rants. Waywards lie too, a lot, take her info at face value right now.


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Grrr, I can just feel myself getting angrier and angrier (not just about people continuing to argue with helpthelostdads in my thread.)

"after what you did to me." How can anyone be so blindly selfish? I feel myself shutting down and just going back to the "I don't deserve this, I just don't," stage.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Well, this isn't the reply from WW I was expecting:
You are insane to think that we are even on speaking terms after what you did to me. Fortunately, I think most other officers think it is pretty despicable for an officer to use the army to try to arbitrate their personal problems, especially when that includes accusing another officer of completely unfounded criminal charges. The next time you speak to me you should plan for there to be a lawyer or a judge present.

See I wasn't too far off when I predicted:

Quote
Just so you are prepared, here will be her response:

"If you cared about me you would have never betrayed me by telling my CO. I'm never telling you anything again. You'll just use it against me. I hope you choked on your steak and lobster. Just sign the divorce papers I sent you."

Don't respond at all to this. Just send her another email in a couple days similar to the one you sent today.

And just ignore papaof...er...helpthelostdads. His WW has made him very cynical.

Oh, and get to bed already!


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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