Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 27 of 91 1 2 25 26 27 28 29 90 91
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Quote
She's found this thread.


???????

I don't think she's found this thread. Even if she has found it, there's nothing that she would be able to use in her defense. Think about it... how's it going to sound if she brings up a bunch of printouts from a MARRIAGE BUILDERs discussion forum that deals with infdelity?

The investigating officer would want to see actul printouts from this thread and he would quicky see that Gurka is trying to SAVE the M, not 'play' games as Mrs. Gurka is suggesting.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
I wasn't concerned w/ the investigation. I agree w/ what you said.

My concern is that if she is reading here, our advice to Gerk on how to save his marriage will not be effective.

That's why I suggested that maybe he ought to seek private advice from you.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
From my limited experience here, young, immature WW's that find their BH's thread just can't refrain from posting to it. One in particular that sticks in my memory is Dogfood. His WW and her friend had to post to it. The feel a need to defend themselves and tell us MBers that "our plan won't work," and educate us on how "messed up" we are. I don't think she's found this thread, but I do believe she thinks he is implementing some "plan." I could be wrong.

In any case my advice to Gerka is to limit his communication to once every ~3-4 days, and keep it small and conversational. I want her to expect Gerka to email at certain intervals so that it's something she can expect (and hopefully in the future look forward to), but not be enough that it becomes a love-busting "annoying behavior." Just let her know you haven't forgotten about her, so if she does go into NC w/ OM, you are there to meet her needs. Avoid responding to any complaint, accusation, etc. Only respond to her if she shows a glimpse of her non-wayward self. Remember, plan A your wife, and plan B your WW. Avoid getting provoked by your WS and love busting. This is a tricky dance, and you need to get the steps right, but I think you have a chance at pulling it off. Just be patient. You can do this.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
Typically, WS believe that a BS's exposure was for revenge. To punish them.

She seems to understand that Gerk has a plan to win her back. "Your little plan didn't work" "so good luck with all your scheming and planning"

That to me seems very unusual.

It is also striking that after it was just pointed out that she did not tell him to stop writing her she does just that.

After it was just pointed out that she hasn't blocked him from her email, she threatens to.

I could be wrong. I hope I am.




Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
Quote
From my limited experience here, young, immature WW's that find their BH's thread just can't refrain from posting to it.


But what if she is afraid what she posts may be used against her?

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Originally Posted by Marshmallow
Quote
From my limited experience here, young, immature WW's that find their BH's thread just can't refrain from posting to it.


But what if she is afraid what she posts may be used against her?

She keeps sending nasty emails to Gerka. As long as she does not admit to adultery, I don't think she thinks she can be touched.

I think she would also reference that she found his little thread on MB and rip his plan apart, using exact verbiage from some of the things we have said.

Last edited by jmwc95; 04/25/10 09:57 PM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
I still can't get passed her understanding Jeff has a plan to win her back.

Most of the time BS have to keep repeating themselves over and over again that exposure was to save the M.

But, you make good points, Jim, as always.


Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
I think she was talking about my "little plan" to expose the affair to everyone, including her CoC. I think she's way too into herself, what a victim she is, and how angry and hurt she is to even consider reading the mariage builder's forum.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
So you guys are saying that every 4 days I should continue to send a light, conversational email?

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
Gerka,

Heck ya!!! You wouldn't want to send that information to someone who cared would you? laugh You know I am kidding. But, really she may block your email, but frankly I would guess it will be unblocked as soon as the hammer starts to fall.

JL

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Quote
So you guys are saying that every 4 days I should continue to send a light, conversational email?


Sounds like a good plan... but be prepared for her to "block" you.

I agree with JL, that once the investigation is over and punishment is handed out, that she will most likely 'un-block' you because she will start pushing the Divorce papers stuff again... otherwise, how is she going to see how "effective" her efforts to hurt you are doing?

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Thinking I should just hold off until I get her package with t-shirts and divorce papers. At that point I can thank her for the t-shirts and let her know that I won't be making any life-altering decisions until I return from Afghanistan.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Also, whoever recommended the Jaron song "Praying for you" is a genius. Great song. I'm not the praying type, but it still makes me smile a little.

Also the Jack Ingram song "A little bit."

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Quote
Thinking I should just hold off until I get her package with t-shirts and divorce papers. At that point I can thank her for the t-shirts and let her know that I won't be making any life-altering decisions until I return from Afghanistan.


It used to take about 10-14 days to get a package from TX to Afghanistan... so it's probably about the same time from Arizona. I'd expect an e-mail from her around 10-14 days after she mailed the package... She's going to want to know if you got the D-papers.

...So I think that waiting is a good plan... that way SHE is the one thinking about how 'perfect' everything will be once you sign the D-paperwork.

Good answer on not making any "life altering" decisions... you're not using the D-word, and you're not trying to "talk her out of it" either. Just a clear statement of fact on your intentions.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
That's fine, but I want you to know that she was never going to block your email. She was going to say she blocked it, but she wasn't going to ever do it. Then at some point you would have found out she wasn't blocking at when she decided to lash out at you after one. Again, she's going to say anything she possibly can to hurt and demoralize you right now for interfering with her affair. Like the dog thing. In the heat of the moment, she said she was going to take the dog. Then when you forwarded the pictures, she forgot she said that and just called it "your dog." She had no intention of taking the dog. She was just trying to hurt you.

I also think that she probably can't wait to read your email and respond to it in a hurtful way. It seems like she's caught up in the drama.

Last edited by jmwc95; 04/26/10 06:36 AM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 843
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 843
I would not tell her that you got the papers, I would not mention them at all, unless its an acknowledgment that you received them. When she asks you if you will sign them, tell her you are thinking about it. And just never bring it up in conversation again. This way she keeps in contact with you. And doesn't shut you off thinking that you will wait until you get home.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Yeah, I know she wasn't ever really going to block my emails. If only for the fact that she thinks there are "important things" that may need to be sent.

Like I said, I'll wait for the package to get here before I write her again, with a sincere apology for the shirts (you military types know the value of underarmour heat gear t-shirts.)

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Well, it would figure that the fasting [censored] mail I ever get in Afghanistan are my divorce papers and some t-shirts. Sent April 19th, arrived April 26th.

The papers seem legit. Front page is a waver of my rights under SCRA. Time filed is 1:01pm, which would actually be just before OMW was notified of the affair.

She didn't even put the right address on my information. And according to how she filled it out, she wants to KEEP my name.

Also, I'm no lawyer, but it's clear that she's already violated the preliminary injunction issued by the court. It says on the first page of the injunction that you will not remove or cause to be removed the other party from any existing insurance coverage, including automobile coverage.

I guess I'll be going to see the SJA tomorrow.

Comments, ideas, suggestions at this point?

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
Gerka,

When was your marriage good and when was she faithful? How were things just before you deployed?

My concern with your situation is your history. There has been a lot of separation, infidelity from the start, and not a whole lot there to build on in terms of good history.

The nature of the beast with a deployment is that you're gone so "out of sight out of mind."

When do you rotate home so you can Plan A in person?

I know you haven't been thrilled with my advice. Doesn't mean I don't want what is best for you.


Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Hey Gurka,

I don't have any experience with D-papers... but I would stick with the plan and thank her for the t-shirts and not even mention the D-papers.

Let her come back to you and ask you if you got them... once she asks, you could say something along the lines of:

"Oh, yes, I got them, but I'm not making any important decisions until I return home from Afghanistan. Love you - Gurka"


Semper Fi,

RIF

Page 27 of 91 1 2 25 26 27 28 29 90 91

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 144 guests, and 51 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,807
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5