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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
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Posts: 249
Me WW 31
Him BH 26
DDay 10/08 (NC since 07/08) and 09/09 (NC since 09/09)
(two ONS)
DD11
DD8
DS3

Me-working the rules, basic concepts and trying to get him to fill out ENQ
Him-withdrawn (read:still hurt and angry)

Just need someone to talk to...

Margie

Last edited by MargieLoll; 05/03/10 10:46 AM.

Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
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Posts: 2,617
Welcome, this is a good place for you to be.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Posts: 249
Thank you, stillhere


Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
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Why don't you fill everyone in on your background story so people can better help you. How did you get yourself in this situation?

Also, one of my pet peeves (not saying you are making me angry) is WSs who categorize their affairs as ONSs when in actuality, they were longer term EAs that progressed physical only once. The issue was all the flirting and boundary issues, not just the fact that it progressed to sex.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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What happened to your other thread? Maybe you can link the two so you're not having to repost all the same information and advice you've already gotten.


Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
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And hopefully you have changed that WW status to FWW. It seems as if you have.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
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Posts: 249
The first was a guy I was in the Army with. He liked me for a long time but I was not attracted to him in any way. We really were just friends. He moved in with me and BH in the summer of 08 for a few months. A couple of nights before he moved out he, BH and I were up late drinking (heavily). BH went to bed. I blacked out except for a few parts of the evening that made me think we had sex. I don't remember sex at all. The next day when I talked to the guy he made it very clear that we had sex. He moved out a day or two later. NC since then. I kept it from BH for months. He found out when I was IMing a friend online and i alluded to the affair.

In 09/09 I asked my BH to move out. We were having a lot of trouble in the relationship and I didn't feel like I loved him anymore. He moved out. I went to a BBQ at a friend's house and met a guy there (friend of a friend of a friend). Had ONS. Text messaged for a few days, NC since then. Admitted it to BH a couple of weeks later.

I'm sorry for those of you who read most of my story when I posted last week. Just felt like I needed more advice.

I have since dropped out of school, do not go anywhere, don't talk to anyone on the phone unless BH is right there, he has full access to phone, computer, emails etc but he doesn't want to look. He's still hurt and kind of doesn't care right now.

I'll answer any questions anyone has in order to get help. Thank you all.


Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
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I couldn't find it NP. Sorry for the repeat info.


Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738
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Originally Posted by MargieLoll
I have since dropped out of school, do not go anywhere, don't talk to anyone on the phone unless BH is right there, he has full access to phone, computer, emails etc but he doesn't want to look. He's still hurt and kind of doesn't care right now.

Woah ML.....I don't know if this is the right approach to take!! You also need to have a network other than your BH (a solid network, not an enabling one). For your children don't stop the rest of your life! (you DO have kids right? Thought I read that).

I think I also read in your other post that his detachment could be an indication of his wayward-ness as well? Do you think that could be it?





Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
I have put the idea that he could be wayward out of my mind. He is so against affairs and hurt by what I've done that it's all but impossible. Since I have known him, his take has always been that he doesn't understand why people cheat and that he would rather "break up" with someone before starting another relationship. I really don't think an A is hiding behind his withdraw.

The thing is that any friends I have had I have bad-mouthed to about him. I can't be trusted, period and I am ready to admit that.

Yes I have 3 kids.

And HUGS on your situation. I've been reading your thread and am just at a loss for words on what you are going through.


Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,643
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Posts: 6,643
Hi Margie,

MB is the place to be in your are looking to change your ways.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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I definitely am and have changed my ways, QA. I don't want to lose my M or my H. I have no urge to go elsewhere for attention. I just want to make sure I'm doing everything right by him.


Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
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M
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
Question: What are the best ways to spend UA time, cheap and with kids running around? Worst part is DD11 and DD8 are leaving in a month to be with their dad for the summer so I'm going to have DS3 (4 by then) all summer and no real options for a sitter.

Thanks


Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
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Margie,

You can find your earlier post but simply clicking on your name and then click on view posts.

I'll do it for you and move up your first thread. It is often better to keep everything on one thread so that folks can catch up and see what has been happening and what you and others have said.

JL

Joined: Jul 2008
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ML,

Interestingly you are 5 years older than him, I think men sometimes pick women older than themselves because they feel safer that way.

Understand that a man feels that he loses his chance to have sex with other women when he gets married, and that sacrifice is the price he pays for stability. One of the things I regret is the 20 years I have remained loyal to my wife after her affair, and the fact that whatever opportunities I might have had are lost for good. I feel it has invalidated my fidelity.

Gamma

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Are you recovering, Gamma? Because why WOULDN'T you stay loyal to your wife, even after her affair, if you are recovering the marriage? I am a little surprised you regret your fidelity...


Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
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NP,

Very broadly men regret their fidelity, women regret their infidelity. Perhaps in both cases the genders are operating against their more programmed instincts.

Not sure if I am recovering, she is still closed up like a clam, but much better after finding this website.

Gamma

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
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Originally Posted by MargieLoll
Question: What are the best ways to spend UA time, cheap and with kids running around? Worst part is DD11 and DD8 are leaving in a month to be with their dad for the summer so I'm going to have DS3 (4 by then) all summer and no real options for a sitter.

Thanks


DH and I have a 5 month old DD. We squeeze in time any way we can. Shower together in the morning, do chores together, after the kid is asleep we spend a minimum of 1.5 hours together before bed. I know couples that would drive around til the baby was asleep and talk, or let the kid sleep in the car while they took in a movie at the drive in (you can do those two while the older kids are away).

Do you know any other couples with young children? Many of the families at my church will pair up and do babysitting exchanges. One couple watches the kids while the other goes out for a night, the other couple does the same the next week. Free babysitting!

The other kids being away will make things much easier, IMHO. Put the kid in a stroller and go for a walk together.

One thing that will have to be diminished is alone time. You gotta give that up for time together but it is WORTH it.


Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
HIYA!
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Thanks V I have alone time all day long, just about. Well me and DS3. BH will be in school all summer too. He will have 3 wks or so with nothing going on between semesters in about 2 wks.

I don't care about having alone time at all. Just want UA time with BH without fighting, LB and the like.


Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738
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Have you tried neighbours for babysitting options? The first two years of DD's life for us was spent with no options for a sitter because we didn't really look that hard to find neighbours daughter's, etc. I think that has been a huge downfall in our marriage as well - we never really took the time to do much together. Even once a week or every two weeks can make a big difference!

Once your son is in bed, perhaps you could take time to have a drink, sit out on the deck, chat, that kind of thing? It doesn't have to be huge events all the time! smile


Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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