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Yeah, I've been told that it establishes a pattern of support.

Also financial security is her dead last emotional need (mine too.) We make the same amount of money.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Originally Posted by Marshmallow
Respond by putting money in the account!

You are plan Aing her!!

Umm... does anyone else think this is a good idea? Should I continue to give her $1000 a month?

I might not just put in $1000 a month, but with her birthday coming up, I might just surprise her with a little spending cash. You want to meet her need for financial support without enabling her. Maybe in the near future if she starts talking to you again and you have verified NC with OM for say, two months, then I might start doing it again. I would possibly consult your JAG officer to see if that money can be recouped or deducted from a settlement in the future. If it can, sure, give her the money in the near future.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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I already sent a ~$200 birthday present...

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Quote
Also financial security is her dead last emotional need (mine too.) We make the same amount of money.


Often people will say this is their last EN when it is being met! But, take their job away and watch how quickly this EN will move to the top of their list.

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You want to meet her need for financial support without enabling her. Maybe in the near future if she starts talking to you again and you have verified NC with OM for say, two months, then I might start doing it again.


She was using the money to pay off her CC, she was not using it on the A.

Plan B is about letting her get a taste of what life w/o Gerk is like. She's getting a taste of it in Plan A.


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Right. If she actually gets booted out of the Army I'd have no problem supporting her financially (and would be legally obligated to since we're married.)

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Oh, and I've also bought a laptop for her sister as a wedding present (she's getting married late in May.)

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It's up to you, Gerk, but right now you're only TRYING to meet a couple of her ENs. If you put money in her account, you'd know you WERE meeting at least one EN.

I think you're blowing a chance to actually score points w/ her. She mentioned the money b/c in her eyes, she isn't worth the financial effort to you.

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She told me to stop putting money in her account though...

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I agree that she should have had financial support higher on her EN list. You take it for granted until the money stops flowing in. Depositing $1000/month is meeting a need. The question is at what price. I would consult a few more opinions on this matter. Maybe you could post another thread about the subject and poll the veterans. I would consult with the JAG officer to understand the PROBABLE financial impact of continuing to support her. In the end it's up to you about what you are comfortable with. I agree with Marsh, the email was a veiled reference to a need she would still like you to meet. That is why I asked you what she was referring to when she talked about the money. I think you sending her the money is showing your continued to commitment to the marriage and her continuing to accept the money may show that she may still be willing for you to meet some needs. Or she could just be using you. However, I think the subject is definitely worth exploring.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
She told me to stop putting money in her account though...

But when you put more in it, she spent it, right?

She also told you never to communicate to her again and she would do the same.

Listen, I am going to get a couple more vets to come to your thread and weigh in with some opinions to help you out.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
She told me to stop putting money in her account though...

And she also agreed not to fly out to say good bye to you... and we know how that went.

Your W is like many women. They want you to know that when they say, "Fine!" they don't mean everything is fine. They want you to read their minds. Pick up on their hints.

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The bat signal has been launched. Hopefully some more vets (who have recovered the marriage, not the CH, HTLD types) can help you sort through all of this. I know it can all be quite confusing, but some of these posters are really good at picking up on these types of things, schoolbus especially.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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IMO, if you continue sending the money it sends a signal that you are still committed to your M. If you stop it sends another signal - that you are coming around to her idea of D.

Continue Plan A and continue acting like a man who is married. That would include sending the money.

Just my thoughts.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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She's asking you why you chose to believe she DOESN'T mean it when she tells you she doesn't want to hear from you again, but DO believe her when she told you she didn't need your FS?

I'd say, "Good point, baby, here's some money."

Be consistent. Don't believe her on both accounts.


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Hey Gurka - I say keep sending her the $1,000.00... You're making all that extra tax-free money while you're deployed! grin

No matter what she says, it will still be a LB deposit! (literally!)

Semper Fi,

RIF

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
My friends seem to think that by sending these little positive emails that my wife will just get angrier and angrier and feel like I'm ignoring "the issues." And that she won't "miss me" if I stay in contact.

That is what plan A is for. It's to act in the best possible way for about 3 months, and THEN when you go to plan B, she will miss you. You set 'em up in plan A, and knock 'em down in plan B.

Besides, "the issues" were her fooling around w/ OM. Hopefully that is not "the issue" anymore.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Alright, I'll deposit the money.

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Good job!!


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Oh, and I wouldn't literally say, "Good point, baby, here's some money."

Your deposit says everything you need to say.

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