Yup, at least what I know about...? Nothing there, nothing in the trash, nothing on Facebook messages...

How did that work out for you?

What did you learn?

Did you you hide your relationship with BH/WH/OM1 from you first husband before you where divorced?

Has your first husband ever considered your relationship with BH/WH/OM1 to be Adoultirouse?

I am asking these questions for a reason.

Well it didn't work out. I wanted him back. Obviously.

I learned that I love my husband and I want to be in this marriage but I want it to be a good marriage also.

My XH knew about BH/WH while we were dating, before the divorce. They had met each other when XH came to get my daughters for the summer. He (XH) brought his GF at the time with him. XH never considered me and BH/WH an adulterous relationship. He had his own relationship(s) going on.

If you are asking for a certain reason, I'm trying to answer as honestly as possible. I'd like to know and get whatever help I can.

God I want to expose BH/WH... I KNOW I don't have enough to go on, but at the same time, it's enough for me, ya know?

Thank you for still helping.

I feel a bit more reserved now, knowing your history that I didn't this morning. Guess that goes to show me I shouldn't trust and assume.

Given just the few comments seen here, Margie, I think you already know that an affairage is a bit of a big deal. Please add something accordingly to your sig line.

That doesn't change the fact that you are now a BS, but it does change the dynamics of the relationship anyone would be advising you to fix.

I don't have any other advice right at the moment other than what was already said: counsel w/ the Harleys. I am not judging you (check my sig) or saying this is hopeless or anything else - just that I need a bit of time to figure out if I have any other worthwhile advice.

Margie I'm sorry you are going through all of this. Just wanted to say something.



MANY people, especially in our generation DO NOT respect the institution of Marriage. We've bought into the Cult of True Love and Soulmates. Everything at the expense of finding 'The One'.

However, marriage is an important institution and it's degradation is only serving to destroy the glue that holds our society together.

You are living the consequences of the degeneration of the institution of marriage, and your children are paying the consequences.

It doesn't matter that your ex had his own girlfriends. It doesn't matter that he didn't see your relationship as adultery. It is, plain and simple. It doesn't matter that he shared your equally skewed vision of marriage and relationships. His wrongs doesn't make your wrongs right.

You are now reaping the benefits of your lack of boundaries and respect for marriage, both by your own actions and the actions of the person you chose to have your affair with. No matter how great a person, he has the same disrespect for marriage.

Marriage only works if you value and respect it. If you MEAN the commitment to BETTER AND WORSE. It means you FORSAKE all others until the DAY marriage is dissolved (and people even recommend up to 2 years after the marriage is over).

You are learning the hard way that Marriage needs to be respected. Whether you like it or not, your marriage was based in an affair and as such it's foundation was shoddy and now your house is crumbling down around you from the actions of both YOU and your HUSBAND.

Can this be saved? There is a very small chance. Should it be saved? Yes, if only for the sake of the innocent children you've brought into this mess.

However it will be hard because the basic premise on which you and your husband, both, operate in this relationship is flawed. You don't commit to marriage only when it's easy and when it's not working out you ask for a separation and go find someone else. If you are looking outside your marriage, end it.

You may make the changes in your thinking and your behavior that will save your marriage, he may not - only time will tell.

People complain that they don't want to stay in an unhappy marriage. Don't. You have the tools now to build a happy one.

Thank you both. I am taking everything in and into account.

I am four years out from D-Day, so I know the chronology is a little different, and no, I don't have any experience in the affairage stuff. But I want to ask you a few questions:

Do you love your H?

Have you truly repented of you waywardness?

Are you married to your H?

Is it a legal marriage?

If you answered yes to all of these questions, then my advice is to make sure you have learned what you can learn from the unchangeable past and focus on saving your marriage of the present. Keep making amends as a FWW, but also do not be afraid to use the tools of the BS.

Margie,

I am too lazy to try and catch up with everything, but as I understand it your H has had an A as well.

You have also heard from those that don't think much of an affairage, as it is called. I don't either because as someone stated it shows a distinct lack of appreciation of the basis of a marriage and the vows we take.

Harley points out that many affairage's don't work because the people in them were running from something else and bring a lot of baggage into the affairage with the result that mistakes are repeated.

So let me lecture you for a moment. You now have both broken your vows to one another. You have both demonstrated...yet again, that you don't have boundaries nor a deep appreciation for institution called marriage. So what has changed?

I ask you this because until you and your H actually learn about marriage, what it means, what honor means and what it means to maintain your vows, there will be no successful outcome for this marriage. First and foremost you two need to really sit down and ask "What does marriage mean to us? Are we willing to honor our vows? Are we willing to learn to the tools (MB as an example) and then the moral depth it requires to make a successful marriage?

If the answers are no as stated in word and confirmed by deed, then stop now and end this farce. If the answers are yes by both of you, if you both are willing to work, folks here will help you, the MB people will help you.

It really is your call. You did it first, he did it second, and you both did it to others as well as each other. When does this sort of thinking stop?

Think about it.

JL

Hi Margie,

Please listen to JL who just posted, as in imho he has said it best. I am Not one to condemn an affairage or refuse to talk to someone involved in one, but neither am I one who respects anyone who dissrrespects the sacred instiution of marriage. Vibrissa said that also to you. I have been married now to the same woman for 41+ years!

You need to sit down like tonight or ASAP with your husband and you guys need to 'grow up' and talk sincerely about how you each value marriage and how you value Your marriage. Neither of you have been doing that. Margie, I don't care if it takes 5 or 8 hours of continueous discussion but you need to do this now and hash it out, because it is so evident neither of you have done this before. You are just so dancing around the real issues with your concern about his reaction stuff, about no SF, that separate thread of your's, and now with all your concern about the technical stuff regarding your exposure of his affair that you are lost in the forest.

To be quite honest, it is sounding to me like this is being made up, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt. Answer one question Margie, if you love this man and you have been married for 6 years, and if you respect the institution of marriage, why are you guys unable to converse, communicate and be honest?

All I can say is that as a mom Margie, if you do not try to come to grips with Your values, Your behavior, and Your marriage now, in about 10 years the impact on your three kids is going to hit you right in your face hard. You have the opportunity now with all of the advice and principles here, so don't neglect that and wake up some day ten years from now and bemoan the fact that you wish you had.

Good Luck,

Tom

The time is NOW...I consider myself still married....My WH moved out two years ago, still seeing OW. I have not even considered dating yet...I will consider it once I have those divorce papers in my hands. Some people may think I am foolish for doing this...I call it respecting my M vows. Why would I stoop to WH level. I am listening to my heart and it is not ready yet, its getting there, but I am not ready to give up on my M quite yet.

I am on this website and I have learned how to build a healthy relationship, with BOUNDARIES. With or without my WH, hopefully someday I will be able to have one. When I am ready on the inside to move on, I will divorce my WH and date.

This is the respect that, if everyone had it, will help you to have a happy M. It is the respect I am giving to my M vows. It is the respect I am giving to WH and DS. It is also the respect I am giving to someone else I may date in the future.

The time for you is NOW. For you both to learn this respect. What is the point of M vows if they dont mean anything. Marriage takes work to be happy. If you both cannot honor your M vows, through thick and thin, then the M is doomed.

Do the work and Good Luck.

Yes to all 4.

I will.

What has changed is my way of thinking about marriage. And that I found this site.

For me the answers to your questions are yes but I don't know if he's ready to sit down and have that talk yet.

I totally understand what your guys are saying about respecting my vows, my marriage and my husband. I want to have this talk with him but I think if I do it now I'll just get it thrown in my face. If (since) he's having an A right now, isn't he in the fog of that, that's not going to let him really talk to me honestly about it.

I want my marriage, I have learned so much since I've been here on MB, I've been going to IC, I've been working on it honestly.

No, none of this was made up, I really wish it was! Thank you for the help you have given me.

Yes, Margie, you need to talk to your husband.

Okay, so you cheated. YOU are willing to make the changes necessary to fix your marriage. Now HE is cheating. Two wrongs don't make a right. Sit down and talk to him. Stop being afraid that he'll throw it in your face - just respond, "I am willing to do anything to fix our marriage NOW."

Thank you NP. As much as I want to confront him I do want to install a key logger and either prove or disprove everything.

I don't understand. If I haven't confronted or exposed him yet because of lack of evidence, am I in Plan A? Or just in limbo until I do confront and expose?

Are you following the Plan A steps? If so, then you're in Plan A. If not, then yes, you're just in limbo.

And expose BEFORE confronting.

I am following the Plan A steps so I guess that answers that.

Just to be clear, besides my kids, right now my marriage is the most important thing to me. For awhile, when H was moved out and I had my ONS, I didn't know if I wanted to be married and I didn't know if I loved him. I am so beyond sure now that I love him and that I am willing to work on our marriage as hard and for as long as it takes. I almost wish I could go back to the time when I didn't care because it was so easy-and selfish-then. But if it's going to help repair what is broken than the pain is worth it in the end. I see how our M started on sand and I understand that I didn't do my XH and our marriage justice. I was younger and ignorant. I thought I knew it all and I thought I could do whatever I wanted and get away with it. I'm paying for it now and I realize my mistakes so clearly... I don't know what else to say, I just feel like I had to get that out. I still feel like there's so much in me that I need to "get out". Thank you all who have helped. I understand those who just want to steer clear and it's my fault that I won't benefit from the advice of those people.

Please don't give up on me. This is the only place I have to go/people I have to talk to.

Margie, let me float an idea to you. I believe that having their parents in love in a healthy marriage is very important to children. So important, in fact, that I believe that prioritizing children before marriage is actually not in the children's best interest. By placing their mother FIRST in my life, and actively choosing her over them when necessary (such as when there is not enough time in a week for both, an unfortunate occurrence that is thankfully rare, and with better management becoming LESS rare), I believe that I am actually doing the most important thing I can do for my kids.

I have heard that before. I know that fixing, repairing and maintaining my marriage is more important for the children. Thank you for that. I do need to be reminded now and then that I need to take care of myself for the kids, too.

I'm installing a key logger as I type...

My stomach is in knots, thinking about what I might find and see and also thinking that he's going to find it.

He's gone all day until about 6pm and I'm just going to be freaking out until then. I don't know how I'm going to act normal when he gets here.

Am I doing the right thing? I feel like I'm going to pass out!

Any bit of support here would be appreciated.