Well. My WH detected the key logger on his comp. I denied, denied, denied (until one day I "ran amok," as someone put it, and confronted him with everything I had gotten from it). If he ever asks you - "wasn't me."

Be patient. It may take a couple days for anything to come up to give you more evidence.

And yes, you are doing the right thing. If he finds out and gets mad at you for snooping (AFTER you have your evidence), tell him, "Well, why did you make it necessary for me to snoop?"

Just breathe......
Then you need to start preparing yourself for what you may find and read. This is an uphill battle and it is a difficult battle.
Then you need to form a plan.

Thank you.

Now I'm having an issue with the logger. The E-mail part isn't working. The part where they email you the log? One of the most important parts! I'm getting in contact w/ customer service as we speak. It's just stressing the ---- outta me!!!

Sorry for venting.

Margie,

Calm down. Software installation is often a pain.

I want to offer you some further thoughts on marriage. The most important is to realize that when you say vows such as you will love one another through sickness and health, it does not mean you will "feel in-love" no one can promise that. What that vow means is that you will treat your spouse in a loving manner, no matter the situation. This is an ACTION not a feeling and therefore it is something you can control.

I feel you need to have a sit down with your H and plant a few seeds concerning your desires to be married and what marriage is starting to mean to you. You two need to define to each other what you need, want it means and what you are promising.

You should be in plan A right now. That means exposure, it also means you trying to meet his needs, and it means you are in a "giver" mentality. This last part is why Plan A is NOT a marriage strategy. For a good marriage you and your H's giver and taker should be balanced, not necessary equal, but balanced. Plan A does not acheive that because it is meant to address the affair and that is why there is a plan B as well.

Hang in there and continue to read and think. You two can make this work, but you both need to see the power of marriage. You are not unique in not seeing the power because many feel it is like living together or going steady. It is not and it is the depth of the vows that make this so.

All in all marriage vows say simply I will quit looking for better, I will enjoy what I have decided upon, and I will love this person for the rest of my life. Big stuff Margie, very big stuff.

Think about it.

God Bless,

JL

Wile technicaly this does not change the fact that you are in a affairiage..... Having a BS that does not feel Betrayed in any way changes my perceprion of your Affairage.

I will continue to try and help you.

How about in 20yrs?


What are you going to do next time you feel this way?

Who can say how they will feel in 20yrs? All I know is that I want my M to my H to come out on top after all of this crap. I know that I love him to death right now. I also know that I will not always feel this way. I don't know if it is the desperation of possibly losing him that is kicking me in the butt right now or what. I do know that I have to work hard to make this M work, and not just right now but for the rest of our lives. I really do know and understand this.

I am just in pieces right now...

I never want to feel this way again. Nor would I ever in my life want my H to ever feel like this again. I know what went on/what is going on is just wrong. I don't want to find someone else, I don't want to be with someone else, ever. I want THIS marriage with MY H.

That's just all...

I feel like I'm going to give you the "wrong" answer sometimes. I don't know what you're looking for so forgive me for the babbling. This is how I feel, though.

I never had to type/write/say it in so much detail before.

First of all, your right you don't know how you will feel in 20 years; but isn't that the point of marriage vows????? That we can trust that we will always come together and solve any problems or issues. So, IMHO - who cares and why are you worrying about how you may or may not feel in 20 years.

Second, there are no right or wrong answers - your feelings are just that - YOUR FEELINGS. No one can tell you how to feel. That is part of what this forum is for; for you to vent and express. Then you can get back to executing a great plan A. Because you will have to vent the feelings some where, maybe try a journal. That way you can look back and reflect on some of your feelings.

Gack asked.

Margie. I know what you mean about the "wrong answer" feeling. Especially back around D-day, and for many many months afterward, I could drive myself neurotic with that type of thinking.

The key to this (and to growing, overcoming your affair, earning your F, etc.) is to know yourself. Be humble, self-reflect, and strive to better yourself (= honesty, integrity, virtue, etc.).

The more you know yourself, the more confident you will be in your answers. The more humble you are, the more open you are to correction or seeing a different point of view if someone disagrees with your answers. The more you better yourself, the better decisions you will make and the better answers you will be able to give.

Don't be afraid of being wrong. Just work on being honest with yourself and in all you do. Dishonesty (aside from being plain ol' wrong) creates more and more injustice, hardship, stress, anxiety, confusion, depression... Nothing good comes of it.

This doesn't always come easy. I still have to make myself sit down and just think and self-reflect. But I know that if I am committed to being honest and humble (and vulnerable, because that's what this makes you in a sense), I won't go wrong.

what is F?

Former
as in FWW, Former Wayward Wife.

"F" = Former. As in, Former Wayward Spouse = FWS.

I don't know how others on here view the designation, but I think of it as something I have to continually earn/keep. It's not like once I "got" it I'm done, it's more that I have irrevocably put the wayward in my history - I just have to constantly work to keep it there, in the past, and only the "former" now.

Sorry, just now read that.
My opinion is that I should not have to worry about how WH feels in 20 years. That we made a vow and a commitment to each other and whatever has to be done to make that work - should be done. Again, JMHO

Ok, today I plan on sitting down and talking to H about our marriage. Not about any A, no confrontation, no exposure (no evidence). I just mean following the advice you guys have given and talking about our marriage.

What questions am I asking?

Are you willing to keep our marriage?
Do you want this marriage?
What are you willing to do to keep our marriage? (if anything)

What am I going to talk about?

I think the point that Gack was getting at was....in 5,10,20 yrs from now when you dont feel as gung ho about your M....are you gonna bail or cheat? Or are you gonna do everything you can to make the M a happy one?

Maybe also talk about the commitment you made to each other when you took your vows?

This is a good chance to practice that whole self-reflection thing.

What do you want? What does marriage mean to you? What are your boundaries (hard to come up with this early, but something to think about), what is your plan?

Answer some of this stuff, then start figuring out how you want the conversation to go tonight. Keep in mind that any talking you do is w/ a WS, so... yeah.

this isn't going to be LBing? Talking heavy about our relationship?

No, just no DJ's (disrespectful judgements).

I'm not positive he is W yet...

If he was totally W I would have proof and if I had proof, I would have confronted and exposed...

Since I don't have the proof I'm stuck being sweet and nice and pretending nothing is wrong, putting on a face, putting up a front...

Blah I'm so worn down by this, lack of sleep etc sorry for venting...