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Originally Posted by PieceMakers
Nor can I escape the fact that if she should be hurt, it would be our fault for throwing the gas on the fire. I'm not saying her husband shouldn't know, I'm just asking if there's a safer way to go about telling him.

There is nothing unsafe about telling him. There is something very UNSAFE in not telling him. He has to know so he can protect himself from your husband and his wife. To not tell him is cruel and manipulative. To allow him to come out tomorrow and be around your H, the enemy of his marriage, while he is ignorant of what has been done to him, is very cruel. And I assure you he will resent this when he finds out.

Just ask yourself if you would tell him if his bookkeeper was embezzling his money? You wouldn't give it a second thought, yet this adulterous affair is much more destructive than embezzlement.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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sounds like your buying into that big old lie about my spouse is a psycho killer....they are both telling you this to keep the A a secret and protect their awful behavior....her husband is not the psycho she is making him out to be....use your logic on this one and go with the truth and do the right thing here.

I can't imagine you helping now to cover up your H's A with this so called "friend of yours"....and then sitting there with them at your home....her H branding animals at your home thinking everything is just peachy fine....one day he will find out and imagine what he will think of YOU for covering up such a thing...let him have the chance like you have to stop his wife from ruining his marriage and family.

Please don't listen to your H or his A partner....do what Melody said...get on the phone right away and tell her H BEFORE he gets to your home....you know deep down inside it is the right thing to do....be strong....save your marriage and let him save his.

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You're right. It was the right thing to do.

The more I thought about it, the more I knew I couldn't look him in the eye today without his knowing what was going on.
However, I emailed his wife and said if she didn't tell him last night, I would tell him this morning.
She called. Told me she'd told him. Also told me she really didn't know what the big deal was.
I believe her, unfortunately. I think she has genuinely convinced herself that they weren't doing anything wrong.
That's the thing about an emotional affair, afterall--No sex, no affair.

I told her you don't keep secrets from your spouse. Or ask another to keep secrets from his. She said she just thought it was "private stuff."

But there's no way I'm going through the effort to get her to see that she's lying to herself. Especially since my husband DOES get it and is already doing the work with me.


Last edited by PieceMakers; 05/08/10 08:25 AM.

~Piece
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Originally Posted by PieceMakers
...I emailed his wife and said if she didn't tell him last night, I would tell him this morning.
She called. Told me she'd told him. ...
You're gonna take her word on that, eh?

Originally Posted by PieceMakers
...my husband DOES get it and is already doing the work with me.
I hope so. Good luck.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Originally Posted by PieceMakers
She called. Told me she'd told him. Also told me she really didn't know what the big deal was.

She is lying. You need to call him YOURSELF. THIS MORNING. This is why it is SOO important that the news come from someone other than the one who has the most to hide. Asking an adulterer to bust herself is an unrealistic expectation and rarely gets the job done. It usually results in just the opposite because the forewarning gives the adulterer a chance to spin the story about the "wacked out jealous spouse who believes that her H is having affairs with every woman." Then when you do call, the BH doesn't believe you because your credibilty has been destroyed.

If she did tell him anything, I assure you it was a highly spun story and part of the spin was about your "jealous imagination."

Last edited by MelodyLane; 05/08/10 08:49 AM.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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PM- Please re read what YOU wrote.

Quote
I have obvious trepidation about believing her completely

Quote
OW said in the break up email that she's afraid of what he'll do if he finds out. I honestly don't know if that means he *genuinely* would do anything violent or if she's just afraid he would

READ THOSE WORDS.

Now you have this
Quote
She called. Told me she'd told him.
Why do you believe her now?

Do you WANT to do this the MB way, because if you DON'T then I will move to another thread where someone else WILL listen to the advice given.



BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
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Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

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Also, if you have been painted as a jealous wackjob to the BH, then he will feel sorry for your H and his GF and instead of preventing their affair, will accommodate it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I know the advice you're getting is scary and feels counter-intuitive. But please, listen to what they're telling you. When I first got here nearly two years ago, Melody talked to me too about exposure. Looking back, I wish I had done it the way I had been told and in the timeframe that was recommended. I did do it eventually, but it probably would have gone much smoother if I had just listened.

If you really consider yourself his friend, then you'll tell him what you know yourself.


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His
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Originally Posted by GloveOil
Originally Posted by PieceMakers
...I emailed his wife and said if she didn't tell him last night, I would tell him this morning.
She called. Told me she'd told him. ...
You're gonna take her word on that, eh?

Originally Posted by PieceMakers
...my husband DOES get it and is already doing the work with me.
I hope so. Good luck.
PM, if your husband reads the story you just laid out, and he really "gets" it, then he'll make sure the job's done right, by calling the man himself. Because you just asked someone who's been worming her way into your husband's heart, to shift gears and suddenly act in the best interests of YOUR marriage, and for some reason that none of the rest of us can figure out, you're willing to accept HER word that she has acted in your interest, even though you yourself can see that she doesn't "get" it.

Early-on in my EA, before it had gone physical, my OW told me one day that her husband was wondering why she'd been spending so much time on the computer lately. She told him that she'd been in touch with her ex-fiance (which was true in a way, since she'd had a long-distance affair with that ex-fiance before she got into her affair with me). But the effect of that lil' half-truth/LIE of hers was to throw him off the trail of her then-developing affair with me. (For awhile, anyway.)

My point in relating this story is that people in a wayward mindset LIE and DISTORT in order to cover their tracks and throw their spouses off the trail of an emotional affair. My OW did it. I did it. If you had to bet your bottom dollar, do YOU really think this lady is giving her husband the straight story? C'mon, PM, you know better.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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I understand that you are extremely concerned about ruining your friendship with them. The problem is, IT'S ALREADY RUINED!!!!

It was ruined the moment your WH and this OW lied and kept secrets from you.

They are cheaters and they are liars and THEY ruined this friendship. Anything you do from here on out won't matter, people will be hurt and the friendship is over. Not because of you, but because of what THEY did!

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Originally Posted by SidneyT
I understand that you are extremely concerned about ruining your friendship with them. The problem is, IT'S ALREADY RUINED!!!!

Yes, the friendship is over. There should be no coming back from this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Quote
She called. Told me she'd told him. Also told me she really didn't know what the big deal was.
I believe her, unfortunately. I think she has genuinely convinced herself that they weren't doing anything wrong.
That's the thing about an emotional affair, afterall--No sex, no affair.
Well, her own words tell you what her version was to her BH ~ something along the lines that you are freaking out over nothing and it was "no big deal".

And please do not fall for her manipulation. Her attitude that she really didn't do anything wrong is a very typical OW manipulation. ALSO just FYI re your first post ~ it is also very very typical for these OW to have problems/drama that they use to get attention/sympathy. My H's OW had many health issues/supposedly an abusive fiance...I was shocked when I came here and saw that was a very common theme. My H was too. Do not feel sorry for her, do not concern yourselves in her problems anymore, period. Once your H has answered all your questions about the A, do not even talk about her anymore.

Furthermore, it is vital that the two of you "block" her & her H on FB and you may even need to defriend any mutual friends you have or there will be a possiblity of seeing pictures of her or news about her. You need to erase her from your lives or your H will not be able to get over his infatuation with her. I know it sounds over the top but please trust me.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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Quote
She called. Told me she'd told him.

Oh, honey - you don't really believe that she told her BH ANYTHING, do you??

She lied to you to get you off her back, and it worked. I will bet all of your calves that she told him nothing at all and is counting on your being too squeamish and embarrassed to say anything to her BH yourself.

Please listen to what the others here are telling you. This OW is lying. All cheaters lie. You and your WH can never, ever have any contact with her again in any way, shape or form - not if you want to save your marriage.

There is no way around any of this. You have to plow right through it. YOU must tell her BH yourself, because his cheating wife isn't about to blow the whistle on herself. And you and your WH must 100% break all contact with both of them.

Sorry, but there's no other way if you want your marriage.


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WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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I bet it went something like this:

"that crazy PM is so jealous that she doesn't want me to have any contact with them again! She is so insanely jealous of my friendship with Mr PM. Nor does she want you to come over anymore. We have been worried about her mental state for a long time and this just proves it! Poor Mr. PM!! How can he put up with that crazy lunatic??"


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Well DH called and talked to him. Confessed. Apologized. I stood next to him and held his hand.
OW's H said she'd already talked to him, but he'd talk to her again. (Probably told him a partial story as suggested here).

He'd been suspicious far longer than I. In fact, that was a common complaint of hers (how little he trusted her) so he didn't seem particularly shocked...


~Piece
Me:36
DH:36, EA w/my friend
DS10, DD:8
Married 13yrs, together 16

If life is in pieces, make a quilt.
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Out of curiosity, her H didn't seem to think it was a very big deal. Or at least, he didn't express that when he and DH were talking.
Thoughts on why?
Because if there's no sex, there's no affair?
Because she'd already managed to salvage it before DH called him? (I find this one hard to believe as her H was suspicious long ago)


~Piece
Me:36
DH:36, EA w/my friend
DS10, DD:8
Married 13yrs, together 16

If life is in pieces, make a quilt.
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Doesn't matter. It really doesn't. Has your WH committed to writing a NC letter to OW?



BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted by PieceMakers
Out of curiosity, her H didn't seem to think it was a very big deal. Or at least, he didn't express that when he and DH were talking.
Thoughts on why?
Because if there's no sex, there's no affair?
Because she'd already managed to salvage it before DH called him? (I find this one hard to believe as her H was suspicious long ago)
Scotland's right, it doesn't matter. That's between OW & her husband and is none of your & your H's business.

Their involvement in your life is a threat to your marriage & thus to your children's home, and must end. Their marriage is not your husband's concern. It is not your concern. It is not productive for either of you to waste time thinking about them. You have too much crucial work to do on your own relationship. That must be your focus.

Congratulations on the exposure.
Now your & your H's order of the day is :
--(1) no contact;
--(2) extraordinary precautions to maintain (1)
--(3) complete honesty about the affair on his part;
--(4) re-learning & meeting one another's emotional needs, within your marriage.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Originally Posted by Scotland
Has your WH committed to writing a NC letter to OW?
Yeah, he did that two weeks ago.
Like I said in my first post, he broke it off. It was a straight forward no-contact letter.
I proofed it before he clicked Send.

And I'm not overly interested in what's going on in their marriage. I just meant from our standpoint that it's odd... He told DH last night that he doesn't hold it against him.


~Piece
Me:36
DH:36, EA w/my friend
DS10, DD:8
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"Extraordinary measures":

OK--
So what is the next step if he's unwilling to change his email? Phone records are easy to check to see who's calling, but email can be dumped before I realize it's even there...

This is the only email address he's had and he's had it for over 12 years.
And for that matter, how do you know that if someone changes their address that they aren't still maintaining the old one? (Yes, I have passwords, but there's no way to keep up with late night/early morning stuff...)

Last edited by PieceMakers; 05/10/10 07:47 PM.

~Piece
Me:36
DH:36, EA w/my friend
DS10, DD:8
Married 13yrs, together 16

If life is in pieces, make a quilt.
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