What Scotland said and I hate that chocolate ice cream stains.

If someone gets angry about the truth, then the problems is theirs, not the person who told it. Now, I am all for tact, being southern and everything. But I didn't need someone to say "I know how you feel, it hurts to be wayward, you'll do the right thing when you're ready." The friend - and I use the term loosely - who dealt with me that way just enabled my me-ism. It was the friends who said, "You confessed to God? Not good enough. Tell your husband. I'll keep your kids over here so you can talk to him."

Is that because some of the ice cream ended up on your shirt instead of in your mouth? If so, I totally understand that rant....

Maybe you guys should use a spoon next time.

"like"

(wait, I thought I was on Facebook)

I couldn't agree more. The replys I have received tell more about the poster than me. If you have read my posts you see that I have stated that most of the advice is spot on.

My posts are about trying to find some middle ground between the "you'll do the right thing when you are ready" and the " you haven't done what I said, so I am done posting to you, you need to to grow up and be a man" type posts. I realized I might draw some Ire from my posts, but this information is too valuable. And when the "joey's" or the "Noromeos" show up here no amount of you need to grow up and stop being a child, will encourage them.

Are you telling me that when any wayward , who is in the heat of the storm, will listen to their spouse or a stranger who tells them they need to do x or else we won't help you any further? Would you have listened?

There are posts here where the originator has not responded in just 2 days, and the board decides he is not listening, and to move on. Life is not so perfect that everyone can post daily or even every other day. If you are tired of posting to an individual, because they appear to not be listening, then don't post.

Pepperband called Mrs. Wondering a jerk when she showed up here as a wayward, and Mrs. Wondering listened.

I think after awhile it gets easy to tell who really wants to do the right thing and who has cushioned their story with so much "background information" it's obvious they don't that it's their responsibility.

I understand your feelings, but you have to remember how confusing, and scared, and worried, and in pain you are when this happens to you. Expecially in the beginning when it seems like no one understands, because they haven't been through anything like this.

I understand the weeks and months become too long with no forward movement. But there are posts here, where the originator has been here less then a week, and it has been "decided" that he won't "call the OWH" because he is a child. Sorry that is not too long of a time, or giving good advice. He came here looking for help. I wish every wayward would. and we judge him in less than a week, that he is beyond help. Really?? He was being open with us, which shows some intent to turn his life around. He mentioned how open he was being with his wife. Good signs. Maybe just talk, but we have to go with what we have. He stated he started reading the articles posted here. Now he's gone....

As fogginess, I agree. There is so much happening, that everyone involved, falls into some fogginess. Was your 2x4 from Pepperband in less than a week from you coming to the board? Maybe a little more patience with the people who are going through the worst thing they have ever encountered.
I have not said that we need to go easy on waywards, but if we are too hard on them, then they leave, and that family loses. Again I say that there are many reasons that people only follow parts of the plans. Maybe they are afraid to contact the OWH? or maybe they feel like they have lost so much, that going NC will drive their wayward further away? Could they think their situation is so different, and that parts of the advice will not work for their wayward? I don't know why some people don't want to try whatever parts they decide to omit. I do know that this process takes time, and that is what they need.

When I came here I showed my wife the site, we did the questionairs. And found out some things we never really knew about each other. We even drew up a poja. My wife did not want to post our sitch, or attend counseling, so with the POJA, we didn't. I worked plan A till June. Then I was served divorce papers. She is living with her OM, today. I am raising our kids, she sees them only 4 days a month.

Every situation is different. Even waywards know what they are doing is wrong. I hate to see the opportunity to save their family lost because they "appear" to not be following the advice given.

wow i would love to see that thread....

.....OMG, sorry wrong thread.

If I was simlutaneously burning my hand on a hot stove AND stabbing someone else in the back, I would hope no one would wait until I felt like stopping. Cause affairs are just that serious. It's like when a bratty kids is screaming and kicking at the store. I can't stand seeing the mom stoop down and say, "Honey precious sweetie baby, Mommy would be so happy if you could use your indoor voice."

I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here. Sometimes you need a 2x4 upside the head. Sometimes you need gentle chiding. Some folks are better at the lumber, some at the coaxing.

I think we need both types here. Think of it as "Good Cop, Bad Cop." Getting people out of a WS mindset isn't cookie cutter.

Getting them out of that mindset, however, is the goal.

Whatever works.

Since I'm bipoplar I can be both cops

Where is everyone getting these smileys from? Some of them are outrageous!

So would I !!!

Not egg zak lee correct.

Only a jerk would make up a story like that HAHAHAHAHAHA

For smileys: http://www.freesmileys.org/

[quote=markos
Pepperband called Mrs. Wondering a jerk when she showed up here as a wayward, and Mrs. Wondering listened. [/quote]

It took me a little while to find the refrence. Here is what I found Mrs. Wondering came here 7/1/05. She was given supportive advice from everyone. It was not until 3 weeks later that the "Jerk" comment came up. While it was not directed at her, but at all people who have affairs, but she was offended

"I was truly upset by some of the posts left for me regarding this issue...I asked for and expected 2 X 4's, however, I was unaware that 2 X 4's took on the appearance of personal attacks. Never in any of my posts have I said that the OM was to blame for MY A, I do except full blame for what I did, I understand that only I can control MY actions. I never expected what amounts to name calling on this board and I can almost be certain that Dr. Harley wouldn't do that in counseling. I came here trying to understand and learn...knowing full well that I will make mistakes along the way." -Mrs Wondering 7/20/05

"�Pep...are you trying to give me clarity or are you simply trying to engage me? Is this just personal venting for you? I'm not trying to be mean to you, in fact I have read many of your posts to others and have learned some valuable stuff from them. Please forgive me if am just being over- sensitive as I am quite new in my recovery...�- Mrs Wondering 7/20/05

And she did state that she was offended by the personal attacks on the 20th, if this had been in less than a week, and she had been a little foggier, she may have left.

When you see such an opportunity, run with it.



Why not do this yourownself?

Expecting others to do what you won't do yourownself is ..... What?


[/quote]

If I had chosen not to do the right thing regarding my A because some strangers were mean to me, then I didn't really want help to begin with. It's just one more set of people for me to blame for my own actions.