Margie:

You state that many here will not help you becasue you are in an affairage. That is thier choice. Your not the first in that status to come here and ask, and you will not be the last. The only thing for your to do, is not to complain about it. Accept the support that you do get, and be thankful that someone does post.

I stated to you earlier that you really needed to straighten yourself out first. That if you did THAT, you just might end up with a marriage worth saving.

Stay on that course.

You should be doing Plan A. Not becasue you "should do it for a month till you Plan B" But becasue for once, you will be giving of yourself with NO EXPECTATION of anything in return.

You have lived for 31 years in that type of lifestyle, so maybe JUST GIVING to someone, will start you on the path to recovery.

And YES, I get it. I have lived that way for a LONG time. "What was in it for me?" was always close to the surface. I have changed. I try to do the right thing and give away the result.

Make tea for your husband.
Get his morning stuff out for him.
Make his favorite meals.
Listen to him.

See what happens.

He has been on the other side, where YOU were denying what was going on and you were calling him nuts. So, your two days into to confronting HIM. Take your time. Prove that this M is MORE than just this weeks flavor.

You have been practicing MB for what, 2 weeks? Give it at least half a year. Then you have something.

LG

Thank you LG.

I am trying to just be a good and better person. But at the same time, I have to know what my Plans (A&B) are and what I plan on doing and for how long.

Right now I PLAN on doing good and I PLAN on being a better me. It's hard but it's just flat out the right thing to do. That's my PLAN for right now.

Thank you for your response. I do appreciate every little bit I get.

Margie,

Calm down and then sit down are write down your plan for being a better person and W. The execute the plan. Having it actually written down will help you focus, and it will allow you to do what you know you need to do whether or not your H is in a good mood or not.

He is under stress right now. His EA has been detected, he has finals, and he is dealing with a W that has cheated on him twice. His responses won't be rational until some of the stress is off. He is looking for ways to calm his life and this girl might appear to be a way. She won't be becuase there are children involved.

What you need to do is provide an attractive alternative. You need to provide hope and you need to refocus your life into things and channels that are productive and good. Sitting there shaking is not going to accomplish that. So start to make your plan concrete...put it in writing.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Plan A until you know that it is not working at all. Don't set a time limit to give up on it before you even know how effective it is! I have been (sort of, not very well) Plan A-ing since March 31. It is JUST starting to show vague signs of working. A month ago, I asked WH what he wanted of me emotionally and he said, "Nothing." He's only now starting to show signs that he DOES want more.

Keep watching the keylogger. You will know when it's time for Plan B.

And think positive, for goodness sake! Don't let his anger get to you....it's been a LONG time that your marriage has needed help, so don't expect it to turn around in a day or two. No matter how angry he gets, just stick to your Plan A. It is the best defense you have. As JL said, DON'T have any expectations of it or you will get discouraged too soon and too fast. Give him time to see what you've changed!

Thank you both. You've been a great help.

He found and disabled the keylogger and locked his computer. I feel totally lost and like all my power has been taken away!

My WH did that too. It only shows he's hiding something.

You still gave power as long as you Plan A!

Ask yourself and him this-what did you see in each other in the first place? Is it still there and can it be regained? Be the person he fell in love with! I know it is SO HARD but dont give up, Margie!!

Thanks NP. I'm trying, smiling, talking, chatting, laughing, joking etc.

I KNOW the Plan works in it's own way, one way or the other. But it certainly is so hard. Feels like I'm just rolling over and he's getting whatever he wants. Even though he doesn't want me... I feel like just leaving and getting out now before I go crazy. I know that's not the right way to go though.

Also, is there a Plan A letter? Is there something else I should be saying about this girl and his single's sites to him when/if the subject comes up?

Have you read up on the carrot AND stick of plan A? Don't forget the stick part! Plan A is not all about being a doormat. You gave certain expectations that you can make clear without lovebusting....

Going by the carrot and stick, I'm supposed to expose. I understand this and at times I've felt like I could and should expose but now I'm not so sure.

Do you think I have enough information to do this and for it to be effective? What exactly do I say/post as it will mostly be over Facebook if I do decide to do that.

And how do I find a keylogger on my computer!?! I'm paranoid now that he's put one on me.

So is chatting sexually with other women online considered an affair? cheating?

Do I expose this?

What do I say? How do I post this on Facebook?

The stick is about exposing, but it's is also about establishing boundaries and not accepting blame for your spouse having an affair. I don't know how to add a link to the Plan A thing or I would so you could read up on it.

I have the carrot/stick thread open and I'm reading it.

I'm just confused in this aspect. Is this an affair? I know it is something I don't want going on in my marriage and it is hurting my marriage. There is no chance of recovery with an affair going on. What about this?

Whether he's actively seeing a person or emotionally involved or physically involved, he IS hurting your marriage but seeking out other women. And that is not okay. It's already cheating. You don't bring third parties into a marriage.

Margie:

How about this for a little while:

Stop trying to equate his current actions to YOURS.

He is chatting, both to ex GF's and on singles sites.

You keep asking: "Is this an AFFAIR!"

So you can expose. Embarass your Husband, and I presume, get even....

How about if you just start Plan Aing.

Just do that. Work on yourself, and try and meet the EN's he allows you to meet.

Is he having an Affair? Maybe, and him locking down his computer makes me think that he is.

But you have ALOT of work to do before you can start claiming that "we are both guilty"

Do the "Carrot" part of Plan A. And stick with it. The info you need to fight his A will come. And then you use as needed.

Work on you.

That is the road to a better Margie.

With or without this WH.

LG

Thank you LG but I honestly am not trying to embarrass him by looking for an excuse to expose. I'm dreading exposure because I know it would start a tidal wave of anger from him. But I want to do the right thing and am trying to follow MB. If I SHOULD expose, I want to do that.

I am honestly working on me to the best of my ability. I really appreciate both of your help.

I think this is actually pretty stellar advice, LG! Try it for a few days before you think any more of exposing, Margie. .

Thank you, I am trying...so hard.

We all went out to dinner tonight for DD9 Bday. The past few days and even today he's been nice and chatty. For all of his talk of, "Don't do anything for me, don't get me anything, don't try anymore," he let me pull off a couple of small gestures. His graduation commencement was this evening and he was texting to me throughout. He even called to check up on me when I took too long to get home with the kids (got stuck in traffic).

Then we went home and he left for the night to go out with a friend.

That's all that's going on for right now. I'm working on being a better person, woman, wife and mother. Plan Aing.

Thank you for your help.

Keep it up Margie!!! Don't let the small stuff get u down! . At least his behaviour is showing signs of improvement, right?

It seems like he is responding to your plan A. Told you you could survive his anger!