I think he used his anger just to push me further away. He got angry over something "dumb" (I mean, the TM were innocent, right, so there was no reason to get angry) that being, my snooping in his phone. That way he could go completely to his pseudo-single life he was starting to live.

Now I do feel like this is allowing him to cake eat. He can chat, email, text to whoever whatever whenever he wants. He can go out drinking and playing with his friends whenever he wants but he still gets me meeting EN's at home. I know it works somehow, I'm just down right now and therefore not totally getting it. Thanks and sorry.

I knew it would happen, he's started erasing his text messages. It's not an iPhone so I can't install any kind of tracker.

I'm losing ground. It feels like I'm going backwards. Being the best me I can be and Plan Aing and showing him what a great wife and mother I can be is hard (duh, I knew it would be, I'm just ranting) and it hurts and I'm sad, just plain old sad.

Update

Logger is still installed and working. I don't know why it wasn't emailing for a few days. Weird.

I don't even want to see the logs anymore. I think I might be done. LB$ too low...

Message from him to TM girl talking about how crazy I was and that he's never cheated and never even came close. Kinda makes me nauseous. What if I didn't make the right decision?

OR, he's on to the fact that you are seeing his messages and he is trying to head you off. I mean, didn't he ask her before if they would have a chance if he moved back to Dallas?

Just keep Plan A'ing, Margie. Until you have solid, black and white proof he is having an affair, it's your best bet.

What decision are you questioning?

I'm questioning confronting him and accusing him of saying the things that I have proof that he said to her. The "I love you, after 12 yrs I can say that" and the thing about getting together if he were in Dallas... I know it's silly. I mean it's inappropriate stuff for a husband to be saying to another girl but still.

Maybe you're right about him knowing about the logger. I don't know, I really don't.

I thought you said he found the logger? So he knows it's there!

Same thing happened with WH. He stopped being careful after a while and that's when the gory stuff started pouring out.

Just be vigilant and patient and Plan A in the meantime.

That's true. I didn't think of it that way. As in he's playing me. I'm easily played...

ML, hang in there and work YOUR plan. I know it is very tough and I second guess myself all the time. He may know about the keylogger and that's why it stopped for a while. Maybe he turned it back on. I would treat the logger info with some scepticism for now and focus on your Plan A and consistency.

H "graduated" Friday night and went out partying Friday, last night (slept in till about 1pm, showered, changed and was out the door about 4:30) and is already gone partying today. I know he is planning on going out and partying every night if he can until the summer semester starts June 1? I think.

I am so much less stressed, angry or sad when I am not around him. Just wanted to share that.

If that's the way you are feeling Margie, are you still interested in working hard to save your marriage?

I don't think his attitude of partying every night is acceptable. What about his children? Does he take any responsibility for them? And if not, is this really a man you want to be married to?

Just trying to understand... for your own sake!

No, you're right and I'm totally on your page, NP. I'm rethinking the whole situation and although it would be great to beat the odds against us, if I'm feeling happy and free when he's only gone for a few hours, that's something very telling.

I have been thinking about moving back home, to Ohio. I'm looking up all the legaleese regarding it. H does care about his son but right now the selfishness is taking over big time. He yells more and more at DD11 and DD9 and complains and calls them names to me. That hurts more than anything and it's swaying me more and more towards just leaving.

I'm sure so many will be happy to see another affairage fall apart.

He didn't come home at all last night.

Makes me so angry. Not a call or text or anything. DS3 woke up asking for daddy this morning and all I could say is, "I don't know, he's not here."

Starting to make my decision against the M easy...

Affairs are devastating, Margie, and aside from the added difficulty of this being an affairage, you and your H have dealt some pretty critical blows to the M. While I still believe it's possible to recover, it will take years and years of hard work and dedication from both of you. This is nothing new.

I think what you should be doing right now is self-reflecting, (e.g., use JL's posts to you as a jumping-off point) and figuring out who you are, what you want, where you want your life to go. Answer those questions, and then come up with a plan re: how your M fits into all of that.

Right now you seem to be spending more time fretting and anxious and spinning your wheels, waiting for someone to figure this all out for you. That's not going to happen, and I suspect that may be partly why you aren't getting as much help. (I think the larger part is the affairage and the foggy details about all of the relationship stuff. But that is what it is.)

You need to help yourself. It's good you continue to post, and good that you post on others' threads. Keep reading. Set the hamster wheel fretting aside and be proactive. Think. Plan. Post here and get feedback. Rinse and repeat.


This may be true, but probably moreso in the case of unrepentant, foggy waywards. You are here, still posting, and you seem to be trying to do better.* You are human, and trying, and that will evoke some compassion.

HOWEVER. That should not be your focus right now. Who cares? Don't waste your time w/ thoughts/comments like that. It doesn't help your situation, and your focus should be on productive action for you right now.

That's all I got for now.




*In the classic words of Yoda: "Do or do not. There is no try." Requisite advice.

Thank you Ms. V. I'll be taking your post to heart. I really appreciate your help and time to post to me.

Well I'm not one of those. I'm sorry that you're stuck going through this. I agree with those above - you seem to be stuck in a holding pattern, not sure of what to do.

Develop your plan of action - that will give you a lot of strength and power. Figure out if you want to save this marriage, then figure out what kind of marriage you want and what it will take from YOU to achieve that.

If you want your marriage, continue in Plan A. Become the best wife you know how to be, using the MB philosophy. You should expose your husband. Texting other women, visiting dating sites, partying all night and not coming home, these are not appropriate husband behaviors.

Lay out your plan for recovery and what it will take from HIM to recover this marriage. Lay out what you will COMMIT to do for him to recover this marriage. Let him know that you will only stay in marriage under these conditions.

Accept that this marriage may not be salvageable. Too much damage may have been done. But use MB to affect the best personal recovery regardless of the outcome of your marriage - so that next time around you do better. If that is the only good that comes out of this, it will be enough.

I truly am sorry you're going through this. I know it hurts and may feel overwhelming at time. Make a plan, and stick to it. Then you'll be ACTING instead of reacting.

(((Margie)))

I am certainly acting right now. I can say that much. He's not acting or reacting to anything right now, unfortunately.

Margie, you're doing great.

His behaviour is unacceptable. He is not acting like a father or husband at all. And he's not even having an affair yet, just trying to! Imagine what it will be like when he actually finds someone low enough to cheat with him.

Decide if you really want this marriage. Affairage or not, if you see that there's good reason to save it, try hard and Plan A. Any decent marriage is worth saving. And I would be sorry to see your marriage fall apart if you were really trying to save it, even if it is an affairage!

Good luck and keep posting!

Hi Margie,

I feel that you would not be here if you were not sincere and not still in love with your husband.

Margie, I feel that you are an intellegent devoted woman, however, I feel you are being misdirected in terms of what you can do personally. I say that because if this was my situation (in terms of your H), my wife would drag me to a priest, minester, rabbi or a parent, and she would simply have it out with me instead of risking the rest of her life uncertain.

I feel Margie that you can get so involved with the technical here that you are losing sight of your goal. It's nice to know and be able to use the voice activated recorder, but on the other hand that effort takes away from actual down to earth nitty griity intimate converstation and confrontation with your husband in this matter.

I would advise you to take a break from posting here and do what you know you need to do. No one here Margie could possibly guide you from day to day on your own intimate relationship no matter How astounding they may seem.

I'll relate to you one other thing. I went to evening school back in the 70s to get my MBA. My wife put up crap from me then because I had to spend umpteen hours studying and that I was selfishly devoted to my degree. We did have some periods of distance. Thanks to her tho, when I was done with my last class she came downtown to Chicago for a pizza dinner celebration and I was just too tired and detached to show her much affection or anything else. She persevered tho, and after half the dinner she just said to me do you want to just go home and mess around! We did and I found I was not tired at all. On other hand Margie, if I had just wanted to go out drinking and not be with her after I had finished my program she would have walked away I am sure.

Just my thoughts. Most people have worked these things out. They depended on Their values and goals. It's fine Margie to get advice here from folks, but they are not living your life for you.

Thanks,

Tom

Margie

Im a newbie too. I can see the frustration just bleeding through the screen. I feel for you because no one deserves going through this.

I think your getting very good advice in keeping up plan A. The purpose of plan A is to show that you are willing to meet his needs. Id continue on as long as possible and do your best to avoid MB. Then if you can take it more and go for a seperation your setting you plan B up as well as you can.

Keep your head up. I live for the glimpses of my DW I see from times to time. Pictures of us in happier days are really tough.
I hope you get something to keep you going.

YEG

oK, Margie,

Let's take this from the top shall we??? I suggested you sit down and question yourself about your life and your life goals. I expect you to do this NOW!!! I expect you to know your boundaries and what you will tolerate and won't tolerate and what you will do if your boundaries are crossed, start right NOW!

I expect you to protect your children. I expect you to see when their father KNOWS when he is neglecting them and tell him. I expect you to learn and grow.

Now do you see anywhere where I have mentioned your H's affair? Do you see anywhere where I have actually mentioned your marriage? No you don't because I have not.

In my humble opinion there is not a chance in the world you can save this marriage or make it a good marriage UNTIL YOU get your goals, your priorities, and your boundaries figured out. You cannot actuate a plan if you have no goal. I want to be married is not really a goal it is a wish. It is like my diet plan: "I want to lose 20 lbs." That is not a plan, it is a wish. A plan has milestones, it has evaluation points, it has alternative actions, it has GOALS.

Quit worrying about your H and start figuring out who you are, what you stand for, what are your goals, and how are you going to achieve them.

Your focus on every little detail of his actions is you avoiding looking at the important things. What are those things? They are your goals, your plans, YOUR boundaries.

Focus on those and tell your H he is ignoring the kids and they will come to resent him for it.

God Bless,

JL