Thanks, SoL.

Since last week she has been around every night and been more engaged with the kids.

During our confrontation, and again in MC, I characterized her being away so much as "borderline neglect" of the kids. Although absolutely true, It was a huge lovebuster.

Someone needed to step up and tell her this, so I bit the bullet and was the one knowing things were going to be pushed right to the brink. As much as it made love bank withdrawals, I think it did open her eyes a little to what she was doing to the kids at home. For their sake I'm glad I did it.

Because that's the thing, she really is a wonderful mother to the boys. She's very involved in their school and also with the church, and they love her to death when she's home and engaged with them. She's the one who has guided most of the decisions on school, day care, etc. That's the primary reason I'm fighting so hard for this marriage.

I know exactly what you mean about the deterioration of the 'motherly instincts'. My WW was a great mother and seemed her happiest with the kids. Now it's like pulling teeth to get her to do any more than the basic needs for them. It is incredibly sad, especially when the boys verbalize that they wish "mom would do more stuff with us".

I have confronted Pinky as well and she did improve a little bit, but she is far from where she was. She was also confronted by her parents too. In her case, it wasn't so much as being out of the house partying, but more of isolating herself in the spare room and being on the computer all the time.

I think you did the right thing by bringing it up. Not sure how you said it, but hopefully you led with "It really hurts me to see your lack of interaction with the kids...." The careful wording is important when confronting.

I agree with this assessment. And she will continue to do this as long as she is able. She wants this to become a way of life and the longer she is allowed to abuse you and your family, the higher her expectations of entitlement will become. Women do not love men they don't respect and women do not respect men they can run over. It is sickening. We have disgust for men like that. So don't adopt the roll over and play dead plan; that will avail you nothing but disgust.

The best thing that you can do from your end is to cause as much trouble as possible in the affair. That means continual exposure, contacting the OM whenever there is contact, confronting her each and every time you find evidence of an affair. She should be told that the kids miss her every time this comes up. She is not a "good mother" and that pretense should be lost.

Another important factor to keep in mind is this: Plan A is not intended to be a way of life for conflict avoiders and men who are scared to lose their wives. Plan A is only intended to be a SHORT TERM PLAN to end the affair/wayward life until the WS will commit to the marriage. That is 3-4 WEEKS for women, UP TO 6 months for men.

If I were you, I would start making plans for Plan B. Check with a lawyer and see what your legal rights are. Start separating your finances, getting your Plan B letter prepared, selecting an intermediary, etc. I can't remember how long you have been in Plan A, but it seems unlikely you will be one of the 15% whose affairs end in Plan A [and the spouse commits to recovery] and Plan B will be warranted.

To be truthful, I am starting to become concerned that you will become like a handful of board members [always MEN] who have grown bitter and full of hate because they have been in Plan C for 7 to 10 years. They avoided conflict for all those years because they are scared to lose their wives, so they have tolerated the intolerable all this time. In the time they could have gone into Plan B, been divorced [or yanked their very entitled wayward wives off the fence], they could have been happily remarried to a faithful wife.

Conflict avoidance comes at a very, very high price.

schtoop, when was D-Day?

To answer some of your questions and give some background,

D-Day was Jan. 24, 2010. I found this website about a week later.

You're right about me be a conflict avoider, have been all my life. I'm also someone who is very poor at showing emotion or letting others know how I feel. That's my part of getting us to where our marriage was before the affair. As I avoided conflict and let her dictate most facets of our lives, the resentment built up inside of me until I was constantly putting out negative vibes and body language. While not "controlling" in the sense of forcing my will on the large life decisions, I fought back by trying to dictate the hundreds of little things that make up daily life. That could wear on anyone.

While not the conflict avoider as much as me, my wife was the same about recognizing and sharing her feelings. So, while we rarely fought openly, both of us pulled back until the marriage was in textbook withdrawal.

So, you are right on about me growing bitter and being in plan C for 7-10 years.

I will redouble my efforts at plan A, but in the meantime not sit back and roll over when her behavior turns destructive.

I'm still struggling with how to enact a plan B. I have a separate bank account all ready to go. She flatly refuses to leave the house, and that is also something I am not going to ever give in on. I think both of us have received legal counsel not to leave the house. There is no legal separation in Florida. So how does one plan B under these circumstances?

You file for divorce, [on grounds of adultery if you can] asking for possession of the house, get her out, and then drag things out. We have that same legal set up here in Texas. Even though it is a no fault state, you can file on grounds and get a legal advantage [custody, possession of the home] if there is adultery. In your case, the fact that your wife is NOT a good mother and she leads a single swinger, adulterous lifestyle will work in your favor.

hope_eternal is doing this very thing right now. She filed for divorce and got him out of the house. That is how you do it.

File for D on the grounds of adultery and let her know there is a path back if she agrees to your plan B conditions. You see, your WW want to have her cake and eat it too. Right now, she thinks you won't divorce her. If you start taking the step and start exposing her to the consequences, she might straighten out. He who cares the least has all the power in a relationship. If she thinks you care less, then she'll be forced to make a decision.

p.s. the longer this drags out, the more entrenched in this wayward mindset she becomes.

Very good.

That very plan is what is coming together in my mind. I will ride this thing out a little longer, see if her changes are sincere or a temporary diversion, and redouble my efforts at plan A.

If it's just a diversion, then I will lawyer up and hit her out of the blue.

What changes, schtoop? There are no changes here that would facilitate the recovery of your marriage. The only change I see is that she is more entitled and more emboldended. There is nothing here.

You are almost at the maximum end of Plan A and nothing has changed and nothing looks like it WILL change. It takes 3-4 weeks to file and get all your ducks in a row. If she does make a REAL CHANGE and commit to your marriage in that time, you can always back off. But putting this off is not going to help.

Well, another week and I just seem to be riding things out right now.

My wife has been around just about every night. Friday night she went to a "jewelry party" with her friend. They came back at 10:30 (when the party was over) and spent about an hour visiting at our house and going through her jewelry collection. I was actually cordial with the friend.

No bars, no heavy drinking, no lying. Is she really trying? Or is this a diversion?

Sunday night we spent about 2 hours in conversation on everything from the kids summer plans, to future schools, to the oil spill. No heavy relationship talk. She talks about the future like there's no uncertainty, so I don't know what to think.

Actually, I do know what to think. She is now in the mindset that she doesn't want a divorce (mostly because of the kids), but doesn't want to fully commit to the marriage either. Whatever the current mindset, it is a great opportunity to plan A as well as possible and try to change the mindset.

I'm out of town with work until Wednesday, so I won't have much to report.

Seems like she's trying, but be wary. Mrs. Linus has times when she's really trying also, but it's almost as if she gets burned out and withdraws/reverts back. Take the good while you can.

I'm sure that you're doing a lot of good here. Conversation is probably in her top 5 EN's, so you're meeting that need and making $LB deposits. Keep it up!

Yes! You get it! Except that YOU cannot change the mindset, only she can. Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.

Schtoop - I see a lot of good things in this post.

Well, I'm done!

We all knew that my wife had no boundaries, nor was she remotely interested in changing, nor had she put any effort at all into trying to recover.

Well, over the Memorial day weekend she went to a good friend's wedding in a town several hours away. She went along with her two favorite party buddies. From a few text messages and a facebook post, it seems like she hit it off with some guy there.

If that wasn't enough, when she got back home she had a FB "friend" request from another younger guy who was at the wedding, a cousin of the bride (I guess she doesn't know I have her FB password). It seems she didn't talk with him much there, hardly remembered him, but in the last few days a FB romance has blossomed including exchanging naked photos and phone sex.

This guy isn't even that smooth, but it does seem like he's done this kind of internet courting before. Probably some kind of predator.

I'm done. No more plan A, no plan B. It's straight to the bulldog attorney's office this morning to put down a retainer.

This is the turning point. I no longer wish to recover this marriage. I made tons of mistakes with plan A, couldn't pull off a plan B, but I'm damn sure going to get plan D right.

Like I said, I know I made a ton of mistakes and was slow to listen to the advice here, but I am convinced that nothing I did would have changed her mindset anyway. I am at peace.

Watch it, now she'll probably make an effort to not get divorced. You should have been this tough before.

Sorry about the turn of events, schtoop. The most important part of your post, I think, is that you're at peace with your decision. That's critical, because Plan D is final and will be difficult for you.

I cannot say I disagree. I think you've put up with a lot, and she's probably not going to change.

Oops, all her facebook messages are suddenly erased?

Good thing I made print-outs of the whole lurid conversation and saved the photos he sent.

Lawyer wants $7,500 retainer and I have a consultation set up Monday morning.

We have a MC session this afternoon. Should I sit through the whole thing and play dumb? Or let her know the gig is up?

If you have all the info you needed saved up, I would let her know the gig is up during the session. See how she reacts. IF you have desire whatsoever to save the marriage, I would let her know you are done and it will take a lot of convincing on her part to get you to stay. You can just give her the list of conditions (like a plan B letter) at the marriage counselor's and then plan B her in the house.

I would let her know the gig is up BEFORE the MC session.
Why bother going?

I would cancel it. You will be wasting your time if you sit there silently. And if you tell your plans, your wife will have the support of a counselor to undermine your plans since she doesn't understand the mindset of a wayward.

A better plan, IMO, would be to set your wife down tonight and give her your conditions for staying in the marriage. Lay out a strict plan with firm boundaries, starting the conversation with "i know about your new boyfriend and am not willing to live like this any longer. This is what it will take to keep me in this marriage:

1. no opposite sex friends
2. no leisure time spent apart
3. complete and total transparency - followed by historical honesty confirmed by a polygraph test
4. committment to the Marriage Builders program [do the online program where they give you a coach and daily access to Dr Harley]

Lay out the path for her and give her the chance to accept or reject it. If she balks - like I expect her to - and plays the control card "NO LEISURE TIME APART???!! YOU ARE TRYING TO CONTROL ME!! " just say,

"oh no, I am NOT trying to control you at all! This HAS to be entirely voluntary or it will not work. It is up to you to accept or reject it."

When she rejects it by playing the "you are are trying to control me" wayward wife card tell her you are sorry she has rejected but you must take further action in order to protect you and your children and will be contacting an attorney.

Before you do this, I would expose her affair[s] to your children. Your wife is very, very wayward and leaving them ignorant of the facts leaves them vulnerable to her lies. Asking a WAYWARD to tell them the truth is nonsense that will only result in a scene. They need the unimpeded TRUTH from their only sane parent, not a pack of rationalizations and lies from a wayward.

After you are done with her and the kids, I would tell everyone what she has done. Do a nuclear exposure.

DON'T GO to that marriage counselor. She will just kick you down the stairs and help your WW undermine you.

Going to the MC will cause more harm than good.