I read his post earlier about last night, so I am sorry you are feeling so bad. Do NOT rush anything. You all did not get here over night so do not expect to have things heal quickly. Take time to heal other things and let the physical part come when the time is right.

I am still waiting for the time when we are together and she is not with us (in my mind). We have tried all sorts of things, so far nothing has helped.

This is so difficult and putting unneeded stress on yourself will only slow things down. If you need to talk IM me.

I know in my mind that what you say is true. I also know that I cant meet his emotional need for sex right now and I am sure it will be a really really long time before I can. I dont want to leave but right now, I have nothing to give him. I know our marriage can not be one sided, I leared that the hard way by giving him everything and he felt "entitled" enough to do this to me. However, right now, The only thing I have for him is being here. I have NOTHING else. I cant even keep myself straight lately. I am thankful that he is willing to do what he has done so far. He is walking the walk, he is here, he is being transparent TOTALLY, he is taking care of the house, the kids, and me without us asking. He is going to church and talking to the chaplain at his work..on his own. I see he is trying ALOT harder then other WS I have seen on some of these threads, and I am thankful for that. I know alot of WS dont go that far. But right now I still cant give him anything. I am still so hurt and angry. I know if he cheats its on him, he said he wont cheat again, he hates seeing me go through such emotional trauma, but I cant help but feel like what if I take too long, what if I really drive him away. I guess, if I drive him away, then he shouldnt be here in the first place, it just hurts to think so.

I do not think you will drive him away and if you did then his loss. All I know is that we will come out of this stronger and wiser. I also need to think about my daughter and what this is teaching her.

I remember when I first found out and read how it was going to take like 2 years for me to heal. I was like .."not me, I will be all better in a few months". Ha the joke was on me, here it is 10 months and I am not at all better, some days I feel like I am going backwards in my healing.

This is just a lot for our brains to comprehend as well as dealing with a broken hearts. I'm sorry but if your H needs to wait weeks/months for you two together, then so be it. He made this mess and if he has to suffer a little...oh well!!!

Hang in there, take a day at a time, or an hour at a time which ever works for you and helps you through it.

Thanks, I am taking it a few hours at a time, I have to. I woke up today, thought I was dealing fine, then BOOM, went to docs, and on way to work, had a total meltdown, uncontrollable sobbing, hitting the steering wheel , screaming. It wasnt pretty. I have stopped home to get my self together to be able to go in to work. I also worry about how this will affect my daughters thoughts on marriage. I have done some damage in that area by allowing her to see the angry outbusts and telling her what daddy did during an angry outburst. (Not with the men though)I should not have destroyed the picture she had of her father. I feel like she wont bond with him now. She questions me all the time now asking why daddy didnt just marry the other girl and not hurt my feelings. She also keeps saying to me "WE" should leave daddy. I told her I was trying to stay with daddy, cuz I love him, and she replied, yeah, but I cant take it anymore, you guys fight all the time now. To hear this from my 6 year old breaks my heart. We had such a loving relationship, and it pisses me off that for 6 years she saw a very loving mommy, and daddy, and a daddy, who acted like he adored her mommy, and now she is dazed and confused with daddy, loving someone else, and lying (which is one of the no tolerance rules of our home) How do we tell her that lying is wrong, and severly punish her when she does it, but then she sees her daddy doing it, and doesnt look, like he is punished? I want her to get the right messages from this horrible situation my husband has created. I dont want her to give up on love or on loyalty,and marriage. I am so afraid we have scarred her. I am trying to do this a few hours at a time, trying to find some good to come out of it. Trying to be a better person, but I feel like all I keep finding is the ugliness in myself. I have rage and anger I never knew I could posses. I hate it. Again though, I am truely greatful for all of you people on this site giving your insight to this ugly process. I really dont know what I would do without this site. I have made an appointment with a psychiatrist, dont really want to do meds, but at least want to get a second opinion. God bless all of you

It was horrible how our daughter found out. The day I saw the proof on his computer I was so shocked I blurted out "OMG he is having an affair" not realizing she was standing behind me. I went into shock immediately, so when I heard a voice ask "who?" I answered "my husband". It was such an odd answer, but I really was in such shock that I didn't think about who asked or why they were asking. If I had realized it was her I would have said nothing and changed the subject.

Later we sat her down and talked to her. She sobbed and asked if we were getting a divorce. We promised her we were staying together. She heard me crying at times, even though I tried very hard to keep her from it. We did most of our talking to each other when she was at school. Then I noticed a bald spot on her head, she was pulling out her hair. She had them all over her head. Her nerves were shot. This was about 2 months after d-day and my H was in the fog for about 6 weeks after I found out (I found this out months later).

He ended up sitting her down, telling her what he did wrong, how bad it was and how very embarrassed and ashamed he was by his behavior. He told her he loved me, her and the boys and would never do anything stupid like that again and he and I were staying married.

My point in sharing this with you is to show how bad this effects the kids. She has always been Daddy's girl and to have her perfect (in her eyes) Daddy fall from grace was horrible for her. She is doing much better now, but if she had not shown improvement I was getting ready to get her into therapy. So please watch your daughter for any changes in her behavior.

Oh believe me, I have been watching her like a hawk, some of the things she says worries me. So I have been vigilent in talking to her alot lately. I told her to talk to daddy, when they are alone thinking maybe they can get all her questions squared away, but so far she has not. I need to make sure my hubby, asks her if she has any questions that she wants to ask him or talk about so she knows she can open up to him. She opens up to me, but I think she is afraid to with him. I guess its a no trust thing. I definately will watch her. thank you for sharing. (((halfunit)))

Hi NW,

I just wanted to let you know that you have been on my mind all morning. I hope you are doing better, even if it is only slightly better. You have a lot to deal with and I know it cannot be easy. I remember finding another infidelity site soon after I found out about the A and it felt great knowing I was no longer alone, but had someplace to go where people could relate to what I was going through.

Years ago a friend of mine's husband had an A, even though I was sympathetic to her, I really had no idea the pain she was going through. I do not think you can understand this until you have it happen to you and then you have a whole new perspective about it. That is why these sites (especially this one) are so helpful. There are many sites, but I believe this one is the only one that truly tries to help you heal your marraige and yourself. So I am glad you are here, because you will get the help and advise you need.

When you get a chance post and let me know you are OK and how things are going. I just wanted you to know I am still praying for you.

Halfunit, you must have been feeling my pain. Had a REALLY bad day today. Had a TOTAL meltdown at lunch today, had to come back to work late because I just couldnt pull myself together. I called my WH in a screaming fit, and then hung up on him. Then wouldnt answer the phone when he called back because I was in the parking lot at work and was afraid someone would see me loosing it. Then went to a remote area, and checked my voicemail to hear my WH telling me he was on the way home to get his things, and leave, he states he couldnt take it anymore and I deserved better. I FLIPPED OUT!!! I called him screaming and sobbing, and even broke the vent on the dash of my van from banging on it. I am soo outta control. He ended up comming to me and got in the van and held me while I cried for like 20 minutes, he said he is going to stay and wont leave, but Now I am TERRIFIED that I will drive him away. I just cant help it, I am sooooo hurt and angry. I have rage inside me that I never knew or imagined I could even possess. I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist on the 15th of June. I am most certain he will want to put me on something. I REALLY REALLY want to make this work. I WANT TO HAVE A BETTER MARRIAGE!!! I just feel like I cant get there, like I take 2 steps forward then 5 steps back. I dont know what else to do. I am losing my mind COMPLETELY. I feel awful, like I am an awful mom, cuz I just come home and go right to bed, dont want to do anything. Cant even fake a smile anymore for my daughter. Hell its all I can do to not cry around her. I see all these people on here who have worked through this, and then I think to myself....whats wrong with me, why cant I do this. My WH is breaking his neck to do what he is supposed to even more then he is supposed to, and While I DO see this, I am still sooooooooooo paranoid and terrified. Its like I feel if I get comfortable, he will slide right back in to his behavior. He has started going to church again, and even when to the chaplain at his work, (all on his own) he is praying at night, and making us sit at the table for dinner again..(we havent done that in years, usually eat on tv trays in living room) If he is doing all these things, why cant I accept it? He is doing so much more then most WH that I see on alot of these threads, what is my problem??

Ok, have to vent, (once again) here goes. Had a very tearful night, then WH and I had a heartfelt talk this morning, he was hugging me, and rubbing my back, trying to make me feel better. Get up to feed baby, and THEN.....He asked me if I cared if he masterbates....REALLY, NO I MEAN IT...REALLY??? I have been sobbing uncontrollably for 2 days now, and had AO, and sobbing back and fourth and he wants to know if I care.!? WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME.>?? I understand that I am not having sex with him, bearly letting him hug me most days, I DO. I understand that he is getting NO affection from me. I GET THAT. However, is it too much to ask that he act on those urges at more appropriate times??? Why do my feelings ALWAYS ALWAYS come 2nd to his sex drive. I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SICK OF THIS!! I mean if he cant contol himself in an appropriate manner at home how am I EVER supposed to believe he can do it when I am not around???????????????? I am so sick of this behavior from him. I feel like all I am to him is mother of his children and a sex toy. He makes me feel like nothing else about me is important, all he cares about is sex, sex and more sex. Why cant we go just a week without him groping me, making crude sexual comments, or asking me "if I am ok" with him "doing the deed"??? Is he really THAT shallow??? I have so much to give and I feel like none of it matters to him if it doesnt have to do with my body and sex. arrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh . Am I asking too much, is this hopeless???

Removed

HalfUnit and navewife,

You should both be wary about writing to each other off-board. You are both very new here, and you will receive MarriageBuilders advice if you post here. You should not exchange private information by email with people you barely know, for your own security and privacy.

((((navewife)))))

His behavior is that of a sex addict and Dr Harley has found that the addiction(any addiction) needs to be dealt with before MB will work. I know that's disheartening, but you're seeing why that is true. When things get rough, he's running to his drug of choice. He needs serious help for this, and now.

I can't imagine how I would have felt if my FWH had done that. I'm blown away by it. I'm so sorry. Maybe we could get a male's perspective on this because to me it's beyond understanding how he felt a need to do THAT after witnessing so much of your pain. uuuugggh...again he put his need to feel better above yours.

((((((((navewife)))))))

I completely agree. I thought that's what it sounded like, too. He's still running right back to his drug of choice to ease the anxiety.

Exactly what help is he getting / are you both getting for his SA? Do you have real-life counselors? Is he at Recovery Nation?

You will have to deal with the sex addiction before you can deal with repairing the marriage. That's why things aren't getting any better.

navewife, did you see the series on Celebrity Sex Addiction with Dr. Drew? It was on VH1. You can go to the VH1 website and watch the whole series - it was only about six or eight parts - and see how Dr. Drew and his facility dealt with sex addicts.

I do remember these points:

1) Dr. Drew feels that SA has its roots in a chaotic and neglectful upbringing. Outright abuse can be a part of it, but not always.

2) Getting to sexual sobriety does involve several weeks of abstinence, including abstinence from masturbation.

3) Addicts have to re-think how they see and relate to other people, and learn to relate to them as fellow human beings instead of as masturbatory objects.

4) Addicts of all kinds have very poor boundaries and sex addicts especially must learn to have healthy boundaries with others.

So: What exactly is being done to treat his SA? And have you spoken to your doctor about possibly going on antidepressants for a while, to get through the worst of this?

Hey, mulan, YES, we are both in counseling both together and individually. He has very loving family, and no where near neglected. In fact, his mother doted over him excessivly. I do feel that he doesnt see me as anything other then the mother of his children and a sex object. I have an appointment to see a Psychiatrist June 15th, just trying to keep it together till then. HE HAS THE NERVE TO COMPLAIN THAT HE IS PUTTING EVERYTHING IN AND GETTING NOTHING OUT!!! MAKES ME SOOO ANGRY, THAT IS WHAT I HAVE DONE ALL OF OUR MARRIED LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ALWAYS put my hopes,dreams and aspirations aside, to make him happy. Even when he was being the biggest "butt" in the world, I would justify to myself, well at least he still loves me even though I am not skinny, and at least he is faithful. BOY WAS I A FOOL!! So to hear him demand that he gets to be frustrated that he is giving and getting NOTHING, PISSES ME OFF TO KNOW END!!!!!!! So ok, we obviously need to get this sex addict thing under control. Where does that leave me??? I cant do ANYTHING about that, only he can. I already feel so out of control. If I cant fix my marriage till that happens, then what am I supposed to be doing??? I am losing faith, losing hope that we can do this. If I have to wait for him not to be an addict anymore, then I think I am fighting a losing battle. When do I know it is pointless???

Well, yes, you DO have to wait until he is no longer an addict before you can concentrate on saving your marriage. Dr. Harley will tell you that MB solutions do not work when there is any kind of addiction present.

But I'm not sure why that's a losing battle. By "wait" I don't mean "sit around and wait for him to figure it out." He sounds to me like the typical addict who wants to direct his own recovery, which means of course that nothing will change.

He needs very serious help *from professionals* to deal with this. He cannot direct his own recovery, though it sure sounds like that's what he's trying to do. But that's just typical addict blindness and selfishness and fear of being without their drug.

But forget him for a minute. June 15th is waaaaaaayyyyyyyy too long for you to go in the state you are in and with a new baby to boot.

navewife, you should get yourself to your MD or the the emergency room TODAY. Tell them what's going on and see what antidepressants they can start you on (make sure, of course, that they know you have a young baby.)

Since ADs take a few weeks to kick in, the docs can *probably* give you something like Ativan to calm the anxiety. Ativan works right away, like within 30-60 minutes.

You cannot do this alone any more than he can. He needs professional help to deal with his addiction, and YOU need professional help to deal with the pain.

Again: Stop trying to tough this out alone. It's not helping either one of you. Get to your doctor or go to the emergency room TODAY and let them help you.

Nave,

Listen you have a lot going on. From what I understand from all my reading and research, this is one of the worse things a person can go through. On top of that you recently had a baby which has your hormones so out of whack, heck for all you know you could also be suffering from postpartum depression. It is no wonder you are breaking down and crying like this. Please cut yourself some slack.

This is a very long and painful road you are traveling down. I think you are what 4 months out from d-day VS my 10 months out. I can tell you that those 6 months make a huge difference. I probably would be a whole lot better if I had stayed on this site during that 6 months, but I got scared. I actually was on another site as well, that site seemed more in tune with holding on to the anger, where here the focus is on healing and saving your marriage. On the other site the OW and her H both joined, it was horrible to read what her side was even though I knew it was a lie because I read her e-mails to my H, but because her H was on there she spun a whole fantasy making herself out to be a victim. So I went back to try healing on my own. It did not work, joining back here was the best thing I ever did.

So stay here, continue to post and READ. I cannot stress how much that will help you to heal. Listen to what the veterans on here say, they know what they are talking about.

I would NEVER give anyone my personal info. That was NOT why I wanted to have her contact me off list. I wanted to share something personal that a dear friend went through and though my friend would not mind me sharing with NW, I do not feel comfy with doing so on the board in case someone on here would recognize anything about her story. That would not be right. The e-mail I set up has nothing about me on it. Sadly I learned the hard way when I joined the other site first time out under the name I always use and the OW and her H joined the same site as well. Made it horrible for me. This time around I used the weirdest name I could.

I also would not feel comfy in giving advise that I did not feel was in MB guidelines and those I would do on the boards in case I needed to be corrected.

I just wanted to share a story that might make her feel not so alone in her unique situation, that was all. Seems the rest of us are all dealing with A where our SO cheated with someone of the same sex as us, not with both. I know she feels like she is in a world all her own.

HU, you are very new here. It is safer for navewife for you to post your advice here, where it can be seen. This isn't meant as an insult to you, but it is not wise for you to give a poster off-board advice when you came here only last week.

If that precludes you telling her about your friends experience, then so be it. She will get the MB advice that she sought when she came here by posting HERE.

Navewife.....I recently called the MB radio program and spoke directly to Dr.H and his wife to get their help insight advice...I would suggest you do the same...it is free...the show will be on soon...about 1hr please call right at the top of the hour so you get on the show....they also send you free books and stuff for calling.

I would love to hear Dr.H address your situation to you over the radio....I think he could direct you and help you...it won't be alot different than what we all have said here but truly sometimes we need to hear it from the horses mouth so to speak !

I felt validation after speaking to them.....I have a plan now....and am confident that I can go forward based on that even if it's not what I wanted or what I thought my marriage would be like....I won't die I can make it....it will be tough but I can do it and so can you....my heart just breaks for you....everytime I read your posts...I can't imagine the suffering you are going thur....please call the show today and talk to them.

From my experience it may be longer.

If you look at the release of sex as his drug, like alcohol or a crack pipe it makes quite a bit of sense when there is overwhelming feelings for him his inclination is act out, to get his fix.

This is an addiction fraught with denial and delusion...and I dare say, in many other chemical addictions there is a sex addiction underneath.

BUT, your recovery from living under and in this addictive household does NOT depend on your H getting better. It helps, but you CAN get better even if he doesn't.

You will stay in the addictive cycle unless you get help to. You are too busy to seek an al-anon or COSA meeting, but you will have a hard time living with someone in and out of stages of recovery unless you do.

In my experience, meetings have been more helpful to me than even individual counseling. Please reconsider the time you have available. You are worth it.

I just decided I was tired of driving myself crazy...