Your job is to concentrate on healing yourself and taking care of your babies. To help you get back in control you can establish your boundaries. Actually write them down. What will you not live with? What are the deal breakers? What will you do if he fails to protect you and your M again?

Make them clear in your mind. Write them down and share them with him. It is now HIS job to not overstep these boundaries. And it's your job to maintain them. Healthy boundaries protect us.

I also think it would be a great idea for you to get on the Harleys radio show. I hope you do.

I have set the boundries, its the maintaining the boundries that are getting to me. The paraniod thoughts of having to watch his every move. Im getting soo soo tired. Beat down from it. I feel like my life has no meaning anymore. I feel VERY consumed by all this. I feel like all my life and marriage consists of is taking care of the kids, and making sure he isnt cheating. I cant stand this, could this be a sign that its not going to work??? My life used to be so full, I loved my kids, my husband, my marriage, and used to take such pride in doing the things I had to show them that. However, now. All those things are a job. I love my kids, I DO, but I find myself just doing things I have to just to get through till bedtime, everyday. The rest of my life is consumed with fighting the mind movies,trying to control my anger, checking the gps every 15 min. checking, emails, phonebills, researching the OW, who she is, who her friends are, where she works, ect...Doing reasearch on investigating. People seach sites, to investigate if he has other accounts I dont know of. Checking prices of PI, and Lawyers, investigating my rights should I need to leave, stashing $$ to make an escape plan, should he be the dissapointment he has shown himself to be. All of this consumes me. There is no room for friends, family, myself, or even planning a future. I used to ALWAYS look soooo far ahead, I used to be able to see the future so clear, Now I see NOTHING, nothing but a life sentence of worry, and wonder. I used to be soooooooooooooooo PROUD of my husband, his service, his "loyalty" to me, and now....well frankly I dont think it will be possible to EVER feel pride with him again. Even if we work this out and I stay and things get better, HOW,will I EVER be able to sit back and reflect or even say to anyone.."I HAVE THE BEST HUSBAND EVER" I dont think I will EVER feel that way. I used to alway brag that way, used to always get soooooooooooooo many compliments from EVERYONE, boy your really lucky, he is soooooo good to you , you guys have such a good marriage, I hope I can have what you guys have, ect....Now I still have to hear those things from people I havent told, and its killing me, because, when they speak all I hear is my own voice in my head saying.."if you only knew " . I miss that pride, I miss being able to say , I have the BEST hubby. How can I remain a part of a marriage that I am ashamed of. One that even if he does change, everyone..including myself will always wonder what we dont know. Even if he was faithful for the rest of his days, I think I will ALWAYS doubt it, I will ALWAYS wonder if I missed something, if I am being stupid for staying. Again, you say about boundries and maintaining them, I have done that, IT CONSUMES MY LIFE!! That is my problem, I cant see LIFE at all ALL I SEE ARE THE BOUNDRIES,AND HOW TO POLICE THEM, AND WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WHEN...(AND YES I SAY WHEN) HE FALLS AND STEPS OVER THEM. I just cant figure out how I am going to be in this marriage, and find a LIFE to ENJOY again. The life I have now just is sooo meaningless. I know it sounds pathetic, but it is how I feel.

You are both trying to blast through this and find some way to make it all go away NOW and be all better NOW.

That's not going to happen. It's not how these things work. Even if you got divorced tomorrow and never saw him again, you would have much pain to work through and much healing to come.

The bottom line of what we have been telling you:

1) You need to get to a doc TODAY to get something to take the edge off the pain so you can function. We've all been there and sometimes that's what you have to do. Otherwise you are just going to keep spiraling down, and how does that help your children?

2) He needs to get serious about being treated for his addiction - whatever that takes. He SAYS he'll do that, but then is resistant to actually DOING it.

That's the best we have for you. I think those two things would do a lot to make your lives somewhat easier.

This is not something you can just tough out alone - especially with two young children in the picture. Please stop trying to do that. You are only making things worse for everyone in your home.

I completely understand your need to continue to snoop. I was consumed by it for quite sometime. I also understand the lack of joy in your life and how everything feels like just a chore. There's nothing abnormal with all that. It WILL get better with time.

Maybe to help ease your anxiety level, how about you have him take a polygraph now and then take one in say six months time? And even periodically after that. Right off the bat it would give you all the info you need now and it would help you in the event that he faulters in the future. This way you can still protect yourself without being consumed with the daily craziness of snooping. Cause it WILL drive you insane!! You're feeling it already. I don't blame you at all, I just know that you can't keep it up.

I can't promise that you will feel as you once did even if he does change into a respectable H. I don't and I don't think you will either. But, no matter which way this ends, YOU will recover. YOU will find peace and joy again. Get some meds now. Help yourself get through the worst of this.


((((((navewife)))))

Thanks guys for your advice, unfortunatly I cant go right now to the doc. I have had to already make special arrangements with my employer to come in late every tues so I can go to counseling. I have NO sick or vacation time for the rest of the year from being on maternity so asking off is like asking my boss to cut her own arm off. I have to make any doc appts on tues mornings when my counseling is so I dont have to take any other time off. They are talking about downsizing, so I am really trying hard to not rock the boat there. Also it doenst help having to have military healthcare. Its VERY hard to get an appointment much less actually ask for a certain day and time, so June 15th was the first I could get. I am still not totally sold on the drugs thing, but I am willing to see another doc to get his opinion, since my hubby and I go to the same counselor, I want to see what someone out of the loop has to say. My husband and I were discussing a volunteer topic that was brought up on his thread, but we all do girlscouts with my daughter . We go as a family and stay for all the meetings, help the leader with the troop, go on the trips as a family, do food drives, camping, sent cookies to troops overseas, and planted a garden to earn patches. I think we get alot out of doing girlscouting stuff with our daughter, for one we spend time with her, and also get to do different volunteer things all the time for people in need. My husband has devestated me from what he has done, and yes he has had slip ups with some dumb [censored] things he has done or said. However, that being said, I DO see he is trying. He may be failing alot, but at least he is trying which is more then I can say for some WH that I have seen on this site. I have to give him that I guess. As for his addiction....YES he is doing it. He is going to his counselor, NEVER misses a session, and the meeting thing really has been alot of my fault lately, he will tell me he has a meeting, but then I will have him doing this and that around the house, I may get home late from work, and he will have the kids picked up already, and dinner and homework started and when I get home, I am tired, and usually sad, because being in the car by myself is when my mind races alot. So sometimes I get home tired, sad, angry..ect and then I have to come home and fake some sort of smile for my daughter, then I have to figure out where he is in the nightime routine of things, (has homework been done, table set, laundry done or need put away , baby fed,changed, ect... by the time that all happens sometimes its 700 which is when the meeting starts and it is 20 min away from our house. He is not making excuses, we have a very busy life, and right now I am just not able to keep up with the kids and the house like I used to. I am emotionally drained..I have hardly the desire to do what I am supposed to , I come so close to comming home sometimes and walking to the bedroom and just climbing in. Do you know what stops me....my husband. He always gives me a few min to get in and have a few min to myself, but then he will come back and ask about something so as to make me get up and involved. He is trying hard not to let me slip into a deeper depression then I am already in. I am glad he cares enough to do that. Glad he doesnt hold it against me . Glad he is trying to get us to work as a team. I know if we work as a team again we can make this work, but I am so depressed, I just am having a hard time pitiching in. I cant seem to pull it together. I KNOW THIS WILL TAKE A LONG TIME, I am NOT expecting it to happen NOW, I KNOW THIS WILL BE A LOOOONG PROCESS, that being said, I am trying to figure things out for myself. If I can survive that lenghthy process. Like I said, I really am fixated on knowing if I will EVER reach a point when I am not CONSUMED with what he has done. If I will ever find true joy again, cuz right now everything about me is fake. I smile to put on an appearance and not seem broken. I try to be the happy mommy, my daughter has always known, The only one who sees my true raw emotion is my WH and sometimes, I work hard to keep that at bay, so as not to have an AO. I really do appreciate all your advice, I may not listen to do what I am supposed to all the time, but I do take it in, I am paying attention, I just dont have much in me to always follow advice. Just keeping up with day to day life, is hard for me right now. But please know I am taking it all in so I can eventually use it when I am ready

((((((navewife)))))

This is completely up to you.

For years I was under the assumptions that if I caught him, if I let him know every time he lied or cheated, then he wouldn't do it any longer. That I could control this situation if I just stayed on guard. And this is true for the short term, for someone who has only cheated once or twice...but does NOT work in an addiction such as this.

Think of his obsession/sexualized behavior as his alcohol. Does finding it, pouring it out, or yelling at him about it make him stop? NO! What it does is spin YOUR life out of control. It will consume your life and make the addiction YOUR problem more than it is HIS problem.

I got to the point where I just stopped snooping. He was going to, or not, do it whether I snooped or not. He would just hide it better. And it was making me crazy and wasting my time. I now live my life FOR ME, not for his addiction...

It took me a while to get here. I had to see my part in this addictive cycle. That I had a part I was playing, and really, the snooping became part of his excitement of the addiction.

This is different, like I said before, from someone who cheats once or twice...this is an ongoing game/addiction a couple engages in. What was hard for me to realize was...he was my addiction... I began to disengage and protect myself from his addiction.

navewife, emergency rooms are open 24/7 and you do not need an appointment. They will take care of you and refer you to someone long-term. You will be worth nothing to your job or your family if you do not do something to ease your anxiety and suffering.


Boy, I can relate to that. I thought XWH would care enough that he would not want to wreck what we had - but addicts just don't care. They only get sneakier and, in some cases, nastier.

The point is: You've got to put the burden squarely on naveguy to clean up this mess. Frantically trying to stay one step ahead of him will only finish driving you crazy, and, as StillHere said, will only end in a sick game of cat-and-mouse betwen you and an addict.

And it doesn't work anyway.

Dump that load right at his feet and tell HIM to do the heavy lifting. You cannot do it for him. Look how well that's worked so far.

navewife,
I know you have little time to read alot of this forum, but I recommend going over to the Recovery forum and reading DancesWithGoats thread. Her story is mindboggling. She came here last year after finding out her H was a serial cheater who cheated their ENTIRE 30 yr M with 10s(100s?) of prostitutes, plus an EA/PA for 6 yrs with the same OW. He was also here as GreenMile. They've been off the forum for some time to try to R. He ended up hospitalized from a breakdown. In any case, she has returned. She has been through the gamut as much as anyone I've ever seen here. So if you have a chance...

Hope your day has been better.

Ok, I know and appreciate your concern, However, I am well aware of ER hours and I dont want to go there. I have dealt with this for 4 months now, and so the way I feel is that 3 weeks isnt that long. Im going to wait it out. Yeah, I know its not pretty, Im struggling, but this is what I choose to do. I have NO control over anything else in my life, I cant surrender control so I can go to the ER. I want to be in charge of my own care, but PLEASE know that I DO appreciate your concern and advise. Im not like most people. I have had a very hard life. Abusive childhood, ect...I have always depended on myself and the thought of letting ANYONE make desicions on what happens to me terrifies me. I am going to counseling, and I will be seeing the doc soon enough. I will get it done. As for naveguy, I HAVE put the burden on him. I have already told him I have nothing to give him. I have also told him that I cant even give him guarantees, that 5 years from now I may get tired of fighting the worry and wonder and leave anyway. I love him, but I wont settle. I am just trying to take my time to decided and make sure I am making the right choice. I dont want to leave then regret it, I have the kids to think about, and I refuse to pull them back and fourth. He knows and if FULLY aware of my boundries, and my requirements for him to stay. I have told him to think hard and just leave if he cant deal with any of my demands, but he is still here and working hard. I guess the real answer will lye with how long he can be th is way. Like I said, I am working on the exit strategy, but hoping I wont have to use it, at least I know its there if I need it. Thanks all of you for your thoughts and hugs,Going to TRY to go to sleep now, I am exausted from not sleeping well. Will check in tomorrow

Just dropping in to say hi, not much better, but REALLY busy lately. Having hard time juggling home and work. Going home this weekend to visit family, and I am VERY nervous. Since my family doesnt know and I will have to play the part of happy couple when we are around my family. His family knows, so at least I wont have to pretend when we are there. Just still sick thinking about having to try to fool my parents and family this weekend. NG is still doing everything he can think of to help me but I still cant be happy about any of it, I am numb.:*(

You are very busy and reeling from his abuse. Wny not be thoughtful and CANCEL THE TRIP. You probably could stay home and catch up on stuff instead of a stressful trip where you have to act all fakey.

No cant do that to my daughter, she is very excited about seeing the gramps, also my dad is not in good health and has just scheduled surgry for next month, I am feeling I need to go and find out exactly whats up and give my sister a break. I only will be around my family on saturday during the day only. We have to stay with his parents, because my parents live in a hotel due to a housefire that happend in january. construction hasnt been completed on my parents house yet. So I will only have to fake it during the day saturday, and we have a birthday party to attend, so there will be lots of kids to occupy our time and distract. If we repair this marriage...then I dont want my family to EVER know. My family is NOT the type to forgive, and they will treat him like a parriah if they know what he did. I dont think that will be good support for us to recover. Yes, its very painful to hear the family and friends that dont know still live in the whole, you guys are the best couple phase, but this is what I choose. If I cant live with it, then I will cross that bridge when I get there, but for now, I just cant go there. I am dealing with my own emotions, I cant deal with my families...and trust me, my family is very drama driven and needy, I just cant do it right now. My H and I are going on a motorcycle ride in DC on sunday, so I guess that will count as our UA time. I am just nervouse that I ruin it, cuz I still am not affectionate with him. He kisses or hugs me and I basically just let him, but dont really recpiricate. How can UA time be effective if I am not really into it? I mean I will give it to him, he is really trying, but I just dont think I am at a place where I can just be with him alone and love on him, or even be happy while we are together, I spend most of the UA time just trying to be nice and not make jabs at him or be mean to him. I know I am angry and it will take a long time but is there anything I can do to get the affection back. I love him, but I am not sure if I am still in love with the man I thought I married, or if I love the person I am married to>? Still feel like I am married to a stranger, one I am just getting to know, and not trust yet. Its weird

It may take you 5 years to even begin to trust him. If you ever do again.

navewife,
Early in my R when I was trying to overcome those terrible feelings, I would try hard not to think about my FWH as he was during the time of his A. I tried to think about him at that moment and who he was right then. He was being kind and generous, and I actually felt sorry for him at that point. I saw his remorse and how he was broken. I also tried hard to be nice back. My goal was a R M so I looked for that as my guide. If you can be nice, it'll actually help YOU feel better. At least it did for me. My FWH always commented how he was amazed at how well I did treat him and I believe he fell in love with me all over again because of my behavior during the worst time of my life.

One step at a time. Try to be kind, that's all. You don't have to be lovey dovey. And I understand about not telling your family. Most of mine do not know even now.

In 3 weeks when your load eases a bit, I would suggest doing some brainstorming about ways you can trim your life down to the bare essentials so you're not as stressed from something you *can* control.

Whether it's girl scouts, or whatever, either find a way to have the activities take place in a way that's not so draining for you, or cut them out completely.

You're having such a hard time, and filling every spare second with activities, no matter how worthwhile, is not going to help in the long run.

Well, Neak, In a few weeks a lot of things should be calming down. We go to court next week to finalize our bankrupcy, so that will be one black cloud not hanging so heavy,(Im so worried about the what if's) just be glad when that is done. Then school and scouts will be done for the summer, so that will be more stress lifted, no homework,scout meetings teacher confrences ect..I am hoping summer will bring me a second wind so to speak. We had a yardsale last weekend, and took everything we didnt sell to the salvation army, and a few weeks before that we cleaned our office and took a bunch of stuff to shred. I am trying to go through the house and do the projects that I could never get to on my own because of having to do it all without any help from him. He is pitching in at home, and I am taking full advantage of that. I need some control and order in my life, and I think "cleaning house" is a good way to start that. I really want to start scrapbooks for the kids, but trying to get other projects done first. I like being busy. Being idle and quiet gets me on edge, I have been doing everything so long now, that I dont know how to relax, its just how I have programed myself I guess. Its going to take some time for me to find out how to relax again. Thanks for all your advice once again. I am truely blessed to have found this site and all you wonderful people.

Relaxing is easy to get used to - just start small. Maybe 5-10 minutes at a stretch. When you get that down, try increasing it at 5-minute intervals till you can do about a half hour at a stretch without breaking a sweat.

Try all different kinds of relaxing things - "you" time like tea, hot baths, and good books, couple time (maybe playing Scrabble or Uno - something where you can laugh and joke together without feeling pressured by being...together), a totally unstructured playtime with the kids, like running and playing Frisbee at the park.

If you fill every waking second with action, your body will become exhausted and you'll have a harder time recovering from this. The better you can become at giving your brain and body a break at least once a day, the better you'll heal.

I'm sure glad you found this place!

Well, here I am after a long weekend, and what seems like a longer week. Had to go to bankrupcy court today, so I am a little more frazzled then the norm. All went as well as can be, didnt lose house or vehicles, so I am content with that. At least that is one black cloud not over my head for now. Went on trip to see family this weekend,and did the "rolling Thunder" ride to the wall in DC this past sunday as well. We counted that as our UA time. Did ok, I guess, I tried hard not to be negative while we were together the whole day, and I guess it helped that my cousin was with us, so we had to act normal in front of him. Of course all the secret keeping must have got to me cuz on ride home monday, I let him have it again. Then this morning, he really dissapointed me once agian. Here I am tired from not sleeping good worrying about the bankrupcy hearing, and a bundle of nerves this morning, and he starts rubbing all over me, including the sweet spots, trying to pass it off as "relaxing me' Like I am too stupid to pick up that he is just feeling me up. He has been like that a few days now. constantly touching my butt, boobs, ect...It is getting so old. I am just not ready for ANYTHING sexual with him yet. The thought of sex with him just repulses me right now. I know he said that the MEN were just easier to get oral from and everything, but I believe that is TOTAL BULL!! He had OW who he texted at least 3 times a week,and she even paid for the hotel room when they had sex, so I am sure, that she would have not had a problem, helping him in that area, ease had NOTHING to do with it. Im sure it was curiosity at first, but then to do it 4 more times after that, had NOTHING to do with curiosity in my book. AT THAT POINT, HE JUST LIKED IT AND WANTED IT if you ask me. Which brings me to why I am so hard pressed to figure out how we are going to fix this. How am I supposed to put so much in to a marriage, when if he is a true addict, he will eventually fall off the wagon. I cant do it. I will NEVER do this again, if he slips, its over, forever. That being said...I know it will be a VERY VERY long time before we ever get close to trying to be happy again. Im just getting so frustrated. I cant have sex with him, I can bearly kiss him without wanting to puke. I just dont understand why everything has to revolve around sex. Why cant we focus on Our lives, jobs, friends, family, kids, ect... I dont understand why we cant fix everything else in our lives and just hang up the sex thing a few months. The way I see it, he should be more worried about damage control, and not sex. Sex is what is screwing up everything in his life, why cant he see that, and just ignore it for now, and focus on what needs focused on? I am till so negative, so hateful toward him. How can I love someone that I have so much hate for?? I know he is here and is trying, I see him trying, but right now, it doesnt make me feel secure, I prob will have to see him doing what he is doing for years before even being able to make a sigh of relief. I am sooooooo afraid to allow myself to get comfy. So scared that if I do, he will go back to doing those ugly things. I am terrified. I just dont know how I will get passed this, I am trying, but like I said, my life consists of getting through, taking care of kids, haveing to police my husbands every move. I feel like I am not living anymore, just going through the motions. I really hate this, I wish I could figure this out, I feel like I will feel like this FOREVER:(

Glad I have a place to vent here, has been helping me. Have a busy day tomorrow. Going on a trip with DD girlscout troop, going to be a hot one. Still having issues, but I feel like I am at least controling the anger better. Still having racing thoughts, and very paranoid. I really feel awful mentally. Feel like I am just going through the motions, not really enjoying life, but I figure if I just stick to at least taking care of my responsibilities, maybe the feelings and emotions will follow. I am just so numb now.