Good advice with one caveat.

I do not care to save the marriage anymore. It is unsaveable, she is unchangeable. I took things to the very brink just two weeks ago with the same boundaries. She has made her choice.

I'm doing now what is in my best interest and the children's best interest.

Good for you, schtoop. God Bless.

I see I wasted my time again, didn't I? How does the fact that you are done change a single, solitary word I just said?

p.s. I don't believe you are "done" either. You just posted you were going to a marriage counselor today so your actions don't match your words. I think as soon as she throws you some crumbs, you will back off again as you have before. GROUNDHOG DAY!

Why would you bother going to the MC if you are truly done? With a $7,500 retainer looming wouldn't you be better off saving your money by cancelling MC? By the way, that is a huge retainer. You can find good attorney's that expect half of that amount up front.

To be continued on the divorce board...

Makes sense...
Why go to Plan B when you DESERVE better than your WW. Wo is me, pity me....

Why not just give up because she'll never change? You're right, she'll never change...as long as she has her drink of choice in hand.

What have you done to take the drink of the day away from your WW? Show how stellar life could be without it (Plan A)?

Go D, why do you need a forum though? $7,500.00 to start out should get you what YOU want..

Why?

Because no matter how bad the marriage, once one partner decides to cheat, that's the "get-out-of-marriage-free" card.

Sure, this is Marriage Builders. And for those who want to recover, there is support here.

But where is it written that one MUST recover? It comes down to a personal decision. Schtoop has reached that.

I can understand where schtoop's coming from. But then again, schtoop, if you WANT to save the marriage, then PlanB is in order. If you have truly given up and have NO feelings for WW anymore, then skip PlanB, skip MC, and go to D.

Maybe a few days 'cooling off period' will help.

Think of the kids.

I bet if schtoop got real tough, pushed forward with the divorce, plan B'ed her in the house, but let his WW know the door was cracked if she shaped up and agreed to his PBL conditions, his WW would slowly crawl back through the door. I don't think his WW ever wanted to get divorced. She just needed a massive shove off the fence. Then you can see which side she decides to climb back on.

Either way, he should probably expose this OM to his family and friends and well as his WW to her family, friends, and his children. Then push forward and see what happens. If she comes crawling back and he still doesn't want to stop the divorce, well, that still his perrogative.

OHHHH!! Major mea culpa on my part. I thought exposure had been done! I totally missed that.

Schtoop - you GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA expose.

It is the get out of jail free card. How many BS posting on the SAA forum has this card in their pocket? But here we are.

Schtoop may have reached that point. It is a personal decision, made how long after the latest developments?

A few things, then I will continue this on the D board.

1) I (me, schtoop) do not want to recover any more. My wife has always been somewhat entitled, but all the lying, sneaking, selfish, entitled behavior over the last year has left my love bank permanently withdrawn. This is my choice now and divorce is what I'm choosing. I do not love her and am starting to work toward emotional detachment so that she doesn't even bother me anymore.

2) This may be a giant shove off the fence, but I know how stubborn, prideful, and vindictive she is by nature. There is NO chance she would consider crawling back through the door. I'm sure the deal is just as done on her side of the fence.

3) This decision is as close to final as you can get, and I treated it that way before pushing the button. I am not going to cling to any false hope during the divorce process. I thought my marriage was supposed to be "til death do us part", but found out I couldn't control that once we drifted so far apart. I can control the finality of divorce.

schtoop, I'll be the first one to support you in your decision to divorce. I don't even agree with all the people here who say their vow "for better or for worse" includes sticking with it till death even through adultery. My vows DON'T include that in "for worse," and I don't think anyone else said or meant that, either.

I do think you are lying to yourself a bit if you tell yourself you did everything you could to preserve the marriage. I could be wrong. But that's your call, and your decision. You don't HAVE to do everything you can to preserve marriage to an adulteress.

He did it for OM#1. He just found out about OM#2 this week. That's why he has decided he's done.

Oh, and you need to at least let your oldest know what his mom and dad are divorcing. He is going to be the one most affected by this divorce and your kids need to know what a good example of a functional relationship is, even if it isn't yours.

And again, I ask..'so what'?

Honestly? From my perspective? There will never be an OW#2 in my marriage because if one turned up, I'd be on the D train not more than 30 seconds later.

I do NOT have the intestinal fortitude to recover a M again.

That's me, of course. And it may be Schtoop.

YMMV.

I can state for sure that there will never again be a recovery from an affair in our marriage. I can't guarantee there won't be another affair but I can guarantee there will not be another Plan A and Recovery.

I'm not doing THAT again...

But in our case, we both have MB tools now, so if it happens again, it will be because one of us has decided to stop using the tools. At that point there isn't much point to it anymore.

Mark

Me too

Linus

Schtoop,

The decision is yours, as you know. I support you either way. If you pack your stuff and move to the D boards, keep in touch over here too.

Schtoop,
Sorry I didn't catch this til tonight. I'm sorry about OM#2. I know how you feel, you know my sitch and the resemblances to yours. I certainly can't fault you for going D, if you follow through with that; I'd be a total hypocrite if I did. I also just want to say to make sure you're sure you're sure. To that end, I also wouldn't fault you if you changed your mind, nor would many here, I bet; as long as you commit to doing what needs to be done to address your WW as the WW she is in such a way that you are protecting yourself (e.g. Plan B).

I think I've told you before, Plan B isn't that much different than Plan D except for the goal. Do you really, really, really want out of this marriage? Was there really never a time when it was good? Is there really no chance to get back to that place and even better?

Not trying to give you a hard time, Schtoop. These are questions you will ask yourself everyday for a long time during the D process - I do.

opt