To answer some of your questions:

Yes, I really, really want out of this marriage.

It's not so much that it's OM#2, because what I caught her in was little more than anonymous cyber/phone sex. Couple that with the meeting yet another guy there that she was "sad we didn't have time to get to know each other better, we will have to find a way to get together again". She's not just wayward, she is convinced she's SINGLE again.

I'm not sure the marriage was ever that "good", but also don't know if that's my own fog due to the pain and anger I feel now. I know it hasn't been good in many years.

I know that I loved the idea of having a family that I could be proud of and that kind of blinded me to just how much we had drifted apart. I never even thought about the possibility of divorce (before D-day) because of strength of the family tying us together. I now see it was under this false sense of security that I was not so concerned with actually meeting her EN's. My family was the crowning achievement of my life and right now I am extremely bitter at WW for destroying that.

There is no chance for me to ever regain respect, much less love, this woman again. And, as convinced as I am of this, my wife is even more so. That was actually her position from the start, it just took me 6 months of hell to join her there.

Hey schtoop, some of this definitely sounds familiar to me -- not considering the possibility of divorce, false sense of security, bitterness at WW for the destruction, etc. The introspection and honesty will do you good.


Yes, I have some experience here as well, schtoop. I've read that women typically come to these decisions first, and the man follows up at some point thereafter. I don't know how true it rings, but six months sounds about right. And you know a bit about my sitch and know it's similar to my world.

Six months of hell? Sounds like a fair characterization. Any silver linings? Anything you truly value from the experience and only wish to characterize it in the category of "all that you can't leave behind"? You want out and the momentum carrying you in that direction is material. Where do you want to go? I have found that the momentum is more effective if you are not merely trying to escape something (or someone), but have some vague concept of what your destination might look like.

TBC

This is really helpful, TBC.

I have put some thought into what my destination might look like. First, I'm actually looking forward to a simpler existence (that's all I will be able to afford, anyway). The amount she spends on cable TV, internet, Wii systems, games and movies galore, her scrapbook equipment, rooms full of toys that are rarely used, expensive trips, 52" flatscreen, all that will change and I'm looking forward to it.

Me and the boys will just have to amuse ourselves with actual activities and outdoor play rather than coexist in front of the TV.

My brother has been divorced for a couple of years now and claims he's happier than he's ever been in his life. He gets his share of time with his daughters and is a devoted father, yet has time for himself also. He will be a tremendous support and someone to model myself off of.

I also look forward to strengthening existing friendships and developing new ones. I have always been fairly reserved in that aspect, not trying very hard to cultivate my own friendships and just going along with the social activities and people my wife pulls into our world. I think I can grow a lot by developing my own social circle better.

I also learned a great deal from our MC. I have never allowed myself to feel or acknowledge my own emotions, which carried over to an inability to empathize with others. The awareness and techniques he's taught me have already paid off big time in my relationship with my oldest son, who is quite emotional by nature.

Glad I could be of some assistance.

There seems to be quite a few of us that are simultaneously seeking seets on the 'D-Train'. Window or aisle????

It's good to see repeatedly use the term 'forward'. It will, indeed, help you as you continue your journey.

I have heard others talk about a degree of happiness, post-D, then ever experienced previously. I definitely make note of those comments, but always refer back to the disclaimer that every person is different and every relationship is different. I guess the bottom line is that there are no guarantees, okay?

I do see what you're saying, though.

TBC

Wow. I don't know how I ended up reading your story this morning, but I did. I am new (again) to the board but was here about 7 years ago after a 2nd D-day when I was flailing. I didn't stick around, but wish I would have. Your story has inspired me and I needed it today. Thank you for being brave enough to share it.

I hope things turn out well for you. You've definitely been through some rough stuff. I admire you for the approach you've taken and can honestly say that I would be taking the same road you have now chosen if I were in your shoes.

Good luck to you and your children. I wish you much happiness.

Schtoop,
I give you a lot of credit here for your self-awareness and honest assessment of the situation that is/was your marriage. It sounds to me like MB has helped you retain as much control as possible in a very chaotic environment (wife being wayward) and with that control you've managed to learn as much as possible and grow as a human. Toward the old self-actualization if I remember right from some psych classes in college.

I reviewed the first few pages of your thread - sorry, as you'll see, once separation occurred I have much less time on my hands, which has been nice in some ways. I couldn't get through the whole thread but it's uncanny the similarities that come up with us BH's. Almost wonder if it's cultural.

Well, if my journey continues to be similar at all, you have some relief to look forward to. Getting away from a wayward, especially having given it your all, is quite refreshing. There are plenty of other struggles, you know that. But at least you'll always know, bottom line, she chose to cheat; you didn't.

opt

Thanks, Opt.

I went back and re-read your thread and we do have a lot in common. Your comments, along with several others on this board, have been very helpful and I hope you continue to bring them.

In our final confrontation and decision to divorce, I told her she is now free to go when and where she will, see whoever she wants, as long as it does not come near the house or the kids. Curiously, her lawyer seems to have said something similar.

Last night I found her second affair phone in her purse (one that I have been searching for weeks on end). I knew she purchased it two or three months ago, as I found the receipt. She told me at the time that she had been tempted to use it, but instead gave it to a friend. I knew she was gaslighting at the time, but couldn't prove it. Now I know 100% that she has been wayward the whole time with no intention of trying. Makes the whole decision that much easier.

Hey schtoop.

Sorry about your sitch, but I think reading this last sentence helps. If that is, indeed, the truth, then that's a good thing.

Funny, but I had never heard the term 'gaslighting' until I found MB. Now I have a much more clear understanding of it.

"No intention of trying". Yeah, that makes marital R a little tough, doesn't it? I mean, how much water can Gunga Din truly really carry before getting utterly fatigued and flummoxed?

TBC

Following a bunch of your stories...betrayed men and women....and I seem to see a common thread leading to purchasing a ticket on the D express.

It's not so much the affair/infidelity itself. It appears to be the purposeful deceit and the fence sitting/cake eating. When the BS eventually discovers the wayward is in this only for his/herself, well then the D train beckons.

Can't blame you one bit.

Exactly the situation Plan B was designed to cope with.

I disagree. Maybe during an A and maybe the first A. The second, third, fourth...and so on? The continued lying, etc?

That is truly the "get out of marriage free" card.

OH, I believe that the first affair gives the BS the get of of marriage free card. It can be played at any time up until the time you begin to use it as leverage.

We'll debate this someplace else at a later time, if that's alright...

Mark