So - even though we have traditionally shared our money, I should cut her off from both my income (makes sense) AND "our" liquid savings / cash?

A few months ago I moved a "substantial" sum of money out of our joint account into an account of my own. This temporarily shook her up, but she still has the same access I have to the majority of our funds. I have considered moving a bit more money into "my" account, and changing my check to be deposited to "my" account.

But...

Theoretically, the money in the joint account is OURS. She could do the same thing to me that you are suggesting - and if she did I would immediately contact an attorney and off to divorceland we'd go. What's to stop her from doing the same?

For ME to feel reasonable about this, I have trouble justifying taking money away from her that she could argue is just as much hers as it is mine. Money that - if this were a divorce - that I would expect a judge to tell us to split evenly.

OK so SHE puts money in this account??

If she doesn't ADD to this account! Then you need to put EVERYTHING in YOUR account.

If she does add money to this account, then take only YOUR money and put it in YOUR account. Only leaving HER money! Then take your name off this "joint account" So it is only her's to worry about, not yours.

If you are worried then leave her some money in the joint account, and say I left you some money that I think is only fare, then TAKE YOUR NAME OFF that account, and let her know you wont be ADDING to the joint account to help her support her A's.

Tell her that, that account is her's now, and you took your name off.

Yes - my wife does and has for years - put money into this joint account. Even during years that she was a stay at home mom and wasn't contributing financially, she was still contributing to the marriage.

This was our ONLY account for 14.5 years of marriage until I recently opened my own account - which I'm currently only using to hold the "decent" sum of money that I transferred several months ago.

Sapphire - have you ever had a joint account? How do you know what belongs to who when - during the good years - you never felt the need to keep things separate?

Yes we had a joint account, and as soon as my husband found about about the A he opened up another account, and put EVERYTHING in the new account. Right now we do not have a joint account, because it has only been 5 months since our recovery, I am in now hurry to get back on his account since I have my own business and have a separate account for me. We are doing GREAT financially, and it has been awesome!

Since you were both adding to this account I would only take 40% of everything, let her know that you left most of it to her, to be fair.

Otherwise, get your name out and do NOT add anything to that account.

If you have bills taking money in that account, switch them NOW! Make sure you are not paying anything for her A, my husband did that, he made sure that nothing was taking out of that account bill wise.

Let her know, you took all the bills that you will be paying for such as mortgage, your phone bill, etc, that you are no longer paying for HER bills, and you switched it to your account.

I dont know if this helps, all I know is that my husband was not going to support me and my A while we were still married.

Well, if you are OK with her spending your money on OTHER MEN...hold onto being 'reasonable'.

The thing is...if she had a gambling addiction would you protect the family finances? If she were buying drugs...would you protect the family finances?

You have an OBLIGATION to protect the family finances from the clutches of an addict. If she is using family money to fund her escapades you need to protect FAMILY money.

There are horror stories on this site about how WS went through tens of thousands of dollars funding their activities. It pushed families into bankruptcy...foreclosures..and homelessness.

So what if she gets mad...so what..

Man up ..and do the right thing.

committed

Sapphire - gotcha - thanks.

Sorry if I sounded a bit snippy before - I know you are just trying to help and I really do appreciate it.

There are times when I probably need a swift kick in the [censored].

But there are also times when I just wish I had someone's ear and to know that I'm not the only person dealing with this.

You are not alone! Trust me on that!

Have you decided on what your going to do about financing her A's?

What is your next plan?

Will you take your name off that account? And move all of your "Family" bills to your account?

The next thing I need to do is get control of the bills.

One of the few things that she does for "our marriage" is that she is in charge of paying the bills.

I need begin changing e-mail and billing information on accounts that are specific to me, the house and the children.

When I set up my own account months ago I proposed doing this, but never followed through. She became very emotional about it because its just about the only thing she does for "us" on a consistent basis. If I get that reaction again, then it will only be a nice side effect.

I would like to give her a list of what I need or require before she can move back home. This list will document and reinforce my request to her for openness and transparency.

Then, if I'm still not getting the right response, I will move additional dollards into "my" account, but leave about half of our shared funds in the joint account. I will change where I am depositing my check, and change the password on "our" e-mail account so that I'm the only one with access to billing information and start taking things over.

GOOD PLAN!



If she does this again, tell her you are protecting the family, and if she doesn't like it, then she can either meet your terms of transparency and move back in, if not then she has NO SAY on what you are going to do.

Transfer ALL bills TODAY! Don't wait, and do not tell her when you are doing it, or actually don't even tell her you ARE doing it!

One more thing my husband suggested....

It takes about a month to cycle through the bills, so like I said in the other post...DO IT NOW! DO not wait, it will take that long to get everything in order, where all the bills are coming out of YOUR account.

I completely understand how you feel in every way. I also understand the fear. Technically, yes, she has rights to the joint accounts. But you have to understand that by moving the funds, you�re taking a stand against an addiction. She is addicted to flirting with men online.

She is doing all the same junk my ex did to me. Have you been told that nothing is going on? Have you been told that you could look all you want but that you wouldn�t find anything?

Well, it was all lies. I found out by using a keylogger. There was nothing innocent about what was happening.

My greatest regret looking back is that I didn�t take more steps to defend the institution of marriage because of fear of angering her. But it is an issue of pride.

The first thing I should have done was put a password on all the computers so that only I could access them.

The finances should have been protected. Why? Because you want to save the marriage and obviously would share the resources if she returns. She, however, is wayward and not responsible and likely to clean you out to support herself and her addiction to other men. I was cleaned out by my ex when I maintained a joint account because I never thought she�d do such a thing. Well, she did.

The difference between the two of you in terms of money is that she would take it and run while you would take it to protect it and to cut off her ability to fund her addiction.

You put the burden on her to carry on her own crazy lifestyle. She wants internet access? Then she needs to pay for her own provider, cell phone, housing, etc. You, as a responsible husband with some degree of pride, will not willingly fund such things. You�re also giving her a taste of what she needs to do for herself when she�s single. She wants to act single, then have at it. Let her do it.

Cutting off her funds has a lot more to do with ending the cake eating, establishing boundaries, and ending the affairs. In other words, you�re calling her bluff. She wants the best of both worlds. Taking this step lets her know you�re dead serious about ending the affair. It establishes boundaries.

She will answer that you�re just trying to control her. You can simply respond that you�re doing what you need to do to save the marriage. If she wishes to act single, then you have no obligation to support her and she can support herself.

All of this calls her bluff and she either comes back to the marriage or lawyers up and you move forward. But it ends the fence sitting.

I completely understand how you feel in every way. I also understand the fear. Technically, yes, she has rights to the joint accounts. But you have to understand that by moving the funds, you�re taking a stand against an addiction. She is addicted to flirting with men online.

She is doing all the same junk my ex did to me. Have you been told that nothing is going on? Have you been told that you could look all you want but that you wouldn�t find anything?

Well, it was all lies. I found out by using a keylogger. There was nothing innocent about what was happening.

My greatest regret looking back is that I didn�t take more steps to defend the institution of marriage because of fear of angering her. But it is an issue of pride.

The first thing I should have done was put a password on all the computers so that only I could access them.

The finances should have been protected. Why? Because you want to save the marriage and obviously would share the resources if she returns. She, however, is wayward and not responsible and likely to clean you out to support herself and her addiction to other men. I was cleaned out by my ex when I maintained a joint account because I never thought she�d do such a thing. Well, she did.

The difference between the two of you in terms of money is that she would take it and run while you would take it to protect it and to cut off her ability to fund her addiction.

You put the burden on her to carry on her own crazy lifestyle. She wants internet access? Then she needs to pay for her own provider, cell phone, housing, etc. You, as a responsible husband with some degree of pride, will not willingly fund such things. You�re also giving her a taste of what she needs to do for herself when she�s single. She wants to act single, then have at it. Let her do it.

Cutting off her funds has a lot more to do with ending the cake eating, establishing boundaries, and ending the affairs. In other words, you�re calling her bluff. She wants the best of both worlds. Taking this step lets her know you�re dead serious about ending the affair. It establishes boundaries.

She will answer that you�re just trying to control her. You can simply respond that you�re doing what you need to do to save the marriage. If she wishes to act single, then you have no obligation to support her and she can support herself.

All of this calls her bluff and she either comes back to the marriage or lawyers up and you move forward. But it ends the fence sitting.

Lostdads - I'm very interested in what you found your wife was actually doing.

I struggle sometimes believing that this "normal" affair stuff applies to my situation. But the more I read, the more I think although my situation may be a bit different, the solution is the same.

Do you think she ever did anything physical, or was it all internet activity? Do you think she actually had an addiction that could have been treated?

If you don't feel comfortable answering here, can you PM me or something?

Thanks.

niceguy, with all due respect, there is nothing "reasonable" about enabling the destructive, adulterous lifestyle of your wife. You are the "loving" spouse who buys heroin for the heroin addict or drives the alcoholic to the bar. There is nothing reasonable about enabling destructive behavior.

Your instincts about this whole debacle have been about the worst I have seen in my 9 years on this forum. You seem to not be willing to do ANYTHING - ANYTHING - to save your marriage. For you to set up an apartment for your cheating wife and enable her in such a bizarre way makes me seriously wonder if you really do want to save your marriage.

I am not saying this to be mean, but from an objective outside observer, it is shocking to see a spouse enable his spouse to this degree.

Sorry to disappoint you Melody. Guess maybe God didn't create us all equal after all!!!

With all due respect, you don't know me and I don't know you.

With all due respect, to think that there is a cookie cutter pattern - one-size-fits-all way to fix EVERY marriage seems a bit simple minded to me. Sometimes I wish I was living in a simple black and white world, but mine seems to have many shades of grey and all kinds of other colors. Very few things in my world are "either / or".

As for enabling - I'm not arguing. Do you have any weaknesses? If not, why did your DH stray? When your weaknesses are challenged do you simply "Man-up" and "grow a pair?" Is your life really that easy, or are you that just damn good? And if you ARE that damn good, maybe your lessons will be too advanced for a simple man like me.

Fifteen years of marriage earns me some kind of credit. You seem to have formed a very strong opinion about my 38 year old life by the 1,000+ words I've typed here so far. That's fine. If 50 people read my posts, there will be 50 different opinions on how I'm handling things.

And, at the end of the day, I know that the most important opinion of all is my own.

And also, not to be mean, but I don't really see anything constructive or helpful in you last post. People come here for help, right? If I was Mr. Perfect, I wouldn't be here, right? People come here feeling beat up - and THAT'S your pep talk?

Mel is getting tired of seeing the same pattern over and over with BHs, methinks.

Heck, with BSs in general.

Then maybe Mel - who seems to be completely recovered - needs another hobby.

I just hope she doesn't volunteer for a suicide hotline...

Niceguy, my marriage has recovered. Yours is not. I saved my marriage using the tactics recommended around here. My best thinking screwed up my marriage just as yours has screwed up yours.

You say that your "opinion" is important but it has sure not helped your marriage.

Your wife is currently living an adulterous lifestyle AT YOUR EXPENSE. The opinion that contributed to THAT is not an opinion I would value. And neither should you.

If that is the result of your best thinking, then how can you not question your tactics?

Surely you have to recognize that your best thinking is leading you absolutely nowhere. Folks want to help you here, but if you can't be honest about your ineffective tactics at the direction of people who have saved their marriages - PEOPLE WHO WANT TO HELP YOU - then you are not going to make it, my friend.

You are shooting at the rescue helicopters.

OK, I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but my husband actually bought two books to help him "man up" if you wanna call it...the books are called.....

"No more Mr.s Nice guy"

and

"Hold onto your nuts"

I laughed so hard when I found them...after he exposed that is...I wasn't laughing!! HAHAHAHAA!!