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#2394264 06/22/10 12:18 PM
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My wife left over a month ago, I've been trying to open up and work with me at all. She said she needed space, then she said she didnt want to work on it at all, refused MC, Now she says she doesnt love me anymore and wants a divorce. i've been told on MB101 that shes giving me all the speech of a wayward, but i've snooped all i could, and have come up with nothing. I've came out and asked and shes denied it, i believe her 100%. I understand this is an affair board but maybe someone here can help me. I think my wife's affair is with herself. I need advice on how to coax her out of keeping up her defenses, and at least attempting to work on things with me.

We've been married 11 months now, we're 24(me) and 23(her), have been in a relationship for the better part of 8 years. We've had a very happy relationship but recently with the stresses of being laid off 3 separate times, and attempting to go back to school, i have let her emotional needs fall apart. I feel SO hopeless with things right now, and I want to do everything i possibly can to fix our marriage. I love her completely, and i'm working as hard as i can to fix myself to move forward with fulfilling her emotional needs. I'm hurting so horribly bad from this and its the most difficult thing i've ever been through.

I realize i've made mistakes but i want to reconcile my marriage, I'm ready to put in any work i have to, but she is being compeltely unwilling to do anything. Help me, please.

stevmile #2394285 06/22/10 12:40 PM
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24 minus 8 = 16

Have you finished your education?
Are you looking for a job, or for a career?

Besides trying to restore your young marriage, what OTHER life goals do you have?

Tell us a little more about yourself.

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stev,

Have you read all the way through this site's Basic Concepts?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Like i said, i've been laid off 3 times over the past few years. I had decent jobs in construction and for the big 3 for a while. We moved back in with my mother since then, and i decided to go to school to become an Engineer, so i've been going to school full time for 1.5 years now, unemployed, trying to get a job... (Detroit kind of sucks for that right now, i am trying though) This past semester things really fell apart, i took way too many classes, and none of them were easy by anystretch , Pre-calc, chem, physics, economics, and English Comp 2. I wanted to get things done faster so i could eventually start my career, and give us financial security. This was a huge mistake, and was very stressful on me, between that and us living at my parents house (neither of us liked that at all) She also got laid off, ~4 months ago, but found another job in her field relatively quickly with a better job title, but she still hates that field. Her biggest complaint is she feels like she is taking care of me, and things are not 50-50, I agreed with her, and said i want to take care of eachother and do the things that i should have been doing all of this time... She says its too late. (shes not just speaking of financially, shes talking emotionally too.)

stevmile #2394292 06/22/10 12:51 PM
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Yes, i have. I've read everything. I just don't know how to do as it says, 'throw an olive branch' when she is completely dead set against working on things at all.

stevmile #2394330 06/22/10 01:39 PM
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And yes, i understand we were young going into things but things just... worked, and they worked well. I assumed they would keep working like they were, but they did not, and i realize my mistake in this. And now things are at the point of breaking i think... Shes reclusive to me, and will not talk... and all i can do is worry about where things are headed.

stevmile #2394398 06/22/10 03:28 PM
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Stev,

""but i've snooped all i could, and have come up with nothing.""

What have you done? think

Checked the phone records? Put a GPS gadget on her car, showing you where she goes when she is not at work? Put a voice activated recorder in her car or at her new place, by the phone. Searched her computer for other email accounts, facebook, myspace, adultfriendfinders??

Have you driven by her new place at different hours of the day and night, checking to see if her car is there or a different one is parked there next to hers?

So she is employed and her paycheck is paying the rent at the new place? So living with your folks was that terrible that she took a hike??

Needing her space is the key give away that there is more to this than meets the eyeball. I say snoop as hard as you can.....what else you got to do?? rotflmao Sorry, not that funny I know.

There is that pesky VOW too, for better or worse, richer or poorer..that she seems to have forgotten.

Her actions and words are those of a wayward. TOTALLY!! Snoop harder. Sometimes the BS does not snoop that hard because down deep they don't want to find anything.

Also waywards lie bigtime. So when you ask her, of course she will deny.

Is she slimming down and taking better care of her appearance? New clothes? New hair style?

What do her friends say about it?

Good luck brother.

kirk


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
krusht #2394421 06/22/10 04:27 PM
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The place she moved into was a place that we bought with our tax returns... we were moving in there because we hated it at my parents. She did this in the middle of the moving process, and just last week dropped off my things from the place.

I have accesss to her e-mails, facebook, bank account, phone, i've driven by the place, i've stopped by randomly, i did look through it before she took my key, nothing.

Her friends say she is being honest, and that shes just tired of me not taking care of her emotions, they don't have a reason to lie to me.

no new clothes, no new hair style, no taking better care of her appearance. nothing different. Not even anything different with what she does, besides spend time with me.

What can i do besides spy on it? I hate having nothing to DO about it. I hate the feeling of sitting back and watching things fall apart, and i cannot assume she is going to 'wake up', but i do not know how to bring her back towards me instead of away from me.

I'm not trying to seem like i'm in denial about anything, The only evidence i have is her attitude and her word, which i'd like to say i can trust somewhat.

stevmile #2394437 06/22/10 04:49 PM
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Wow stev, since you both bought the place why was she the only one to move in. Did you both sign the papers or lease? What gave her the right to move in and not you? Just curious how this came about? You may have a right to be there if you have no signed separation agreement. At this stage it seems you need to plan A and that's tough to do when you're living apart.


Don't pray for God to guide your footsteps unless you are willing to move your feet


Me BH 55, WW 40, M 12 yrs, 3 Boys 19, 10 & 8.
Separated Sept 08
DDay Dec 08
Plan A Mar 09
Plan B 16 Nov 09
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I most likely do have the right to be there. This first started she said she just wanted a little space, so she moved out there while we were still painting... I kept bothering her, and i brought up that i could live there if i wanted, she freaked out, called people in my family to get me out and took my key. IF we could talk honestly i think things would improve... but i'm being completely sidelined.

stevmile #2394451 06/22/10 05:17 PM
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Originally Posted By: stevmile
I most likely do have the right to be there. This first started she said she just wanted a little space, so she moved out there while we were still painting... I kept bothering her, and i brought up that i could live there if i wanted, she freaked out, called people in my family to get me out and took my key. IF we could talk honestly i think things would improve... but i'm being completely sidelined.



redflag


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
ElunaInNC #2394463 06/22/10 05:55 PM
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explain that please?

stevmile #2394470 06/22/10 06:10 PM
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Why would she want you out of a house that you both planned to live in together? Was buying this place a goal for both of you?

Her freaking out because you offered to live there screams something is wrong that she does not want you to know about. That is why I put up a red flag.


She has all the signs of a wayward.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
ElunaInNC #2394482 06/22/10 06:26 PM
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We had planned it for a while, and planned to live there together, like i said, i had my stuff there before she dropped it off.

I know she has all the signs, but without proof, i cannot do anything about that.

How can i get through to her to understand things, i mean... Shes threatening to move out of state and change her name if i keep bothering her about things.

I'm desperate for help with this, wait-and-see is only making things worse, i think. I want to save our marriage, our relationship is something that i have always held as my number one priority. And even if she is wayward, i would still love her like nothing else.

stevmile #2394588 06/22/10 09:02 PM
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Stev,

I would be SHOCKED if she doesn't have an OM and isn't in an affair, at least emotionally. All the important signs are there--refusing to engage you in conversation, emotional withdrawal, refusing to explain, moving away, impeding your physical access, etc.

Women very RARELY separate unless they have someone else on the side to run to (physically and/or emotionally). Her denials mean absolutely nothing. Every BH here has been told those same lies by his WW when he asked her directly. You must discover the affair in order to expose it, you must expose it in order to break it, and you must break it in order to make recovery possible. She's not going to listen to you or communicate openly with you as long as she has an OM on the side meeting her ENs.

You need to find out asap. Get back in that place of yours.


xWW:
Secret LTA w/ thrice married OM at her workplace; EA/PA starts ~ 2005-6
Files & completes D - 2007, OM/OMW#3 D - 2007, Affairage - immediately thereafter
Disappears in 2006 w/o even a goodbye to anyone, Never a paragraph of real truth ever spoken
Me/xBH:
M "for life", Suspicions (denied) & desperate Plan A latter-half '06
1st D-day 1/07, full truth D-day 7/08 (all via 3rd parties)
NC w/ xWW 8/08-date, better off w/o unrepentant vileness, betrayal, & rampant deceit in my life anymore
SDCW_man #2394698 06/23/10 07:00 AM
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I dont think my marriage is going to work at all. Shes refusing to talk to me anymore. Doesn't want to hear what i have to say. I might have an idea now who the affair might be, but i honestly have no proof of anything, and i do not believe it is physical, yet.. I feel trapped and like there is absolutely nothing i can do but wait for her to hand me papers, i hate this completely.

The possible OM is a friend of both of ours who has been in a bad relationship for a while, and recently left his girlfriend, and i just found this out. He has been 'helping' me try to get her to talk to me, but i'm afraid i was shafted in the process.
I went over there yesterday and he was there watching movies with her, shes never shown any sign of attraction to him at all, even after we've been separated, but i think he has been giving her advice that has been sabotaging our relationship now.

Do you think that it is too late?
What can i do now that she will not talk to me at all?
She has said she does not want me around the house at all and shes suggested calling the poliece if i do.

Please, I want my marriage to work, and I am so afraid that it will not now. She says she plans to file as soon as she has the money to. She seems to have a complete disregard of my feelings at all, and has said 'this isn't that emotional for me.'

stevmile #2394758 06/23/10 08:55 AM
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Quote:
The possible OM is a friend of both of ours who has been in a bad relationship for a while, and recently left his girlfriend, and i just found this out. He has been 'helping' me try to get her to talk to me, but i'm afraid i was shafted in the process.
I went over there yesterday and he was there watching movies with her, shes never shown any sign of attraction to him at all, even after we've been separated, but i think he has been giving her advice that has been sabotaging our relationship now.


There's your guy. I'll bet my house payment on it. You have two avenues for spying now - check out both of them. Keep an eye on his place and hers and document when you see them together.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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EXPOSE!!! Even if you don't have proof, him being over there with a married woman is proof enough!

EXPOSE to EVERYONE!

stevmile #2394774 06/23/10 09:12 AM
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Quote:
i honestly have no proof of anything, and i do not believe it is physical, yet..


And I can pretty much promise you that it is. Sorry frown


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Yup it IS a PA SORRY !! frown marital is right!

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