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obr, your wife should not be FOREWARNED about the affair. This is not about "opening up" to your family together. This is about picking up the phone and exposing the affair to your family and asking for their help. She should not know in advance. That will ruin the exposure.

Make a list of exposures and start making phone calls. It is best to get it done immediately all on the same day.

Do you have the name and contact info of the OM's parents? That is an excellent exposure.

And if any of your exposure targets say something stupid like "ok I will keep this a secret!!" Tell them nononnono!! Secrecy is what helps affairs thrive, so don't do that! Ask them to use their persuasion to influence your WS to end her adultery.

orb,

Don't fool yourself, they've had sex.

My advice to you:

You have no kids with this woman. There's tons in the world who have decent morals. Dump the cheater. There's nothing to save. She has cheated on you, you have no kids. Why save this mess?

Yes, I know you love her. But the question is, do you love the idea of who you think she is or do you love who she actually is?

You're young. You leave her now, there is no baggage. She can carry on with her idiocy while you move on.

Now, that being said:

Regardless of whether or not you want to save this, you must expose. Not tomorrow. Not in a few hours. Immediately.

You must call her family and tell them what you know. She'll be furious. That's expected. She'll tell you there is no chance to save things anymore.

Fine. Exposue ends the fantasy.

I would man up and have a heart to heart with this man. Get a lawyer and file an alienation of affection lawsuit against him if you're in a state that allows that.

Granted, I say that to you with the idea that you wish to save things. But trust me when I tell you that you'll forever have it in the back of your head that she cheated on you.

Again, don't fool yourself, if her feelings are as strong as she says, then she has had sex with him.

They've either done it in the office, his car, her car, a hotel, on a lunch break, but it's happened. You'd be foolish to believe it hasn't.

Trust us, we've seen your situation a million times.

Again, bottomline: No kids + short marriage + young = bail.

There are TONS of fantastic women out there. They are awesome when they're in their late twenties and early thirties. Maturity kicks in and they are real women for the most part.

Regardless of what you do, you must expose.

I cannot emphasize the importance of this enough, obr! You do not have the luxury of waiting since you have already tipped your hand. If the affairees have an inkling of your plan, they will pre-empt you and spin you as a nut job. Then when you do call, the target will not listen to you.

You might to even write up a letter and take it up there yourself and hand deliver it. Or perhaps, get it in the mail TODAY and have it overnighted and sent certified. They would get it tomorrow.

What the company's policy is is immaterial. Send the letter. Any company that gets a letter to all the higher-ups with the words "use of company time to further their affair" and/or "potential sexual harassment" will sit up and take notice.

I'm shocked that her 'boss' doesn't want to get in the middle. She's IN the middle, by virtue of this employee relationship. I'm amazed that she doesn't see the potential ramifications to HER and her job, for being aware of this threat to her company and choosing to not involve herself.

There doesn't need to be contact for a sexual harassment suit. Even saying the wrong thing to someone can leave a person liable for sexual harassment.

And here's the kicker: the suit can be brought by anyone in the workplace who feels the A has adversely affected them, job-wise. It's not just the OW.

You're considering using it??? Why haven't you done this already??? Your WWs boss is sweeping it under the rug, just like we said would happen if you contact one person. And verbally, yet??

obr, follow the plan to kill this A! Ignore it and you could lose your M! What in the world are you waiting on? For them to come to their senses? Ain't gonna happen, friend. They're addicted to each other. Common sense went bye-bye quite a while ago.

I'm not having much luck gathering email addresses. I've only snooped out her boss's. Would self delivered letters to the front desk or snail mail be best? Does it matter?

MB, this is very often the reaction of a direct supervisor. This is WHY I always say to send the letter to a KEY VP, one other company official in addition to the supervisor. The supervisor is often protective of the employee and might throw away the letter and keep it hush hush. Sending the letter out to several ppl eliminates that possibility.

That letter was developed by Brits Brat, who is a corporate atty for a top oil and gas company in the US; she specializes in these kind of issues.

How about hand delivering them?

Have a courier hand-deliver them and get a signed delivery receipt. That makes it more official and you have a record that they actually received your letter.

This is a great idea!

Why don't you call the front desk and say "May I get the address of your Vice-President?" or President, or CEO - why haven't you just called the company?

Send the letter via registered mail, so they have to sign for it. Let them no you take this seriously enough to take the time and effort to do that. I wouldn't bother with email. Way too easy for it to 'get lost'.

Her boss may have canceled your meeting under the advise of their legal dept if she tried to clear it beforehand. They'll try to make this situation go away. At the same time, your WS may get a tip and react to counter your efforts. This is a race against the clock. Don't wait.

Most companies will cringe at the situation of having an HR person involved in an A with an employee. This is like having the Controller steal money or the head of security trespassing. The company is at risk of a law suit. With enough pressure, the company may fire one or both of them to avoid legal costs. He is more likely to be fired being a man and having influence in the company HR policies.

Wayward do stupid things due to their addiction. I'd take it as a given that they have used company resources to conduct their A. I bet the company may find some juicy stuff if they look into their mailboxes and documents. Let them prove otherwise if they're willing to investigate. Additionally, co-workers may already suspect something is up with them so someone may snitch on them when the rumor spreads.

Listen to the excellent advice you are receiving. This is your family you are trying to save. Time is of the essence. MB is a proven methodology to fight an A but remember that R is a very narrow path. Your urgent action can make a difference.

--ElCamino72

I wouldn't count on this. Typically the subordinate gets the ax, or the person lowest on the hierarchy/least amount of time on the job.

In the world of law firms, the person lowest on the totem pole isn't fired, but given a ginormous settlement to keep it all hush hush. Attorneys are VERY afraid of being sued or having their firms exposed at any kind of hanky panky. I've seen it happen several times in my career. Not sure how it goes in the corporate environment.

obr, it looks like you are online. Have you put your exposure plan in to motion yet?? Can you give us your exposure list?

I came home early so that I can get letters printed and put together. Tomorrow is the soonest this can happen now. They are shut down in 14 min for the night, probably already shut down.

I just got a question out to general info asking for office mailing addresses to the VP/CEO (nice guy, I've met him) and the VP of Human Resources. Those are my two targets. I may send one to my wife's boss as well. Not sure if that would do any good.

I'm going to have to deliver these myself and have reception inner-office them. That's by far the fastest way. She'll be home before I can do anything else and we're going to be at a marriage seminar for 2.5 hours tonight.

All this aside I'm having a hard time not developing expectations. She had a good day from about 11am Sunday until now. I feel like I'm rewarding the fog lifting with trouble. I KNOW BETTER. Just sharing the emotional side of this. It's very disorienting. I'm an honesty person and deception is rough on me. I've made a number of mistakes so far, but a solid number of good choices too. Thanks for the help. Except maybe @helpthelostdads. I'm just kidding. Hearing the ugly side is probably good for me. I maintain hope. I'm not an endless fountain of it, but I maintain it for now.

It's clich�, I know, but how could you ever put your trust and love into a marriage again? If this doesn't work out, I don't know if I'd bother trying again.

You could also read the code in this text. I think she is actually taking about herself here.

(Translated in WW speak)
Even if I find that the OM/Affair is not for me, at least I will have learned something about myself, tried a new lover, and freed myself from the rut that often comes from a "comfy" marriage. I'll be that much closer to finding out what I want, even if it is to learn that maybe I;m OK with my boring marriage.

I know it is scary, but her fog is not lifting ..AT ALL. That is impossible until all contact ends with her OM. I want you to keep in mind that the goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid her wrath at all costs. Men, especially, get confused about the goal.

Secondly, it will be important to get all your exposures done TOMORROW on the same day. Don't drag this out. Get it over in one fell swoop so you have only one EXPLOSION to recover from instead of several. Get this done so you can move onto the next steps.

Call her parents, tell them about the affair and tell them you are trying to save your marriage. Ask them for their advice. <----this seems to motivate relatives and friends to invest in your cause. Ideally, they will call your wife.

If they don't call your wife, you will need to tell her yourself tomorrow night that you have exposed her to everyone.

And obr, do this right. Make this as widespread as possible in order to make it effective. A little of this and a little of that won't cut it. Go straight to the most influential people. You have one shot at this.

I am going to warn you about something and I need your promise that you will PREPARE yourself for this. You MUST PROMISE YOU WILL NOT BURST OUT LAUGHING WHEN SHE EXPLODES AT YOU FOR EXPOSING HER AFFAIR. Laughing at her is a lovebuster. She will say some real idiotic things like "I was going to work on the marriage" "now you have ruined it" "I am going to divorce you now!!" " you have ruined the OM's career!!"

You cannot laugh when she goes crazy on you. If you feel a laugh coming on, it is best to leave the room and go laugh in the bathroom.

When she attacks you, just say "I am sorry you are upset." Don't try to reason with her and don't allow her to bait you into a fight.

But most imporantly: DON'T LAUGH! It is a huge lovebuster.

Can you control your laughter?

PM, in my corporate history, they fire the person in the higher position and give the subordinate a package and/or let her stay until she quits from office politics.