I have been gone after many months of posting. I thought we were all done, but things have changed at the last minute.

My wife and I had a date on Saturday for the first time in several months. She has been involved with OM for about 8 months and I filed back in late April for D. We have had very little contact with each other and she had been very clear that she loved the OM and wanted a Divorce ASAP. She has been encouraging me for months to date and move on with my life and in May I did. I have been with OW for a couple months and she found out. My wife is not at all happy and I am totally confused. She has called her every name in the book and now wants to consider reconsiliation...CONSIDER.

Setting aside ego and pride it is what I want to. She (in my opinion) has no right to be angry with me. I don't feel I have done anything wrong. We are in the bottom of the 9th with 2 outs in the divorce process and she thinks I'm commiting adultry. Well, in the strictest sense, yes. But really!!! It was over, she could not have been clearer and now this.

The date was actually nice. We had a good time and for the first time in many months there was some intimacy. No sex, but we did sleep together. Now she is out of town on business and when she calls she is very angry about OW. Yet, she is not ready to break from OM. I told her what I wanted, but I also told her I want this done one way or another and I want it done fast. We have been together 11 years, have two children and there is still feelings, but she is entrenched with OM and I am done with it. She said the other night we are so opposite. With me, she feels safe and compfortable. With him, it's exciting and new. He (she says) wants to marry her. She is concerned that he is "by the seat of his pants". Another consideration is he is very well off finacially and could offer her a different life style. He lives 150 miles away and would have to sell his house and move to this area because of the children. She says he is willing to do that, but I can't imagine they REALLY know what to expect. It's been weekends and part-time without any real life influences. What happens when real life gets involved? What sucks is I had resigned myself and started to move on. Now, I have hope without resolve and it sucks. Is there any waywards out there who have delt with this and have advise?....thanks

I'm not sure I have any advice. I do want to share what I read once a long time ago. "Jealousy is not a reliable indicator of love."

You two are at the bottom of the nineth. So, I'm wondering how you'd view the situation if you and your wife weren't married to each other.

If you are seriously dating someone, would you go out on a date with an ex lover? Would you date someone who is currently seeing and probably sleeping with someone else? Would you sleep with that person?

The only other piece of advice I can offer is that you protect the innocent. You need to tell the woman you are dating that you went out on a date with your STBX and that you two spent the night together. You need to share that your Ex wants to reconcile and that you would prefer that to divorce. She'll probably stop seeing you, but you never know. If she doesn't stop seeing you, I suggest you stop seeing her. Someone who is willing to continue a relationship in those conditions isn't good relationship material.

No advice, but I think you know what the answer is.

It's also a mistake to date before everything is official with the divorce.

Oh, isn't this just so darn typical of those selfish, entitled waywards??? It's really no different than a spoiled child who throws an old toy away and replaces it with a bright, shiny new toy without giving it a second thought....until another child shows up and gives that old toy attention. Suddenly the spoiled brat wants THEIR toy back!


I'm assuming you know that you should NOT be dating since you are referring to the person you're dating as 'OW'. That said, it's happened and there's not much you can do to change it...except you can now make the decision to no longer date until your D is final. As you've heard, dating pre-D only muddies the waters and makes things messier.

I like what Greengables said, "Jealousy is not a reliable indicator of love" and I happen to agree with it. Your WW is now suddenly showing interest in you only because someone else is.

I guess the thing you will have to decide is this: Is she showing this newfound interest in you only because someone else is now showing interest in her 'old toy', or has the fog started to really lift for her in a way that has forced her to see the horrible mistakes and choices she's made?

By her still seeing the OM and telling you she is not ready to 'break from OM', I think she's letting you know where she's really at.

I agree.

For the record, I'll cut people slack on dating IF they meet the following criteria
1. Living separately for over a year
2. Divorce papers filed more than a year previous
3. No way in hell they'd go back to their spouse, or even date their spouse.

The reason I give some leaway is that some divorces can last years when there's money being hidden.

FWIW, I wouldn't date someone who was divorced but hadn't be living alone for at least a year. True, a lot of the good ones are snatched up as soon as they come on the market. But, I'm looking for someone who is comfortable being alone.... That and someone who as longevity on both sides of his family.

Back to the original poster, if you have any desire to get back with your wife, you shouldn't be dating. Dating is NOT how you move on with your life after a marriage ends. You move on by processing the pain, accepting the new normal, and learning for any mistakes that you made, and by forgiveness. I've found this applies whether your marriage ends through divorce or death of your spouse. I'm not sure if it applies if your marriage ends through your own death. If I ever find out, I'll try to figure out a way to edit this post and get the word out.

Patriot, I caught up with your thread on the other board. I think you're reading this thread too. I'm really glad you told the woman you were seeing about your wife. I know that hurt her and makes you feel terrible. But what you did shows honor. And I think if it were meant to be, it will work out in the end.

I don't post much any more and avoid getting into tussles. So, feel free to email me if you want more of my opinions. Just remember, you get what you pay for.