You get a crap sandwich on moldy bread

DancesWithGoats, can I ask you a few questions? My WH is also a serial cheater. 1st one was 6 months after we got married & ended when his job transferred him to our home town vs. driving 40 mins away.

2nd & 3rd ones were within the last year & a half. The 3rd one only lasted 2 1/2-3 months, my WH thought he fell in love with this last one. The other two were only about "getting off" as he put it.

How do you deal with this emotionally? My WH broke things off with the last OW & came back to me (he was staying in a trailer my parents set up for him to give him alone time) after he confessed all of his A's to me on D-Day.

After they kept communicating, my WH telling the OW that he is sorry, that he thinks he made the wrong choice, asking her what she wants. The OW telling him that he did make the wrong choice but she knew that he'd always pick me over her in the end. With contact still being made...myself & a friend exposed the latest A to her BF & family & the OW sent my WH an NC e-mail. There has been ever NC since ;-) I keep checking up on him though to make sure of it as it's only been a little over a month.

I'm in Plan A right now. There are days that my WH reaches out for me & others that he doesn't. How long, with him thinking he loved the OW, does it take for the fog to lift? How soon should I start pushing for counseling?

Thank you for your time!

I don't think it is possible for you to misconstrue the Harleys' Plan for Recovery with this video like the way you did w/ SAA. I'd advise you to watch the video in its entirety on the home page (the entire video is 30 mins, this is part 4 of the series on youtube). But at least pls watch the below clip starting at 4:57 (this is at the end of the video and a summation of the plan).

Steve Harley (beginning at 4:57):
"As you have just heard infidelity is an emotionally traumatic event. A marriage that has experienced infidelity has been severely injured and must be properly treated.

Can you treat the injury without the help of a coach or counselor? It is possible but very difficult because the actual treatment must be carried out by the one who had the affair. Unless the wayward spouse really understands the details of how to successfully treat the wound, I strongly advise against doing it on your own.

When looking for someone to help your marriage recovery successfully make sure the plan includes at least the following elements..."
1) NC
2) WS assumes FULL responsbility for their OWN actions
3) Reveal Details of the A at soonest appropriate time
4) Detailed Plan to Independently Prevent Reoccurence of another A (EPs)
5) Detailed Plan to Fall in Love & Stay in Love
[video:youtube]http://www.youtube.com/user/MarriageBuilders#p/a/u/0/j3K_0Mte5Sc[/video]

Chapter 1

I was walking down the street - there was a big hole in the sidewalk - I fell in. It wasn't my fault, and it took me a long time to get out of it.

Chapter 2

I was walking down the street - there was a big hole in the sidewalk - I tried to avoid it but I fell in. It wasn't my fault. It took me a long time to get out of it.

Chapter 3

I was walking down the street - I saw the big hole in the sidewalk, but I fell in it anyway. It was my fault, but I knew how to get out of it quickly by now.

Chapter 4

I was walking down the street. I saw the big hole in the sidewalk. I carefully walked around it.

Chapter 5

I chose a different street.

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts Basic Concepts
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

here