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I think that the ONLY time someone writes

"don't judge me"

is when they KNOW their actions will be judged because they KNOW they have acted badly!

A person never says:

"I educate my child .... please don't judge me."
"I've been faithful to my vows ... please don't judge me."
"I got an A on my book report ... please don't judge me."
"I exercised and watched my diet and lost 35 pounds ... please don't judge me."

They might say:

"I don't make my child attend school ... please don't judge me."
"I've cheated on my spouse ... please don't judge me."
"I failed my book report ... please don't judge me."
"I ate 12 donuts and sat around on my butt all day and now I am fat ... please don't judge me."

It is a redflag that your conscience bothers you when you say:

"Please don't judge me"

You know your actions deserve scrutiny - but you reject that very same scrutiny.

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Tennis great, Chris Evert, had an affair with married pro-golfer Greg Norman.

The adulterers both divorced their faithful spouses to marry a co-adulterer.

( insert big expensive lavish wedding here )

Chris Evert misses ex-husband, children

And then? What happens after adultery leads to a "marriage"?

Pain
Shame
Loss
Divorce

It is not pretty.

When you divorce a FAITHFUL spouse to marry a person who has proven they do not hold marriage vows in high regard ... You get what you get.

You get a crap sandwich on moldy bread puke

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
You get a crap sandwich on moldy bread puke

Thanks a lot Pep. I almost got egg salad all over my computer monitor!!!!

Last edited by AheadOfTheCurve; 07/05/10 10:41 AM. Reason: Repairing the smiley. It's a lot easier eating lunch looking at a smiley than the word "puke".

BH 52
FWW 50
S26 S24
EA 3/07-1/09
PA 5/07-10/08
NC finally established after eight false starts: 1/23/09
Final Version of Events 6/09
In a solid Recovery, and lucky beyond belief.
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You're welcome smile
I aim to please puke
rotflmao

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Chlamydia is known as a "silent" disease because the majority of infected people have no symptoms. If symptoms do occur, they usually appear within 1 to 3 weeks after exposure.

In women, the bacteria initially infect the cervix and the urethra (urine canal). Women who have symptoms might have an abnormal vaginal discharge or a burning sensation when urinating. If the infection spreads from the cervix to the fallopian tubes (tubes that carry fertilized eggs from the ovaries to the uterus), some women still have no signs or symptoms; others have lower abdominal pain, low back pain, nausea, fever, pain during intercourse, or bleeding between menstrual periods. Chlamydial infection of the cervix can spread to the rectum.

Men with signs or symptoms might have a discharge from their penis or a burning sensation when urinating. Men might also have burning and itching around the opening of the penis. Pain and swelling in the testicles are uncommon.



Have you ever worried about this? Have you?



MAJORITY HAVE NO SYMPTOMS !!!!
Get tested!


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So, you finally ended your affair.
So, you finally told your betrayed spouse about your adultery.
Now what?

You want to be forgiven, right?
You want to earn their trust back, right?

You, unfaithful LURKER, probably have NO IDEA what to do next.

Please, READ THIS LINK discussing compensation and protection

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Thank you for this letter! I printed it out for my WH. When he is ready to read it he will...it sits at the computer until he does.

I pray it's soon!!!


Me/BS 39
WS 34
Married 7 yrs/together 11
2 children:
DS 18
DD 3 1/2
D-Day 6/1/10
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Pepperband, this thread is working! There are so many more coming to the forum. Some to stay and some book it out as soon as they see they are not going to get praised just for coming in.

I know this is not all the way to the bottom but I am going to bump it back up to the top.

Lurkers, there is help here. Your life can be so much better. Stop the hiding and the covert action that is destroying you, your spouse and your marriage. There is comfort in marriage, in honesty, in rules and in the spouse who loves you.

Problems? Work it out. Stop running and hiding.


BW-me-56
FWH-GreenMile-62
Married 1982
2 wonderful grown sons

D Day #1 4/1985
D Day #2 10/03/08
D Days continued for a while.

Started real recovery 07/15/10
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DancesWithGoats, can I ask you a few questions? My WH is also a serial cheater. 1st one was 6 months after we got married & ended when his job transferred him to our home town vs. driving 40 mins away.

2nd & 3rd ones were within the last year & a half. The 3rd one only lasted 2 1/2-3 months, my WH thought he fell in love with this last one. The other two were only about "getting off" as he put it.

How do you deal with this emotionally? My WH broke things off with the last OW & came back to me (he was staying in a trailer my parents set up for him to give him alone time) after he confessed all of his A's to me on D-Day.

After they kept communicating, my WH telling the OW that he is sorry, that he thinks he made the wrong choice, asking her what she wants. The OW telling him that he did make the wrong choice but she knew that he'd always pick me over her in the end. With contact still being made...myself & a friend exposed the latest A to her BF & family & the OW sent my WH an NC e-mail. There has been ever NC since ;-) I keep checking up on him though to make sure of it as it's only been a little over a month.

I'm in Plan A right now. There are days that my WH reaches out for me & others that he doesn't. How long, with him thinking he loved the OW, does it take for the fog to lift? How soon should I start pushing for counseling?

Thank you for your time!


Me/BS 39
WS 34
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2 children:
DS 18
DD 3 1/2
D-Day 6/1/10
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Originally Posted by stillhope
DancesWithGoats, can I ask you a few questions? My WH is also a serial cheater. 1st one was 6 months after we got married & ended when his job transferred him to our home town vs. driving 40 mins away.

2nd & 3rd ones were within the last year & a half. The 3rd one only lasted 2 1/2-3 months, my WH thought he fell in love with this last one. The other two were only about "getting off" as he put it.

How do you deal with this emotionally? My WH broke things off with the last OW & came back to me (he was staying in a trailer my parents set up for him to give him alone time) after he confessed all of his A's to me on D-Day.

After they kept communicating, my WH telling the OW that he is sorry, that he thinks he made the wrong choice, asking her what she wants. The OW telling him that he did make the wrong choice but she knew that he'd always pick me over her in the end. With contact still being made...myself & a friend exposed the latest A to her BF & family & the OW sent my WH an NC e-mail. There has been ever NC since ;-) I keep checking up on him though to make sure of it as it's only been a little over a month.

I'm in Plan A right now. There are days that my WH reaches out for me & others that he doesn't. How long, with him thinking he loved the OW, does it take for the fog to lift? How soon should I start pushing for counseling?

Thank you for your time!

It probably would be best if you copy your post and then paste it to begin a new thread asking DWG to help you specifically.

Take care.

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Okay, thanks. I'm new to this so that is great advice.


Me/BS 39
WS 34
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2 children:
DS 18
DD 3 1/2
D-Day 6/1/10
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Many thanks to SusieQ .....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hurray




Originally Posted by SusieQ
I don't think it is possible for you to misconstrue the Harleys' Plan for Recovery with this video like the way you did w/ SAA. I'd advise you to watch the video in its entirety on the home page (the entire video is 30 mins, this is part 4 of the series on youtube). But at least pls watch the below clip starting at 4:57 (this is at the end of the video and a summation of the plan).

Steve Harley (beginning at 4:57):
"As you have just heard infidelity is an emotionally traumatic event. A marriage that has experienced infidelity has been severely injured and must be properly treated.

Can you treat the injury without the help of a coach or counselor? It is possible but very difficult because the actual treatment must be carried out by the one who had the affair. Unless the wayward spouse really understands the details of how to successfully treat the wound, I strongly advise against doing it on your own.

When looking for someone to help your marriage recovery successfully make sure the plan includes at least the following elements..."
1) NC
2) WS assumes FULL responsbility for their OWN actions
3) Reveal Details of the A at soonest appropriate time
4) Detailed Plan to Independently Prevent Reoccurence of another A (EPs)
5) Detailed Plan to Fall in Love & Stay in Love
[video:youtube]http://www.youtube.com/user/MarriageBuilders#p/a/u/0/j3K_0Mte5Sc[/video]

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[Linked Image from 3.bp.blogspot.com]

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
[Linked Image from 3.bp.blogspot.com]
rotflmao.....OMG

I think I busted a rib!!!!!

Not


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[Linked Image from images.paraorkut.com]

A gift for you lurkers - Start at the top and work your way through.

- Don't want this to fall too far back - I think it's working.


Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
HIYA!
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Great idea Rissa!

Last edited by princessmeggy; 07/22/10 03:40 PM.

Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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To get to the start, just [Linked Image from bestsmileys.com].

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Dear unfaithful LURKERS.....







Quote
Chapter 1

I was walking down the street - there was a big hole in the sidewalk - I fell in. It wasn't my fault, and it took me a long time to get out of it.

Chapter 2

I was walking down the street - there was a big hole in the sidewalk - I tried to avoid it but I fell in. It wasn't my fault. It took me a long time to get out of it.

Chapter 3

I was walking down the street - I saw the big hole in the sidewalk, but I fell in it anyway. It was my fault, but I knew how to get out of it quickly by now.

Chapter 4

I was walking down the street. I saw the big hole in the sidewalk. I carefully walked around it.

Chapter 5

I chose a different street.

Isn't it time to chose a different street?

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Originally Posted by Requirements for Recovery, by Dr Harley
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts Basic Concepts
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

here



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Adultery can be dangerous.
Like a drug.
If you are UNFAITHFUL, you could be putting lives at risk.

STOP and THINK ....





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