Hmmm.... such an easy choice....

Maybe other choices might be easy too...

Like, how should we spend our UA time together this weekend? Should we go to your volleyball tournament? Maybe a jazz festival? Maybe there is something else we both might be enthusiastic about doing? Hmmmm???

Don't get me wrong though. I would rather go to a Jazz Festival over a volleball tournament. I love some girl time too. I have friends that I adore. I'm just saying that maybe, since UA time has been an issue for you and J, you might want to rethink your choices about leisure activities? If you were getting 25 hours (not 15 because things are not all rosy) of UA time, it would not even be an issue to me. Although, their is also the matter of the male vocalist that joined you later in the evenning...

J had the kids all day and you were out all day. How was J's mood when you got home? Did he have as great a day as you? Just wondering because you didn't mention it.

Ok, ok we were both enthusiastic agreement about how our w/e played out. It was only in the few days before that I realised that we could have worked something differntly and by then DS had acppeted 2 party invites and the 3 of them had accpeted an invite to another hog roast.

We all went to the volleyball tournament on sunday and I tried to be a limpit (even when he was doing the line), which worked well.

You guys all know that I would like to join the vball club with him.

J was good when I got home - it was about 10.30 though so just about bed time.

I asked him whether he would rather have come with me and he replied "sort of but I really enjoyed my day with the kids"



It was the perps course last night. He was reassessed as a "standard risk", when he started he was a "high risk". I guess we pretty much know what "high risk" means, but I wonder what "standard risk" means? Do you think they have a "low risk" category? or would it cause complacency?

HE's going to find out next week. Maybe it's also based on the type of abuse?

I know that the categories do cover all types of abuse, I wonder whether emotional abuse ever makes it into their high category.


Actually I don't s'pose it really matters. I know the difference.

More sex last night and no sniping or bickering this morning - and we did proper full on kisses last night, I did kiss himn like that sat night - but I hnestly don't remember the last time I kissed him like that - I mean, meaning it. 5 years? Anyone else remember me kissing him like that since we've been here?

We will continues onwards and upwards - we will work out how to sort more UA time.

Please let's not go backwards just yet - I'm sure a down is inevitable but please can we get a month under our belts first?

Keep those positive thoughts and keep the fears out.

Well, "standard" risk still sounds scary to me. He is a lucky man to have someone that is willing to stand by him and work so hard to keep the family together.

(((((((((((((((ST)))))))))))))))))

Thanks SS2.
Quick question for you people out there who can see so much more clearly when looking in.

As y'know I help out at a friends fitness class in return for a free class and monthly mag.

This is on a Thurs and I get back just in time for J to go to vball, if he has a match I make sure I'm home early.

I started this in Jan and totally left the decison to J as to whether I should do it or not -THurs being his night. I gave him weeks to back track and change his mind. And asked the questions, and said the things to let him say no because I thought it may be a problem for him although I didn't really see why it should be. All th opportunity and he had no issue apart form me being back in time for vball.

Nealy every week he forgets that I am going (yes even this week, and I've been doing it 6 months) and gets very stroppy about it. COmplains that we're not spending time together - it wouldn't be UA time cos it's tea time and the kids are about and he's going out to vball.

But it always comes in the form of a moan and grumble and a strop.

He was really really really miserable about it this morning, because he had it in his head that we could go and watch some bungee jumping at the pub with the kids ( he doesn't like vball in the summer, cos they all mess around, because it's outside, and no one takes it seriously).


I said I would let my friend know that I can't do her class anymore because J moans and groans and makes me feel awful every thursday. I asked him what his real reasons were and he said there weren't any really it's just always bugged him.

He then went on to say that he would put it in his work calendar every week to remind him.


I pointed out that I would have loved for him to have come to me and said "ST, I've changed my mind about Thurs night, I'd really like ou here, so that we can have a relaxed tea time and spend some time with the kids together" I may have been open to discussion.


Now, what do I do? I can't work it out.

I feel controlled into stopping (although it had crossed my mind to stop because the diet plan makes me feel like rebelling constantly and I keep eating rubbish). Apart form dog walking it's the only exercise I get, I'm helping a friend out.

But I am fed up of the hassle and bad feeling it causes every weeek

but I do find it controlling, especially the way he goes about it.. (and I told him this)

What do I do?

So I suggest things tat we can do togehter and it's always a NO and an excuse.

I've now looked into joining a gym because it will actually save us money on the kids swimming lessons. �10 now and �3 per term - not much, but some.

The other bonus - I can go to the gym and do classes and swim at a discounted rate.



But...NO. I'm not allowed to do it because it will take time out form the housework.


I don't know any other IRL women that would even ask their Hs permission to do any of this. They all look at me like I'm mad when ever they aske me to do something and I say "I'd better check with J"

When I state my case and look for a compromise - and this is a compromise on my first suggestion. He says "well go on then" and I know that he doesn't want me to and then it will just be hell like every thursday is because of the class.


damned if I do and damned i I don't - How do I put a positive spin on this?

Does J want to work out with you? Does he just not want you to do anything alone? What do you think his deal is?

He doesn't want to workout with me. IT seems he just doesn't want to do anything.

I just wondered then whether it was a case of not doing anything by myself.

But he won't do anything with me - how many times have I been there? I cut backon the things I do myself to give us more time and still he doesn't want to do anything.


He won't even agree to church -i understand that more- because that is during family time. But I can go for a swim when he is at work and the kids are at school - i doesn't eat into that time.

I though this could be an alternative to the Thurs tea time class that he hates so much.

But,no, anytime I'm not with them I have to be doing house work.

My thoughts are based on my gut and what you are posting only. It seems like he wants to control how you live, what you do, when you do it, if you have permission to do it. Is that how you are feeling? That is what is coming across to me. I understand that POJA is needed and applaud your efforts. I feel that you feel frustrated that he is taking advantage of POJA because he is keeping you from being happy - which is not MB ok. He is supposed to want you to be happy. Do you feel like he is just pulling your strings like a puppet? That is the impression that I am getting.

That is the feeling I'm getting. I'm trying to work out whether it is as a result of something that I am doing that is bugging him.


It seems everything goes along fine as long as I am ok to stay home and be wifey.

He did say tome when we first met that he expected a wife to stay at home and do all the house work if the husband was working full time. Shared if wife was working FT. I didn't htink he was serious- this was only 12 years ago.

He also said if I ever got fat he'd dump me. I did when I had the kids and he didn't.

There never seems to be any real conversation on things. He mocks my suggestion, or straight out no and sometimes then back tracks only to sulk.

I'm trying to see it as LA would.

I didn't expect him to react that way to my suggestion - IT'S MONEY SAVING - even if I don't use the pool/gym

I have been a stay at home wife and mommy. It doesn't take all day to keep the house up. It can be done pretty easily with the proper routines in place. www.flylady.net is an excellent site for tips to keeping the house under control.

If the house were spotless with home cooked meals waiting on the table when he got home and you had a cocktail in one hand and a smile on your face to greet him at the door, would he begrudge you your gym time? Why do you think he feels the need to "put you in your place"?

The house is not that bad and is certainly under control.

I do work SS2 and I work more than half the hours he does and do the afternoon/ evening things with the kids excpet or thurs when I do the class. My sis and I also share childcare, so when I'm not working I will sometimes have a 2yo in tow.



I can't imagine ever wanting to have the house spotless with ccoked meals waiting on the table - unless someone was going to do it for me. And actually i wouldn't want anyone to be my slave.

Is that what I'm s'posed to do to earn my keep?

Life is for living - not housework. The bathrooms and kitchen are clean, the floor is hoovered (but not mopped this week yet), the kids rooms are tidied, the washing is up to scratch and he had home cooked spicey chicken and mixed beans with rice for tea.

I haven't dusted for 2 weeks and that shows.

I have done some ironing but ran out of time before I hit the bottom of the basket.

I'm not sure spotless can happen with a 7yo, 4yo and furball dog (that although doesn't moult, collects loads of leaves and dust)

If my house was spotless I'd be very very very concerned about myself and worry that I was turning into my MIL.

BINGO!

Is it even remotely possible that you husband wants a home for his children like HIS mom's house?

Our families are very different - I am not his mum. He knows this.

She didn't work til J went to uni.
He's an only child
His dad actually worked 9-5
She was proud of the fact that J was no trouble - he just used to sit in front of the TV all day.

I am appalled that J used to sit in front of the TV all day - and I am even more appalled that she seems so proud of the fact.

He says he doesn't want his children to grow up like he did.

Life is certainly too short to worry about afro combing the tassles on rugs!!!!!

Heeelllllppppp!!

DD had a meltdown down this morning - the cause was her anxiety abou her concert this morning. We reassured her that she didn't have to do it if she didn't want to, but she needed to tell the teacher.

It was J that eventually cooled her down with calm and patience.

On the way back she was still kicking off and moaning about everything. Her seatbelt was not on properly. So j asks her to sit properly, she refuses, he stops the car. Fair enough. She sits up properly.

200yds down the road she does it again, so he pulls over again. I explain to her that it is dangerous and give her some info about neck injuries. She sorts herself out. J says "if she doesn't want to wear it properly that's her choice, we've told her what will happen if she doesn't wan to, it's up to her" I say "no, it is our responsibility as parents to make sure she complies. She's 7 years old. How would it sit with you if something did happen?"

Things are slightly tense between us, as noted above.
DD is still stropping about and starts taking out her anger on DS . She had had the privilege of going to the fete removed because of her behaviour (warning given). I am working hard to remain patient and fair between DD and J. Kids were going to go to my sis anyway and I'd been encouraging DD to go, just so that they could have a break from J's sulk. But she lost it with DS and really hurt him. So I decided to take him to sis to keep him out of it while I tried to help DD out of her mood.

She became very distressed when i left for the 2 min trip to sis and I could hear her yelling for me down the road.

When I came back she said that daddy had told her he "couldn't be doing with this family anymore"

and when she said that she wanted mummy he told her "I'm going to lock her out". When questioned he admitted it. When he saw I was upset, he said "I know, I messed up"

She was stressed and anxious anyway.


Please tell me how you see this.

I just noticed your signature...it is very true, overly positive people really annoy the crap out of me. Sometimes I wish they would just take a bad situation and just complain, be real about it and complain.

I see a little girl that knows that mommy and daddy are not united in their child-rearing approach and she takes advantage of that fact. I see a little girl that wants more attention. This is pretty normal for kids. It would be odd if kids did not act up when the parents are having troubles. Disagreeing with J in front of the kids is a big no-no if you want to appear united in front of the kids. I agree that you are responsible for your children's safety. I don't agree with disagreeing with J in front of the kids though. Once kids no that mommy and daddy have different opinions, they will pit the parents against each other. Of course, J was not being responsible saying those horrible things to your daughter. It was reckless of him to say that he was done with his family and going to lock mommy out to an already stressed out child. Talk to J away from the children.

I couldn't let him drive off without her having it on properly. I had to say something - imagine if something had happened and I hadn't said anything because I couldn't disagree with him in front of the children.

We are usually in agreement about the children. He keeps saying "I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't be doing with it"


So she thinks daddy doesn't care enough to worry about her safety. This is what she is asking for - she's asking him to show her that unconditional love. She did the concert - I guess maybe to please us and maybe then she wanted to know that we still loved her if she was unreasonable.

He has apologised to her and told her that the things he said were wrong and told her that he loves her.

He has also put the onus on her, should he be unreasonable again and asked her to give him a sign. Isn't this too much responsibility for a 7yo? Will she not then use this to manipulate and get her own way... and then when he doesn't back off... won't see the consistency and lose her trust for him?

Tom

Are you Black_Raven? My positivity bugged her too. where is BR, is she oK?