I ended my A. Like you I couldn't be doing with the stress of it really and the guilt. Don't think I was able to admit the reason for ending it when I first came here. So good on you for being honest.

Suggestion: instead of playing the suicide card, why not call 911? Its not going to generate sympathy here so there is no reason to continually play it.

We all know that people who are serious don't use it to pander sympathy, they just do it.

And no, I decline your invitation to post elsewhere. But I will report your suicide threats to the moderators because they have been known to lock down a thread and refer a person to the suicide hotline when appropriate.

saddestwife,

THIS is exactly when you need to stop and pay attention. You do not like what Melody said but she is not the only one who has said it. I think for most people that would be a smack upside the head that we need to pay attention to what we are being told. As nasty as this may sound to you, and I do not mean it to be so, you do not get to make the recovery rules nor do you get to guide the advice given you. We call em as we see em and we have seen many just like you. Mel is one of the best here, she pulls no punches because nobody coming here for help will benefit from pulled punches. If you can't take the heat then you will not benefit from the advice. Please listen to the posts that make you the angriest, they may be just what you need to consider the most. We all get them, BS and WS alike and they are directions to move us into positive territory. None of us are children who need to be handled with so much care. If you are that close to the edge you should not be here now but in a facility to stabilize you first. It is understandable that you might be feeling that way.

You can do this but you need to back down, give yourself up and listen.

I have three books on the topic, Surviving the Affair and two others. I don't want to read them in front of my H which is problematic as he is signaling strongly right now that he doesn't want to talk about it. Since my number one goal is to not inflict any more pain, I am respecting that. If someone has another view, please tell me.

My H needs to feel safe, he needs to know that nothing he can do or say is going to run me off, and he needs me to be emotionally present and available. I'm doing well on two out of three -- the second one being the issue as I historically avoid conflict (strange for a trial lawyer). I'm not saying that he can run me off -- I'm saying that he doesn't know he can't so expressing his feelings (except when he erupts or makes a cutting comment) doesn't feel safe to him. Today we are in the avoid the whole subject and have lots of sex stage.

My strategy today is simply to express to him how incredibly grateful I am to him for being willing to try to save the marriage. And I am.

What else should I be doing?

This is a great start.

The questionnaires !

Do what you like. I haven't threatened suicide nor am I feeling suicidal. I see a psychiatrist regularly and I am not depressed. I'm not looking for sympathy. Telling me I'm having a pity party or whatever, even if its true, doesn't tell me anything useful. Being willing to listen to melodylane or whoever doesn't make any difference if they aren't saying anything concrete. I'm not mad at melodylane -- I sincerely believe she is dangerous.

I get it -- I'm the "perp" and my concern about my mental health is by definition invalid, a play for sympathy, whatever.

Probably I should just leave the forum, but I do find some people have very helpful things to say.

SW:

As WWs go you are among the most promising I have seen in the forum. You are doing fine!!!!!

You sound a lot like my wife, who got caught instead of confessing.

Keep up the SF with H.

The 2X4s you get are to help you.

CIAO

Read the books now.
In front of your H, or not.
I doubt he will object to some self help on your part.
As long as you do not pressure him to do the same.

From the sound of it, you will need to take the lead.
At least for now.

BH will probably sneak a peek at what you are reading when you aren't looking.

Honesty ... In all you do.

You need to be reading, SW. Read those things that everyone has suggested here, but start with the links on the MB main page. The people who are upsetting you are telling you the truth, not trying to harm you or get you to harm yourself. I know where your head is. I was a serial wayward of the worst kind and avoided confrontation and ran from emotional discomfort for years. I decided that my marriage was a boo boo, and that I needed to run somewhere and get some medicine and "make it all better." But I was the boo boo. I was also a medical professional in a high position and got used to using my head too much and my heart too little. And people always came to me for answers in my professional life. That should have tolld me that I was smart, not that I was wise. And my pride was reinforced by others and my extended family. But I was a mess for waaay longer than I needed to be, and the people here and the MB staff are helping me to see life and see my spouse in real daylight for the first time. And I like what I see about both of those things...a lot. Instead of defending yourself and how fragile you are and protesting how you might off yourself, you really should be reading and learning and preparing yourself for the biggest challenge you will ever undertake. Are you up to it? If you are doing that already, then good for you. There is no need to debate people here or approach this like you are the defendant in a criminal trial. People here are your friends. They are slapping you, like in the movies, and you are supposed to say, "Thanks. I needed that." Because you know what? You do.

I agree about reading the books. My DH went through the avoid the pain and have SF mode too. But Surviving an Affair has such wonderful tools and is such a good glimpse into the inside of all this junk. As far as suicide goes, I will tell you that two weeks after D-Day I was in the ER....and this past March I spent several days in a horrible place for the same reason. So I will not discount the reality of what you may be feeling. But the key is do not go there. Read, listen to music, write, watch Law and Order (ha ha). You haven't said if you have a specific illness, but I will tell you that I have bipolar disorder, so I know that it is something you have to stay on top of.

So, expressing appreciation to your DH is good. If you know you are STD free then coming together physically and intimately with your DH is good. Being close if good. Crying with him is good. Expressing your remorse and apology voluntarily and not just as a response is good. Keep these things in the forefront of your mind because DH will need these things for a long time.

It's also good that you are telling your kids. I do not agree with keeping this from children. Does anyone else know? Do you have any family that could support you since DH is uncomfortable with you seeing friends right now?

Recovering from an affair is like a natural disaster. Right now you are huddled in the basement waiting for the hail and wind and F5 to settle down. Then you have to climb up together, survey the damage, and clean it up bit by bit so that you can build a newer, better, more solid house in its place. It doesn't happen in a week, or a month, or even a year. But every broken piece of window, every warped piece of furniture you sift through and toss, you are making progress.

As one of my former principals would say, "It's time to put on the big girl pants and get to work."

Excellent post Pep. As always.

Again, you are the least qualified to discern what is or isn't helpful, SW. You messed up your marriage, remember? Your best thinking got you in this mess. But if you feel your mental health is on the edge, you need to call 911 or your psychiatrist instead of posting on a marriage forum.

Or instead of being defensive and shooting at the rescue helicopters when folks point out your foggy thinking, how about paying attention to what we are telling you?

Did you read my post about what it will take for recovery? Did you read this:

First of all I'd like to say to everyone...it is freaking me out that you are all calling her SW----*I* am SW!!!

Ok, now that I got that off my chest.....Saddestwife, Have you noticed the post count of MelodyLane? Or how long she has been here? If you stick around and humble yourself, there will be a day in a few months that you will be amazed that you once told her to stay off your thread. She knows A LOT about MB principles and if you will listen to her she can help you.

I read it. I've read every website I can find on the subject.

My best thinking didn't get me into this mess. My worst thinking did. Or, to be more accurate, my failure to think. I know I'm not making good decisions right now, so I'm deciding as little as is humanly possible. I don't trust myself or my judgement in the slightest.

I never said my mental health is on edge. I said I was afraid it might come to that point, and asked for help on how to set some boundaries so I don't get to that place. I don't get how that is a play for sympathy or whatever but I also don't care much whether you think it is or not. Telling me that tells me nothing concrete that has any relevance to what I am trying to accomplish. If I were saying to my H "oh please spare me from your rage as I am too emotionally fragile to take it and I might off myself" then yes, that would be an issue. But I'm not.

I don't find your comments on this point helpful because I don't understand their relevance. If I don't understand what is being said, it is by definition not helpful.

And I do think your aggressiveness is dangerous and your carelessness in reading what is written before you address the subject frightening -- you weren't responding to what I wrote. You were responding to what you decided I wrote. The same response with the same tone to someone else who was actually threatening suicide could be the trigger. I have experienced the impact of suicide first hand on two occasions. Some people just do it, but some people talk a lot about it first. There are no rules.

The response that I did find very helpful was to focus on today. That I can do.

That is about the first thing you have said that we can agree on. Realization that your judgment is seriously impaired should be a consideration when you imagine you are qualified to decide what is "helpful" and what is not.

My so called "agressiveness" is hardly "dangerous" compared to the destruction you have reaped on your poor husband, so please lets lose the melodramatics...

Now, how about letting US - the non foggy recovered people - decide what is "helpful" and what is not and get back to the business of repairing the damage you caused?

melodylane, I may take issue with your approach -- abrasive/aggressive behavior is not a style that is ever going to be effective with me. Ever. I was a trial lawyer for a too many years and learned early on to ignore those people. All bluster, no substance, a bunch of adult bullies. People with something real and meaningful to say do not have to employ those tactics to get their positions heard and adopted -- the content of their communication does all the work. But that's only how I react. I'm sure there are any number of people who have reaped great benefits from your posts and I mean that sincerely. But I'm not one of them, and never will be. I respond to reason and logic. I respond to concreteness and direction. I respond to caring correction and positive reinforcement. I respond to people with ideas, not people with an agenda. I want help developing a plan and support when it falters -- and it will. This is not a 10K, its a marathon, and I know what that means because I have been a distance runner my whole life. If you spend it all in the first 5 miles, you got no hope. You have to have a plan for the whole race, and be ready when it rains, the water stop is out of water, you get a blister, etc. There are other posters who seem to know where the bandaids and the water stops are. I'm listening to them. I'm not listening to you because the content of your message has no meaning for me.

It's telling that you STILL can't explain to me why you characterize my concern as a pity party/bid for sympathy or how that could possibly be relevant to what I am trying to accomplish. I can only conclude you are trying to make me feel bad for the sake of making me feel bad which isn't remotely helpful. I already feel bad. Guilt and shame are only useful emotions when they serve as a motivation for positive change. Wallowing in them and dwelling on them is both self indulgent and counter productive. I want to use my guilt and shame to try to heal the damage I've caused and create a better me and a better M. You can tell me all day long that I'm off base about that and I will tell you unequivocally that you are flat wrong.

That said, I don't think you are an evil person. I don't think you want to be even tangentially involved in someone's decision to commit suicide. I believe that if you were to find that your conduct factored into such a decision you would be devastated. I don't think you have the faintest idea how risky your behavior on this point is. You are speaking anonymously in an emotionally charged forum to people you don't know. Your style is aggressive/abrasive. You may be an expert on MB, but you aren't an expert on suicide. Neither am I, but I know enough to know it is not a subject to be trifled with or taken lightly.

Comparing "the destruction you have reaped on your poor husband" with your risky behavior on this point is nonsensical -- the two have nothing to do with each other. It's like comparing a mountain and an ocean. There is no logic in such a statement.

Thats nice, SW. Now, would you like to get down to business here? Complaining about my "approach" is a distraction.

Speaking of which, I have TWICE posted a plan but you haven't responded. Did you read it?

Reposting: