Wow somebody ressurrect Johnny Cochran..MelodyLane is on trial...whoa. You may not like her approach,but MelodyLane has helped many many people. Maybe you don't like her approach because I see the same abrasive/aggressiveness in you. Please..humble yourself and listen. You won't regret it.

Saddest,

Ok, Counselor let�s get down to business shall we? First let me address what you just posted to Mel. You said So I could summarize by saying you don�t like to be told what to do? Am I correct? You may not realize it but what Mel is telling you is REAL and it is MEANINGFUL. Whether she has a style you like is of little concern when compared to your issue of trying to rebuild a marriage now is it? My I suggest, that you listen to her. I will also note that while many have posted to you and offered advice, your only responses have been to defend yourself and NOT question or even acknowledge what people have suggested to you. Which further suggests, that you don�t do well with being told �how the cow ate the cabbage� and you don�t do well with suggestions either. So please enlighten me, does kissing your feet and bowing to you work for you? What form of interaction works, because I can assure you that your method of posting is not going to help your H much, it sounds too much like a pity party and too much like rationalization.



With all due respect to the many lawyers on this site, since when has reason and logic been a main staple of your profession? And exactly how did you reason and logic your way into an affair? I am sure your H will be very impressed with your reason and logic, when you explain it all to him. You don�t really seem to be listening to reason and logic. A �reasonable� person would look at all of the posts to you and conclude that there is a �failure to communicate�. That all of us see something in your posts that strongly suggests that you are whinning and rationalizing rather than truly serious about recovery because Saddest recovery is NOT going to be on YOUR TERMS. You need to figure that one out soon.



Interesting lecture to a bunch of people with far more experience than you and who have lived through this on one side or another. Mel has an agenda and you better bet I do as well as everyone that is posting to you, but you don�t seem to realize what it is. OUR agenda is to help you save your marriage, pure and simple.

Ok, I said it in an earlier post, I will say it again, we are on you and Mel particularly is on you because your posts make it sound like a pity party. Wake up if strangers are picking that up how do you think your H is going to respond????? Our goal is to get you to quit the self-defense, quit the justications, quit sounding pitiful, and start to actually interact with people in a positive way so that you can be helped. Your conclusions about Mel are based on an erroneous assumption. She is pointing as I am and others that you sound just like many WS� that come here initially. Quit arguing with her and listen, she is trying to help and whether you like her style or not, that is the goal. You might not like my style either but the purpose here is to get you to start realize that there are things YOU must do or you will cripple your chances of true recovery of your marriage. You clearly haven�t pickup that the goal here isn�t just to save your marriage, it is to help you and your H build it into something better and that takes more plasticity of mind than you have demonstrated so far.

. Saddest you have mentioned suicide several times in this thread and each and every time people have told you the same thing. Call 911 if you are seriously thinking about this, seek counseling if you are serious about these thoughts and quit posting here until you have addressed these thoughts. You come back that you are not but it is possible. Now tell me how are we to interpret your statements with suicide? Mel calls that a pity party since you won�t seek help for it. I call it trying to defend yourself in a losing argument �I�ll take my ball and go home and kill myself.�

Saddest, we all know suicide is very serious. If you really have these thoughts seek professional help NOW! Am I clear? It should be clear to the meagerest of minds that people posting here are not suicide prevention folks. But it also seems that you use it as a threat whenever people start to really talk to you. Mel isn�t trying to make you feel guilty, she is trying to get you from guilt to remorse, true remorse where you take full responsibility for your actions by learning how to address your marriage issues.

You want guidance you have it, and the articles will provide even more. You want clarification on things, then ask for it, but quit wasting time playing pity/pat with Mel and the rest. The plans and information here works, but only when you become �radically honest� with yourself.

I really hate posting like this, because I doubt its affectiveness, but it needs to be said and I sure will say it if I feel it needs to be said. Been here a long time and frankly you are not unique and I hate to see you waste valuable time and opportunities sparing with those that are trying to help you.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

I may have missed something, but is your husband here, yet? I believe that was the first piece of advice we gave you.

You asked for help ... are you going to accept the help that is offered, or keep saying mean things to the people who are trying to help you?

Talk is cheap, you know.

Saddest, are you ready to do something to help yourself and your marriage, or are you just here to talk at this point?

Let me know when you're ready to do something; I'll be back at that point.

SW, you have been told several times to humble yourself and listen. Most of your replies have been defensive and seriously lacking in humility.

Saddest, who knows of the affair? (Besides you & H & OM?)

Are you & your H seeking out marriage counseling? (I ask this with some hesitation, because from what I've read, many if not most marriage counselors aren't worth the paper their diplomas are printed on.) My wife & I simply lucked into a good one.

It seems to me that you & your H could use someone to help moderate your convesations about the affair & your marriage & needs & feelings toward one another. Have you considered contacting the Harleys? (My wife & I did not use them, but everyone here says they're good.)

Also, do you have a couple (in which both of you trust both of the other people to have your interests & the interests of your marriage at heart) whom the two of you could confide in together? Folks like those are hard to find -- chances are, you eaither have friends like this or you don't -- but if you do, lean on them. Your husband needs empathy from a good man, and you need someone (female!) whom you can confide in but who'll help hold you accountable. This marital recovery business seems like it would be much, much harder to pull off when one has no real-life support network. How do things look for you in this area?

I am going to be as clear as I know how to be on the suicide point, and then I hope the issue can be dropped.

I am not suicidal.

I have been suicidal.

The collective group knows way more about how to fix my marriage than I do.

I know way more about being suicidal than you do.

I am not asking for advice on this point. I am giving it.

And here is my advice: it is a delicate situation, you have no way of knowing what impact your words, however right or well intentioned you might be, might have on the person. Don't take it lightly, consider the worst case scenario when addressing this person and be extremely careful and moderate in how you address them.

Because YOU DON'T KNOW HOW THEY ARE GOING TO REACT. There is a tipping point. In my case, it was something relatively innocuous relative to everything else that was going on, but when I tipped, it was done. You can't know the tipping point. But have the humility to know that you can't know.

That's it.

I'm unclear on why my discussion of my fear that I would return to that place triggered such a reaction, but it did. Just please, please, be careful.

So we need to tiptoe around you and not stress your wayward mind, or else you might get suicidal?

That is the undertone I am seeing.

Interesting that you are telling people here to be humble. It is what we keep suggesting to you.

No one here wants to 'tip' anyone toward suicide. As was mentioned earlier this is not a suicide hot line. Since you aren't suicidal I don't really see what the problem is.

Maybe more distraction to keep yourself from listening to the suggestions and ACTING on them.

We do have a MC that we both very much like. He is NOT in favor of telling all the gory details, but he is a very quick study. The problem is that travel schedules have made it impossible to gain any traction. A session every so often isn't going to do it.

I like the idea of a couple we could at least go out with. I'll think on it.

He will not come to this site. He is humiliated by the whole thing and there is no way he will talk about it privately, much less publicly.

He has been reconnecting with friends he hasn't seen in years which I am delighted about.

Sometime in the next couple of days I am going to post my strategy. I want your input.

You guys might want to think about cutting me the tiniest little bit of slack. I went to bed Thursday night white knuckling it on the no contact thing and woke up Friday morning at 3:30 thinking "oh dear God, what I have I done." I'm a quick learner, but....

We all know it is hard to get through the first few weeks of no contact. Everyone here truly does want you to succeed.

Darn - golf UA time with H today and I missed all of this. SW, the poorest decision you made in your adult life was to have your A. Don't compound that by leaving here, a place that can help you change your M. Stay.

I'll keep reading. I hope you stayed! (Or come back.)

Then you might want to stop redirecting the conversation to this topic and start answering the questions asked of you.





Yes, they do.





You have NO FREAKIN' IDEA how much we here know about suicide.

You have no idea how many of us have been on the brink in our darks days after finding out about our spouse's affair.

You have no idea how many of us have buried friends who have committed suicide....some because of the adultery committed against them.





Please stop talking down to us as if we are clueless to suicide and you are "the expert".

I've stood at the edge in my dark days.

And I buried a friend just months ago who couldn't face her dark days after her D-Day.




You are brand new here, know nothing about the people and the knowledge and experience they have to share, and YOU preach humility????

There is much help here for you when you are ready to stop this drama and start doing the work that will help both your husband and you.


My suggestion to you is to apologize for being so condescending toward us about this topic as if you are the only person here who has faced this. EVERY FREAKIN' betrayed spouse has faced the "can I make it through this next minute"?

Then I would start reading what has been suggested to you and start answering questions.

Listening with a humble, teachable heart is how you learn to come through this. The people here can lead you out of your fog...when you want to come out of it.

Do you really think you've got enough info about us to make that decision? Really?

Don't throw away this lifeline, SW. Okay, I'll tell you right now - you sound hurt. As well you should - you've really damaged yourself by having an A. You also sound foggy - I'm hearing justification for an A all over your post. And there IS no reason to have an A.

You're going to get some 2X4s that are NOT intended to beat you up - they're intended to HELP you. Read what we say, follow what we say and heal your M.

BTW - welcome. I am impressed that you came here. Please, stay and learn.

Your first priority should NEVER be your children. I am appalled that your H would have to hear this denigration of him. And I am doubly appalled to hear that your children understand that they are your No. 1 Priority. This is NOT GOOD for them! They have to know that their parents have a solid No. 1 spot in the family. You relegated their father to a lower spot than them in your family, do you not see this? This cannot continue. Without their father, this family cannot survive intact. And yet you have chosen to bump him - the father of your children - down to a place UNDER THESE LITTLE KIDS. That doesn't seem wrong to you? Have you heard of child-centered families? These families are usually begun by mothers who lose sight of their children's and husbands places in the family.

This skewing of your children's place in your family is very likely something that played into your affair. I am STUNNED that you would tell your H that he is in second place to his children. That is awful. What a horrible thing to say. Why didn't you just get a sperm donor and save him all the effort? Or are you using him for his income?

SW, and let me be perfectly clear. This collective group also knows how to spot someone who is playing the suicide card when they are losing the debate. We see right through that becuase it is a classic tactic of melodramatic wayward women.

And you only confirm those suspicions when you admit you ARE NOT suicidal. Otherwise, there would be no reason to bring it up.

However, if you are suicidal, the solution is to call 911 or your local suicide hotline rather than bandying it around on an internet forum when you are losing the debate. Good grief.

SW, this is probably the worst request you could make here. MelodyLane is about the best vet you're going to get. Ignore her posts at your risk.

I can tell you that I see your posts the same way: lots of Memememememe. Stop it. You have a husband, you have children. You have a husband who gave you his sperm for children you orbit around. He now appears to act as the sperm donor/bill payer. No wonder you don't respect him! But remember - you put him there.

Get over yourself. Get over your drama. No one here is going to approach you any differently than any other wayward because you throw out the 'suicide' angle from 3 years ago.

If you feel suicidal, this is not the place for you. If you need a crisis prevention site, please let the mods here know, and they can give you direction. This is a place to help you - a typical wayward - save your M.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, OR NOT?

Can I ask why you see a psychiatrist regularly if you're not suicidal and aren't depressed?

I've got to ask: Why are you here? You obviously want no help, you're paying big bucks to a psych for no apparent reason, you had an A on your husband sperm donor and don't seem to want more than support for having it. You won't get that here.

So what is your goal in being here?

-Who's got the travel issues? Your husband; or the MC?
-What things is your MC suggesting?


-You & he are both as anonymous as you want to be on here. Just sayin.'


-You shall have the input, I promise. Just keep in mind that the strategy is things you do for your husband. Read about the Harley "Four rules" (Time, Protection, Care, Honesty) -- they should be a big part of that strategy.

I'm officially disengaging on the whole suicide thing. It is taking away valuable emotional resources much better spent elsewhere and is a clearly a huge hot button on this site.

The post about the child centered marriage really hit me. I believed his priority was the same, and I know for a time it was because almost lost our daughter to a serious illness and I know through those years we were on the same page. I never got off of it though.

I'm not sure what the morally correct position is here. As a mother, my instincts scream my children come first, all the more because we almost lost one. Is that morally wrong?

My daughter, who we almost lost, is infuriated by the attention I am giving my marriage at what she views as her expense. How do I deal with that?

I continue to read and post here because it has been very instructive to me -- I am a person for whom precision in language is absolutely critical and I have never felt this level of frustration on communicating what I am trying to say. Better to have the lot of you vet it than my H.