If you believe her....

Sigh....

Don't believe a word she says.

What you say about her family is confirmation that exposure would kill this affair immediately. Her family would likely jump in on your behalf and put an immediate stop to this.

Would she be angry? You bet. Waywards always are. But you're the one holding your progress back by not exposing.

Update
I exposed tonight. To my parents, her sister, and her parents. Tomorrow I plan to call/email both of my sisters. That will be the entire family.

I'm not exposing at work just yet. (Though my letters are addressed and ready) Per a counselor's advice, I'm going to give her a bit more time to make the right choice. I'm interested to see how she'll react to the confrontation with her dad tomorrow. I'm hoping by exposure she'll come to her senses about her job contact with the OM.

Exposure was easier than I thought it would be. Once I was talking that is. Her mother is reeling mad at the moment. Her dad is coming up here tomorrow to intercept her after work, before she can run off with a friend to go hang out.

She knows nothing about the exposure right now. I had to fib about who I was talking with, something I hate doing. Any deception, for good or bad, is hard for me.

I'm scared about her reaction to me once she finds out after work tomorrow. More scared than I thought I'd be. If I don't update again this week, you'll know that she killed me

Our Weekend Vacation
We got back from a weekend trip together and things went fairly well. We were able to talk a long time in the car. She was upset that I was upset at her for not coming home until 1am on Thursday night; after I finally shared my feelings about it. She wants independence and thinks that the Rule of Protection is ridiculous. We were intimate on the trip the one night and shared more affection than we have in recent weeks. It was awkward at times. Other times, for a few fleeting moments, it was like none of this mess ever happened at all.

I hope you were kidding about her killing you.

That being said, her anger will be explosive. Expect her to be furious. She�ll spew venom at you and scream things we�ve all heard here before. Expect things like this:

How can I possibly trust you after you did this to me?
You�re only doing this to be vindictive!
I have a right to have friends!
You only want to control me!
You don�t want me to be happy!
Why didn�t you let me handle this?
I was thinking about saving things and working on our marriage, but you just ruined that!

Others can chime in with things she�ll say.

Just know that her reaction is predictable and common.

But you just took a massive step to end the affair, especially if her family is as conservative and traditional as you say.

You EXPOSED...

Congratulations for taking the first step to saving your marriage.




You mentioned earlier that your family and your wife's family would need documentable proof of sexual intercourse before they think a divorce is ever acceptable. If it ever comes to that and you are FORCED or CHOOSE to take the divorce route in your situation, you don't really have to listen to this argument. You have documented an emotional affair and you know of times they were alone together (i.e. - opportunity)....thus, sexual intercourse can and should be presumed and the BURDEN OF PROOF then reverts to your wife to PROVE that there was NOT sexual intercourse. In other words, if her family or your family for that matter ever give you gruff over divorcing without absolute proof, just tell them you've offered to consider reconciliation IF and WHEN your wife submits to and pass a polygraph examination. Don't allow them to place the burden on you.

In fact, you may NEVER get the truth from her and forever wonder about what happened and thus, may consider insisting on a polygraph exam as part of your reconciliation. You must consider this NOW as your exposure is hot and things are coming to fruition. You won't be able to recover for a year and THEN ask for/demand a polygraph. It's NOW or never...and you'll likely have her parents on your side.

Mr. W

She came home crying. She asked how I could do something like that. That she feels betrayed. Especially after we'd been making progress this weekend. Also that it was her story to tell, not mine.

She didn't yell, which I was grateful for. She looked at me in such a harsh way. Then she left to visit a friend and said that she can't be here right now.

I didn't apologize. I did say that I love her, am doing the best I can, and did it for long-term recovery.

I don't feel so great right now.

What you did was perfect! Exposing is your best bet on saving this marriage, her reaction was WAY better towards you than what my husband got when he exposed my EA

I know it doesn't feel good, but trust me, it was the right choice.

Absolutely!

If she were allowed to tell her own story, it would be that OM has nothing to do with your troubles and that she has to get away from you because you are a nut job. Then when you try to correct the lies, you prove to be controlling and a nut job.

Beating her to the punch puts pressure on the affair and lets others know what is really going on. It makes them choose sides and even those who say they won't choose sides seldom consider an affair to be right.

Good job, OBR!

Mark

Weather the storm. You did the right thing here. Have faith.

Exposure is a good policy! I know it was hard, but you did the right thing!

Does she know you told her parents already or does she only know about a couple of other people you exposed to?

Is FIL still coming up tomorrow to meet with her after work?

Good job, obr!

If you are getting the feeling that you want to expose to the workplace too, it's better to do it ASAP, while she is still fuming from today's exposure.

Remember the more angry she is over the exposure, the better. If she was upset because you exposed, that means it's working.

Hang in there!

Yea, what she said.

@MrWondering
Yes, her FIL did see her. That's why she's now fuming mad at me.

She knows that I told my parents. I'm not sure if she knows that I told our siblings. She came home last night, for the second time, really upset again. This morning we didn't talk except for a short "bye".

She's mostly upset about her family knowing. They are hyper conservative and big on appearances. She felt that I was one sided, I explained that I didn't speak of her like that, but focused on our marriage issues and the affair, leaving out some upsetting details that are irrelevant to the main issue.

She said no matter what any book, psychologist, or support forum says (she hasn't seen this thread), that what I did was wrong.

I want her to know that this was the last thing I wanted to do. That it wasn't to hurt her. Apart from reading Harley's exposure comments again, I found a thread discussing exposure as helping stop repeat affairs in the future. The very idea of this happening again later in life terrifies me. If I found myself in this same situation, but worse and with children, and knew I'd ignored credible advice, I'd go crazy.

OH BOY!! Sounds exactly what I told my husband when he exposed my A I said....

"How many people go on facebook and tell the whole world about their spouses A? HOW MANY!!!!?? NONE!!!!!!!!!!Those people on the internet that is supposedly helping, just made it WORSE for YOU! I might have ruined the marriage, but you ended it!!!"

I said this while screamed, yelled, and punched wheels....now that I think about it, I laugh!! HAHAHAHA..

Trust me, exposing the A was the best decision you made!! The fog will start lifting, and the fantasy will soon die.

First of all, let her know that you have told everyone. Is there anyone else in your family that would be willing to call her or send her an email?

It's going to be hard but during your interactions w/your W, you need to be:
~ cool-headed
~ confident that you did the right thing (if you feel unsure or nervous, don't let it show)
~ DO NOT try to reason with her right now.

Be a broken record, (less is better): "I will do what I need to to save our M."

I would also let her know soon that you have a lot of hope for the M as long as she is
willing to a) leave the job and b) work on the M.

Hang in there.

The only other person willing to call is her sister, but she's been told to hold off for now by her mother.

Cool headed and no reasoning are easy enough. Confidence is tough.

@SapphireReturns How long were you mad over exposure?

I'm having a hard time feeling confident in my anxiety over her friends. I've started asking others what "girls night out" is like for them. It it common to go out several nights a week? Once per week? Is there an expectation of when a spouse would return home?

Is it common for me to have a ton of motivation to work on our marriage, but feel little is reciprocated? I don't want every single night of the week to be dedicated to reading marriage books or walks together, but I'd like maybe twice a week. I'm dying to spend time with her and would love to see her every night with enough time to go for a walk or something.

We spent the entire weekend together, which was great. Yet I see that 3 nights this week are possibly scheduled to spend time with a friend of hers. Her friend is very nice, though I know she's confessed to kissing or making out with two guys shortly after marriage; which concerns me some as I wonder how many friends share stories of infidelity. Perhaps it could start to seem common and innocent? Of course I'm a little paranoid right now and perhaps out of line. I wish we could find some decent Christian couples to hang out with.

No, no, no ~ have the sister call.

She is hanging out with this friend because she enables her wayward behavior. This "friend" is no friend of the M and is going to have to go. Are you SURE they are not meeting up with OM??? I would follow and make sure because this is a big

I have good reason to believe she is where she says she is in the last week or so. She's off eating lunch with someone right now and I don't know who. Of course, she's not talking to me anyways.

Her friend has a strange (maybe not bad or good, I don't know) marriage. They seem to do things separately most of the time. Honestly it feels like I'm competing for my wife's time and loosing. They seem to make a lot of plans together at work as the friend is always on the go and inviting her to come with her.

You hare to get into the mindset that you NC needs to be verified. If she is doing something like hanging out with a friend three nights a week while she is wayward and staying out until 1 am, I would say it is MORE LIKELY THAN NOT that she is meeting up with OM...again unless you can verify by following her or having someone follow her that this is not the case.

BTW, didn't you mention that OM has a history of affairs? Please be careful about STDs. I would consider refraining from SF or using protection.