Hello All,

I found this site a little while ago while searching for answers but now I need input and I see some of the great advice given by the people here and could use some myself.

Bit of background - I am a 40 year old man and have been married to the love of my life for just over ten years now. She is 37. It is the second marriage for both of us. I have one boy from my first marriage, now 16 and she has two boys from her first - 10 and 19. My first marriage ended when my ex-wife notified me out of the blue that she was leaving me for her high school sweetheart and my wife's first marriage ended when her husband ran off with the 18 year old babysitter. We have been happily married for ten years, we are financially stable and life was good - very good, at least until recently.

Not long after New Year's day, my wife's sister came to visit and told us about a New Year's party she attended where she ran into a childhood friend of theirs. Let's call him T. T gave my wife's sister his email and said he'd like to keep in touch with her and my wife. I should say that her sister is married as well (but in a troubled marriage). Her sister gave my wife the email address and a week or so later, my wife emailled him. She told me about it and even showed me the email, just the standard "Hey, how are you? How's life? Here's what I've been up to", etc. She did tell him about me and our marriage and described it as "blissful"

His initial reply was similiar but there were a couple things that kind of bothered me. Not so much in what he said, but the general tone and one thing he said made the hair on my neck stand up - "Ever go out for club nights with the girls? Where to?" To me that translates to "When can I see you in an environment where you may be drinking without your husband around?" I said as much to my wife, but she responded that I was being silly and she doesn't go to clubs without me anyway.

Over the following weeks, they emailled a few times and then, around March, they started chatting on MSN. I found that out quite by accident. That's when I started getting suspicious and checked her chat history and her emails. I have been an IT Manager for many years and I know my way inside a computer. Here is a sample of what I saw:

Her: So your a fireman? Have you been a hero?

Her: Men in uniform make me melt.

Him: I don't have a problem going slow, but I want to meet soon for a coffee if nothing else.

The tone of their conversations sound flirty to me even though they speak of their spouses. He did tell her his marriage is in trouble and he could use a female perspective but I haven't seen any other mention of it.

Right or wrong I confronted her about it and why she didn't tell me. She maintained it was innocent, that they haven't met and that I needed to trust her. She continued to chat with him but she figured out how to turn off the chat recording. That made me suspicious so I installed a keylogger, but before I could she and I talked about the situation and I pointed out the many things that bothered me about her conversations with him. She told me that if the situations were reversed she would expect me to end all contact but she wasn't sure how to "word it" so we wrote the email together. Basically, it was "This has gotten out of hand, I am happily married, never intended any intimate conversation, respect our spouses" and so on. She told me he kept sending her emails and wanting to chat. I suggested she block him and delete him and I would intervene if she wanted me to. It was around then I installed the keylogger but did not check it (it's an old one I used on the kids computers so you have to be on the computer to check the logs). That was a couple of weeks ago.

Last week, her computer was having trouble and she wanted me to check it so I pulled the logs and she chatted with him last Tuesday. Here is the entire chat:

Him: You must have been disappointed, you don't even miss me.

Her: Can't chat. Don't know if it is being recorded.

Him: Then call me.

Her: Sec

I had tried to reach her on Tuesday, but couldn't. She had told me she was showing a house (she is a realtor) and I confronted her about it. A major blowup resulted and she admitted that she had gone to his house when she told me she was working. She threw everything back in my face, saying that she was sorry - sorry that my jealousy and controlling behaviour led her to having to lie just to help a dear friend through a rough time. WTH?????

Things have calmed down since, but there is a real tension in the air and I have no idea what to do or how to handle it. Anytime I mention it, I get the standard "Nothing is going on, just a friend in need. You need to stop being so jealous" Is this what you folks call an emotional affair (EA?). Sorry, I don't know all the abbreviations here. Any advice how to handle it would be appreciated.

Yes she is having an affiar...purchase a GPS for her car and a VAR, there, is where you will find your evidence because she knows about the installer on the computer. If they are chatting it is most likely inside the car.

Get all the evidence you need and expose the A to EVERYONE! Friends, Family, Co-workers, kids, etc....I know this will be hard but if you truly want to save your marriage then that is your best bet

Sorry you are here, but you also need to read EVERYTHING on this site...start HERE...

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...t&Number=2370240&nt=9&page=1

There is good stuff on that thread!

GOOD LUCK!

Welcome to MB and I am sorry you are here.

Have you done any other snooping on your wife? Have you thought about a GPS? VAR? There is also a phone tapping device you can buy at Radio Shack.

If you do snoop on your wife more, and you find things(which I am almost positive you WILL), DON'T USE IT right away. You will use it at the right time and in the right way.

Here is a thread I started for newly betrayed spouses. You should read it and ask questions as you need to.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Yep its an EA. Sorry to hear it. You need to be strong and contact his wife. Get her copies of the chats and e-mails. Let your kids and her family know. If needed show them the e-mails too. Tell her that "we will ask the kids their opinion too"

BEAT YA Scotland! I just love that thread you started it helps out a ton!!

I would actually assume it is physical, you know she was over his house, so I am 90% sure they did something! Why do you think your wife is so defensive? When she starts to get angry more, giving you excuses, and lying, it is because she is hiding something.

It could also be a PA. At the very least it is an EA.

Thanks for the quick replies and the links guys. Looks like I have a lot of reading to do (and I've already done a bunch before I posted)

I truly don't believe this has become physical. maybe I'm delusional but I just don't feel it. Or do I not want to believe it?

One thing I can't seem to get my head around is the calling of this type of situation an affair. I get the reasoning for it, but it goes against what I always defined an affair to be. No doubt there are lots of preconceptions I will have to deal with.

Now off to do some reading.

Thanks Again.

It is mainly this...you do not want to believe it, but I would assume the worst right about now, even if it's not a PA, then it sure is a EA, and EA's can still destroy a family! Trust me! I was in 2 EA's before my husband finally exposed, and right after he did that, the fog started to lift, and the fantasy died very quickly!

One quick question - what's a VAR?

It is a Voice Activated Recorder

Voice Activated Recorder

Hey STOP THAT. HEHEHEHE.

I don't type very fast. :P

I am going to go back to playing Farmville on FB now.

end t/j

ok, this has evolved to a full fledged affair, I am sorry to say. Is the OM married?

HAHAHA!! Sorry I do type fast but it never hurts to give advise twice! heh heh

Yes he is married, well that is what I had read,

Yup.

tlcanuck, besides spying to gather intel, you need to find OM's address, phone number...everything you can.

B/c once you find evidence, you'll need to expose this affair to everyone. ESPECIALLY to OM's W. She can be your greatest ally in breaking up this affair.

DO NOT warn your WW that you intend to do this. Exposure must be a surprise, in order to be most effective.

And I agree w/ Mel, your WW is in a full fledged affair. NOT just an emotional affair.

Also, check your WW's phone records.

tlacanuck, like the others said exposure is your greatest weapon against the affair. In your case, I would predict it will end the affair fairly quickly because the OM is not going to want to lose his marriage over a piece of fun.

Here is what Dr Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders says about exposure:

entire article here

I agree. OM was just looking for some fun.

You picked it up w/ that first email of his. He just had to be patient and meet your WW's number one EN for conversation, and then he'd get what he wanted from her.

Once this affair is exposed, the A will fall apart.

Her anger at you after discovering she met w/ him, was all about getting you to BACK OFF, so she can continue her A w/o you interfering.