tlcanuck, the best way to handle it is to get your evidence and call up his wife. The affair would likely end that day. Dont delay in this. Exposure is your most powerful weapon.

The longer you put this off, the more entrenched the affair and the harder it will be to break it up.


You do understand that was bad advice, right? The closer you are, the healthier your marriage.

Drive to his home and tell her in person.

Honesty is for recovery, not for when your marriage is under assault.

This may be the stupidest comment I ever made but a realization just hit me.

MY WIFE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!

It doesn't matter what the affair involves, my darling wife, the love of my life has betrayed me and our family. The one person who I could always depend on, the one I could always trust to have my back has torn my heart to shreds.

THIS SUCKS!

We know, friend. BUT, you can save your marriage if you will listen to the advice you are getting here. I am getting concerned for you because the longer you wait, the more entrenched the affair becomes. The sooner you expose this affair, the sooner your marriage can be recovered.

You still need solid evidence to confront her with.

Get the VAR into her car. They're cheap and available at any Radio Shack.

Get into her emails, print them out.

Expose this stuff to OM's wife ASAP. This is the one key component to ending this.

Once you have solid, undeniable evidence, then expose to everyone, including the kids.

Keep your head about you. Remember that you're not dealing with your wife, but an alien that is controlling your wife's body.

Her over the top reaction to the question about sleeping with him says a lot.

I'm a newly married man.

A woman I once went out with 18 years ago contacted me on FB a few months ago. She was fishing for attention and possibly more. It was subtle on her part, disguised as some sort of attempt to reach out as a friend to someone she once thought fondly of.

I shared the contact with my fianc�. She was uneasy with my communications with this woman. I continued it momentarily simply because I was curious and couldn�t remember who she was.

But my the contact really bothered my fianc�, despite the fact that I kept it very transparent and let her read the emails. She broke down and cried.

That was enough for me. I didn�t need the friendship and my relationship with my fianc� was much more important to me than the contact of some woman I couldn�t remember from 18 years ago.

I stopped it right then and there and told this other woman that it bothered me that she wouldn�t answer questions about whether or not she was married and I flat out told her that her contact with me was inappropriate. I told her that I was getting married soon, didn�t need female friends, and that she needed to find resources to fix her own marriage.

The point is that I ended it and haven�t thought twice about it. My relationship with my wife is too important to risk it over any such �friendships�.

These aren�t friendships. This OM is fishing for an affair and for attention that he�s not getting from his wife.

I�m willing to bet a month�s salary that this man�s wife knows little to nothing about what he�s doing and how unhappy he is and the fact that they are supposedly having problems.

Who knows what your WW is saying to OM. Don�t be surprised that it isn�t flattering.

Logic is wasted on an active WS.

Relationship talk just makes matters worse - the WS will use that against the BS and try to paint the BS as unreasonable, controlling, etc. for suggesting that the WS's actions were damaging the relationship.

Good play on the "inviting the guy" over BTW.

You need to expose your WW's A before it gets any worse. If you believe you need more evidence, you need to start getting that immediately (a VAR would be a good start).

How old are your kids? They should also be informed in an age-appropriate manner.

How old are your kids?

Whatever you do, DO NOT move out of your house!!! Many men make that mistake and lose custudy of their kids b/c the courts look at it as abandonment.

If she wants out, SHE moves out. And do NOT move out of your bedroom. If she doesn't want to sleep w/ you, SHE moves out.

Good job suggesting she invite him over.

Tell OMW.

Did you pick up any VAR?

Put one under the seat of her car.

Then slap a GPS on it. Don't tell her what you've found until you expose.

You call her parents, friends...OM's wife, his parents. Anyone you think might put pressure on them to end this affair.

Yes, your W is having an A. The fact that she slapped you when you asked her whether she had slept with OM is a huge red flag. Waywards get very angry when their dirty little secret is exposed. You have to expose this A to the OM's W. The OM's W is probably mad at him because he is cheating and she knows it. Just imagine, he brought another woman into her house without her being there. That is too disrespectful. I know it's hard for you to believe that your W is capable of lying and cheating but those of us who thought our spouses were so honest and faithful and found out they were having an A will tell you that your W behavior is inappropriate and she is committing adultery not counseling a friend. Why does she feel the need to counsel a MM? If she has nothing to hide why would she act weird about you and her doing the "counseling". Where theres smoke theres fire.

I have to agree with cobol_girl. Your wife has no business in another married man's house without his wife being there. That is disrespectful to you and to the OMW. She is way out of line here and definitely in an affair.Man-up and stand up or she will put you down.

OK, I took an hour break from work and had the meltdown. Emotions are purged and now it's time to get cool and get active. I really don't know if I will continue in this marriage based on what I find out, but I need to KNOW. I was offered the job I currently hold because I maintain critical systems and I am very cool and composed under immense pressure. Time to draw on those qualities now. Screw the morals, it's time to go to war.

Luckily things are slow at work and all systems are running smoothly, so I have some free time. So now, first things first, I need to get facts. I'm going to let the storm from last night blow over and not speak of the A unless she brings it up, to which I will let her know I'm not happy about it but know there is nothing I can do about it (Yeah, right).

First, snooping. GPS goes in the car today. I have to find a VAR and get that installed as well. The keylogger is on her computer and I will leave it there but I'm not hopeful of getting much there. When she goes out in the evening for work (showing a house, etc.) I think I will take a nice relaxing bike ride. There's a guy I ride with who I'm sure will loan me his car so I will go to his place, grab his car and swing by wherever she says she is showing houses.

Second, I need to find his address somehow, both to check on whether my W is there and to get in contact with his wife. She and I need to get together and start comparing notes, warning each other when our spouses go out, etc. Hopefully, she will not want to go ballistic and confront right away but, instead, gather all the information we need first and then drop the bomb. I'm going to point her here as well. Just have to find her first. Maybe the GPS will give me addresses I can compare to the phone book if she happens to go to his house again.

Third, I need allies. I don't have a lot to choose from. Both my parents passed away in the last two years. I have two sisters but one of them is pretty explosive and I don't want her acting differently towards my W just yet. My W has one sister who has a great husband (but darling, he's a control freak and that's why dear sis had the affair year's ago). Her Mom had a string of affairs in the past at the time her Dad was an alcoholic so she's out. He's been sober for over 5 years and he and I are very close. His other son in law is close to his own Dad but W's father and I are very close. I am sort of the son he never had and he stepped up big time when my Dad died so he's definitely one. I don't want to involve the kids just yet, at least not until I have solid information and I need to think about how to handle that part of it.

Finally, when I get the solid data I need, they are not going to know what hit them. I will go see him in my most intimidating form and politely give him his options and I will let her know what has to happen (assuming I know myself at that point).

Now, questions:

I know from reading here that exposure has to be all at once and I need to expose exactly what is going on so do I involve other people like her Dad now or wait until I have solid information? His W is a given but what about others?

I know I have to avoid R talk, but what if she brings up the A? Do I continue to let her know how I feel or just brush it off as if I've gotten over it? I plan to act as if it's no big deal but what if she presses the issue?

I have absolutely no desire to be intimate with her now so what do I do when she approaches me for SF as she usually does if it's been more than a few days? I have never rejected her advances in that way.

Our kids are almost 11 (next week), 16 and 19. Even though she had the youngest and oldest before we got together, they are all my kids. We met when she was pregnant with her second (her XH ran off with the babysitter the day he found out she was pregnant) and we got married before the youngest was a year old so, to him, I am Dad and I always have been. The 19 year old never ever had a close relationship with his biological father even before he walked out and has had no contact with him since and he and I are very close, best buddies, and he turns to me for everything. The gift he got for me this past father's day still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. So, no matter who donated the sperm, they are all three my kids and will be forever. I legally adopted both boys years ago, but I'm not sure what my legal rights are. I will need to find out, but I will not abandon them no matter what.

I will not leave the house or the bedroom unless I decide to leave permanently in which case legal agreements will be done well beforehand. If she wants out, she will have to go.

NOOOOOO. Don't invite OMW here.

You have no idea if she can be trusted to keep MB a secret from her WH. This is YOUR place. Keep it secret from his wife for now too. Also, you can't count on her to keep quiet about you talking to her. So, I wouldn't talk to her until you are ready to tell everyone.

Exposure is most effective when it is done all at once.



Act upbeat, and casual around her. But, if she brings it up, absolutely tell her how much her continued contact w/ him hurts you and your marriage.

You want to be Mr. cool around her until you get the intel. Even if she is careful, she will slip up. They always do.

Also, I know you are saying you will bail on the marriage if you find out she is cheating on you, but you still need to break up the affair, b/c if you D her, you don't want OM around your kids.

Understood. Thanks.

But you can share MB principles w/ her.

When you get your proof first come to let the vets guide you through the next steps

It may just be me and my cloudy mind... but I don't understand this. She had the youngest AND oldest before you got together? You met when she was pregnant with her second?

(Shaking head) I guess I just don't understand this. Sorry, can you clarify?

LOL Yeah.

I think what he meant to say was that her first two children were from her first M.

The youngest one is from their M.

Blended family. The oldest and youngest are hers, the middle one is his.

TL you are getting great advice. The VAR will be your ace in the hole. I would suggest getting a couple of them, one for her car and one for you to carry around on your person. WW's can be quick to play the DV card, and if you have audio of her starting and escalating an altercation it can keep you out of jail. Look up PSUBiker's story.

If she swings at you again, call the police and have her removed from the home. Abuse is not to be tolerated.