I think he means she had HER youngest and oldest before they got together. Oldest was already alive, HER youngest (now the middle child) on the way.

THEIR 11 year old is the youngest one, now.

tl, I see several items that are big red flags about your wife. First her mother is a serial adulterer, and her sister has committed adultery. From the timeline of your story it is likely that you met and began your relationship before her first marriage was 'officially' over i.e. before the divorce was finalized. Her husband may have run off, but from the way you describe it she was likely still married?

This indicates that she has a very poor respect for marriage. That it is something you do when you feel like it and for as long as it feels good. When it stops feeling good she gives herself permission to go find someone else to feel good with.

You're early in dealing with this, Exposure and Plan A are your way to go, but realize that this is an element of her character that MUST be addressed if you recover this marriage. She has the makings of a serial adulteress.

If this is the case, then you need to examine yourself as well. Something about your belief system made it ok for you to go after a married woman (regardless of the circumstances she found herself in). I question your respect for marriage as well. In order to recover you will have to also examine your beliefs and respect for marriage, because there are flaws in it that will leave you exposed for an affair in the future as well (especially now as you've been cheated on, as having a cheating spouse makes you more susceptible to an affair of your own.)

Ohhhh, OK that makes sense. Thanks.

Nope.

My son was 4 when my XW walked out (he's now 16). My current W had an 8 year old son and was pregnant on her second son. When she told her then H, within a few days he walked out and took up with their former babysitter leaving her alone. Later in her pregnancy, she was at the hospital while I was visiting my Dad who had had an operation. We ended up in the cafeteria at the same time and she realized she had left her wallet out of her purse when she was about to pay for her tea, so I bought it for her and we got to talking a bit. She insisted on getting my phone number so she could repay me for the tea (which she later admitted was just a way to get my number) and we started talking on the phone and went to a movie not long after, during which she went into labor. I ended up taking her to the hospital and things sort of snowballed from there until we were married a little less than a year later.

That story used to make me smile and laugh and remember so fondly............

So, to clarify. The now almost 11 year old and the 19 year old are "hers". The 16 year old is "mine". We did not "create" any children together but all three are "our kids" and we both do not like it when people refer to them as "mine" or "hers"

Okay, gotcha!! Thanks y'all!

Ok, more to clarify. We both have always had the utmost respect for marriage (at least until now). Of all the people her sister turned to for help during her A, my wife was the lead "2X4 swinger" and she has never fully forgiven her mother for her transgressions. She was always so very vehement about loyalty and faithfulness in marriage. One of the reasons I don't get this at all.

When we met I was newly divorced, but separated for well over a year. She was separated and in the process of divorce. We became friends and friends only at first. I was there for her through the end of her pregnancy and when she brought the baby home, as a friend only. Her XH did not contact her in any way during or after her pregnancy and she needed support but it was not in a romantic way. I guess it came down to her needing someone to lean on and me needing someone to need me.

At first, I wanted no romantic involvement because a) she was still married regardless of the situation and b) pregnant women and women who have recently given birth have scary hormone things happening. We became the best of friends though and her D became final and then a couple months later I gave her a drive to look at a new apartment when she asked me to stop the car and turned to me and said "I love you". At that moment I realized I had fell in love too.

Our story was a real life love story. Now it's turned into a tragedy.

Tic --

So sorry you're here. This place is the BEST tho, for what you are going through.

I really think it won't take long for you to get your proof. So hold off on exposing for a day or two. Just be Mr. Cool until then.

Sorry; but that slap was just a diversion to avoid answering the question. You never did get an answer, did you?

Next -- take off the rose-colored-glasses. Hate to tell you, but every single person comes her saying their marriage was a fairy tale. Jump off the pedestal and start taking a good hard look at your marraige. There are some vulnerabilities that you need to address. Where did OM find his opening? What would you determine her top Emotional Needs to be, and where might you have been negligent? Get that gap closed up.

Get into Plan A mode, while still doing your investigating.

First thing:

I have to give you massive kudos and applause. You�re not reacting like most BH�s (including myself) react. Most are afraid. Most fear snooping and confronting.

You�re being smart and doing things the right way.

I hold a small kernel of hope that this has not progressed beyond flirting with OM online. It�s a sliver of hope and I honestly want that to be the case.

BUT history and stories like yours say otherwise.

My suggestion to you if she brings up OM again: simply say, �WW, you know how I feel about the situation. I don�t wish to discuss it any further.�

Don�t let her bait you into an argument about him. By not arguing with her, you�re disarming any arguments she may try to make about you being a control freak.

I will have to warn you that the search for the truth does become an obsession. I looked through EVERYTHING. I looked inside the drawers in our bedroom, the pockets in her clothes, her purse, her cell, etc.

Do you have access to the cell phone records? That is a big clue for you. That can help you with numbers.

If you do happen to catch her in a lie about her whereabouts, keep it to yourself. Trust me when I tell you that revealing that you�re spying will make her harder to spy on.

Have you looked up online if she has a facebook page? Does he? These could be good sources of info.

When you have your solid, undeniable evidence, then you must confront her with it. There are techniques in interrogation which will be helpful to use.

You start by asking a question you already know the answer to and can disput any lie of hers. For example, �Have you talked to OM on the phone recently?�

She might lie and deny. If she says she doesn�t have his number, you spout the number to her, having gotten it from the phone records. If she denies talking to him recently, you can mention the time and length of the last call to him.

If you have proof of her being at his home, you ask, �When was the last time you were in his home?�

She will likely lie again. At that point, you reveal that you know she was there at an exact time based on a picture of her car there or of a GPS showing as much.

What this does is it makes you appear like you know a lot more than she thinks you do and that there is no point in hiding anything anymore. This is when a suspect starts to spew a heck of a lot more info than what you know. They figure that you know everything, so they simply start confessing to what they think you already know.

Has she called you to apologize for the slap?

The key thing for you right now is to hold everything quiet and act like all is well while you gather your evidence. You may even lower her guard by letting her think you�re not worried about things.

Remember, this isn�t your wife. She�s an alien in your wife�s body. She�s not the woman you married and is protecting an addiction and secret.

But kudos to you. You are showing you�re a man with a pair and that is fantastic. I wish I had had your strength. Like you, I was trained to be cool under pressure, but I was a ball of mush when all this was thrown on my plate. I had no ball$. You do and I commend you for it.

Read other�s threads to show the differences between BH�s who act and those that waffle.

I have a feeling your WW is one which is a good candidate for the MB principles to work on. Some women are hopelessly lost in the affair and no Plan A or B ever shakes them out in time. Your WW sounds like she was a good woman who let her guard down and was attracted to the wounded bird.

The guy can pay for a counselor if he needs one. Your WW doesn�t need to fill that role.

Thanks for the kind words, helpthelostdads, but I have reacted and continue to in much the same way many here have. I just refuse to break down in front of her. Maybe the one time when my pride serves me well. Calm, cool and reasonable, that will be me when around her. If I lose it as I have and no doubt will again, I will do it alone.

This site is golden and the proof of it's effectiveness lies in the stories I have read so I will continue to read and learn all I can on here and follow the advice of others like you who have learned the painful lessons.

I feel so bad for all the good people on here and for the reasons you came here, but I am so very grateful for you being here now. Sorry for that.........

Wish I had had similar pride.

We're here for you and it is great to get the many different opinions.

Have you snooped in other ways? Have you looked through her nighstand, car, pockets, drawers?

What about phone records? Browser history on the computer?

Can you guess her passwords for her email?

I haven't snooped to that extent but I am about to transform into Sam Slade, PI. Any and all snooping tips are welcome and appreciated.

I think I am going to see the OM tonight. I know the fire station he works at (if my W was honest about that part) and I know firemen in this area work rotations so it's a shot in the dark as to whether he will be there but still. The blowup from last night is fresh so maybe today is the best day to do it.

As I said before, I have a fairly imposing frame and can be very intimidating (just ask my kids) so I'm thinking I'll pull on a t-shirt I have that is a size too small, jeans, biker boots, leather jacket and sunglasses. My most imposing look.

I will ask if he is there and when he comes out I will introduce myself:

"Hello, do you recognize me?"

And then say to him with my voice dripping with politeness:

"I am WW husband. You have been carrying on with something inappropriate with my wife. That NEEDS to stop. You see, I'd really like to be reasonable and settle this without further incident and it would be unfortunate if this were to continue and cause the kind of PAIN which can result from such actions. Do you fully understand what I am saying?"

Thoughts?

When you go to confront OM, can you take a friend, brother, someone with you? This will add to the intimidation factor, help to keep you and control and also be a witness for you incase OM tries to say you threatened him etc.

Some guys support that approach. I would take that approach only if you uncover undeniable proof of an affair.

I also would wait to have more evidence since WW could use such an incident to say, "I have a crazy and jealous husband. Look at what he is doing. He thinks something is going on that isn't."

If, however, you have solid proof, then by all means.

Your gut will want you to do this. Your arms will literally burn to do something (it's your blood pressure being crazy high).

So it's something you can and perhaps should do AFTER you have solid and undeniable evidence.

Contacting his W should be your first priority.

You're right and it's not just my arms burning. I feel like my insides are shaking and burning with the need to do something, anything. Just something to take action. I will not be stupid though so if I do decide to go see him I will ensure I have a witness present.

That�s a feeling you�re going to carry with you for some time. I had it and it keeps you up at night.

I want to make sure I understand a few things:

Has she admitted to being alone with him?
Have you uncovered any more damning evidence of exchanges between them?
What do the phone records tell you?
Can you use a service like Inellius to get his home number and his wife�s name?

She has admitted to only that first(?) time she went to visit him. Said they just had a catch up chat (as if they needed it since they'd been emailling and chatting on the computer for weeks).

She freely admits that she talks to him but it's totally innocent.

She has gotten very careful with her phone since our phones are a family plan and I have full access to her call logs through the cell company. However, she is a realtor and that means many many strange numbers.

I live in Canada so services like Inellius are not available and all I have is a name and there are over 20 names in our phone book that could fit. I know from an old chat history though what his wife drives so I think I just need to swing by each of the addresses in the book and look for the vehicle. Time for a bike ride I think.

Do you think she uses the home phone at all to talk to OM? They sell devices at Radio Shack to convert the phone signal into a mic signal that you can attach to a voice activated cassette player. You can even attach it into a computer and use programs that do voice activated recording.

Do you have regular phone service or internet VOIP phone? If it's VOIP, many providers will have logs of every phone call.

Use your phone bill and try to isolate HIS phone number.
Look for large volumes of calls to the same number -- or LENGTHY calls to a certain number.

Then call it from another source to verify it is him.

Does she have a smartphone? Try Flexispy. You can download it to her phone. Does her phone have a sim card? Get a sim card reader.

I've heard it suggested to ask OM what his intentions are with your wife and then when he stammers.... noth... nothi... nothing...., that's when you inform him that if he doesn't back off that hell is coming. You guarantee it.

This should not be done BEFORE you tell his wife, tlc. If you do this first, then he will get to his wife and spin you as "some jealous wackjob that things everyone is chasing his wife." Then when you do get to her you will have been discredited and she won't listen to any thing you say.

Your best bet is to get the proof [hire a PI] and then expose, starting with the OW. Just confronting the OM without getting evidence or exposing the affair will get you very little because they may go further underground.