Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
77club #2404609 07/13/10 05:10 PM
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
7
77club Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
7
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
***edit***

Last edited by McLovin; 07/15/10 12:47 AM. Reason: removing personal info at member's request

BS -me 69 WS - him 68
Married 40 years
OW - "daughter" added to family 1/05 for "Fathering healing" - 26 years younger
EA 1/05 - 12/07 PA 8/07 - 12/07
NC 1/08
DDay March 30, 2008
Separation Feb. 17, 2010 two days before our 33 anniversary
DDs 31, 25
WH served me for divorce Sept. 18, 2014
77club #2405036 07/14/10 01:44 PM
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
7
77club Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
7
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
.

Last edited by McLovin; 07/15/10 12:49 AM. Reason: request for mod assist

BS -me 69 WS - him 68
Married 40 years
OW - "daughter" added to family 1/05 for "Fathering healing" - 26 years younger
EA 1/05 - 12/07 PA 8/07 - 12/07
NC 1/08
DDay March 30, 2008
Separation Feb. 17, 2010 two days before our 33 anniversary
DDs 31, 25
WH served me for divorce Sept. 18, 2014
77club #2405079 07/14/10 02:31 PM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
You can edit it out yourself, 77...just click on "Edit" on that post and remove it.

If you have any problem doing so, click the "Notify" button and email the moderators.

Also, when you post an email address and you don't want the spiders to pick it up, put spaces in it and use the word 'at' instead of the symbol. That way, you won't get a ton of spam for the time it is up for someone.

LA

Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
<groan> Wish I'd known that before I posted MINE...
Ah, the spamblocker will probably catch 'em.


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
7
77club Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
7
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
thanks, but I tried to delete it this morning and they said it could no longer be deleted. I have sent a notice using the notify button. Thanks.


BS -me 69 WS - him 68
Married 40 years
OW - "daughter" added to family 1/05 for "Fathering healing" - 26 years younger
EA 1/05 - 12/07 PA 8/07 - 12/07
NC 1/08
DDay March 30, 2008
Separation Feb. 17, 2010 two days before our 33 anniversary
DDs 31, 25
WH served me for divorce Sept. 18, 2014
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
Thanks much, McLovin!


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
7
77club Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
7
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
Update:

My H took until the end of August to sign a new nonlegal separation agreement that expired in May. He has decided to not decide.

I convinced him to let me take over the bill paying in August after all the bills were 2 months overdue, the internet threatened to turn off and the auto insurance lapsed. He didn't have time to pay the bills (but he had time to play every weekend).

Took me 6 weeks to balance the checkbook -- he hadn't tallied anything since May and said he had a hard time knowing how much money was in the account.

My youngest daughter (rape victim) is back in college and in a serious relationship with the former boyfriend from high school who will leave for basic training with the Air Force in Jan. She is talking wedding. I believe she is trying to find the MAN who will care for her since none have panned out so far - birth father, adoptive father, rapist, jerky boyfriends)

Oldest daughter and I are slaving at home to maintain house and property. Apple harvest, basement rehab after winter flooding, rotten porch replacement, and winterizing. I am tired of doing both man and woman's work!

Just when I was getting ready to enjoy Fall, start sewing and crafting for Christmas and start a new exercise program, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

The "rain" has not stopped: husband's infidelity, broken back, daughter's rape, and now, breast cancer.

My mom died from BC at age 52. My sister was diagnosed at 53 and I walked with her through 2 surgeries, chemo and radiation, living with her a week a a time after each surgery and chemo treatment. (While my H and OW had all that time to each other in my home)

I see a surgeon Oct. 20th. I'm pretty sure lumpectomy is in order. As to chemo or other medication therapy, will have to hear the Drs. recommendation -- what with my family history being so bad.

When does it stop "raining"?


BS -me 69 WS - him 68
Married 40 years
OW - "daughter" added to family 1/05 for "Fathering healing" - 26 years younger
EA 1/05 - 12/07 PA 8/07 - 12/07
NC 1/08
DDay March 30, 2008
Separation Feb. 17, 2010 two days before our 33 anniversary
DDs 31, 25
WH served me for divorce Sept. 18, 2014
77club #2434109 10/11/10 11:29 PM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
Hello 77. I am so sorry to hear of the latest developments. Will be praying for you on the 20th, that this will be caught early, and resolved. I know how much this will weigh on your mind until you know more. Godspeed. (((77)))

Doesn't sound like your WH has made much progress. Real slow learner, that one. Since you are posting on the Divorced/Divorcing thread, can I assume a D is in progress? Or is he still enjoying all the administrative services you provide, while he parties like a frat boy with no end in sight? Have you seen a lawyer?


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
7
77club Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
7
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
I don't know WHAT kind of progress, or even what "progress" means in this situation, he has made.

As it stands now, neither of us can proceed with divorce or legal separation without letting the other know ahead of time.

He does not want to make a decision, he does not want to "fail" at marriage. (As I tell him, we already have, so where do you want to go from here?)

After I finally wrote out a new agreement and much arm twisting, months later he finally signed it and dated it to extend until next Feb. at which time we will have been separated a year.

He has the better deal - just puts some money in our checking acct. every week (he usually remembers, but not always) has no home responsibilities where he lives except to help muck horse stalls, plays most weekends, doesn't have to do anything for his invalid Dad, sister feeds him every Sunday night and sends home let-overs (or any other night of the week he cares to show up at his Dad's when his sister makes dinner - 5 nights a week)gets to see his children most times he wants and only really attends to any chores at our home if it is something his daughter asks to get done or have help getting done.

It's hard to watch OUR friends invite him to activities with them that we both used to do, but now only he is invited to. I understand their awkwardness and if it is an activity the guys "do" and the wives just hang out (like diving for abalone) he is the one they really want to play with. But it's hard to always be left out and learn about the camping, fishing, ocean trips later.

This Sunday my daughter and I invited our church and other friends to harvest and take apples, enjoy a potluck and fellowship at our home. We busted our butts finishing the basement repair, setting up the yard for potluck, collecting boxes for apples, making food, etc.

Many friends I looked forward to seeing didn't come. Last night I learned they were all at the coast - with my husband. They aren't malicious or secretive, they just diplomatically don't mention what they have done or with who.

I feel like I'm the last to know, the one from whom the great secret is being kept - everybody knows but me, I'm living in an artificial reality,

But even harder is the feeling that he is preferred over me. The one who betrayed us all gets to continue in wonderful relationship with our friends as if nothing happened while I am the estranged one.

Once again the "I am the one being punished for his adultery " thought raises its ugly head.

The friends still talk to me, but gosh darn it, I haven't been camping or fishing or hiking or to the ocean all summer. I've been home slugging it out on the basement, porch, orchard, etc. I miss nature and the outings I enjoy.

I feel like the second class citizen of physical fitness. She can't do this or that because she has to take it easy because of her injured back. Now she has to take it easy because of breast surgery.

I feel rejected as a wife emotionally and physically. Damaged goods physically because of my broken back and now, breast cancer, failed as a parent because my daughter chose to go against all my best training and put herself at risk and was violated (I know you will say, not your fault, her choice, but a parent still feels like they didn't do enough and people will think, "so much for her parenting technique, look what happened to her daughter!")

So here's my pity party. Last night was hard. When it all hits at once and now I have to factor in the possibility that THIS is it, I may not have much more life to live, more time to restore what has been lost, give what I still have to give to grandchildren I will never see or know. Pretty tough. I am not feeling old enough to "go" yet.

I still feel cheated.


BS -me 69 WS - him 68
Married 40 years
OW - "daughter" added to family 1/05 for "Fathering healing" - 26 years younger
EA 1/05 - 12/07 PA 8/07 - 12/07
NC 1/08
DDay March 30, 2008
Separation Feb. 17, 2010 two days before our 33 anniversary
DDs 31, 25
WH served me for divorce Sept. 18, 2014
77club #2434444 10/13/10 01:37 AM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted By: 77club
I don't know WHAT kind of progress, or even what "progress" means in this situation, he has made.


Safe to say there's been none, if this is what we've got all these many months later.

Originally Posted By: 77club
As it stands now, neither of us can proceed with divorce or legal separation without letting the other know ahead of time.


I have to wonder, what's stopping you from letting him know? Especially since...

Originally Posted By: 77club
He has the better deal - just puts some money in our checking acct. every week (he usually remembers, but not always) has no home responsibilities where he lives except to help muck horse stalls, plays most weekends, doesn't have to do anything for his invalid Dad, sister feeds him every Sunday night and sends home let-overs (or any other night of the week he cares to show up at his Dad's when his sister makes dinner - 5 nights a week)gets to see his children most times he wants and only really attends to any chores at our home if it is something his daughter asks to get done or have help getting done.


What's in this for YOU? What about YOUR life?

Originally Posted By: 77club
It's hard to watch OUR friends invite him to activities with them that we both used to do, but now only he is invited to.


I know this hurts. Glad you realize it's not vindictive on their part, but it sure is insensitive. Yes, people sometimes don't know how to respond in awkward situations, but still... You're learning who your friends really are.

I hope you can take pleasure in the friends who DO show up, like for the apple picking. Can you get together with any of these women, one-on-one? Lunch? Coffee? You're going to need support as you go through this breast cancer procedure. I pray with you that it will be easily resolved.

Originally Posted By: 77club
...failed as a parent because my daughter chose to go against all my best training and put herself at risk and was violated (I know you will say, not your fault, her choice, but a parent still feels like they didn't do enough and people will think, "so much for her parenting technique, look what happened to her daughter!")


Yes, you know it's not your fault. Thing is, you couldn't control your daughter's innocent, foolish choices, despite your good parenting. Nor can you control what others (may) think or how they (may) judge it. Don't give those thoughts room in your head, because it's ALL conjecture on your part. Don't torture yourself with conjecture!

Originally Posted By: 77club
...and now I have to factor in the possibility that THIS is it, I may not have much more life to live, more time to restore what has been lost, give what I still have to give to grandchildren I will never see or know. Pretty tough. I am not feeling old enough to "go" yet.


Oh, 77, I hear you on this. I am a couple of years older than you, and I fear not being around to see our four (so far) grandchildren grow up. They are all little now. I project out 10 years, when they will still be very young, but I won't be, if I'm here at all. I look at the youngest (3 months old) and wonder if he'll ever know his grandma. Longevity is not in my genetic background. I feel cheated by that, but it is what it is.

I think we all have these thoughts when we reach a certain age.

The best response is to live the very best life we can, while we still live. Not let our losses cheat us out of the life and love we have left. Not get stuck in the quagmire of things we don't have.

After working hard through my H's A to keep my sanity, and working exclusively these past 4+ years on recovery, I am looking to put back into my life some of the other, good things that were lost, or put aside to devote every day to that one goal. I mourn those losses (friendships let lapse, a fulfilling job, being engaged with the "outside" world).

In a way, we're both in the same place--reclaiming life, whether divorced or recovered, whether it's one more year, or 10.

Let's talk about ways we care going to do that.


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
7
77club Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
7
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
I have been trying to reclaim life. When I just get up and moving, but still dealing with the sadness and anger of my H's A, that is when something new comes along as another attack against those efforts.

I often see myself as a woman thrown into water over my head...with an enemy attempting to kill me. The safest position is keeping my head down. But, I have to come up to breathe every so often. When I come up, WHAM!! something hits me in the head and down I go struggling for air with blood running over my eyes. Hard to breathe. Hard to see.

I was looking into returning to school to get a Master's degree (funded how, I do not know) when the cancer came up. Instead of meeting with the professor in charge of graduate studies, I was getting a needle biopsy. I am still trying to meet with her. Her office hours are on Tues. mornings. Next Wed I see the surgeon. I was hoping perhaps, to sneak in an appt. with the school BEFORE I get the big C plan just so I can have one day of thinking about a possible future without cancer treatment in it.

I do have a corps of mature Christian women who have all offered to go with me to appts., help in any way they can. None have actually had cancer, but several have had biopsies. A few have broken marriages and we struggle along together --mostly to call each other up to a higher place. We give 2 x 4's up the side of the head to each other to keep us out of the pit of pity thoughts and critical, negative thinking. They do for me what you do.

I let more negativity hang out with you as you are anonymous and don't know my husband or have to ever see us. You don't have to play the "game" of acting normal around us or people who don't know the truth of the A, trying to tiptoe around the 800 lbs. gorilla in the room.

Thanks for reading my posts. I think you are the only one left -- still hanging in there with a rather discouraging gal.


BS -me 69 WS - him 68
Married 40 years
OW - "daughter" added to family 1/05 for "Fathering healing" - 26 years younger
EA 1/05 - 12/07 PA 8/07 - 12/07
NC 1/08
DDay March 30, 2008
Separation Feb. 17, 2010 two days before our 33 anniversary
DDs 31, 25
WH served me for divorce Sept. 18, 2014
77club #2434452 10/13/10 03:45 AM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted By: 77club
I have been trying to reclaim life. When I just get up and moving, but still dealing with the sadness and anger of my H's A, that is when something new comes along as another attack against those efforts.

I often see myself as a woman thrown into water over my head...with an enemy attempting to kill me. The safest position is keeping my head down. But, I have to come up to breathe every so often. When I come up, WHAM!! something hits me in the head and down I go struggling for air with blood running over my eyes. Hard to breathe. Hard to see.


I'm sure you feel like Job sometimes, 77. And I sure don't blame you--you've been dealing with all kinds of garbage for a long time now. My heart goes out to you.

Only person I can think of who's dealt with as much is ChaiLover. Have you read her thread? If not, please look for it--it is very inspiring. She finally reached the other side, and while that didn't include recovering her marriage, she is good with herself. Actually, I think she realized that she was better off without her H, because he continued to treat her shabbily after her very best efforts. But she went through the wringer before she got there.

Originally Posted By: 77club
I was looking into returning to school to get a Master's degree (funded how, I do not know) when the cancer came up. Instead of meeting with the professor in charge of graduate studies, I was getting a needle biopsy. I am still trying to meet with her. Her office hours are on Tues. mornings. Next Wed I see the surgeon. I was hoping perhaps, to sneak in an appt. with the school BEFORE I get the big C plan just so I can have one day of thinking about a possible future without cancer treatment in it.


Absolute bummer. I hope you can pursue this after your procedure. Ask about scholarships! Surely they exist for older women trying to rebuild their life. Ask the professor if there are resources you can check into when you get that meeting.

Originally Posted By: 77club
I do have a corps of mature Christian women who have all offered to go with me to appts., help in any way they can. None have actually had cancer, but several have had biopsies. A few have broken marriages and we struggle along together --mostly to call each other up to a higher place. We give 2 x 4's up the side of the head to each other to keep us out of the pit of pity thoughts and critical, negative thinking. They do for me what you do.


I am SO glad you have these women in your life! Nothing like a friend with a 2x4 to blast you out of a pity party... twoxfour

Originally Posted By: 77club
I let more negativity hang out with you as you are anonymous and don't know my husband or have to ever see us. You don't have to play the "game" of acting normal around us or people who don't know the truth of the A, trying to tiptoe around the 800 lbs. gorilla in the room.


I'm happy to hear you say this. Couldn't have said it better myself. I have found that to be true as well. It IS safe to be totally real with another human being who is very real but anonymous. I have shared more intimate truth with people I've never met than with any of the people I have to face in my day-to-day life. I don't want my life to be a National Inquirer story to the people I deal with face to face! <shudder>

Originally Posted By: 77club
Thanks for reading my posts. I think you are the only one left -- still hanging in there with a rather discouraging gal.


Not discouraging. Discouraged.

I don't know who else is reading (and neither do you). For all we know, there is someone in your spot who is just as discouraged, and searching for the same answers. Maybe something we say here contributes to someone else's resolution--who knows?

Even if if it is just me and you, it's nice to have the company. Glad you posted again after that hiatus. I've been worried about you and wondering what was going on.

Keep me posted.


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
7
77club Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
7
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
Saw my counselor today. Shared the feelings of being left out of activities with old friends in favor of my husband.

She feels I have ruts of negative thinking that the enemy is using to suck the life out of me - victim mentality. I must overcome/change this.

I feel I have been working a long time on that very thing. Taking thoughts captive. Recognizing when I am thinking and following the old path. Declaring His Word over me, etc.

But then something new hits - rape, cancer,H not following through again on what he has said he would do, ? and the negative thoughts come again in force. How can one NOT deal with reality? Isn't that unhealthy to pretend the negative reality isn't there?

So the battlefield, as Joyce Meyer says, is in the mind.

Spent tonight at church learning about the redemptive gift of "teacher" - who intellectualizes and researches everything. So if that is me, is trying to think differently counterproductive to my very temperment? Do I have to become a different person to overcome my husband's A?


BS -me 69 WS - him 68
Married 40 years
OW - "daughter" added to family 1/05 for "Fathering healing" - 26 years younger
EA 1/05 - 12/07 PA 8/07 - 12/07
NC 1/08
DDay March 30, 2008
Separation Feb. 17, 2010 two days before our 33 anniversary
DDs 31, 25
WH served me for divorce Sept. 18, 2014
77club #2533856 08/07/11 01:42 AM
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
7
77club Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
7
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
Haven't posted since Oct. 2010.
Had surgery for breast cancer end of Nov. 2010 - lump tested out as benign despite the biopsy indicating cancer still in the duct. No chemo, no radiation. One follow-up mammo didn't raise any concerns. Thanking God for that.

After recovery turned my attention once again to Master's degree. I had been told to prove myself as a student before attempting to apply to a Master's program. I enrolled in two upper division classes at our local state university through a special extended education offering. I didn't have to be accepted into the university as a full time student.

I was in class with students my daughters' ages. Found out that the kind of student I was as an undergrad (1968-73) is now considered to be an exemplary student. I got A's. So, proved that I can still be a student.

Haven't decided to apply to Master's program as I couldn't start until Fall 2012, will require moving, and have been told I don't need the credentialing of a Masters to do what I want to do - record digitally life stories to archive for historians to use in writing histories and making documentaries of times and movements.

I have spent the last year and summer with continuing home repairs, maintenance and housing and feeding 2 kids. My husband continues to be separated, living with no responsibilities and having fun recreating and vacationing with friends. ( one of our friends says my husband is being an adolescent) I am resentful that I am left with work, financial planning to try and cover everything, bill paying and no money for me to have a vacation or take off every weekend to have fun somewhere as he does.

Then in May he threw a curve at me and bought the house down the road that his father buildt and he lived in until 10 years old when our oldest said she had always hoped to get it back into the family.

I was concerned how to pay for a house that sold above the asking price and called a meeting with my list of demands to take place if he was going to buy this house with OUR money without my agreement. He just "thought" he could do it. Not good enough for me.

Upshot is I spent 2 months searching out, scheduling and paying for replumbing, wiring, painting, floor refinishing, clean-up. Our daughter will move there in Jan after missionaries finish living there gratis for 6 months.

He make the decision, I did the work - he bought it as single occupant, but it is community property, when it was empty was the time to fix it and I needed to make it livable and safe for occupancy. My husband wouldn't have done anything, despite all the warnings in the home inspection report.

I will continue this later. My emotions around all of this are challenging. Even though separated, still being supported by him creates these ongoing situations that always seem to mean more work and heartache for me while he comes out smelling like a rose. Steve Harley told me that he doesn't realize how his actions affect others. That is so true, he's like an adolescent alright, who is concerned only about his own fun and comfort.


BS -me 69 WS - him 68
Married 40 years
OW - "daughter" added to family 1/05 for "Fathering healing" - 26 years younger
EA 1/05 - 12/07 PA 8/07 - 12/07
NC 1/08
DDay March 30, 2008
Separation Feb. 17, 2010 two days before our 33 anniversary
DDs 31, 25
WH served me for divorce Sept. 18, 2014
77club #2533867 08/07/11 07:31 AM
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,587
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,587
77,

You sound much calmer. And it sounds as if you have found something that interests you. Collecting oral histories sounds fascinating. And I am glad you found that you can compete with those young kids in academics. I obtained my PhD as an older student. The hardest class I took was Neuroscience with the medical students. It was rough since my anatomy and microbiology classes had been so many years earlier.

Your husband seems the same - operating in his own little world without thought to anyone else. Do you have a clear-cut, well-defined financial separation? Why did you do all the work on that house if you didn't want to? Why do you do things you don't want to when there are so many things to do that could give you enjoyment?

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
7
77club Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
7
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
No legal separation in place. I am supported by him. Houses are community property - so despite him purchasing the house without my involvment (although I did have a "come to Jesus" meeting with him and let him know that I owned what he bought and carried the same financial responsibility), I would be financially responsible also, and wanted to know what his plan was for PAYING for the house? He "thought" he could cover it from this and that, etc. He actually bought it for our daughter to move into and as part of the family heritage.

It was empty, needed repair and that's the best time to do it. I did it with the thinking in mind that "this is for my daughter, this is to bless my daughter" and tried not to get upset over being left once again to do the work necessary as a result of a situation he created.

I am actually looking forward to my daughter having her own place. She is 27 and has her own life and 'stuff' that needs its own space. My concern is that he will move in with her and she will end up taking care of him -- as he always seems to find people who do that. This could masquerade as daughter "duty".

After finishing that project I thought I would be doing some things I needed and wanted to do for myself when he brought up the barn - some complaint he had about it. After renovating our house 11 years ago, he threw all the leftovers in the barn, much way high up on shelves requiring a 30 ft. ladder and a man to access - things I needed every season. I had asked to be present when the items were stored so as to organize by kind and accessibility. He did it when I wasn't home and tending to my father. There are things I haven't found in 11 years and things I can't get to that I needed seasonally - camping gear on top shelf, summer patio chairs on top shelf, etc.

When he brought up the barn for some reason, I reminded him that I told him years ago I would need him and a man for 1 week to clean out that barn (everything was covered in dirt because he didn't see the point in putting doors between the horse stalls of loamy soil and the stored items in the beginning as I suggested until years later.)

He called back and told me the only week he had was July 11 so I had to go with it because I needed it done. Surprised me that he didn't just drop it as he has done before. I did grueling man work with him for a week and got everything out of the barn, powerwashed, returned, labeled and stored properly. I had a dump truck load of garbage and several thrift shop loads. I am glad it was done, it needed to be done, but just tired of always doing the work. He did do this with me, I don't know why, other than perhaps he wants my "crap" as he calls our belongings, cleared out so it will be easier for him when and if he takes over the place and I leave.

He is the junky piler and unorganized one. I have spent most of my cleaning out projects the last year trying to clean up the yard messes he left. My daughter actually started with the livestock feed room last year. It bugs her too. She couldn't understand why there was motor oil, paint products and insectides in the feed room, AND the shop both. She cleared out the feed room. Encouraged me to see the "messy" genes had not been inherited by her!

More later

Last edited by 77club; 08/14/11 11:11 PM.

BS -me 69 WS - him 68
Married 40 years
OW - "daughter" added to family 1/05 for "Fathering healing" - 26 years younger
EA 1/05 - 12/07 PA 8/07 - 12/07
NC 1/08
DDay March 30, 2008
Separation Feb. 17, 2010 two days before our 33 anniversary
DDs 31, 25
WH served me for divorce Sept. 18, 2014
77club #2535317 08/13/11 06:23 PM
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 699
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 699
Your daughter is 27? Why wasn't she in charge of getting the new/old house fixed up? Why did you take on something as yours when it really should have belonged to her?

Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
7
77club Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
7
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
Purchased by her father. She is newly graduated from college, temporary job that started 2 weeks ago, planning on grad school within two years. She is not able to take on a rental let alone a mortgage.

This was something her father felt he could do to help launch her. HE should have been the one to do the fixing. He works full time, I don't, it was bought with our money. If I wanted to see anything done, I had to do it.

I expect in the future she will take over more and more of the payments and expenses as she gets her feet under her and eventually buy it from us.

I am done. I did my part. All bills, mortgage payments, etc. are his and her responsibility.

If he starts missing mortgage payments, I will have to do a legal separation to prevent my credit from being trashed and get my share out before he mis- uses our funds.

So, the house doesn't belong to my daughter, more like she is a renter. It belongs to my husband and I, although he moved into buying it without consulting me.


BS -me 69 WS - him 68
Married 40 years
OW - "daughter" added to family 1/05 for "Fathering healing" - 26 years younger
EA 1/05 - 12/07 PA 8/07 - 12/07
NC 1/08
DDay March 30, 2008
Separation Feb. 17, 2010 two days before our 33 anniversary
DDs 31, 25
WH served me for divorce Sept. 18, 2014
77club #2535581 08/15/11 08:10 AM
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 699
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 699
Actually, I was asking less about the finances than about the work of getting the house fixed up. Specifically, the part where you said
Quote:
I spent 2 months searching out, scheduling and paying for replumbing, wiring, painting, floor refinishing, clean-up.

Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
7
77club Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
7
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 192
This purchase was not well thought out. I happened to be at the debriefing by the house inspector when I learned of all the "fix-its" necessary.

I asked my husband about doing one of the fix its on the list, and given his track record of getting things done (he made a practice in our marriage of telling me he would do something and then put it off or not do it until he forgot that it ever needed doing) I asked him if he was going to do it, when, etc? When he hems and haws I finally ask him if he wants me to do it - get his OK and then get it done, rather than fume over it not getting done.

I just took on the search, let him know the amount and scheduled it when he Oked it. He works full time - I could meet with contractors for bids and workers to let them in and out during the day, otherwise it would have taken months - if he did decide to do anything about the fix-it list.

The plan was not at that time for my daughter to move in, but to prepare it for missionaries to live in during their 6 month sabbatical. I figured after that my Husband would probably move in.

In the midst of the fix up is when our daughter asked to meet with us and inquired as to what she would have to do to be able to live there after the missionaries moved out as she could not fully pay the mortgage. That is when my husband struck the deal for her to live there for a certain amount.

She did help with some cleaning, moving of stuff and decision making and took care of our home (cooking, cleaning, laundry) while I powered through the tasks on the new house.

As I said before, since I have finished the fix-it list, the responsibility for maintenance now goes to my husband and daughter - they can sort it out.


BS -me 69 WS - him 68
Married 40 years
OW - "daughter" added to family 1/05 for "Fathering healing" - 26 years younger
EA 1/05 - 12/07 PA 8/07 - 12/07
NC 1/08
DDay March 30, 2008
Separation Feb. 17, 2010 two days before our 33 anniversary
DDs 31, 25
WH served me for divorce Sept. 18, 2014
Page 5 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 38 guests, and 66 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Spartan Point He, OnTheRocks, Alise245, CVT, Olivia 80
71,700 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,537
Posts2,322,688
Members71,700
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5