Keep in mind people tend to believe the first persons version of the facts.

Talk to OMW first before he's had a chance to preempt you with the whole "He's just insecure" speech.

If you can tell OMW before OM knows, it gives OMW a chance to do some snooping of her own if she can handle it.

Recon, Outflank and press the advantage.

Update - A little good and and a lot of bad

First the good. I found the OM's house and talked to his wife. I knew what kind of car she drove so I just copied the list of addresses and started checking from the closest to the place he works. On the third house, I hit paydirt and found the same type of car the POS told my W his wife drove. I stopped and parked the bike and had a smoke while I tried to decide what to do and what to say. Then a woman came out of the house and sat on the front step. I walked over and introduced myself and that's when the bad started. Her first response - "You're married to the woman sleeping with my husband." I felt like I had taken a sledgehammer to the gut.

She actually thought it was my W's sister because it was she who they ran into at the New Years party and apparently they had been pretty close on the dance floor, but her suspicions have escalated since then from his behaviour. She told me he had had an affair 5 years ago and they worked through it, just recently putting it behind them. As we talked and compared notes, a lot of things became clearer. I told her about how I had seen their emails and chats grow more and more intimate and she told me she had caught him a couple of times chatting with someone but he would close the chat window when she came in the room but not before she saw little hearts and such on the screen.

She told me he has become more and more secretive lately and has been getting his sister to watch their kids on many of his days off (he does work 2-3 days on, 3-4 days off) with little or no explanation as to where he goes or what he does. If she questions him, she gets "I thought we got past this and you need to learn to trust me." Then she told me about the email she found on the computer. The idiot had sent the email to his wife and then got into her email and deleted it but forgot to delete it from his sent items. Their computer is wide open and she did some snooping when she started to get suspicious. He explained it by saying he wrote it to help a co-worker who is having trouble with his wife and sent it accidentally. Funny how it is addressed to his own wife.

When I told her of the day last week I caught my W lying about going to his house, she completely broke down and when she calmed down and told me why, something inside me died. When she got home from work that day, her POS husband had gotten to cleaning the house and while she told me that he does do that on occassion, he had stripped the bed in their basement guest room and was washing the sheets even though the bedroom had not been used in months. The images going through my mind at that moment nearly drove me insane.

We talked for quite some time and I told her that I had found a great resource for dealing with and ending affairs but I didn't tell her specifically about this site. She is ready and willing to work together to get solid proof but she still wants her M to this scumbag, which I don't understand. He is a master manipulator who likes to play games with people. The email and the presenting of their guestroom as "his bedroom" shows just how devious the POS can be. There is part of me that feels like my W has been the victim of this slimy piece of garbage, but I know that ultimately it was her decision to do whatever they have done. It is becoming clear that this A is physical and that cuts like nothing ever has. His W and I are going to keep in close contact and let each other know when they are out. I have the make and model of his vehicle and the plate number and I am going to pick up a GPS for his W to put in his truck. That, combined with the GPS I put in W's car late last night, will allow us to cross check their whereabouts. She has agreed to not say anything until we are both ready and have the info we need and then we'll expose this as a blitz.

When I got home I walked through the door and straight into the freaking twilight zone. Get this - I got accused of cheating! Apparently I am sneaking around (which I am) and she couldn't reach me on my cell (kind of hard to hear a cell phone on a motorcycle) and the best one of all. It would seem that, according to Dr. Phil, the first indication that your spouse is cheating is when they accuse you of it. Supposedly, that proves I'm having an affair. I almost laughed in her face. I really wanted to scream that I knew what she did and she should have at least helped her lover clean up their mess, but I managed to hold it together. Then she stormed off to bed. It was quite some time before I went to bed (since I had a GPS to install) but when I did, she wanted to have sex like nothing had happened. I refused and she rolled over and pouted. What the hell is wrong with this woman? More and more I am disgusted by the site of her and the thoughts going through my head.

I'm going to step up the snooping and I have an ally now so that should make it easier but I am becoming more and more resolved that once I have clear cut evidence, then it will be straight to Plan D.

As soon as you get your evidence! EXPOSE! Start your list now, get everyone's contacts, emails, fb, phone numbers, etc...get your expose letter ready!

I really am sorry you had to find out about that

You are being very smart about this though, so I have no doubt that you will be able to recover.

GOOD LUCK!

If there was a medal for restraint, you�d earn it with clusters.

I applaud your restraint, self discipline, and control of your emotions.

I know it isn�t easy and it is one of the hardest things you�ve ever done. I hope you have a chance at recovery, but having been in your shoes, I don�t think I would try to save things after being cheated on once.

I have a gut feeling that your WW will be the remorseful type once all is exposed. It will be up to you if you wish to forgive, but I understand the sentiment that you can�t do this another time after being betrayed in your first marriage. I would encourage you to seriously consider it for the sake of your son. My brother went through my parent�s divorce at his age and it really messed him up. He�s just now, in his 20�s, getting things together and my sister, in her 30�s, is still wrestling with it.

The kids on both ends would be dealing with yet another divorce.

I�m not saying it�s easy or that you�re not thinking of these things. I can certainly understand where you�re coming from.

I�m so sorry that the truth has come out this way. As I suspected, his BW is not the monster she�s been made out to be and was clueless about what was happening or had suspicions of her own.

Glad to know you have an ally. Expect the cat to come out of the bag, however, and that she may not be able to stay quiet. Be prepared for the confrontation that�s likely to come before you�re ready to confront with the evidence.

The best scenario is to catch them meeting up, hopefully before something physical happens, but catch them red handed nonetheless.

Again, I�m really sorry this has turned out this way.

tlc, are you ready to get to work now busting up this affair and saving your marriage? The OMW needs to follow this exact same plan. BRING HER HERE AND ASK HER TO FOLLOW THIS EXACT SAME PLAN. I suspect the OM will dump your wife once you do this.

Make up a list of all exposure targets and start exposing the affair TODAY. It is important that you do this in the same day so this has the effect of a tsunami. That makes it harder for the affairees to regroup and prevents them from pre-empting you and spinning the story. [with you starring as the head demon]

Start by calling her parents, your parents, close family members, friends. Tell them that you are trying to save your marriage and ask them for their advice. If they say "ok, I will keep this a secret. " Tell them nononononno!! Affairs thrive on secrecy so keeping it a secret is the worst thing you can do.

You WANT these people to call her up and persuade her to end her affair.

Sit your kids down and tell them about the affair. Tell them you love their mother but that she is doing a very bad thing. Kids MUST be told the truth in these situations because giving them false explanations teaches them dishonesty and leaves them vulnerable to the lies of your wayward wife.

I would then turn to making the OM's life a living hell. You should cause as much conflict as possible in his life. Expose him everywhere.

Find his facebook account and expose him there by sending letters to his facebook friends. [we have a template] Call his parents and tell them about the affair. Then go meet him in person. OM are big pansy boys so you will scare the hell out of him. Any man that does a woman in his own wife's house is a special brand of pansy.

tlc, you don't need to go to divorce yet. You may not want to continue the marriage but you don't have to make that decision now. You have nothing to lose and everything to GAIN by going through the steps of saving your marriage I outline above.

"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery." Dr. Willard Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders

tlcanuck, sorry that you now "know." It is often suggested that you don't make any major decisions for a few months. Right now, you just experienced another DDay and your emotions are raw. It's understandable, we have all been there. It SUCKS. It's like a punch in the gut. Your whole world has collapsed. Just take some time and devise a plan.

Now, you will have to do a superb Plan A. You need both the carrot and the stick. Start exposing this NOW. Get your list together for who you will expose to. Blow this affair out of the water. Since you are in contact with OMW, I would tell her about a book called Surviving an Affair. Tell her about this forum. Tell her that she should expose the affair to everyone on OM's side. You could expose him on his facebook page(if he has one). You can do this. BLOW THIS AFFAIR UP.

Here are some template letters you can use to send to the OM's facebook friends. I would also expose to the firehouse.

Facebook exposure letters

Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

I bet if you told your WW that you know she had sex w/ OM on day X because his BW told you she caught him cleaning up the stained bedsheets downstairs, she'd give it up. Go ahead and expose. You have enough information. This isn't a court of law. You don't need irrefutable evidence. I'd say your circumstantial evidence is plenty to convince any rational person. I'd also let your WW know that this is the 2nd time his BW has caught him cheating and he keeps running back home with his tail between his legs.

tlc,

I just wanted to step in for one second to add my support and encouragement. You are doing a great job, keep it up as long as you possibly can.

Your story is like twisting my guts to me, I don't know why yours in particular but it does. I have not had a situation like yours so I don't have any advice to give you except stay here and you will do fine. We will always be here and if you feel like you are going to lose it come here and dump it all out. There are some amazing stories here of people who have been able to do what you are doing so if you have not please read them.

Good luck, hang on for a horrible ride, we will be here and in the end everything will turn out well with her or without her. Whatever you decide, it is your call.

One of the major keys of exposure is to expose to those who lnfluence the OM, and the WW the most. Such as their families, their employers/co-workers, and their church leaders. These are people who they are trying the most to hide the affair from because they are the people who do not condone an affair.

Set a goal for your marriage and determine your end goal of your mariage. My goal was to try my best to recover the marriage to the best of my abilities, to improve myself, and to follow all the advice from others who have recovered their marriages.

I would suggest to get yourself some friend support. People who will listen to you, and try to support you on your descisions. I had a lot of advice from friends and coworkers to dump my FWW, but I knew what I wanted and ignored that advice, but it was nice for me to have someone to talk to on a daily basis.

Begin an excellent Plan A. Change yourself into the most amazing husband ever, and have no expectations of what your WW will do. My SIL's would often tell my FWW how lucky she was for having such a wonderful husband. It made me feel better, and made the FWW mad at the time, because deep down I think she knew it.

Gather evidence, like your GPS, and store it all in a place not accessable by your WW. Like at someone elses house, or on a password protected google docs.

Stay positive, and try not to let yourself get depressed. Vent here if you need to. Take care of yourself, eat well, exercise, (stop smoking?....) and take a time out for yourself every once is awhile to recharge your batteries. This fight is emotionally and physically draining.

Here on out it is an up hill battle. You will slip, maybe LB, but in time you will get pretty good at being in plan A, and fighting for your marriage.

Forget what I said earlier. Just tell her you KNOW she had sex w/ OM in his guest bedroom last week but don't give your source. Telling her that you know she did it in the guest bedroom might be enough for her to know she's been caught and she'll give it all up. I think that once you finally bust her (in her mind) she'll spill the beans and agree to NC. I think deep down she wants to get caught because she knows she can't stop. She's addicted but she can't stop herself.

Then tell her she's become her ex-husband. That one should cut like a knife. And if she slaps you in the face again, call the cops and remove her from the house. She needs to feel CONSEQUENCES for her actions.

Thanks guys. Just knowing that there are people who are listening and caring enough to offer advice means a great deal.

I'm not in a good place right now. I haven't slept properly in days, haven't eaten and I just had to apologize to a subordinate at work because I tore into her this morning over a very small error. Misdirected anger, but she accepted my apology and said she noticed that I wasn't myself this week. There's an understatement!

W texted me and said she wouldn't be home lunchtime if I came home because she has a couple of viewings but OM's shift rotation ended this morning so you can guess where my mind went.

Not sure what do do from here. I want more solid evidence before I expose but is that because I am afraid of the consequences? I don't usually second guess myself like this, but it's all I seem to be doing lately.

I keep thinking about the "end game" and what I want a year from now, but the truth is I don't know. My kids are definitely a concern but to properly care for them I have to take care of their father and family.

Do you have the gps on her vehicle?
Can you go follow her?

You might want to take a few days off of work right now.
You are not going to be able to concentrate on anything but the situation.

You really don't need further confirmation, unless you still think your wife has enough wiggle-room to convince you its not an affair. Did you get the VAR in her car?

These things are your top priority right now. Take a few days off of work if you can.

The evidence is still circumstantial.

Use GPS and recording device.

You may have to make a plan with OM's wife to catch them in the act. Otherwise, they will deny and deny and you have no solid proof.

W has an iPhone and there is a great feature called "Find my iPhone" that uses the GPS in the phone to locate it. I just checked her location and I'm headed there to check up on her. Taking a co-workers vehicle so I can be discrete.

How long can someone keep up this obsessive need to know where she is 24 hours a day?

Never even when you are in recovery, I let my husband know exactly what I am doing 24 hours a day! I even have a weekly plan sheet for him, so he knows when I am working not at home.

tlc, I agree that you should keep snooping, however, you have the evidence you need NOW to expose the affair. You do not have to be able to prove it in a court of law. Did you get copies of the OMW's evidence?

You have enough to expose NOW.

Agree with ML. You know she's cheating. She knows she's cheating. Anyone who has any amount of sense would know she's cheating. This isn't a court of law. You don't need a photo of him inside her as proof. They can deny all they want. As long as you take steps as if you had photos, it doesn't matter how much they deny. I've heard of WS still denying photos. You have all the evidence you need. You start exposing to all her family, friends, your kids, and all of OM's family and coworkers. You go meet up w/ OM yourself (with some buddies to keep anything from happening) and you tell him you KNOW he's been screwing your WW, and you won't allow anymore contact. You call your WW and tell her to come home now and you need to talk. Then you tell her you KNOW she's slept w/ OM, you will no longer tolerate any further contact, there will be new measures in place to assure there is no further contact, and if she has a problem with that, then she can move out and start the divorce process (you can always stop). It's time to man up and take control of this situation. You need to break her.

A spouse should know the whereabouts of his spouse at all times anyway. It is too much trust that leads to affairs, as you have learned the hard way.

I'm not saying there are a lot of parallels in the stories - but through reading Anne505's thread

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2340748&page=1

I saw where someone was advising her to be ready to expose even without concrete proof - as the more time that passes - the more her love bank is emptied living with lies, deceits, fears, etc, etc

And reading through her whole thread - it would appear to me (a casual observer) - that her love bank has indeed gone empty - even before exposing / finding 100% concrete proof.

Again - not saying there are a lot of parallels - tlc has shown that he is very clearly a man of action (not implying that Anne isn't - she clearly is too).

Anyway - just think Anne's story is a very interesting one - and imo shows that in some cases - searching, searching, searching can sap all feelings - and in some ways - shows (I believe) that in terms of exposure - there will ALWAYS be reasons to wait a little longer, wait a little longer, wait a little longer. I've never been through it - but it must be a painful, terrifying experience.

So if the 'experts' are saying it's time to expose - they probably know.

(hope none of this comes across as negative about/to anne or tlc as that was not my intention)