I know. I would let him have the time, yeah.

And then I'd go out and do something fabulous for myself.

ETA:You've already stated you can't stop him from taking OW w/ him on vacation. I wouldn't give him exactly what he wants, but I'd bend a little bit.

Before you bend, realize that whatever you do will establish a precedent. Be sure of the precedent you want to establish, before you commit to either direction.

tl

Good point.

Maybe you could say, "I will allow you to have extra time THIS time, but would like to know about your wanting extra time at least a week in an advance from now on."

"But I must know about your wanting extra time at least a week in advance from now on." Put this in writing, probably via text, and save it. This man does NOT sound like the sort of person to whom you want to give any wiggle room whatsoever.

tl

Your ex came late for your son at the waterpark so your son could have extra time with you. He came back with your keys when he could have told you no. Why not return the favor and let him have a little extra time with his son? He is not being unreasonable according to what you have said IMO. You want him to feel sorry for what he has done and make life easier for you to show repentance. But, at the same time, your unwillingness to show any kindness towards him prevents him from feeling anything but justified - and it fans his anger towards you. You could relax a little and gain a lot.

And, having a lot less contact is necessary. It bears repeating because while you "say" you are prepared to de-escalate, your actions show otherwise.

My lawyer told me to be very careful about any changes to my visitation agreement. Get everything in writing, any changes, even if they seem insignificant. Make sure it is common knowledge that this time is 'extra', not part of a regularly scheduled visitation. You just cannot trust right now.

See, I'm getting conflicting advice....bend a little to stop the escalation, don't give an inch or he will take a mile...

If I do allow him to go how do I word the email? Also, how do I address how much of this is 'X-tra' time vs. part of the 3 weeks worth of vacation. I don't want to give up a lot of Fridays with my son and realize later I still have to let him go on MORE vacations.

Still Standing said exactly what I was trying to say but a lot better and nicer. You could always say to him:

"Thanks for letting him stay longer at the water park so now I am going to let him stay longer at your place".

It takes two people to create an ugly and inflexible situation for the boy. You can refuse to trust him and still be civil, communicative, and kind. For the child's sake be civil and do not play manipulative games even if you do hate your ex for what he did.

From the gist of your postings, I gather that about 80% of your waking hours are spent:

1. Analyzing your husband
2. Figuring out how to get even with him
3. Trying to figure out how to keep your son away from the OW
4. Trying to figure out everything

The bolded part is my goal...which is why I spend so much of my time analyzing my XH and trying to figure out everything.

What happened to 5 word max? Okay, j/k.

I know you are fighting to keep your son away from OW, BUT(you knew there would be a BUT)he has already been around her. It is AWFUL to know that your son spends time around OW. I get that. It SUCKS. You can only control what YOU do.

As far as if you should send your son early, you know why you are wavering. Your giver part wants to say, "Sure." Your taker part, OTOH, wants to say, "F%^& YOU." Maybe the best response is something in the middle, as others have suggested.

Anyone can be dark, you just have to choose it for yourself. It really is much better. The only reason I know is because of the things I feel when I have let the curtain slip.

SM,

Always remember what your goals are which usually get lost in all the pain and drama that the WS creates.

As most BS, we want to protect our kids from the OP because they are not interested in the best interest of our children but their own self entitlement.

Stick with the decree guidelines and then it takes all of the drama from XH.

Not sure if you hate your XH or if you still have love for him which is ok. Nothing to be ashamed of if you do.

Protect your son in the best way you can do with little or no drama in spite of XH...
Work on being the Goddess you are...
Plan your vacation with your son to NYC...

When you start living your live without thinking of what your XH would think then you are detaching by living well with your own little family.

Living well will be the best way for XH to pause and realize what he has lost.

Blessings.

Really? It doesn't seem that way from your posts. It does seem like you want to get even and make him pay - which I understand. However, I have been divorced and been through the child custody battles. It doesn't serve your recovery process in the long run to fixate on your ex or argue over every little detail. If your goal is to run your bank account empty and make your lawyer rich, keep fighting over 15 minutes and barbeque grills. You are not "analyzing" your ex. You are still angry and want justice.

...which is why you need less contact.

I am having trouble letting him go early without engaging in a conversation with XH.

He asked for vacation time this weekend....but it is already his weekend and the only extra he is asking for is from 6:00 p.m. Saturday to 2:00 p.m. Sunday...(ds comes home during that time every weekend that he sees his dad) Now he is asking for another extra day by getting him early on Friday when he is not due to get him until 6:00 p.m. on Friday.

I also let him go early on Friday 2 weeks ago....

I'm just confused....I don't want to set up a situation where ds goes early with his dad every visitation weekend. It interupts our life too much.

So what is the alternative? To let him send me nasty letters via his attorney about violating visitation times and let him bring ds home late if he wants? And then say sure when he wants him a day early? To just let him have what he wants of our marital property? To just let him get away with not paying me alimony for the month of June?

As it has always been...he is a bully and wants everything his way.

I have no love for him. I haven't for a long time. I do think I hate him which is not where I want to be either. I am just trying to do the right thing by my son and I don't think I am.

His attorney says in her letter...

'My client wants the issue of custody and visitation followed strictly.'

Everytime I read that I cannot see letting him have ds10 8-10 hours early.

But when I think of what I naturally want to do---which is cut and past that line and email XH saying, 'I will have ds to your home Friday at 6:00 in order to strictly comply with the custody and visitation order.'

But I don't think that is right either.

The alternative is to treat this as civilly and rationally as possible. You got a nasty letter via his attorney because you tried to stop him from vacationing with his son. He was abiding by the divorce decree by getting a separate room for the POSOW. I understand how you feel. However, you have to be smarter about this and choose battles that you can actually win in court. You knew that you were not in the legal "right" when you told him no. You forced him to bring in his attorney.

Is he a bully because you can't be reasoned with? By your own account, he has been flexible with you. He has also been nasty while doing it. You and he are not nice to each other. It is unlikely that will change anytime soon - unless you have LESS CONTACT.

You will have to live with whichever way you choose. I think that if you went into a plan B and went dark your feelings and thoughts would be much clearer.

No one is telling you to be a doormat. We are trying to figure out how to help you. You did ask for help with this.

If you really want to be different, why don't you try seeing things from a different POV. If the way you were doing things didn't work for you, do something different. You can always change your mind.

Then what would be the right thing for your son? That would be your goal. Need to break down that goal...

Keep your son away from the drama
Have his best interest and happiness always
Be silent to your son about XH
When a decision is made then just tell your son what arrangements are in place.

Our kids sense when we are upset and in turmoil. It does have a negative impact on them. I have learned with DD16 that we do not talk about XH unless she is the one to bring him up. She is in her own Plan B at this time and not sure when or if it will ever change.

Blessings.

How about:
I want to honor the custody agreement but I appreciate that you were flexible at the waterpark and I don't mind if you pick up ds early this weekend. I think it would make ds happy. We can get back to our regular schedule next week.