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#2405706 07/15/10 04:20 PM
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How do you discuss your pre-affair relationship with your BS without making it seem like you're justifying your affair? Any tips?

The reality is that the marriage was already not working well before the affair, which has a lot to do with why I began to seek out someone else to fill my emotional needs. But sharing that info makes it seem like I'm trying to say that my BS left me no choice than to have an affair, which is not the case. It was my choice to cross that boundary and to betray him.

I also have been sharing that I have hope that our relationship can become stronger now that we're faced with having to deal with my affair. My BS responds to that by saying, "But we didn't NEED this to strengthen our marriage." I agree, but I want to hold on to hope that we can come out of this together and with a better relationship. Is that so wrong?

I received my Surviving an Affair book yesterday and have already felt that Sue's story describes mine almost perfectly. I'm still trying to lose this emotional attachment that I carry with me for the OM, but not entirely sure how to lose that altogether other than to just give it time. I assume that if I don't allow him to "deposit" into his account, the feelings I have for him will fade. Any thoughts on this?

Last edited by Redeem_Me; 07/15/10 04:24 PM.
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Better relationship?

How about just different with a lot less trust, respect. With a lot more suspicion, less hope, less confidence.

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I mean ultimately, that we will have a better relationship, once the trust and love have been restored.

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If the M was so bad before the A why did you not divorce you H first and then go and have another relationship.
What were you thinking while you were bonking OM and still living with your H?
I am just curios to know because you must have told yourself stuff to make yourself feel that what you were doing was ok.
blessing


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My thoughts are that you need to first, stick to ONE thread(no I am not the thread police but it IS easier). Second, you learn how to be a better spouse and STOP lying to yourself and your BH. Third, you need to learn all about MB and implement the concepts into YOUR daily life. That means ALL OF THEM. You work on YOUR side of the fence. If your BH doesn't come along, then you will most likely move on. This time, do it the right way.

Have you thought about calling the Harleys? Have you shown your BH SAA? Other than understanding Sue's POV, what else did you learn from the book?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
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DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
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Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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She was SAHM, that is why she didn't divorce then seek someone else, geez how else was she going to feed herself and the kids and have a place to stay.

Trust restored? You know for a fact he will eventually trust you again?

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Sorry,
maybe I feel this very personally, but when people say that the M was not working way before the A and that therefore they seeked emotional comfort outside the M..I can't help but hear the very words my WH told me twice (he had 2 As).
I do not think she learned anything from SAA if she still talks that way.....
blessing


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Redeem_Me,
Please stick to one post. It gets confusing when there are several posts made by the same person. It takes effort for others to go back, find and then read previous posts so they can get a better idea of what is going on. Please ask the mods to condense your posts into one post.


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There is still much to be learned. Read READ and READ some more.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Hi RM-

I would recommend that you get "Torn Asunder" as well as reading all the things you can here on MB and in SAA. It's by Dave Carder, a Christian Minister who also is a specialist in working with infidelity in M.

The book has some good information on dealing with the marital history that contributed to the A and some other stuff...

Hang in there-


johnstwin-

"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther

Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!

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I wish you luck! I am a BW & it hurts so much!!! I too am learning a lot from SAA & love this site.

If your BH needs to ask questions about what lead you to the A, I would suggest to you to be honest with him at all costs without getting mad, angry, defensive, or blame him which it sounds like you're not really blaming him. Maybe continue to tell him how this was never his fault. That yes your M had problems...whose doesn't...let him know that you take full responsibility for going outside of your M. Yet, as you get further into the SAA book, you will see that all of us spouses have responsibilities to each other.

You can help him along the way & he can help you. You guys can fall back in love with each other & really seek to be experts at meeting each others top EM's.

Good luck to you!
You are at the right place.
Send your BH here, have him read SAA.
Let him get advice from others...it has helped me so much!


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Originally Posted by Redeem_Me
How do you discuss your pre-affair relationship with your BS without making it seem like you're justifying your affair? Any tips?


One of the things that separates the MB program from other less successful programs is that Dr. H does not recommend couples go back into the past and discuss all that was wrong.

Doing that keep couples focused on their past failures and opens the door for further love busting and resentment.

Discussing all the ways the your husband failed in meeting your ENs and LB'd you, will not help create romantic love. It will do just the opposite.

Instead, turn your focus to today. Ask yourself how you can best meet HIS ENs and avoid LBing him in any way. Plan out a weekly schedule where you can spend 15 or more hours together meeting the intimate ENs (RC, affection, conversation, and SF).

THAT is how you fall back in love with each other.

Of course, the step before all this is to examine all the areas of your life where you left doors open for others to meet any ENs, and then fix that. Create boundaries that prevent anyone from meeting your ENs. Those boundaries are called extraordinary precautions. Those precautions demonstrate to your husband that you are going to BECOME trustworthy. He'd be crazy to ever trust you if you don't have solid EPs that eliminate outsiders from having opportunities to deposit love units.

All his failures...all your failures...none of it matters in the process of creating romantic love.




Quote
I also have been sharing that I have hope that our relationship can become stronger now that we're faced with having to deal with my affair. My BS responds to that by saying, "But we didn't NEED this to strengthen our marriage." I agree, but I want to hold on to hope that we can come out of this together and with a better relationship. Is that so wrong?


Yes, it is so wrong.

The trauma of an affair to a BS can be as devastating as a rape or death of a child according to Dr. Harley's experience with a vast number of BSs. You have emotionally raped your BH and are now telling him what a great opportunity that rape has brought upon him.

That's just sick! And incredibly cruel!



Quote
I assume that if I don't allow him to "deposit" into his account, the feelings I have for him will fade. Any thoughts on this?

Perhaps viewing him through the lens of reality instead of the fantasy you've created might turn your stomach when you think of him.



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Originally Posted by Redeem_Me
The reality is that the marriage was already not working well before the affair, which has a lot to do with why I began to seek out someone else to fill my emotional needs. But sharing that info makes it seem like I'm trying to say that my BS left me no choice than to have an affair, which is not the case. It was my choice to cross that boundary and to betray him.


This is like saying, "Yes, it's MY fault I actually had sex with OM; but it's YOUR fault that I wanted to."


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Quote
I want to hold on to hope that we can come out of this together and with a better relationship. Is that so wrong?

No, R/M, it is not wrong. It is very much right. To be more forceful, it might be said that the very point of this site is to make everything you do, from now on, geared toward constructing a better relationship with your husband.

Without getting into the "how" for the moment, I just want to tell you it can be done. My wife had become dissatisfied with a number of details in our marriage (which she never clearly told me about). She took the unfortunate path that you did, looking for comfort from another man. Our explosive and, quite candidly, terrifying confrontation, if it did nothing else, showed her how deeply and totally committed I was to making our union better.

It has been only a year since that awful night, and it was something I would wish on no one. But the joint commitment we made to fix the problems and create a better marriage was really the key, and seriously the only necessary, ingredient.

But.......your husband, the injured party, drives the bus here. In my case, I had almost 38 years of wonderful linkage with this woman, and could take the long view that she had earned at least an attempt on my part to reconnect. I pray you can elicit the same effort from your husband.

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Originally Posted by Redeem_Me
How do you discuss your pre-affair relationship with your BS without making it seem like you're justifying your affair? Any tips?
Simple, you don't.

I've yet to see where MB is about digging into the past. Dr H actually discourages rummaging around in the past. MB is about changing your behaviors to meet your husbands needs, provide extra-ordinary protections, avoiding love busters.

You can do all of that without dredging up the past.

Once you've demonstrated the value of the MB program to your husband by acting out your part, you can us the POJA to negotiate for your needs met.

But frankly, you have to first convince your H that the MB program is worthwhile by demonstrating the benefits of that program to him.

I don't know how far you are from D-Day, but since you've only been registered here for a week, I'm thinking it may be way premature to put your needs first.

Your husband has to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are in NC, that you are 100% committed to him and the marriage before you are in any position to negotiate for him to make changes.

Even then, it's not about the past, it's about now and the future.
Originally Posted by Redeem_Me
The reality is that the marriage was already not working well before the affair, which has a lot to do with why I began to seek out someone else to fill my emotional needs. But sharing that info makes it seem like I'm trying to say that my BS left me no choice than to have an affair, which is not the case. It was my choice to cross that boundary and to betray him.
Yep, so don't do that again. You don't need to dig through the past to avoid having an affair. You certainly don't need to find fault with his approach to change your personal behavior.

Again, would he say his needs are met? Does he trust you? Until he can trust you, and he decides what it takes to trust you, you really are not in a position to find fault with his approach to marriage.

You really are not in a position to negotiate for changes.
Originally Posted by Redeem_Me
I also have been sharing that I have hope that our relationship can become stronger now that we're faced with having to deal with my affair. My BS responds to that by saying, "But we didn't NEED this to strengthen our marriage." I agree, but I want to hold on to hope that we can come out of this together and with a better relationship. Is that so wrong?
What's wrong with just validating that you probably didn't need an affair to have a better marriage? Why not just agree, tell him he's right, an affair was not needed to have a better marriage.

Then, instead of talking about it, show him the better marriage by doing your part. Talking solves very little. Action speaks 1000x as much as talking.

So what is your plan to show him a better marriage?
Originally Posted by Redeem_Me
I received my Surviving an Affair book yesterday and have already felt that Sue's story describes mine almost perfectly. I'm still trying to lose this emotional attachment that I carry with me for the OM, but not entirely sure how to lose that altogether other than to just give it time. I assume that if I don't allow him to "deposit" into his account, the feelings I have for him will fade. Any thoughts on this?

Stop worrying about his deposits and concern yourself with how you are going to make deposits into his life. You are in withdrawal. The best way to forget about the OM is to find ways to meet your H's needs.

If your life becomes all about him, there will be no room for the OM.

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SMB, great minds think alike.

Great post smile

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Outstanding post, EE!!!



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Originally Posted by Enlightened_Ex
SMB, great minds think alike.

Great post smile



grin

Yes, they do. I even clap you while you were clap me.

That's too funny!!



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Originally Posted by Redeem_Me
I also have been sharing that I have hope that our relationship can become stronger now that we're faced with having to deal with my affair.
Try this instead:
"I am willing to do whatever it takes to make our relationship stronger." Period, full stop. (Not "now that we're faced with having to deal with my affair" -- which can sound to a BS's ears an awful lot like "now that you pushed me into an affair.")

Like SexyMamaBear indicated, you need to focus toward the present & future, on each day going forward: What will you do today to meet your husband's needs? What will you do to protect his feelings & ease his fears, to make yourself available to him with your time, to be honest with him in everything, to learn & care for his needs? What will you do the next day? "Hoping" for him to make changes is something you can do at night when you're having trouble falling asleep; but otherwise it is non-productive, as it takes your focus away from where it needs to be, which is on the changes you need to make.

With folks like you & me, the thing is, we can't undo our past misdeeds. The way you "deal with" it is to conduct yourself irreproachably in the present & future, with complete patience toward him. If he hasn't sicked a lawyer on you already, then you are playing with house money, and you ought to be & act grateful for that. If you want him to gradually regain a measure of trust for you over time, then you have to be willing to commit an act of trust toward him on a sustained basis, through your good conduct & attentivenesss toward his needs.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Redeem me -- I noticed your first post date was about a week ago.

I am a WS, A started early March with discovery date one mid April, scope discovered early May, essentially separated until 6 days ago and with exactly 6 days more than you on this forum. Bear in mind I may say things that are WAY off base but the other forum members will be quick to point that out, and then I will learn too.

First, breathe. I mean that literally. You haven't told us much about your situation and we hope you will -- this is a safe place for you (you will seriously not believe that A LOT). But you have been holding your breath since you started the A, and now you are still holding it, getting your defenses ready for the fallout so you want to push your timetable to get it over with. Redeem_me -- this part of the process is SO not about you.

Breathe. You will get through this, but not if you aren't breathing. And I am talking about you -- not your H or your M. It is counter-intuitive, but you must take care of you. Set a timer for 30 seconds and tell yourself all the things you like about you. Try to sleep, eat and exercise, try to meditate, whatever. . Assign time when you will think about ANYTHING but the nightmare you are in. You are gathering energy for the fight of your life -- would you try to run a marathon without training?

Give up on the justifications. There isn't one. It makes no difference whether your H is the most hateful human being on the planet. You don't get to do this to him, period. You can fight the justification war to your and your M's death if you like. You will still lose. Give up now, start to build your self esteem (which knows there is no justification) and decide to build something new.

Lose your need to explain. You want to tell him the background of the relationship because you are trying to justify your own bad behavior by somehow explaining that there was some prelude to your cruel decision. Your job is to be open to giving him the information that maters to him. Be open to what he wants. This isn't about you.

Come back here: I'm watching you, I get it, when I don't get it others will tell me, but whatever you do come back here. You will be beaten about the head and shoulders because at times that is what you need. The learning curve here is steep, but do you really want to prolong this?

I've been with my H for 35 years -- he was my first date when I was 15. I have in turn intensely hated, loved, despised, resented, adored, admired -- you name it him. What you and your H are feeling today will change 5 times tomorrow, 100 times in the next month, 1243 times in the next month, and 1,234,769 over your next 35 years. Don't be self indulgent and dwell on this time as determinative of what is to come. There is hope. I promise.

And come back here.


WS
M: 25 years
D21, S19, S15

Rome wasn't built in a day -- but it was built.
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