Hello to everyone. I discovered this website a couple of weeks ago and it has been an awesome source for information. Reading so many posts about others in my situation has been very helpful and reassuring to know that so many people are going through
or went through similar situations.

Me: 40 BH. Her 39 WW. Married for 10 yrs and together for 13. Two beautiful children ages 1 and 3. First marriage for both of us.

I confirmed that she was having an affair on 5/28. Prior to this the signs were all over for a week or two. I think she must have bought one of everything they sell at Victoria's Secret. The thought brings bile to the back of my throat. Silly me, I thought she was branching out and doing this for me. The real clincher was the bag I seen I the closet with lingerie and massage oil in it. Anyways, my suspicians were very high and she must have been in a hurry and left her password for her yahoo account on the screen. I discovered a folder with about 50 emails in it. Lots of flowery love letters and poetry. It felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. This was 5/28. The worst part is I know the OW. We all work in a close medical community. I called him and after a few verbal threats and then a little evidence he came clean and admitted the A. It started as an EA between co-workers and turned a little physical. I had him write an email to my wife ending the A because of a change of heart and recommitment to his family. She bought it for a few days. Apparently the OW's wife found a few texts on 6/1 and confronted him. He then confessed to my wife that I knew and she told me her side of the story on 6/1.

She said it was just an EA, but after some pushing by me admitted touching but no intercourse. Still hurts terribly though. She said it was over between them. Things went downhill. She bacame withdrawn, didn't want to be touched and very moody. Nice for a couple days and then very mean. She still seemed a little suspicious to me at times and was still secretive. Changing email address. Secretive with phone. I ended up putting a keylogger on the computer and discovered they had a hidden email account. The emails were toned down a bit but still innapropriately lovey and they did meet once for a few minutes in a strip mall lot.

We had an argument and she admitted to ongoing communications with him on 6/26. Come to find out his wife found some emails on their computer the same week-end. WW and OM both swear to not talk or see each other again. I made some threats to OW. I think he is scared now and his wife is monitoring him very closely.

I discovered this website around then. I should have done an exposure then but I didn't fully understand the importance of it at that time. Since then for past 2 1/2
weeks wife has been very moody with no affection towards me. Says she needs space
and time to sort things out. I told her she can have as much time as she needs and have been doing a Plan A on her.

She loves to try and reverse roles on me and make it look like I'm the bad guy for spying on her and that she can no longer trust me. Fog talk. No logic at all. Anyways WW and OM are employed at same place. He put his termination notice in for sept 30. WW is also looking for different job and hopefully will be able to leave sooner.

OM wife and I have talked a few times to share info. As of now WW will have nothing to do with home computer. She uses her smart phone for everything so I don't really have a way to monitor her. I ordered to real-time gps monitors, one for WW 's car and one for OM. I pretty much know both of their schedules and know in advance what days they could try and meet. I figure gps will tell me the truth one way or the other. I also plan on getting a VAR and sneak it in her car to see if they try and talk on phone while driving to work or home.

If I find out they are communicating again I will do a full exposure. This will be tricky. Because of their occupations and will damage their carrers signicantly. I don't care about his, but I feel for his wife who will be part of collateral damage. My wife is afraid OW's wife will tell people and has told me she doesn't think she is strong enough to handle it and she will probably commit suicide. She does look depressed at times and did mention using a gun to herself in an email to OW. She said the guilt was so bad she was going to kill herself. She is not really one for drama but who knows?

The only one that knows about affair is her sister. If I do an exposure I'd for sure tell family and friends, just not sure how to proceed with job. I accessed facebook and got many emails from OW familyand friends and will probably tell them to.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Mj, sorry you are here.

The first order of business will be to bust up this affair. The affair is very much still on, but they have gone further underground. Seeing each other at work every day is a continuation of the affair, but that is not all they are doing.

The fact that she is angry at you for spying on her and that she wants "space" tells us everything we need to know. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. And asking for "space" means she wants the freedom to carry on her affair.

The most powerful weapon you have in saving your marriage is exposure. The longer you wait, the less potency it has and the harder it is to save your marriage because the affair has become more entrenched.

Keeping it a secret serves to enable the affair. So, if you want to know the most impactful thing you can do it would be EXPOSURE. And I do mean soon. I would not put this off.

I would expose to Human Resources [using our template] her parents, yours, family and friends. If the OM has a facebook account, I would expose there too. [we have letters]

I would do this all on the same day with no forewarning to your wife. Here is what Dr Harley says about exposure:

here

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney. This letter should be sent to the Director of Human Resources and cc�d to the adulterers supervisors and a key VP. It is critical that this letter be sent to several people and this known by ALL so no one person can give into the temptation to bury the issue.

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

Facebook exposure letters

Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

First, is your wife in danger of harming herself or someone else? You should get her help immediately if you believe this to be the case.

Sorry you are here and welcome to MB.

I see that you have answered the questions and filled out your siggy. Does that mean that you have read this thread? http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240 If so, thank you. If not, I would suggest that as a starting point.
Feel free to ask any questions you may have about the things you are reading.


For future reference, your WW is having an affair with OM. OW stands for Other Woman.

You will have to expos this affair to help try to kill it. You can not trust the affair partners to stop on their own. If you could, they wouldn't have started in the beginning.

Please read, ask questions and know that you are not alone.

Welcome to MB and sorry that you have to be here. You probably won't get much response tonight but it will pick up tomorrow. The vets will be here then.

The first thing you must do is EXPOSE,EXPOSE,EXPOSE! Don't wait. She will be angry but will get over it. Read Surviving an Affair and everything else that Dr. Harley has written. Last thing you must do is buckle in because it is going to be a long and bumpy ride. Just hang in there, you will get a lot of support here.

What are we, chopped liver?

Thank you so much for the advice. I know I should have exposed already. For some reason I can't explain, probably fear, I think I'm going to wait until I check the VAR and GPS over the next few days. Exposing will damage their careers signicantly. I fear this for my WW and OMW's wife.

A little more history. OMW's wife contacted me for the first time at 11 pm Saturday (9 days ago). WW was with me and heard we were going to meet next day. WW was completely freaking out. She kept saying I can't believe this is all happening now after it's all over and we haven't even talked in two weeks. I strongly believe thiis was very legit from WW. She laid awake all night in fear that OWM's wife was going to reveal A to others and just wanted to warn me. I think if there was any contact at all during those two weeks WW would had said something at that point. WW has said before she didn't think she was strong enough to handle anyone knowing. Talked about shooting herself. Not harming anyone else but herself. I don't think she would if it came down to
it.

The only other reason I would wait for evidence again is that OWM's is pregnant and due oct 1. She said they are most likely leaving the country 6 weeks after delivery. I figure if the A may truly be essentially over why damage my WW career if OWM is going to be out of country in few months.

I figure with GPS on both of their cars and VAR in WW car I should find out the truth very soon.

Them tEXANS, always jealous of their betters!

Exposing will not harm their careers. The affair will harm their career. And by not exposing it, you are ENABLING IT. By enabling it, you are harming your marriages and leaving the company at great legal risk. You need to listen to this MP3 from the radio show where Dr Harley calls a caller an "enabler" because he won't expose his wife's affair here.


This is a lie. Your wife will tell you anything to shut you up. Your exposure will interfere with the affair.

But this is all irrational talk anyway. She sees him at work every day. THAT is a continuation of the affair.


Warn you about what? That you should help her hide her secret? That you should ENABLE her?


First off, this irrational. They work together. So of course they are in contact. And No, she won't say anything. Don't expect her to say anything, that is irrational.


We have many waywards who threaten suicide to scare you off from interfering in their affairs. Your wife is no different. But if she threatens this again, call 911.

Her affair is the most likely cause of suicidal thoughts. Doing everything in your power to end that will help her mental health.


Your marriage might not make it that long, that is why. Every day the affair becomes more and more entrenched.


You already know the truth. They see each other every day at work.

MJ, you help no one by helping them hide their affair. Enabling will lead to the demise of your marriage.

I agree you should do this, but I see you using this as an excuse to avoid doing what has to be done. And that is DEMANDING she leave the job.

You do need to put a VAR on her car, but you already know they are in contact. They work together! It does not matter what or if you find anything on the VAR, she needs to be told NOW she will have leave that job.

This is hopeless as long as they work together. Hopeless.