Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 31 1 2 3 4 5 30 31
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928
ITA with t&l...grab every chance you can to have your daughters with you.

DO NOT TAKE CHANCES WITH YOUR BABIES' SAFETY AND WELL-BEING!

Go to the police ASAP!


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 129
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 129
My DS23 was molested when he was very young as well. PLEASE DO NOT PUT THIS OFF!! Go have your daughter talk with the police.

I know that it is hard and that it's one of those "can't be happening to me" moments, but PLEASE do not take that chance! The man who molested my son spent 8 years in prison and is now on the sex offenders list so that we can watch where he is. My DS is still affected by the aftershocks periodically and is VERY OVERPROTECTIVE of his own son because he is STILL so scared of this.

Just have it checked out and let us all know! There are some of us here who have experience with this and can help you along the way a little if it comes out to be true...but we ALL CARE!

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318

I'm going to the police tonight. I'll let all of you know how things go.

This afternoon, I am seeing a friend of the boss of my WW and the OM. My hope is that he will talk to the boss and ask him to transfer the OM. (My WW and the OM work together). My friend has eight kids and is a pious Catholic, as is the boss of my WW and the OM. Any advice on what to to tell my friend?


------------------

Me: BH, 39 (and jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids
EA: Fall '08
Move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day 2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318

An unrelated issue: I moved out last month and received the security deposit that my WW and I made 2.5 years ago. Should I tell my WW about this?

I'm inclined to tell her. After all, dishonesty is a big LB, while honest meets a big EM, especially for women. However, I can't make this month's rent if I give my WW her portion of the deposit. Also, I have been more than generous with her financially during our separation.

------------------

Me: BH, 39 (and jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids
EA: Fall '08
Move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day 2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,458
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,458
Quote:
I'm going to the police tonight. I'll let all of you know how things go.


Tell them upfront that you asked questions. Tell them what your daughter said/did that precipitated those questions in the first place. Tell them you haven't asked any questions since (you haven't, have you?), because you wanted a professional to be able to ask them properly. However, you can report voluntary disclosures, if any have been made.

tl

Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
MJ.

Dude, why don't you put that important "security deposit question" on the back burner until you talk to the police about the strong possibility that your daughter is getting fondled by the same guy that is also doing your wife?

(If he is or isn't, this can be a VERY good way for the A to end with OM running for his life!!)

You are too tentative, i.e. milquetoast, it sounds like.

What are you afraid of?

kirk


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
krusht #2406451 07/17/10 02:49 PM
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
thndrnltng, krusht, cami, and Lady_Clueless

I did not go to the police. Why? The short answer is that I am certain the OM hasn't touched my DD3. If he had touched her, she would act differently. She'd withdraw; she'd cry a lot. She doesn't do any of that. She laughs and plays and smiles. She's just upset that I moved to a new place and she didn't see her mommy for three days. However, rest assured that I will continue to ask about my WW and the OM and whether the OM has touched her.

--------------------------

Me: BH, 39 (and jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids
EA: Fall '08
Move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day 2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
By the way, I told my WW about the security deposit. Telling her might not sound like a big deal. But I might well need that money to pay my bills this month. With me out of work for three and a half months, finances are extremely tight.

I'm proud of myself. I was radically honest with my WW. Whether I made any deposits in her love bank is an open question. But I didn't withdraw any. And I am holding my head up high.

--------------------------

Me: BH, 39 (and jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids
EA: Fall '08
Move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day 2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice

Last edited by MichaelJan; 07/17/10 02:53 PM.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,288
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,288
Honesty is usually a deposit. There are times that a WW will try to use it to her advantage.


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
imagine #2407016 07/19/10 09:31 AM
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
Imagine,

Thanks for your support.

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318

I see that the vets are ignoring my thread. No doubt they are turned off about me not going to the police. I need their advice and help. For the sake of my marriage and DS3, I will go to the police today or tomorrow, be upfront with them about my questions, and see what happens.

Me: BH, 39 (and jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids
EA: Fall '08
Move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day 2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice

Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,604
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,604
Not necessarily the police.

Go to CPS and explain.

Let CPS do the investigation.

You can also go to court on your own as fill out a form for a RO and then appear in front of the judge to voice your concerns.

The court will them cite OM to appear in front of the judge and explain. CPS will provide a report for the court date. No need to hire a lawyer.


Stanley
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
MJ,

My thought on this is IF THERE IS ANY WAY POSSIBLE TO BREAK UP THIS BLATANT AFFAIR WHICH IS SOOO DISRESPECTFUL TO YOU AND THE KIDS, SHOULD BE TAKEN.

If that means a court order to appear before a judge because of a child's allegation that she was touched inappropriately..SO BE IT.

Talk about exposure!!!!!!

And how the heck to you know what has happened. You should leave it to the EXPERTS to decide.


Stay Strong my friend,

kirk


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 533
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 533
Originally Posted By: MichaelJan

I see that the vets are ignoring my thread. No doubt they are turned off about me not going to the police. I need their advice and help. For the sake of my marriage and DS3, I will go to the police today or tomorrow, be upfront with them about my questions, and see what happens.


Don't put this off until tomorrow. You need protection for your kids. Your poor kid will face years of problems, and a pretty messed up adulthood, knowing that dad and mom let the OM fondle her/him...You have no excuse to wait.

Have you ever talked to people who were molested as children? They have some pretty messed up views about trust and morals, and have to retrain themselves to know they were victims.

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
Wheels_spinning, cami, thndrltng, krusht, Stanley, and others,

I talked with a staffer at Child Protective Services of my WW's state today. Some of what he said was mentioned earlier -- I asked leading questions of my DD3. But some of what he said was not.

Here are a few examples:

-- Talk with my WW, preferably in person, about my suspicions and feelings and add that I looked at the state CPS site.

-- Stay calm when talking with my DD3 and ask her general questions about her daily activities rather than specific questions about the OM.

-- My DD3 needs to volunteer that the OM touched her.

I don't look forward to talking with my WW about my feelings and suspicions again. But I need to and will do it.

-----------------------------------------

Me: BH, 39 (and jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
EA: Fall '08
Move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day 2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice

Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 533
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 533
I had a friend whos BF was molesting their DD4. Luckily the DD3 was very open about what would happen and told several people. I don't want to offend anyone, but she would say things like "worm" and "glue". She does not know the real names of these things, and substituted words she did know. This was a very bad case, and I hope that nothing got this bad. (Good thing is the GM has custody now.)

I think they want to make sure you do not lead her. It will be a false testimony if used in court. Im sure the CPS will have good advice on how to get her testimony without leading her.

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318


Thanks Wheels_Spinning for sharing that grim story. I will be on the lookout for words like those.

I talked with my WW about the OM's contact with my kids. At first, she was furious that his name had even been mentioned. Then she said that DD3 and DD1.5 had seen him only a few times. I think she's lying. Last week, DD3 volunteered that she ate with the OM as well as mommy and DD1.
-----------------------------------------
Me: BH, 39 (and jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
EA: Fall '08
Move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day 2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318

My question for the day is this: How do I meet my WW's EN for conversation when she's still furious with me for exposing three weeks ago?

I talked with my WW over the phone last night. The conversation was painful. She reiterated that we're getting divorced.

I started our talk by asking about her day and weekend. Then I attempted to negotiate with her about me giving her portion of the security deposit. I thought by doing so I was meeting her EN for honesty and preventing a LB. Instead she turned my honesty around on me.

"Let's acknowledge that you are withholding from me my portion of the deposit." I said I was being honest with and respectful of her. She said, "Don't say you have been respectful of me. You have been anything but for the past three months." In a calm voice, I said that I have been respectful of our marriage, honest with her, and her actions have hurt and devastated me." She said we're getting divorced. After I said "Okay," I asked to talk with our DD's.

I attempted to treat her like a pro. What do others think? Isn't meeting her EN for conversation damn difficult?

Please help. I love my WW. I love our DD's. I want to reconcile with my WW and have a great marriage. And though I have regrets about my failure to heed the advice of the vets, I am proud of my faithfulness to my WW and efforts to slay the dragon of infidelity.

-----------------------------------------
Me: BH, 39 (and jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
EA: Fall '08
Move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day 2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice

"Fondly do we hope, fervently do we pray, that this mighty scourge of infidelity should pass away."
-- MJ's take on Lincoln's Second Inaugural.

Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
MJ,

Has anyone told you about the constant relationship talk and blubbering and whining and constant in your (her) face about what she is doing to you, the kids, etc. is a big turn-off and really not part of plan A.

In fact plan A has alot of "no relationship talk" in it.

There is a plan A-180 (for lack of a better name). In this plan when you see her you acknowledge her existence, nod, and then go about your biz. You smile all the time. You are happy and upbeat, joke with her, but stay kind of aloof, like there are more important things on your mind. If nothing else it might drive her crazy.

Of course being apart is tough to do any kind of plan, except plan B. Which could be an option too.

You have been in plan A for how long?? Since D-day #2?

kirk


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
MJ,

Her EN for conversation is important, but breaking up the A is the primary concern.

And when you have conversation with her it does not sound like good stimulating conversation. She is surely, crabby, and is picking fights with you at every turn.

So starting the conversation leads to heartache. May want to curtail that for a while.

Usually when a WW is on the fence, cake eating, there are ENs from both boys that are floating her boat.

A plan B, you going dark on her could work. At least it would help you get a little normalcy in your life.

She insists on divorce, but why hasn't she filed already? Is she a Big Tawker??

kirk


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
Page 3 of 31 1 2 3 4 5 30 31

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 32 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Ella Paradis, Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg
71,683 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5