also they could try to paint me as just a crazy wife but i have the proof of the A. I have them talking about them having sex that day. So it'll be hard to hide it then.

I was unhappy earlier today when you decided to confront him right away. My advice had been to read the site carefully first, and to read the Military Marriages forum to see how the military deals with affairs between personnel. You were so unsure about exposing at work that I did not think you would do this. I also did not want you to give away how you found out about the affair, because that source of information would be closed to you forever.

I felt strongly that you needed to read the site, calm down and approach exposure strategically. In some situations you only get one go at getting this right.

Instead of working out to whom and how you needed to expose, and writing the letters to his work, finding OWH's contact details and making sure you could reach him, you have ended up just where I warned you not to be. Your H knows your methods, he has warned OW who will try and keep her H and you apart, and you are backing out of exposing at work. You are preparing to let them work together at the expense of your marriage.

I have not read many WSs who drop the affair immediately on D Day. Most WSs that I have come across try to maintain contact, at least for a while.

How will you know whether there is contact now? If he shows you his phone, you know he will either have deleted all messages, or he will be using a different phone.

If you no longer worked together and the affair was long over by the time H found out, there was no need to expose him at work.

His circumstances are very different from yours in 2008.

This is not about being "fair" to him since he was "kind" to you; this is about stopping dead the affair and protecting your marriage. If they continue to have contact at work, the affair will continue and your marriage might well end. Your WH might still have his income after that, but the children will no longer have their father living with them and you will be financially poorer anyway.

I know I was trying to keep it in but I really couldn't. It' was all over my face and even my theripist said that. Like I said they can try to deniy but i have the proof and I didn't say how I got them just that I got them. But even if he does delete them sprint records them and i can go online and see that they have been talking.

I really tried to but with him being home and acting like nothing was wrong and then when i said we needed to talk he rolls his eyes and gets all pissy with me like him having to talk to me was just horrible. I have nobody here all my family is 8 hrs away and I couldn't just sit by and act like everything was fine.

I know i messed up somewhat but i am scared and confused. I love H very much and want so bad to make our M work and get back what we had. But like I said if we do stay and work it out exposing to his job would hurt us too.

I only say this because I went through a false recovery, and I wouldn't want anyone ever to experience that. I tried to give you a flavour of what mine was like, but really, I cannot capture my distress with words.

I don't believe your H's instant regret and desire to work on the marriage. I think that will come with time, especially if you calm down and handle things properly, but I simply don't believe that he is sincere today.

About the sprint records: he will read this thread and know all about this, now. You will never see OW on his sprint records again.

I'm not talking about the records that you already have; I'm talking about their future contact, which is a certainty. He will lie about NC and use another phone, one that you do not know about.

H says he is willing to take a regualar lie detector test

Ok maybe this is me being a b@#$h, but if I were standing in your shoes atm, the #1 thing WH could do to start making things right would be for him to go tell his CO about the A.

You are super worried about them working together, and if he wants to really fix this, he knows she will have to be out of the picture altogether.

Plus it will show that he is willing to take accountability.

I say this because I know that one of the biggest helps I have had from WH during our recovery was when he told his boss about the A. And in my case OW was not a co-worker. But it helped because he had someone that could effect his pockets that knew about it and that made me feel more secure in his sincerity to recover.

With all you have learned here, are you willing to take the word of a WS that he will do something in the future?

Will you have the money to pay for regular lie detector tests? They cost a few hundred dollars each time

Will you be able to force him to go regularly? What consequence will you impose when he throws a fit at being "treated like a criminal" and refuses to go?

You should get the DNA result today. Please tell us the outcome.

Ok well H did tell his company gysgt today. I told H that he should tell him so it may in fact lessen the blow if he stood up and admitted what he did. Then of course had the gysgt call me to verify that H did in fact talk to him. I know it was the gysgt because i have a call roster of all his co-workers (from before I told him I knew) and I have his old phone which also has the gysgt's number. So H did in fact tell gysgt everything and he asked me what I wanted to do and I told him that basically I don't want to ruin H career with a NJP but they couldn't continue working together. So he is working on trying to get H pulled from the company and transfer with the gysgt at the end of this class back to headquaters. Gysgt said that he'd be working with him and like 4 other guys and that's it there and H would have alot more time to spend with us to work on our problems. H would no longer be working the long hours and would be home alot more. So hopefully that all happends becuase I told him I couldn't wait another year until he would be up to tranfer outta his command and b billiet back into the fleet. I should in fact get the test results back by like 6pm today as long as everything went ok but now I also need to go get tested for any std's since H was having unprotected sex with the OW.

I want to make this work and I pray to god that the gysgt is able to get H outta there without having to declose what happend to the higher ups and get H in serious trouble. But the gysgt knows who the OW is also so he'll be able to keep an eye on them until he can get H transferred because they are so short staffed right no that he won't be able to move H until the class ends (28 days) so we'll see.

The fact that he confessed and is working to get reassigned is huge. Can you encourage him to continue posting here? What about signing up for counseling with the Harleys or doing the on-line course?

I know it is since he is risking getting into huge trouble. And right now he is working but I'll see if he'll continue to post here once he gets off. I'm very happy that he was willing to tell work and try to get transferred to prove he is willing to actually try to make our marriage work. Now i'm just worried that if i refuse to have sex with H he'll just start another A or continue to see the OW. What are the steps for this sorta thing?

In my case, since I knew I had already been exposed to what ever (luckily there was nothing) because WH was sleeping with both of us, I made him go get tested.

When that took too long for teh results to come back (I was impatient) I got myself tested.

In the meantime, I had some very frank discussion with WH about that fact that he risked not only my health but our son's as well.

At that point in time I could just see him catching something like HIV and passing it to me. Then me being a mom, would clean a cut on DS and pass it on to him unknowingly.

This was my biggest fear and that cause a couple of loud AOs because of that fear until after the results were back.

I sat down and explained the realities of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and herpes to WH. Including the fact the herpes can be transferred by skin to skin contact, no fluid necessary. And that the other two could cause me to become infertile without any symptoms. I think this scarred the H@ll out of him, because he had to sit down and think through the ramifications.

So after that I insisted that WH use condoms until I was ready.

Use condoms and INSIST he get tested, too.

i know i've been exposed because WH has been sleeping with both myself and OW. I'm going to try and get tested today so i'll cross my fingers. I can't wait until my GYN appt on the 2nd. I also told H that he had to be tested also. I'm just worried about if I wait to long until i was ready to have sex with him again that H will just go find it else where again.

If this is true, do you really want to be married to someone so selfish and unremorseful? That is what we call a DJ, mm. You are assuming he would just run off and have SF with someone else if you are not available.

Do you know the result yet, mm?

NO... I got a phone call from them today saying it would be tomorrow because the lab needed more time. Which they told me could happpen since i got the 23 markers instead of the normal 16.
Plus they do 2 separate test which is why we had to send muliple samples. So I can't complain to much since I wanted this second test done.

DJ??? I'm not sure what that is. But no I don't want to be with someone who is going to be that selfish but at the same time I know SF is H #1 need and I have not been doig my job so OW did. That is my fault for creating that hole in my M and I realized that a few wks ago but it was already to late since the PA had already begun.

We exposed to some friends today about both our A's and it came as a shock to them cause they didn't expect it since we seemed to communicate fine with eachother but not good enough. Which I told H today that if we were really going to make this work he had to talk to me and let me know what bothers him otherwise how can I know to make adjustments and vise versa but I have to learn how to stop just nagging at him and just explain what I mean. I have to stop assuming that H should know what is bothering me and know how to fix it. Yes we have been together for 10 years but we also have drifted apart these past yrs and aren't as close as we used to be. I want that friendship back, that trust and feeling of complete love and warmth that I got with him. The connection I felt by just being near him which would be all I needed from him to know he loved me too. We were so happy and I did mess it up with my A. I hate what I did to him but I can't change the past and now realize that I have to forgive myself first in order for H to forgive me too and vise versa. Now I still love my H and I honestly can't even begin to picture my life without him so I am ready to fight for him which is why I haven't been pissed and angry with him (even though I have a right to) but what he did today showed me that he is willing to lose his job in order to save us and that really meant alot to me. I love him so much and short of murder I'm pretty sure I'll be able to move past this as long as he is willing to also.

Dear MM;

Earlier I misspoke. I did not mean that your OM (if the true bio father) has current legal rights to his son, that will only happen if the H challenges parentage. Fact is bio parents do have, in many cases tremendous influence in their children�s lives. Many judges see a moral obligation for relationships with bio parents. At this point you are lucky, it is up to you to decide that, unles your WH challenges parentage.

Those of you who think bio dads who are were not married to the mother of a child have no rights, I wish you could speak directly to my SIL�s judge. Thousands of CS dollars and forced/welcomed visitations every week cannot be wrong.

On the other side, your son has a right to know the medical history of his bio father. Did you say the OM was African American? What about family history of sickle cell? cancers? diabetes? blood clots and heart health? Some of these diseases are overrepresented in the black community, this medical history could save your son�s life in the future.

I doubt deciet will.

H and I had already talked about telling son but once he's old enough to understand. And yes I agree that we do need the OM medical history but H needs to get it I refuse to make any contact with OM the only other option is having my sister get the info from OM. I just think that H is putting it off because he may be afraid that the OM will want to step in and be part of son's life and I serious doubt H is going to be ok with that at all.