This is a good idea Scotty, A letter would spell out where you stand so they had no excuse, and a minister makes a good IM for this sort of thing.

Many of us have had to stop contact with toxic people we love, when we could, as in when we became adults. They are reinforcing each other with the bullch!t, and you are being crucified.

Just to protect yourself Scotty. You have that right to love.

I agree! Plan B for your mom and brother. They things they said are not justifiable. Period. Shame on your mom for saying what she said about your marriage, but as you know well by now, out of the mouth of waywards (and even some new FWS) comes BS!

If anyone, I don't care who, called me a C-word, I would never speak to them or see them again, without a very sincere and humble apology.

If anyone,related by blood or not, permitted such conduct, I would not see them either.

Your children are watching and listening .... protection of yourself is protection of your children.

Block them from seeing your sons.

Awwwwwwww Sis!!!!!!!!


{{{{{{{Scottie}}}}}}},

I don't have much to add. You already know of my "crazy" family situation and my "Plan-B/Love-must-be-tough" with my mom. I will say, if I haven't already........my life has been SOOOOOO much more peaceful for it. Sometimes I am sad about it and do miss her, but the peace has be exactly what I needed for a long time.........


Not

Ps........I could come up there and put the shake down on the brother though.......I HATE that word more than anything........

The offer stands.........

I wont even make referance to that word. It boils my blood.

Really, the the worse feeling is being alone, and nobody can do it. Its not possible.

"You can pick your friends but not your family" has been used so many times...

But the word familiarity come from the way we act in our families, the unfair expectations, the desire we have for acceptance even if we do wrong. This assumption that we belong to one another and all things are, or should be, forgivable.

Not all family members qualify as friends. Freinds are held to a higher standard, because they don't owe you or you them like family thinks they do.

1 Corinthians 13:11
When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.


But how many still act like children and will not take responsibility for the words or deeds? What there conscience dictates comes from what? What they feel? Sometimes your family can hold you back from real freedom in the guise of love.

Genesis 2:24
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Then we connect with someone who is suppossed to understand this, be one with us, before God and the truth. But those feelings come in or hang around waiting to be fed. We Christians call it "the flesh". When our feelings fall outside of what God has given us to act right and treat each other correctly it comes from us, not Him, because God does not have flesh nor does he promote it, but heck he understands it. He knows that it will destroy us if left unchecked.

Familys can blind us to this when they think put on us that we owe them something. They should be glad they were gifted with a chance to love us, and learn what love is while doing so, but learning is slow and the painful realization that we don't know the future or really love like God does is a humbling road we won't take if our feelings can help it.


I don't know if your strong enough or if would be right for you to disown your family. Its an easy thing to say from this point of view, because they are messed up. I do think you should write them all a letter and stand your ground. This is your life before God and your convictions are right, as long as they live in there justifiactions and emotions they will be blind. They don't have to live that way, but in familys they assume thats the way it is, and sometimes find security in the mess because its familiar, and identity also.

You are breaking the cycle in this, and its hard. Just try and keep moving forward while putting it behind you and don't expect them change or appreciate it. Your boys will, and maybe Bampot if he ever gets it. Jesus couldn't even teach in his hometown because of familiarity, but he still taught those with ears to listen, after he left his home town behind.

You are breaking the cycle and they are throwing fits to pull you back in.

How do I know?

Personal experience.

{{{{{Scotty}}}}}}

Plan B'ing family is almost harder than WH isn't it?

We're here for you. You're in my prayers tonight - that you'll be wrapped in God's love tonight and that He will send you some special message that you're not alone. Watch for it. The message is coming! Be open from whoever/wherever it shows up.


You love God. He will not leave you and nothing, not wayward husbands, deranged brothers or shameful mothers will separate you from the Love of God.

Thank You all. I was MIA these past hours because I couldn't get my internet up and running. I actually had a thought, albeit short and scary, about calling Bampot and asking him to help fix it. I kept telling myself that I needed him. He could fix it and I would be better off. Then, I thought about all of YOU and how disappointed you would be in me and how disappointed I would be in myself after I read all of your posts. I decided that I COULD do it. I tried to figure it out and.....it was EASY. Couldn't have been easier. Somehow, the DSL cable got unplugged at the wall. Plugged it back in and here I am.

There isn't much I have to do to Plan B my brother anyways. We don't see each other often and I can make sure it is less often. It's really only Bdays and Holidays now anyways.

My Mom would be a harder one for me. I will seriously think about it. ARGH.

Sorry Scotty, Hang in there. One hurdle at a time.
{{{{Scotty}}}}
At least you fixed the internet.

Honestly Scotty, I would strongly recommend making it "never" instead of "almost never". And of course for your mom, too.

If you cut off your family, in addition to protecting yourself from abuse which you don't deserve, it will also teach your boys how to graciously deal with abusive people.

Should these abusers ever become truly repentant, yours boys will have the opportunity to see how to forgive.

If you do not totally cut off these people, and only reduce contact to almost never, what will your children learn? That someone can abuse without consequence. Whether they eventually saw themselves as the victim or the victimizer, that would not be what you ever wanted for them.

In case you needed one more reason, it is the most loving thing you can do for your family. Your mom-person and brother-person obviously think they can be abusive without consequence. It is your privilege to show them otherwise. Your dad, an abuser himself, may also learn something as he watches.

I'll work on it Neak. It's a lot more difficult. Isn't that funny? I think it is because when I was in NC with my parents, years back, I had Bampot. Now that I am in NC with Bampot, I figured it was okay, because I had my family. I don't have a lot of friends. I only keep friends around that are good for me. I KNOW that you are speaking truth. It's just a lot to deal with all at the same time.

No guarantees. I will work on it though. It's funny. I post about what my brother said on here, and I get a protective reaction. I tell my IRL friends and they say, "Want me to kick his azz?" My family? They sat there and said nothing in my defense and my Mom actually started attacking ME. WOW.

I think that fact speaks volumes.

I know Limbo. It's even harder to undo the 34 years of abuse from my family. I know that if I had friends that talked to me like that.....let's just say I WOULDN'T have friends that talked to me like that. I am really working on it. I know I need to do this for me and for my kids. I was always sad that I didn't know my grandfathers. I was hoping that I could give my children all of their grandparents. Bampot doesn't really talk to his parents so they lost them. I am hoping to keep mine for them. NOT at all costs though. I could Plan B her and still have visitations for my kiddos. Wouldn't that be grand?

On a funny note. I bought DS7 some new shoes a month ago. He didn't want to get rid of the old ones. He LOVED them. So much, that he let Scooch chew the new ones so I couldn't throw the old ones away. So, I told him that he needed to save his allowance to buy a new pair of shoes. Today, I bought him a new pair while I was at work. I told him that I bought him new shoes and he said, "OMG, they are the same ones." I said, "No they aren't." He said, "Yep, Daddy took me to the store today and bought me new shoes and look Mommy, they are the same ones." I almost DIED. Out of all the shoes we both picked out the same ones. HAHAHAHAHAHA. The universe is always so funny to me. LOVE IT.

That is a strange coincidence. Kind of sad, but kind of funny too. Nothing beats a well broken-in pair of gym shoes though.

Morning Miss SCottie,

I wouldn't do this....Not yet anyway. Your mother hasn't displayed any maturity for this. Who's to say she won't bad mouth you to the boys without you there. Heck, we already KNOW what she says to you when they are present, imagine how much worse it could get if you weren't???.....

While you have no control over how much time Bampot see's the boys or what he says to them about you, there are no laws stating the grandparents have any rights to their grandbabies. IF they want to see them, then they get to learn to control their tempers and what they say.

{{{{{{Scottie}}}}}}}

I think you are over-do for some self care. I know you aren't much of a "spa" girl, but think of something that you love to do that relaxes you.....though, I'm all for a pedi. If you haven't had one, you don't KNOW what you are missing.....

Not

My kids do not currently get to visit one set of grandparents, due to the blatant badmouthing of numerous family members and undermining that goes on. As bad as they have been, your brother and mom cast them far in the shade.

If they choose to improve, we are willing to rethink our visitation policy.

Scotty is that tough aunt, you know the one they all hide things from because she will just, you know, "not understand". When in fact, she understands full well.

It will be tough whenever you deal with them as long as they stay the same. I for one, wouldn't let them drag me down, and if that means not talk to them so be it.

Its funny though, whatch how many times they come to you for strength, when they want change, whether they do or not depends on them, but knowing who to ask is a better place to be than who to complain to.

Just be happy you are not engulfed in that crap scotty and have fun with your RL friends as much as possible. Lifes to short.

Would you consider letting your boys get to know Bampot's parents? Since you don't have to worry about Bampot showing up and breaking your Plan B.

This is assuming they aren't horrible people, of course.

If they are at all decent people, they would be very grateful to you for giving them the chance to get to know their grandsons.