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#2413573 08/04/10 03:42 PM
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Do all WS's rewrite their marital history? Or are they just people who can only see their viewpoint and are convinced that their perspective is THE TRUTH? I feel like my H and I were in different marriages completely! He is bringing up comments I made 10-15 YEARS ago and telling me how they made him feel--and his perspective on what I meant by them is WAY off. He never told me they upset him at the time and my explanations of them now hold no water to him. He is CONVINCED that how he sees things IS how it was and continues to be.

Any others experience this? Do I just have a messed up H or is there a chance for clarity? BTW--I can see how he has his perspective, I just don't think it is the truth, just his opinion thru his own particular lense.

Last edited by sisterinlaw; 08/04/10 03:43 PM.
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Yes, they all rewrite the history....you're not alone in this. My WH made our whole marriage seem like an accident. He told me we never had it going on in the sex department yet we had 4 children. He also told me things that I never said. For example, he said, "I remember the day you told me I was ugly and too old to get anyone else." I never said such things.

You see SIL....they have to do this to justify their affair...by telling themselves these things, it makes them feel right and entitled.


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Originally Posted by sisterinlaw
Any others experience this? Do I just have a messed up H or is there a chance for clarity? .

No, this is all pretty typical stuff.

Keep in mind the phrase, "We see what we want to see." The act history rewriting is really a means to justifying an action (or series of actions) which cannot stand on their own merit.

It's really not much more than 'mental gymnastics' -- with a really cruddy dismount.....

TBC



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Originally Posted by sisterinlaw
Do all WS's rewrite their marital history? Or are they just people who can only see their viewpoint and are convinced that their perspective is THE TRUTH? I feel like my H and I were in different marriages completely!

sisterinlaw, if you want to understand their mindset, just compare it to any other addict. A falling down drunk has a warped perspective of reality because he is intoxicated with alcohol. Of course they believe it is the truth, until they sober up.

This is why the Harleys recommend not paying any attention to the fogbabble of a wayward. Once he sobers up he will have a better grasp of reality.

The rewriting of history stems from the need to justify his bad behavior. It is much easier to alter reality than it is to alter one's behavior.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks. So you think that he is still wandering? I discovered his EA 9 years ago! I did Plan A and Plan B, counseled with Steve Harley, but he refused to do counseling after I moved back in. I think he has held onto everything he used to justify the A in the first place. I have made changes in all the ways I was not meeting his needs, but he has remained distant emotionally from me. Now he says he is so unahppy in our marriage and all the stuff has come up all over again. He confessed that he had a ONS before the A and another after(!) I am actually kind of numb. I already knew what he was capable of, so it is not truly surprising, however after all we went through I would never have thought he would do it again. I suspect more that he has not told me including porn. I just can't talk to him he is cliniging so tightly to his version of events. When do you throw in the towel?

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Originally Posted by sisterinlaw
Thanks. So you think that he is still wandering? I discovered his EA 9 years ago! I did Plan A and Plan B, counseled with Steve Harley, but he refused to do counseling after I moved back in. I think he has held onto everything he used to justify the A in the first place. I have made changes in all the ways I was not meeting his needs, but he has remained distant emotionally from me. Now he says he is so unahppy in our marriage and all the stuff has come up all over again. He confessed that he had a ONS before the A and another after(!) I am actually kind of numb. I already knew what he was capable of, so it is not truly surprising, however after all we went through I would never have thought he would do it again. I suspect more that he has not told me including porn. I just can't talk to him he is cliniging so tightly to his version of events. When do you throw in the towel?
Did he JUST tell you of the other affairs?


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Most definitely!!

I don't even know how to respond to some of the "fuzzy history" that I have heard.

I guess it is a defense method. They know what they are doing is wrong, but they feel justified in their actions. The rewrites are a way of dealing with this conflict.

I know that my ex after 4 yrs has finally started taking reponsibility for how she behaved and the things she did.

Jason

Last edited by unseen2; 08/04/10 05:26 PM.

Finally Healing working towards the day when I can be a good partner, and choose someone good for me.

Most Current relationship ended with her cheating and kicking me out on the streets.

2 PA 1999 w/ IA.

1 EA 2002.

IA & PA 2003/2004. (while I was deployed and brought the bast*** around my boy)

Thinking is easy, action is difficult; to act in accordance with one's thoughts is the most difficult thing in the world.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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Yes, he just told me in an email last night about the 2 ONS. I don't think he has made changes, he feels he has b/c he stopped leaving the house to work out every night and staying out for hours. I am kinda ready to just let this marriage go. He has an apt. which is where he sleeps, though he comes to the house and stays virtually all the rest of the time. He says it is the only way he can sleep. Everything that has happened keeps him from sleeping which has lead to very serious insomnia for the last several years. It is hard to meet his needs when he doesn't sleep b/c nothing satisfies him and he will sleep all day on weekends b/c he is so exhausted from the lack of sleep each night.

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Originally Posted by sisterinlaw
. He has an apt. which is where he sleeps, though he comes to the house and stays virtually all the rest of the time.

He has his own apartment? A serial cheater has his own apartment? faint

WHY??


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Throw in the towel, divorce him and find someone who will treat you the RIGHT way!

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Yes, actually that is where I am headed. i have tried all that I can and done all that I can do. Sadly we have a 9 y.o. DD who will be devastated. I did hang on for a long time so she could have her dad around instead of sharing custody, but this is not a good model for her to see.

Are most WS's weak ego-ed, "victims"

Lesson here--if they don't follow MB your chances of a good recovery are pretty bad.

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So he texts me last night and asks after his email what do I want to do? What are my thoughts? What?? I said you have told me you are deeply unhappy with our me and our M and you have an apartment that you go to each night. What choices do I have? I told him he should make a schedule for spending time with DD and move his stuff out so he can feel the separation has told me he so needs.

After all this history and seeing him be in the exact same mindset he was in so long ago, honestly, I am not really in save the marriage mode. Iam in my own mental survival mode--who brings up stuff from 15 years ago and uses it against you when they never brought it up with you or discussed it with you at the time. Aargh! Feel like I fell down the rabbit hole. Since I don't think he is having an A now can this be fog babble?? Would he still be babbling if he is just using a lot of porn?

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If you could know what he is doing in that apt I would bet $100 that he is in a steady affair with one or more people for the past couple years. From his regular fog talk, and him living outside the house is really all that it takes to show that he is not committed to marriage.

I would do some super sluthing to find what he is doing in that apt. If he is in an affair you can figure out what you want to do next. If he is not then you must get him back home to work on the marriage.

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I agree....he is having multiple affairs.

You need to decide what you want, do you want him back? A serial cheater and an addiction to porn?

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SIL,

Are most WS's weak ego-ed, "victims"

That seems to sum it up as best as I've seen, the justifications they give are endless. Men just love to be seen as victims.

OM4 gave my wife a complete overview of his lifes' struggles, but, and it was very big of him, my wife helped him resolve them.

God Bless

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I honestly am not sure that I have the determination to sleuth out what he is doing, try to get him home and work on the M. I feel defeated that we are still here despite all the previous A stuff we went through. When do you just say enough is enough, the person isn't going to change and I need to move on? I feel in my heart that I have done everything I can possibly do. None of those things has changed how he looks at our relationship now.

I used to feel guilty about hurting him, guilty not to work on the marriage. Then I felt shame that I had failed. I always felt love for HIM and hope that things could be better. But now I just feel defeated, numb and baffled.

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I am not sure if he is having a full blown A but I know that he has always had inappropriate friendships with women that from the beginning of our M I told him hurt me and asked that he discontinue. He never did and I rationalized that he needed them for his ego and that I was the one he loved. I now wonder if that didn't effect me and keep me from fully giving of myself in order not to be hurt?

Thinking about everything makes me feel crazy and hopeless. I think I just want him to move out and leave me alone!!

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Originally Posted by sisterinlaw
Thinking about everything makes me feel crazy and hopeless. I think I just want him to move out and leave me alone!!

If that is what you want, then pack his things, drop them off his apt, and find a lawyer, so you can start working on yourself.

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Originally Posted by sisterinlaw
I am not sure if he is having a full blown A but I know that he has always had inappropriate friendships with women that from the beginning of our M I told him hurt me and asked that he discontinue. He never did and I rationalized that he needed them for his ego and that I was the one he loved. I now wonder if that didn't effect me and keep me from fully giving of myself in order not to be hurt?

Thinking about everything makes me feel crazy and hopeless. I think I just want him to move out and leave me alone!!
I am promarriage but I think this marriage is already dead. For your own mental health I think Divorce is best. Sorry you are going through this SIL.


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Thanks everyone, I think I need to move on. A sad thing but necessary.

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