My wife of 10 years is moving out in 9 days. We have four children ages 14 6 5 and 4. She is getting and apartment across the town and I am keeping the house. The kids will be joint custody and we both agreed on no child support. When they stay at who's place will be determined by her work schedule. She is the manager of a KFC and works days, or nights, and at least on weekend day, sometimes both days.

It all started on June 28, 2010. She said she did not like coming home anymore. She has sent me emails in the past stating "we don't do this anymore, I miss that, etc". I would change for awhile but with the 4 kids and both working a lot of hours, we would (or me more) drift apart. Five months later, another talk or email would come in,same story.

So on the 28th she agreed to seek help with me. For the next few days she started guarding her cell, put a lock on it and was always texting. I know she has a lot of 20 something's she works with and she loves the gossip, so I never thought much of it till now.

July 3rd she went out with friends around 8:00 after work and did not invite me. So now I am wondering. I jump on her laptop and BAM...An email to a high school girlfriend saying I was an "[censored]" this marriage was over, etc etc.

The next sentenced started it all..."oh and about Craig, he is 20, real tall, reminds me of someone we hung out in school with. We have not had sex, but he does get me hot and bothered".

I called her, asked who Craig was and got the typical "just a friend I was joking in the email". She came home calmed me down and told me we were working on us.

Four days later, she wants a new car. I fill out the loan app online with her (I am trying to let go of my "controlling ways") and the next day she goes up to the dealer, I meet her and we are ready to buy. I walk outside and ask four questions.

1) Can we afford this car right now? YES
2) Tell me about Craig? Nothing is going on
3) Two nights ago you said you ran into friends at the store, we you texting anyone in that hour? NO
4) Are we working on us? Yes, I would not ask you to do this if I was not committed.

Well I knew for sure there was one lie. What she did not know was that I had been tracking her text messages online with her cell phone carrier. I had the number in question, but could not match it to a person yet. I had a co-worker start to call the number days before until a person picked up.

The very next day, I found his profile on Facebook, he was a friend of hers, name, age, location and place of work all matched. So I had a face. Kept scrolling through his post and BAM....He posted his cell. I have a match

Now over a month, there were thousands of incoming and outgoing texts to this number. For the last week or so I was watching her times out, when I left, when she got home, when she went out back to smoke by herself, etc, etc. She was texting him.

So I called her around 9:30 that morning and told her I wanted to talk and I was coming home. She asked why and I said "tell me about Craig"? She got upset and I said I have the text logs from the cell company. She was busted. Screamed at me and hung up

I got home, she was not there, she called 20 minutes later, asked if we could talk, I said yes and when he got home she was at rock bottom. I laid into her about this and the car, and the kids and told her what in the world is a 35 year old housewife with 4 kids see in a 20 year old punk? She said she missed her 20's (she got pregnant at 20 hence or 14 year old. Not my child, it was from a one night stand before I met her)

So we talked for 20 minutes, she said she wanted to move on and I said ok. She said nothing happen..I bought it

Three days later, "we need to separate" I was shocked. but agreed to share the house and ever other night one of us would leave. This last for a week and the night prior to our first appointment for marriage help, she said "it's over and I am not going". And since that day she does not come home but a few hours to see the kids.

She contacted a lawyer and took what we agreed upon and had a separation document written. She got an apartment and leaves in 9 days.

This past Friday she told me when I asked if she was seeing someone and she said "sort of kinda". I got upset and started my begging crap.

That night we spoke and I asked if she was having sex, she said no. Sunday for some reason I asked again and asked who it was and she said Craig and they just had sex a week ago. However the email I read was dated mid June. So I find it hard to believe it took that long for her to have sex.

After I blew up yesterday we spoke late last night, she laid into me about why she wants out and told me she has never had sex. She said I asked that question so much that she told me what I wanted to hear. She claims I won't look at myself as the reason and she gave a reason to hate her.

Now she no longer works where he does, but I see her from time to time at his work outside smoking with him. She did change her cell # after I caught the text messages, but him not having that number lasted maybe a day.

Like I said he is 20, works maybe 14 hours a week, have a pregnant ex, and is in love with my wife other people have told me.

Since July 19th, I can't say anything to make her stay. I have done this, that, paid for her car to get fixed, sent her flowers, brought her Starbucks at work, etc.

Between the 28th of June and the 19th of July, she told many people how awesome my change was and how much I was the guy she met 12 years ago. So she saw that I was changing because this time I REALLY wanted to.

She told me she has been getting over me for a year. So on the 28th, she was done, not in love.

Well, 3 months prior to this, we just brought home a little boy from Africa that we adopted. She did all the paperwork over the last year and was so excited. However back in October of last year, she told a friend of mine that our relationship was over. She ask "then why adopt?" My wife said, it's too late we can't stop it" That is total bull, you can stop the process at anytime, sure you lose money, but if it needs to stop, you can do it.

So, 12 years together, four kids, tells me she wants out but will work on it, 3 weeks later changes her mind, lies to get a car, messing around with a 20 year old, misses her twenties, went through with an adoption after telling a friend we were done and back in December wrote on her blog how happy she was and loved her kids, me and WOULD NOT give any of that back.

So right now she hates me, is leaving in 9 days and is ready to break up this family. People who work with her tell me she and Craig won't last and he is a "shelter" to her from dealing with our issues". She started smoking again, is buying a lot of beer (we have a joint account she puts money in and I can see it online, I don't put money in there anymore).

So at this point I need to let her go, words can't stop this. Stop being mad at her, focus on the kids and let me see a change.

How long do you think a 20 year old will last with a 35 year old with four kids and he has a kid on the way from an ex?

What is she thinking? How can she justify anything and everything she has done since June not to mention the adoption?

What are your thought on all this and what do you think her outcome is? How long till she "snaps out of it"

Thanks everyone.....

dat - sorry you're here, but this place can REALLY help you. There is A LOT you can do here.

First off, notify a moderator and get this moved to the Surviving an Affair forum. Lots of help there for you and it's a higher traffic forum.

Second, you need to get ready to EXPOSE this affair to EVERYONE. Affairs thrive on SECRECY you need to DESTROY the fantasy. Expose to your family, her family, your kids (without your wife) the OMs family and GF/ExGF. Everyone must know and must hear it from YOU. I know this will be scary, but I promise it is the #1 best tool you have if you want a CHANCE at getting your wife back.

Third, DO NOT under any circumstances leave your house. DON'T DO IT. Stand Strong on this. If your wife wants to leave and go party like a 20 year old - let her, but don't give up your home to enable her.

So what if you already made a verbal agreement on it. Renege. It isn't in your family's best interest for you to cater to the whims of your wayward wife.

At this point you need to Plan A.

Read this thread all the way through. It's a great place to start.

Again sorry you're here. But of all the places to be, this is the best.

Please hit Notify at the bottom of your post and have this moved to Surviving an Affair, where you will get relevant help.

Sorry that you have to be here.

Have you confronted the 20yo?

Thanks...

Two questions

1) how do I get this thread moved like you ais?
2) what does this mean?

So what if you already made a verbal agreement on it. Renege. It isn't in your family's best interest for you to cater to the whims of your wayward wife.

Are you saying I should not keep my house, my bills and share custody with her? We we have a verbal agreement on is, she takes her bills, I take the house and it's bills (TV, Electric, water) and we share the kids bills. The kids address stays my house so they can attend their current school.

So what do you mean by "Renege"?

Thanks again

Oh and to answer your questions:


Not long, at all - especially if you kill this affair with a dose of reality: exposure.


She isn't thinking. She isn't the wife you've loved and raised a family with. That woman is gone. An affair triggers the same chemicals in the mind as an addiction. Your wife is currently on par with a drug addict. She has no judgement, no ability to make rational decisions, and will lie, justify and rationalize her behavior to everyone, including herself. She is an addict to her affair.

You gotta deal with her the same way you deal with any addict.


Hard to say - and a LOT depends on YOU. If you expose and destroy the fantasy, if you execute a stellar Plan A and be strong and courageous fighting for your family - you will have a MUCH better chance. This involves standing up for what is right and refusing to allow your wife to walk all over you.

On average, I believe affairs last 2 years. As relationships they eventually peter out and die a natural death as they are built on lies and fantasy. YOU can make it last a LOT longer.

Also - if he is an employee/coworker - you MUST expose this at the workplace. Especially if she is in a position of authority over him.

K go read - and absorb. Work on your plan.

Yes I have exposed this to my family as well as hers. Brothers, sisters. She no longer works at the same place, she is no longer over him, she does work for the same company, just a diff location.

The person who is over him is her best friend and that person told me that my wife is nuts and has told her that.

My wife and her best friend talk all the time, so I know that opinion is valued.

This guy is for sure 20, works to pay rent and drink beer and get tattoos. That is his words as posted on his Facebook page.

As far as people at his work knowing about it, well I think some know and some might. She cant shut up, and she is there outside smoking with him so everyone can see that.

I have not been in contact with him. He knows I know and he likes to text me and ask he to come see him (he is baiting me) but I don't bite). He is 20 year old loser with no care, I am 35 years old with 4 kids, a job car payments and a house. My kids don't need me in jail and my wife does not need fuel for the courts as to being an unfit father.

dat68, sorry you are here.

Contact the corporate human resource company and send a letter about your W and her employee having an A while she was his manager.

There is a great letter here I think posted by Britbrat that you can use. (Any MBers know where to find). The company could have a serious sexual harrassment case on their hands if the 20 year cries this (See today's story about HP CEO that got fired bc work OW cried sexual harrassment)

Call the car company -- usually there is a 30 days grace period. Do you have car payments? if so you do not pay.

You need legal advice. You do not want your children exposed to this OM under any condition. Go see an attorney (make sure it is free initial visit) and ask what your rights are.

Do you live in a state where you can charge her with adultery for D?

Do not make this easy for her. If you are giving her money, free access to kids and her own love nest -- all this will do is feed her fantasy.

She needs to understand what it will be like for her when you are out of the picture.

Listen to the vets here they will advise you.

On your thread there is a button called "Notify". Click it and request it be moved to SAA. The mods will handle the rest.

I mean you stay at your house. No switching. You pay your bills and for the kids. She pays for her own apartment and bills. If you have CCs cut her off of them. NONE of your money should finance her moving out of the house. NONE.

If you want to work out custody, fine, but your kids stay living with you - in your house.

What's best for your family is a whole, intact, loving marriage. THAT is what you should be fighting for.

Good Idea not taking that bait. Check to see if you can expose to OM family and ex. Refrain from bad mouthing your wife to your exposure targets, just give them the truth, and offer evidence if needed. Even the moms of a lowlife like this have some influence. Check for anyone else with influence such as church leaders, bosses, and anyone else.

Was your wife moved to a different location because of the affair?

Don't worry about the whole, I miss my 20's talk. There is nothing that he can give to her, she knows this, but ignores it because it is not part of the fantasy. My wife said the same things, and it scared me. Some of it is ture, but it is not reality and she is feeding her fantisy. Instead focus on your plan to get things the way they should be.

Your wife is lost at this point, she has totally lost her maturity.....
I say let her go and live an experience she will learn from.....you take care of your children and yourself........
Don't worry about what she is doing.....don't support her in any way, she is making this decision........
When the 20 year old has to deal with 4 kids how long do you think that will last, not long my guess, his plan I'm sure was her and partying no kids, babysitting.....she will realize what a mistake she is making in no time....
If you want to save your marriage, tell her when she comes to her senses and is truly willing to grow up and work on your marriage, you would be willing to talk about it. Until then the two of you have nothing to discuss......
I feel sad she has chosen this path for herself...............

Wheels Spinning....

She was promoted from asst. manager of the store where they met to another location where is the manager. So it had nothing to do with him...I did just send a nice letter explaining what happen to that companies HR department with her name and his and what I have seen there, so exposing to all..

Her family knows, my knows, my 14 year old know (not happy about that because she tells her they are "friends")

What about OM's family? His baby mamma? Are you sure they aren't 'together?'

I assure you, if you make this unpleasant for OM, he will drop her like a hot potato in favor of a younger, less strings attached type of girl.

A 20 year old with a 14 year old step child. Plant that image in his head. College, maybe braces, whatever he'll be picking up the tab for when you are out of the picture.

I'd send him that dose of reality. After all, the 14 year old is your step child. If she leaves, you won't be supporting the step child, he will.

Is that what he wants? Of course not, he's found some "cougar" and he's taking what he can.

Seems the relationship with this 20 year old would be pretty easy to kill. The question is, will your WW then go for another 20 year old to scratch that itch or what?

Maybe invite the young man to have a talk with you in your lawyers office. If he's texting and wants to talk, you can either invite him, or even better, get a restraining order against him.

Use his behavior and the evidence that he's having an affair with your wife to make sure that your three bio kids are protected from this guy.

A restraining order where he cannot come near you or your children might throw some cold water on this affair.

I had the cops here the night he was texting, the cop saw it and 5 minutes after the cop got here my wife should up. The cop called the loser, told my wife to tell him to back off and I texted him and told him to stop or I would press charges.

My wife gave the cop (a female cop) a load of BS that he was friend, had no idea how he got my #, etc.

My wife left to go God knows where and the cop even sensed something not right with her.

I am not sure who the ex pregnant girlfriend is, but in the past my wife claims to be her friend. Not sure if she knows, I would think so, but I will see what I can find out about her

This has got to be the craziest thing I have ever been involved with....Hurts like hell, but crazy no doubt

Do you think emailing her friends that I know on Facebook about this is a good idea?

I mean all of our family knows, he parents are mad at her and I did not know if telling more in common friends would be a good idea?

Thanks everyone your comments and opinions are great.....!

The more people you tell the better. Ask for their help in persuading your wife to end her affair. Tell anyone who has influence over your wife. She will befurious- just let her anger roll off you. Your taking the crack pipe away from the addict. Stand firm. Your new mantra is "I am fighting for my marriage and family".

dat68, I would call punkboy's mommy and see what she has to say. I suspect she is a loser like him because he is so flagrant, but she might surprise you. If my son acted so trashy there would be hell to pay. We have had many parents step in and make a big difference when notified.

ok..I will work up a nice email tonight and blast it out to all our common friends

Thanks

I will need to do some research and find his Mommy...I guess I can check his friends on Facebook and see if she likes him...I think he is from the state north of me so I will do a internet search on his name and see if the parents come up

Good Idea....Thanks...!