To me I try to think of Plan B as...What other choices are there...Living with a wayward spouse who wont stop and affair..or protecting myself from the pain of WS selfishness...

Lets face it our WH are having an A...Plan B is not what is going to damage our chances at a marriage recovery, the A is...

The M has already been broken....Plan B is our best chance now.

Oh Lil, I KNOW that MB does not control WS at ALL. I get this. I was just really upset when I read that comment and I was like, "WHAT? So, now BWs go into Plan B after a few weeks(this is a newer version of DrHs advice apparently, he used to recommend 6 months for everyone) and that is the END of their marriage?" I know that there are risks in entering into Plan B. Risks that the WS will NEVER come back. I get that. I didn't enter into Plan B lightly. I followed the plans. Not just for marital recovery but for all of the benefits of Plan B. I don't want posters to get stuck in Plan A because they don't want to give up on their marriage. There is already a HUGE reluctance to going into Plan B. I just wanted a good discussion on what is really going on for Plan B.

Scotland, he is not telling BS' there is no chance. He is saying there is LESS CHANCE if you don't. Plan B is about removing yourself from the circle of abuse from the affair. Staying in contact with an active wayward is dangerous because it depletes the lovebank so badly that feelings can turn to hate.



from His Needs, Her Needs, pg 168

"A separation is helpful in protecting the emotions of the betrayed spouse. But another reason a separation is helpful is that the betrayed spouse withholds the fulfillment of needs he/she performed prior to the affair. In most cases, a lover meets one to two important emotional needs, and a spouse meets two or three. The wayward spouse comes to realize that the lover cannot meet needs his/her spouse had met and it sometimes leads to the realization that "you can't have your cake and eat it too." A separation may also result in the opportunity for unpleasant experiences between a spouse and a lover, driving down the Love Bank account, but don't count on it."

In summation, Scotland, Plan B gives your marriage the best chance possible even though the odds are bad when a spouse will not end his affair. And if your WS does not wake up and come back you are better prepared for divorce because you will be emotionally detached at that point.

Thank You Mel, as always you pull out what I needed and couldn't find. I KNOW Plan B is the best thing for ME. I KNOW it was the only chance that I had left. I believe in the MB principles. I follow the concepts. I am NOT questioning whether or not I should have done Plan B, I DID IT. I am just throwing it out there so there will be BOTH sides and more importantly, DrH's side.

Thank you to all who are posting on the topic. You are helping me learn more about MB. For that, I can never repay you enough.

There were MANY things that went on before I came to MB. I am so appreciative for what has happened since I have come here. My WH was already having an affair for who knows how long. Our marriage was already in a tailspin. I didn't know what to do. I think of MB like an emergency manual that you find just before you hit the ground. I was a quick study and I got on board FAST. How could I not? I was about to CRASH. Now, I don't even recognize that person anymore. I am HAPPIER than I have been in YEARS. I miss my dear husband terribly, BUT he has been gone for a long time already. I am definitely better off now than I was before. there are DEFINITE benefits for personal recovery in Plan B.

Thank you ALL.

Thanx for the bump Pep. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...&Number=1846639&nt=46&page=1 As ALWAYS, I wanna put whatever quotes on here that I find on there. Here is one I found from Silentlucidity to Stilhurting1


Here, SL is answering a question form a poster named LilSis about grieving your WS while you are in Plan B. Pay special attention to the highlighted part. GOLDEN.


OMG, CHRISNER came up with the idea of having the emoticon on here. Every time I use it, I will say a "Thanx" to Chrisner.

I think we (the BS) are so lost and broken when we come here that we often overlook little pieces of information that are so critical.
This being one of them.

I am grateful that I found this site and grateful for all the support I have received; I would not have survived without knowing that there were others who felt the same and could give me perspective from experience.

I have also thought through all the reading I have done here that M's that did not survive seem to prevail. But the BS has come out of the drama a stronger person, with more insight and understanding.

I also see the M's that have survived from MB concepts, they just seem to be in the minority. Unfortunately with the media, cell phones, and social networking; bad behavior and judgment seem to be more common than not.

I am not sure how those of us who have survived with most of our conscious intake start changing the culture? But IMHO we will only see infidelity rise. How very sad....

Have you MET me? I am the poster child, and no I don't get credit for loving her. I lost site how to when I stopped loving myself. For a whole lot of reasons, I compromised what I knew was right and accepted what I never should have for a long time, and I am suffering from it now.


..works when men dive into the mess too. Do you really think I didn't "know better" when I chased her and took all the blame? It took years of breaking down good boundaries for me to fall apart, but fall apart I did. Let me tell you, that damage is worse than what my WW dealt out. What I did to myself.

I am currently seeing a therapist and I know I have along journey back.

Plan B, well someone out of the two should have thier feet on planet earth while they refuse to be part of a relationship as abusive as an affiar. Its a priviledge to be real isn't it? What many BSs seem to realize is that they are the priveledged ones, not the foolish and lost waywards. If Plan B is a cancer to the way it "Used to be" then let it kill it. The BSs will benifet from something completly new, not from new wine put back in the old skins.

If the marriage is to be recovered then let the BS put the past problems behind along with the Foggy alien Pod and welcome the new, humble, reformed partner to a completly new relationship. I can't see that happening if they stay in plan A and get abused, as a matter of fact I know from experience it doesn't work, and you both go down the foggy drain.

The marriage is a priveledge, not a right, and like any privelige if it is abused it colapses and becomes a curse, especially when it involves abusing someone selfishly and tearing thier heart out as it is in affairs. Marriage is also a powerful tool if treated with respect, when we weild it right it strengthens each other beyond what we could do alone.

The tool has sharp teeth, when someone abuses it they destroy themselves and the marriage partner. Getting away from an abusive one and protecting yourself is the only wise option. You are worth it.

It is said that a betrayal or left lover is dealt with much like a death in our heart and minds. This has allways made sense to me as to how deep it feels.

Plan B keeps us from this pain that will keep hurting us, and allows us to move on. Thank God for the realistic and solid support from grown ups like the Harleys and all these people on this site.

What this site has taught me is that my marriage was floundering a long time ago. The depression and emotional from not doing what I should have then could have been avoided if I had been here and followed this advice. In knowing this there is peace. Forgiveness for myself and her, and understanding. No excuses mind you, I screwed up, and my emotions were my excuse, and what makes me human.


But I can still learn

I wanted you to see that the B-People before you .... did whatever necessary to save mind, body, and soul.
The Killer Bees were so supportive of each other.
They all shared experiences that I never had.
Their shared wisdom/tears/rage/comfort was a blessing they gave to each other.
I did not post on that thread, but I prayed for every one of them.
And I admire them muchly.

lol! Doing it MUCH less these days, barely at all.

VERY well said, CP. Even if my marriage does not recover from MB, I know that going forward into the future, having these tools WILL allow me to have the marriage I always wanted, and deserved to have! Not that the A was my fault, but I can't pretend we didn't have other problems before. One thing I will always remember from our sessions with Steve is him telling me that it is MY responsibility for my spouse to be in love with me.

Pep, thank you for the thread bump. It is DEFINITELY a good read. I am having a lot of fun with it. I actually should be going to bed but it is so much FUN to read.

I really was not having a hard time with Plan B. What I was dealing with was that the one comment was made on someone else's thread. I read it and initially wanted to say something there, but didn't know how to do it without getting the wrath of MB posters. I didn't want to cause more damage. Then I read someone else actually talk about the concept on their own thread. I am NOT saying that the original poster meant any disrespect or even any malice. I believe that the original poster was just telling the person on that ONE thread something for THEM and THEIR SITCH. I also know that there is A LOT of other people reading the threads and that they make take it to mean something else. I just wanted something to show that Plan B isn't JUST about personal recovery. I know that there ARE examples of people who have been in Plan B and recovered. I know that there are MANY MORE who didn't. There are also people who didn't do the MB way and still recover. I just think that MB IS for me and Plan B DEFINITELY HELPED ME(and my marriage, which seems funny even as I type because I don't currently HAVE a "marriage")

I am at the part of the thread where the Killer Bees talk about checking people out and being checked out. I think it is HILARIOUS. I also started to notice that. I can actually appreciate the male body in ways I haven't in 18.5 years. I even started noticing men checking me out sometimes. Still feels a little creepy but good at the same time. Good to know that am NORMAL. THAT is the BEST part of MB. KNOWING I AM NOT ALONE. I appreciate you all more than you know, even the ones who just read and never post.

Not to mention, the KILLER BEES had humor up the whazoo ... and they put it to good use.

LilSis's ending ... they divorced.
Her WH (a cop) married the OW (a waitress with 'high milage' working at the diner where cops hang out) who also divorced her BH (a lawyer).
LilSis was arrested for beating up OW.
She did community service.
LilSis also had 2 adorable sons.

Later, on a rare update .... LilSis was in a serious dating relationship.
She was happy. I think they married, but I can't quite remember.

LilSis was GREAT, and we miss her.

I would think beating up the high mileage OW WAS a community service.

Oh, Come-on, you were all thinking it.

Ah new-petals, I have done this too. I think we can't believe its true, and its truly sad.
We were allways battling the drug issue and in that I knew exactly what to expect, also I didn't take it as hard, although it WAS definatly hard and painful. It didn't hurt as bad.

I am sure it had to do with unrealistic expectations that I put on myself. I thought I was important to her because I could keep her grounded and although I never expected her to live in total appreciatition of that. I expected her to eventually deal with her addictions and emotional issues. Then she could live in the real world with the rest of us, then we could really work on us.

The point is that waywards have problems we were never intended to fix for them, in areas many times they are not honest with themselves about to begin with, and thier running away and blaming us only makes it worse for them. The affair partner enables them, and they call it love when it really is pacification. God willing they will learn and pull out of it and grow up, and its not our fault when we can't or wont participate in something childish and destructive. There comes a point where reguardless of how much faith and strength you have you MUST separate from them emotionally and maybe even physically to protect your soul, mind, and body.

I think of the serenity prayer,

God give me the strength to change the things I can,

The serenity to accept the things I cannot,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Being a "fixer" and "caretaker" with a stubborn attitude that ANYBODY can change, It took more application of reality than most to cause the pain that gave me wisdom.

But God has spanked me and put me in my place, finnally took the situation out of my hands with all the highs and lows of the marriage relationship, and my children, who have suffered greatly, are slowly realizing what happened. They will see things when they do, and although we remember Mom for the good things she was at one time. I am around to help them quell the fear that might rise up and lead to despondancy and shame. Because now they are grown-ups and must deal with truth, even when it hurts, and are accountable to that.

Ah we all can fall, but we all can pick ourselves up again, and when someone bonded to us falls and we can't help them its painful and frustrating. Truth is its not all our fault.

Plan B is mainly for personal recovery, because if followed it will accomplish that NO MATTER WHAT.

It is also the VERY BEST chance for a M broken by an entrenched A, and many times will pave the way to R. That is a happy bonus, and also a really big plus to protecting a BS from the continuing abuse of an A.

I've known Mr. W a long time now, and I don't think he would intentionally convey that Plan B = giving up on the M and only going forward with personal R instead. Maybe he will see this and elaborate so I don't have to put words in his mouth.

Neak, I really didn't think that was what was intended either and I wanted to make sure that there was a GREAT discussion on Plan B so that other people would get the full reasoning behind Plan B. that way they can make their own right decision and understand what it is meant on this site and through DrH. I am CERTAIN that the way it was intended is NOT the way it has spread.

I totally LOVE your take on it too Neak.

A little timbit(HEHEHEHEH Canadian all the way baby ) that has made my hamster in my head go round and round on his wheel. I need to just throw it out there so I can eject my hammy.

I have noticed something interesting in the last couple of weeks and since I have no one else to share stupid stuff like this with, you guys are the lucky ones. Please, understand that I am NOT analyzing this, it is just a hmmmmmmm kind of thing. No EXPECTATIONS. No hopes.

I started praying ever night and every morning for an angel of protection to protect me, my children and Bampot. A couple of days later, I noticed something weird. Bampot has been more attentive to the kiddos. He has made sure that he calls them every night. He has started writing them longer emails. His phone calls now average 10 minutes instead of 4. Out of the blue, on Thursday afternoon, he tried to call at NOON.

Of course the hamster got the wheel moving and my mind started wondering. BUT, since I am in Plan B, I didn't let it stick too long. It does come back. Of course, the eternal optimist and hopeful part of me thinks, "Maybe there is trouble in affairland." Well, don't worry, I have devil's advocates that take other sides too. I then think, "Maybe Bampot is just easing into his current sitch and getting more comfortable." And the last one, it's a real goody, "WF is pregnant and Bampot is excited about being a daddy again so he is reaching out to his boys."

So there you have it, another great entry in my saga. Where will it take me tomorrow? I can tell you where, to work. HAHAHAHAHA I really hate working on Sundays. Where is that new job? I put it on my vision board. I got the new couch, camera, handycam and roller coaster ride. I am on my way to my weight goal. There are a few things left on there, and MOST of them hang on the new job. Hmmmmmmm maybe this will work, "Come out Come out wherever you are."

Please, don't worry that I am obsessing about the actions of a wayturd, namely, Bampot. I will NEVER understand what he is thinking. Just want it written in black and white, just keeping the whole story, well....whole.

On a higher note, DS10 has started boxing trainer with my trainer too. I told him that we would have to see if we could afford it and that I would ask Bampot(through IMs of course) about sharing the costs. Well, DS10 was too excited and told Bampot about it today. Bampot said he was proud of DS10 and that he would be glad to help out with money for the training. WOW. Who is this man? New Bampot must be happy in affairland. Whatever it is, it seems that my kiddos are benefiting, for now. THAT is all that matters right now.

Back to reading and life.

I am so happy that your WH is being more attentive to your kiddos...isnt it such a load off your back....at least they are getting the attention that they need from their dad.