Yeah, I am hanging in there Tom....I hope you are doing well also.

Well if the mutual admiration stuff is over for a while...

SW, tell us about date night!

The forum is here to pull you out of exactly such places. ?

Thanks Mrs. V - again. I shouldn't have posted. The maelstrom has me, and I just have to ride through it.

I understand all too well posting in the midst of the maelstrom, so to speak. Facing it, meeting whatever you're feeling head on, assessing it, dealing with it, using it to drive you in a positive way - just make sure that happens. Don't get lost in it, because that doesn't help anybody.

So if you're going to sit this one out from the forum, do it in a good, MB way, all right? Then come back and tell us about it once you're on the other side.

You are a dear, and thank you. Not to worry. I know how to ride the dark horse, and I will come back when the ride is over so you all can tell me what it means and what to do with with what it means.

Ok, here is what happened. Hopefully someone will tell me what to do before I do something stupid like pack my bag and call my lawyer. Or maybe that wouldn't be so stupid.

Remember H changed the password on his computer. I didn't press it per the advice here.

On Wed. his laptop was sitting no the kitchen counter. Mine was upstairs or something. S19's girlfriend wanted to print her boarding pass and asked me H's password. I said I didn't know it. S19 asked "why not Mom?" I said "because your dad doesn't trust me."

GF went to H who whispered the password to her. She gave me a strange look, logged in and printed her boarding pass. I continued unloading the dishwasher like nothing happened, but I can feel my face flaming just writing about it.

So I let it go because I was confident that's what you all would tell me to do and went on date night which was actually fun except for the hour he educated me about baseball and football, but I took for the team so to speak.

Last night, I described what happened re: his laptop to H, told him that I totally understood why he doesn't trust me, etc., but when I feel humiliated like that it takes my love for him away. All he said was "the password is fu**you." S15 has known the new password for a month.

GF will tell her parents, their kids go to the same school my S15 is starting next week, who knows who they will tell. I don't have a social bone in my body and could not be further out of the school loop which was fine with S19, but S15 is built differently -- he wants me at stuff. Guess how many parents in his class I will voluntarily meet, much less talk to or try to befriend? None.

I always wonder when I hear "expose, expose, expose" if anyone gives any thought to the teenagers involved and how the public knowledge that their mother is a wh*** will impact them with their friends and their families.

I guess I am about to find out.

Flashback time. Petty, public humiliation.

H & I haven't spoken since. I slept in another room.

Too bad really as I was feeling warmer towards him than I have in a very long time.

Help.

The thing about roller coasters is that after the long slow climb to breathtaking heights where the view is amazing and all your troubles and cares seem miles below you it is inevitably followed by a plunge at breakneck speed headlong into the darkness that seems as if it will be the ruin of your very soul....

And then things level out, you go on and start the next long slow climb...

Recovery is called a roller coaster for a reason.

Mark

SW -

Thanks for posting. Honestly, I'm not sure what to advise. (Surprising, right? I can usually think of some $.02 to give!)

And I'm sorry if I'm being dense, but could you confirm if I have this correct?

1) BH changes password to something more "expressive"
2) BH tells it to S15's GF
3) GF finding it out will result in news of your infidelity spreading
4) This is your BH's fault? (= the "petty, public humiliation" ?)

Can you remind me again of what sort of exposure occurred? To whom, how was it done, etc.?

I would definitely say that the fallout (not speaking, sleeping apart) could have been avoided/dealt with better, but I'll have to think on that for a while after I hear some more from you.

(Sorry, I've got a touch of the sleep deprivation.)

This is also very true. It's killer, but it eventually starts to get better.

Agree it's a roller coaster...

and maybe, just maybe the glass is half full (try not to look for reasons it won't work or you want to leave but instead for reasons to stay).

The fact that your husband made his password "fu" certainly is an indication he was in a dark place when he set it up. It's been awhile for me (over 5 years) but I have a good idea where he was in that moment.

Now he's shared it with you and you have access.

HE TOLD YOU.

That's good, isn't it????

Openness and honesty.

It's likely he'll change it soon as he's realized the ridiculousness of it. Hopefully, he'll share the new password with you also as he builds trust for you (maybe he won't because he's emailing or posting somewhere for support himself and wants privacy - WHICH YOU SHOULD HONOR FOR HIM RIGHT NOW)

Instead of being upset...

be compassionate recognizing the dark place he was in and that YOU had a part of putting him in it.

IMO, you shouldn't just be "sucking up" the consequences of your actions (harboring anger and resentment thereupon), you should be accepting of them. Regardless of where you go or what you do...the consequences are gonna follow you for some time. It'll be much easier on YOU if YOU can adopt the attitude that you brought much of this upon yourself and it's OK.

I'm not saying 3-5 years down the road that those consequences should include daily, weekly or even monthly harassment by your spouse that you need to accept. He's your spouse and by then should be your supportive mate in a LOVING relationship. But there will likely be some consequences that come from outside your marriage for years to come...so get used to it.

We all mess up...it's how we deal with cleaning up our messes that really define us.

Mr. W

Good post, Mr. W!

SW, please pay attention to this distinction:

I read SadWife's post, went away, and came back to post something similar...

SW the way I see this incident is that you have a pride issue. Humility is needed to develope true repentence. You are a high achiever and not accustomed to being humble. It is painful...but you need to sink into the humility and then it is better. Humility is a different animal than degradation which is NOT to be tolerated....but honestly I'm not seeing that from the incident you described.

OK, got it. I'll drop the matter and go about my business today. The incident was a huge withdrawal from my LB but I've been operating in the red for years. I can do it a while longer.

Mrs. V -- I told my kids and family about my A. It is certainly not H's fault that I am fodder for the school gossip machine. I truly, seriously, do not care what people say about me, but I do worry for my S15. He's not as strong as S19.

I know parents are talking about my A because the father of one of S19's friends asked me at a graduation event who the OM was. Now there's a conversation starter, right?

Nothing to be done about it.

Wait. A man asked you who is OM? As in 'who is the man you had an affair with?' Or as in 'Who is (actual name of OM)?'?

And yes people will talk. They eventually stop. Your son will survive.

SW, I am a teacher who had an A with another teacher who was also DD's guitar teacher. And my kids both went to our school. OM left, but I was still there, as were my kids, and they and lots of other people knew all about my A. Yeah, it stunk. But here's what I did: I just did what I would have done had I never cheated (I had to - I worked there). I talked to parents about school and football and their kids. I taught my classes. When DD had a few bad days, I went to talk to her teacher and briefly explained how the whole business was affecting her. I willed myself to be oblivious to the gossip. And on the odd occasion when someone did ask, I just said something generic like, "I definitely made some bad choices, but I am so thankful to have the chance to rectify those choices." Eventually (actually it didn't take long) I was boring to talk about because we were recovering and the gossip didn't fluster me. Did it hurt? Yes, but then the answer to that would have been not to have an A. My kids came through it fine. We talked when they needed to talk. I didn't bring it up unless someone else asked.

As far as the password thing goes, is there a reason that DS's girlfriend needed to know "my husband doesn't trust me"? Honestly, it sounds like blaming. Why not say, "He recently changed it and hasn't told me yet."?

I wasn't there so all I have to go on is what you wrote above but this sounded pretty catty to me. You shared a fact about your marriage with your s19 and his friend that you really didn't have to. You could have said you didn't remember it and ask your father instead of throwing in the "dad doesn't trust you" part. Then...when BH revealed the password it wouldn't have had the same context and though a strange password...would have otherwise been innocuous to teenagers. Instead your attitude made the "fu" password only that much more poignant.

Sucks for you I'm sure...but really not all his fault.






Date night...really. That's another glass half full moment. That's really awesome. Do you realize that not all WS's get that? Many get kicked to the curb immediately upon being busted. Don't you feel cherished at all? I mean you degraded and disrespected your husband in the most vile and disturbing of manners and yet he still sees value in you and your marriage and is willing to date you??? How many people do you have in your life that love you enough to be able to forgive you (in time) for that big a transgression? Don't you see....deep down your husband loves you. Reconciliation after betrayal is one of the most loving ACTIONS a person can undertake. Sure there are wounds on the outside and he's not all romantically lovey-dovey right now...but deep down, HE CHERISHES YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.





Again...you brought this upon yourself. First by having the affair and second by making the "dad doesn't trust me comment". [not to mention...why should he trust you right now....even here you are still contemplating divorce. Maybe he's contemplating it too...in private, as is his right]



First off...you aren't a wh*** TODAY, are you? Trust me, your kids parents have skeletons and issues in their closets as well and they will hardly be focused on yours. Rumors and gossip may last a few years but as long as you stay married and especially if you endeavor and succeed at rebuilding a loving marriage obvious to the world the rumors and gossip will pass.

Second, when you do the right thing you don't know what the end result will be but often it results in some positives which help balance out some of the consequences. My wife has taking our experiences and used them to counsel here and many friends in real life about infidelity or just marital issues, in general. Infidelity is everywhere and now that a few people around town know about your situation...it's much more likely that someone you least expect is going to approach you with questions about what to do. Especially if they see you and your husband in a seeming great recovery. You just can't know what good will come from this right now...but getting to the point where you are OK saying "I WAS a wh*** back then, but not today or ever again" helps open yourself up to positive feedback loop that is likely to occur if you let it.




It's only humiliation if you allow other people opinions to matter and/or define you.




How unfortunate. You want compassion and empathy from him, yet offer none. Oh, the plight of the FWW







That being said...

what's your plan to rebuild your husband's trust and get him to fall romantically in love with you again???

You realize once he's in love with you again...the FULL program will be much easier to get him to adopt.

W

Just had to add this quickly...

All this talk about YOUR humiliation...

What about your husband's?????


All your son's friends and parents know that his wife (you) cheated on him and he's not divorcing you.

He appears quite the cuckold, doesn't he?

How humiliating FOR HIM.

W

I wonder if the wayward gave any thought to the impact on the teenagers involved before having an affair??

And so what you are saying the impact is the fault of the one who exposed, not the one who commited the crime?? Really??

And actually, I know two families where there were affairs and it wasn't exposed~everyone just suspected what had happened but no one talked about it and I think the impact is worse in that case, when the kids need to keep it a secret... I believe Dr H talks about this.

Surely you jest. Did the adulterer give any thought to the embarrassment she would bring upon her family by committing adultery? By acting like a wh***? The blame for the the embarrassment falls completely and totally on the head of the adulterer, not the exposer. The family members of cheaters do them no favors by keeping the affair a secret. The family is embarrassed because of the cheating not because it was exposed. They are not obliged to ENABLE the adulterer by keeping her dirty secret.

SW, some days you sound so lucid and then you post foggy statements like this, which is so disappointing....